"Every moment in time's just an answer to find...

...what you're here for, what you breathe for, what you wake for, what you bleed for."

I am currently addicted to Mute Math. I loveth them. A lot.

So... not much more going on in the life of a girl with a fantastical name. My name is not really that fantastical. If i had a name like... Penelope Bridgewater or... Rainwater Applebaum... ya know MAYBE I could qualify...

I got the Kate Jacobs book "Knit Two" finally... the first one was amazing I highly recommend it.

I keep wondering if the ice storm everyone is predicting is REALLY gonna come? Meh? People are seriously freaking out. My mom keeps yelling to... no one "how can people live in fear like this?!" it's true though. She had half her staff call off work for no reason even though its sunny right now. I just don't know if it's gonna really happen.

I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. After the whole Sweeny/Morgan dream it has just gone WAY downhill from there. It is not good.

Alright time to jet... happy Christmas!

oh such a primadonna

So I haven't posted in a while I figure I should quickly. Not much is going on in my life. I keep applying in the hopes someone says, "Abby Mallett seems to have the perfect name to work here... And her qualifications aren't half bad either. Hire this fantastical girl on the spot."

I've watched Whitney's The Hills to the City about 80 times. At first it made me feel bad that girls my age come to L.A. with money and opportunities in hand and just get handed more opportunities. Then I became interested and watched it... 80 times.

I am knitting a shawl for a woman at church. She's my favorite. The shawl will be HUGE. It takes like the whole thing of yarn to knit one row

I am so bored though! I didn't know you needed money to NOT be bored! Not being bored requires gas! Not being bored requires train fare to tool around downtown and people watch at Argo tea! Not being bored requires money to EAT. BAH!

I watched Sweeny Todd finally last night... alone... in the dark. For someone who doesn't even like slightly creepy or suspensful movies I did pretty well! Did not anticipate the extra creepiness at the end but was not surprised either. I did enjoy the music SO MUCH... but i ended up having nightmares about Sweeny Todd and Tracey Morgan. Don't watch 30 Rock and Sweeny Todd apparently.

Well thats my lame life in a nutshell. It has its funny moments during the day but they don't translate so well a few days down the road in a blog. Here's a happy moment for you though:

Things I will buy... when I am employed!: - a pair of Uggs... why not? - dinner at Red Lobster. I quite prefer sea food to Olive Garden - a gym membership complete with trainer from Uzbekistan "YOU ARE LAZY! YOU LIFT MORE WEIGHTS!" - CD's preferably Ingrid Michaelson's newest.... ummm that's all i got! Help me think of more awesome things haha

m-i-c-k-e-yyyy m-o-u-s-eeee

YesterdayI went with my mom to the grocery store to get Thanksgiving food. We ended up going to Aldi and Moo & Oink which during the holidays is the height of G.C. (G.C. being the strip of stores on 183rd from Kedzie to Pulaski). It was madness. Aldi wasn't so bad actually it was pretty normal, but Moo & Oink was an experience. It wasn't scary or anything it was just crowded. There were greens on sale and apparently EVERYONE forgot to get a bag to put them in so EVERYONE went to get one including me when my mom asked. Then I started towards her (she was already at the front of the line) and I got dirty looks from everyone thinking I was jumping the line. So I went around had to hurdle a giant stack of greens in boxes just to wiggle and stretch my arm to touch my moms coat. I felt like I was trying to get to Jesus just touch the hem of his garment and I'll be healed. So I finally reached her while leaning over this box of greens and like THREW this plastic bag at her, as hard as a plastic bag can be thrown, and ran away. We kept shopping and they started playing Marvin Gaye's song "Sexual Healing" in the store haha. Well that just... loosened every person up and pretty much everyone was singing including the dingy old guys with 6 teeth collectively and 4 of them are gold. So my mom was like, "Oohhh we gotta leave" haha.

The moral of the story is:
Don't cut in line or BE cut
Marvin Gaye songs are too much for grocery stores.

:0)

my my my

A friend just told me how different things are from just 1 year ago.

Couldn't. Agree. More.

In my own life things are... like... I can't even describe them! haha a year ago I was busy up to my eyeballs and spiraling... literally spiraling... yearbook the soul sucker itself was taking up my life and I was trying to create pieces that just WOULDN'T come. And that was when I decided some people were so crazy I needed counseling. Which is odd! Since THEY were crazy and I was not. All the same. It ended up helping and not helping at the same time. Well let's just say it helped more than hurt and I made a friend.

Last year I had a friend... and got a few more... and a couple more... all the while being eaten alive and not even knowing it. I was pretty much clinically depressed for a good chunk of January. No one knew why and I couldn't tell them... and then things eventually EXPLODED. and here i am today... graduated, JOBLESS, and virtually healed from all scars from last year.

Not all things are horrible now... there are still bad moments especially thinking I'm a failure... yesterday was a bad day. sometimes I feel like there is some aspect of my life that I'm living completely wrong... so God won't give me a job until I get that right. Or I've done something wrong and I can't get a job... and I know the economy's bad but people still have JOBS. Ya know? And I pray for a friend instead of gaining friends that destroy me.. which is where I was a year ago on the way to certain destruction. When things fell apart I thought I was BEING destroyed but God had to break it in order for me to actually come through it.

So you never know why things are the way they are or why they seem to fall apart at the exact moment you need them NOT to but God has a plan. it may not be clear to you at that moment... or 3 months after or 6 years after but it's there. That plan will be amazing.

And then again it comes down to TRUST GOD. me... with the trust issues... maybe if I stop seeing God as a man. I think of guys as someone who will eventually let me down. I think I just hit the heart of the matter.

there there baby it's just textbook stuff

Sorry folks I got sidetracked yesterday and felt like I needed to write that blog that I may copy into my LJ later on. But here is the blog no one is waiting for but I have been in anticipation of...

LOTR: FOTR TTT & ROTK and how they pertain to my mother.

I love my mom... she's my favorite person in the whole wide world. But uhh my mom has a small problem... she has specific movies she identifies with and they change about every... 10 years. First it was Dances with Wolves. She was SO obsessed with that movie. I mean she learned the Native American phrases. For example when I was little she gave me a cookbook with written recipes in it. Well I guess she forgot it was a cookbook at one time because the first page, not EVEN the first page the thicker page beFORE all the pages start, had Dances with Wolves in phonetic Native American in it. Yay memories!

Then it was Braveheart. When my mom gets nostalgic she'll bring that up and how she watched most of the movie from the kitchen (granted the kitchen was around a couple corners) because she can't take blood and gore and dying, ya know, the stuff Braveheart is based on. She loves that movie though and every time it runs on TNT she goes, "OH!... OH I LOVE THAT MOVIE! I watched it from the KITCHEN..." *12 hours later* "OH... BRAVEHEART I LOVE IT."

And now it's Lord of the Rings. It absolutely changed her life. I'm serious that movie was LIFE changing for my mother. The first one we watched in the theatre she had a hat pulled over her eyes for the better portion of 3 hours. The second one... more of the same and by the third one she was so entranced there were just constant tears.

Now everything she sees... a grassy hillside... someone with a long beard... medieval war attire... giant trees... she compares to the Shire, Gandalf, Lord of the Rings and an Ent. At first it was funny being caught up in the magic of the movie and it's fantasy world of AWESOME then it just got annoying because here we are a whole 5 YEARS after the third (not even the first!) movie premiered and she still references LOTR every chance she gets. And I'm serious not a day goes by without a reference. We were watching House Hunters! And it came up... and they were in ITALY! That hillside does NOT look like the Shire, Mom!

*sigh...* I finally stopped to ponder WHY she does this... at first I just came up with the conclusion my mother is in fact crazy with a capital C and Z for effect. Then I remembered why she likes movies like these. They are filled with heroic men and women who full of honor and gusto and umph. She loves people with honor they, to her, are the perfect example of how people should live. Have you ever met anyone along the lines of Aragorn or the guy in Dances with Wolves? Didn't think so... so she holds onto images in movies and they give her hope of people actually acting like that in real life. And I think she knows God has a personality like that... so instead of coming off looking crazy she just... is brilliant. As usual.

Smoking is bad for you okay?

I was laying... lying... um... in bed last night just thinking... mostly about how I couldn't fall asleep and how my room is an icebox but i started thinking about this guy i used to like. He was just... a nice guy not particularly good looking (honestly) but just... really NICE. and i fell. hard. and it was a spiral. It was bad... I swear if I could have qualified for the show "Intervention" I would have been the main candidate up for nomination among my friends. Eventually things happened they were minor in the large scale but major enough for ME to pretty much spiral out of control. So I did... MAJORLY but inwardly I figured no one wanted to hear about it so I never said anything about what actually happened, which is really what did me in.

It took me about 3 years to move past everything and I was talking to him one day and I realized, "Oh my gosh he's top 3 in the world's dumbest people... I'M AN IDIOT!" haha He was going absolutely no where with his life... he dated girls long term then dumped them as soon as something happened (usually a change of address which happened often for him) and he dropped out of college and SUCKED absolutely sucked at life in general. And still I clung to this guy like a leech! A HUNGRY leech.

That is when I finally woke up, like a hammer to the head dropped by God Himself, and asked myself how much I enjoyed being wanted, loved (i thought), thought about? The answer was a lot. Then I asked myself how much I actually liked the guy I fell for. Yeah that answer was a lot less than the one above. How did I not get that before? 3.7 GPA gets you nowhere in the world haha

I know so many people who fall in love with the feeling of belonging somewhere finally finding that person that makes them feel like themself then spend the rest of the relationship either fighting, trying to change the other person or seriously fooling themselves into thinking they belong together when everyone else is telling you with giant sized signs "RUN THE HECK AWAY!!!" *insert Finding Nemo quote here*

Why fool yourself for the rest of your life? I mean I was well on my way to Fool Town population - well actually the population is massive but thats not the point - until I made it a priority to make GOD my satifaction. The Bible says that God is your husband and a guy is not supposed to fulfill me. If I expect a guy to fill me I'll always be looking for SOMETHING for that special feeling that will come and go and come and go for the rest of my life all the while collecting more baggage. I'll end up ruining relationships with the baggage I expect this guy (who's not Jesus) to just accept and deal with. That's not fair to you OR the guy. No one ends up happy.

I'm not saying there aren't days when I feel lonely but I have to remind myself that I find my full satisfaction in God and everyone else comes after. I swear you feel much better when you let God in... He is your center and you revolve around him. He's the sun... you're Mars... sometimes you're Pluto... frozen, small and later you won't be a named an actual planet ;0)

In the end it's a pride issue as almost all sin is... trust God! That is what is ultimately boils down to. Trust God okay?!

cookin for three

I am really not supposed to be here right now I need to be doing dishes but i'm giving myself 7 minutes to post a little ditty on here :0)

Crap! i dawdled. only 3 minutes left.

Well, folks, I have a job lead. It's crazy early like I applied on careerbuilder with Heather's AMAZING cover letter and 2 minutes later he asked me to send work and 1 hour later i'm back sending the work! i know right? I'm excited and nervous and praying to Jesus this is a good job opportunity for me cuz... Lord KNOWS he knows he KNOWS I'm desperate beyond belief. but not beyond believing.

Tomorrow's blog: LOTR FOTR Tcubed & ROTK and how it pertains to my mother and life in general! Stay tuned man... stay tuned.

no aiah aiah...

I just want to say that No Air is the favorite song of mine and my niece Autumn. WHy? dunno. Just is. Accept it.

So recently... I mean like the past few weeks things have turned around. The very thing I wanted to happen did almost... to completion and things are looking up it seems. The first instance it was really shocking I didn't see it coming at all and it was actually really touching. And! because it wasn't that horrible of a misdemeanor things automatically went back to how they were as if nothing had ever occured (it helps to forgive). The second occurance was... not actually shocking at all. I don't know I wasn't expecting it? But I also wasn't surprised when it came ya know? And it triggered all this anger harbored in some deep recess of my heart. I honestly don't know where it came from but it flared up like fire upon reaction. So... I also responded except I took no care to sugar coat anything I'm way past sugar coating the truth. And... now things are once again at a standstill. And I don't think I have forgiven yet.

A good friend once told me that some friends are in your life for a season... and some friends are for life. Once upon a time I thought I found a lifetime friend but looking back I was sooo fooling myself. I had really started to accept the seasonal friend thing except I felt like I had learned no lesson from that person... but that's not true I learned so many things about myself. So now THIS happens. It's like... things happen, things explode, things come back together, things happen, things explode, things come back together and I'm stuck in this cycle of "friendship" that I don't even know if I'm supposed to be in! What if this was supposed to be seasonal and it's trying to morph into something it's not. I wish I knew all the answers. I wish there were no risks involved in friendships. I also wish people would THINK before they act or speak. But.. life doesn't work that way... unnnfortunately.

It's time to go to Sonic haha... but for now I remain

Pensive,

i could go for the Weepies...

I thougth of a question! Two days later I thought of a question!!! and I just... wanted to let everyone know.

So last night needs to be documented. It was so horrible... let us begin.

The radiators in my apartment are evil. Pure. Evil. They are consistently hot even when you turn them off (radiator lesson: you turn the knob and heat comes up in the form of steam and you can regulate it with that knob) so try as you might you're boiling all night long in a big pit of... hottness. I made the mistake of turning my radiator on and letting my room warm up before I turned it off when I went to sleep - I like to snuggle and being cold nutures my snuggling habit. The radiator had other plans. It did not want to turn off and so it didn't. It got angry... then it got even. But that comes a little later in the story.

So I ended up going to sleep around 2 am pretty fitfully but I was asleep only to be woken up at 2:15 by the radiator focusing all it's pent up rage at being closed on me. The heat clangs the pipes (see It Was A Dark and Story Night?... below) when it comes up and last night was no different except it had a certain rhythm to it this time. The heat sounded like bongoes then when it got to the top it would ram at the opening and it sounded just like a motorcycle kickstarting itself. I wish I were joking. So the night went as follows:

2:15: boom... bing... bong... ding... dong... doom... boom...boom...boom boom bingbingbongdingDONGBOOM VRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! VRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

2:30: bing... boom... bong... ding... dongdangdingBOOMBOOMBOOM VRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! VRRRROOOOOOOOOM!

and every 15 minutes the same thing would happen just to spite me i figured out so from 2:15 to 5 am i lay in bed eyes wide open staring at the ceiling wondering whether to sleep on the sofa... or open the radiator. If I open the radiator I would die from certain heat exhaustion if I kept on listening to it I would die from torture rivaling the Chinese. So at 5 am I turned on the lamp, adjusted my eyes and OPENED the radiator of Evil and flipped on the fan... all sound stopped it was happy and i went to sleep.
I also figured out that Hell is full of clangy vroomy crazy radiators that you can never open. I'm serious!

so now i have a permanent score to settle with... *THE WIIITCH!* the radiator.

unfortunately my life is so boring that this is the only exciting adventure i have at the moment.

O.

Have you ever wanted something so bad but know it's so hopeless you feel like crying?

welcome to my life in a nutshell.

Here are all the symptoms of yesterday in medical fashion:
Dying: (v) heart explosions but miraculously still moving like you're alive
Slow burn: (n) the blush that stays at the edge of your jaw waiting to flare up at any given moment. Your cheeks are hot all day. Uncomfortable feeling. Thankfully no one can see it. Whoo melanin.
Silence: (n) the only thing that comes out of your mouth when you try to speak or think of a question to ask like a real person (see dying above)

I mean I gave up the dream a long time ago... but you can't see it and not still want it ya know? I'm being vague on purpose... my head is starting to feel fuzzy....

lois this is not my batman cup

I was watching Army Wives on Sunday (the season finale... very predicable... very good though!) and afterwards Grey's usually comes on. This episode was the one where Dr. Bailey's high school crush gets admitted to the hospital and she makes that giant speech at the end. I had to watch the whole thing. It was just necessary. I love that speech. So then I found it... and it's pretty dang relevant to my own life besides being a doctor ya know and saving lives and being married haha but the principle of it is... pretty universal. so! here it are.

Miranda: Yeah, I pay attention. I pay attention! I pay attention to people in all walks of life, all types. I notice people. I see people. It's guys like you who don't see people like me.
Derek: I don't see you?
Miranda: I'm not talking about you, Shepherd. Just guys like you. Who don't see girls like me. We don't exist for you. We exist to do your homework! We exist to build your ego up... I am a successful married mother. I am chief resident, I am CHIEF resident of a major metropolitan hospital! I am a surgeon, who saved his life today! And he still doesn't see me... I may as well still be that high school girl with the mushroom haircut and the coke bottle glasses and the band uniform. The girl who didn't get to go to homecoming dance cause it didn't even occur to him to ask me. All those late nights tutoring him, and it didn't even occur to him to ask?

*sigh*... is that not me? an ego boosting, homework doing, piccolo playing band geek who only went to prom? with friends? unfortunately yes haha the band geek thing is not unfortunate i rather enjoyed it... thats ok... cuz half the guys that we end up liking are just geeks too haha

cuz i'm cryin'... it's amazing... and i'm craaazay...

that was a compilation of three of aerosmith's songs that sound exactly the same... and all have alicia silverstone in them. say it with me.. aleeeseeeaaaahhh.

so iiii was sitting in my apartment as i often do nowadays and i was thinking about.. i don't know i always think about everything all at once. And somehow the plans i've made with people popped up... well the plans that always fell through came up. and THAT (oy stream of conciousness turn turn turn...) reminded me why i don't make plans with friends with anyone that span longer than two weeks because they will always fall through.

people forget... people forget on purpose... usually by the time the plans are supposed to come through the friendship has ended. no seriously all the times i make future plans that friendship ends pretty badly beforehand. it's happened oh... 4 times. so i've stopped making plans. it's worked. live day by day and never look forward and if somehow plans are made even for 2 days from now i count it as a small miracle (a small wonder if you will like the tv show)

Also! I was watching TLC last night... Purity Ball. People in Colorado are part of the purity movement to keep their daughters pure until marriage. That's fine I consent but here's the kicker. if the daughters mess up... the parents shoot out of orbit. Disown them pretty much and sever all ties. now where... WHHHERRRE in the Bible does it say that?? It was sad and... creepy a little bit at the same time. They stressed the importance of dad's in a girls like and if you don't you turn to other guys. So... in my case then... I'm automatically a slut because I don't have a prominent father figure. I had no idea! I need to go prePARE! In a sense though it is true... though i've never gotten involved in relationship friendships with guys always turn out... horribly except for the choice few that are good. but how they said it was like 'have a dad or be a slut! apply today!' I think it's definitely important to consecrate your body but... *sigh* people from Colorado are always extreme i swear to bob. extreme skiing, biking, mountain climbing and now it's spilled over into marriage. EXTREME MARRIAGE! SCALE THE MOUNTAIN SIDE WHILE WRITING YOUR VOOOWS! yeesh.

tony bourdain is not the man

OBSERVATION!
so i was on my way to the library this afternoon when i came across two girlfriends walking into one of the little... downtownie shops complaining about how she wasted her yesterday. the other girl said, 'you needed it.' and i smiled. It's funny how girlfriends condone laziness and consent to gluttony when necessary. Like if you have a bad day? eat your weight in chocolate. Bad break up? Lie on the couch. I'll get the Ben and Jerry's Pistachio Pistachio (my favorite b the w) and usually the ulterior motive is to make yourSELF feel better and not the other person haha. It's also weird how we categorize our problems as girls and friends of girls. Since when does one problem trump the other? Like boys clearly trumps you being jobless and having no money. Or frustration clearly trumps family problems. A broken friendship trumps that broken friendship it's just... it's CRAZY but thats the way things work i guess because it hasn't changed much in the history of girls being friends with each other. *shrugs* Boys are the Ace of spades in the card game of life... aces always win everything is else is definitely a smaller card haha. (then it makes me think of Motorhead "The ace of spaaaades! the ace of spaaades!")

i have no idea what this entry means i just thought it and decided to write it down. i'm also not mad or frustrated... this was a serious stream of conciousness as you can tell by Motorhead.

but... i definitely get the friend skills from my mom... comfort... hug hug... PROBLEM SOLVE... move on! lets get past this WHOOO PEP RALLY FOR MOVIN OOON YEAAAAAH! haha it doesn't work well in a lot of situations which maaay explain the miniscule amount of friends i have. so usually i just shut my mouth and listen. that works better most times :0)

once there was a princess... was the princess you?

so have you ever had favorite people? my two favorite people have the same name. It's uncanny but true. they just blow me away and i want to be them. completely serious haha

thats!... all i have to say!

It was a dark and stormy night? It was Monday.

Like the title says it was Monday... and I was sitting in my apartment enjoying "How I Met Your Mother" theatre style, which, of course, means lights off and possibly a cup of Oreo Cookies and Cream ice cream in my hand. (Probably) I was just settling down when I heard a faint knocking sound. I thought nothing of it and kept watching... slash eating the frozen deliciousness. Then the knocking got louder. Loud enough for me to turn my volume down and really listen.
"The neighbors are REALLY hammering something into the wall at this time of night? Come on. Save it for the day time."
I turned the volume back up and kept enjoying.
The knocking became more consistent... and louder... and closer. I started looking out windows and up at the ceilings and down at the floor.
I yelled to my mother, "Mom! Quit hammering so late!" There was no response. I got up to look and she was already asleep. What IS that noise?
Not thinking about it any more I sat down to watch whatever I was watching. By that time I was so distracted I didn't care what was on.
Suddenly there was clanging all around me and I jumped off the couch. The floors and windows began to shake as the clanging got louder and louder it sounded like something was getting closer. Whatever it was.
Clang, clang, clang, clang CLANGCLANGCLANG!!
Then as quickly as it started... it stopped. And then... I heard it.
k-k...kssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
The windows started to fog up... and still the sound ksssssssss came low and slow and steadily louder. I rushed over to all the lamps and switched them on then stood stock still in the middle of the room. A warmth rushed over me and my toes began to wiggle.
I realized the commotion was just what the radiators do when the heat comes up. It happens every night. And I'm totally used to it... but Monday nights will never be the same.

*somewhere a pipe organ plays scary music*
boo.

take me to the place i looove take me far away

i had to make myself a little rhyme to remember the title to this blog... isn't that sad? every time i post a song immediately worms its way into my head so i forget all about the title i was originally gonna put down. NOT THIS TIME! NOT ME! anyway.

The other day i was cleaning greens - yes greens - at the sink and i had a weird thought. Well it wasn't that weird. Isn't it funny that who you are when you're little doesn't change much when you get older? When I was small I used to push my chair up against the sink and stand on it and clean greens with my mom. I was super short - able to walk under the table without ducking at a moments notice - and I always wanted to help so the chair was clearly the only option. When I cleaned greens last week what did i do without hesitation? Push the stool backwards up against the sink and sit on it... well this time cuz i didn't have to stand and I wanted to sit. I tried to validate that in my head but it didn't work. Old habits die hard I guess. I'm still the short little girl I always was cleaning greens the way my mom taught me and the way I will eventually teach my own daughter.

Here's another example: When I was little I had a toy drawer in the kitchen. It was filled to the brim with toys and junk and stuff and every couple of weeks I would take all the toys methodically out set them on the floor and proceed to sit in the drawer. Just. Cuz. Later on in life like a few years later I was still young but I would just take all the toys out then put them back in until they got all messy again and I couldn't find my GirlTalk recorder then i cleaned it again. I do that with my closet. It's no bigger than a drawer i swear and every few months i methodically take out all my shoes my art box and purses. clean it then put it all back. and my mom laughs at me then reminds me of 'that one time when i sat in the drawer'

Even though i have more life experience and wisdom (sometimes) and apparently a degree i came here with a personality from day 1 and it's the same. So fun. God is so fun.

Also... whyy did God give us eyebrows? I just... i mean i enjoy the "how YOU doin?" eyebrows at much as the next person but... i mean why? just a question...

next blog: a GHOST story! or something like that... :0)

my love has got the power

I have this ankle. Actually I have two ankles but the left one in particular is special. Special in that it can tell when the weather is changing. I rolled it approximately three times during the course of it holding me up and being a bridge if you will between my foot and my calf. once was during gym. once was in A gym. once was outside. all of these led me to the fact that i'm not friends with athletics. but anyway this week the weather was hot then cold and hot and cold... and my ankle felt like it had to crack or stretch but it wouldn't! and finally i told my mom and she said 'oh yeah it'll probably do that forever'

so in 50 years... i'll tell my grandkids "IT'S GONNA BE THE WORST STORM EVER IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA! I can feel it.... In my ANKLE!"

awesome grandmaaaa

goin back to the start

A scenario then a question.

Scenario: things are bad. things are SO bad. So bad that I don't want to move forward I just want a machete and I want to cut everything at the quick. I'm tired... and finished. But I'm lying cuz i'm not finished... at all. And as much as I want to just say what I need to I can't because I've said EVERYTHING. I'm serious I've said everything that ever needs to be said. EVER. And now it's their turn.

Question: How does one go about starting over... without actually saying lets start over?

i think that i'm emotional haha... understatement i know that i'm emotional. and i'm dealing with this ALL wrong. and I need to go back to the start and get out my dang Bible and start reading cuz... i'm slipping big time... bah.

everythings gonna be fine fine fine

I have "One Hand In My Pocket" by Alannis Morrissette stuck in my head (and the other ones givin a peace sign!) i just thought i'd throw that out there... i usually have a song in my head every time i start an entry... at least its not the dixie chicks.

my head is swimming... swimming with thoughts of cardboard and facebook and apple juice slushes from sonic... there is way too much to think about...

so i've started doing the Biggest Loser (haha i almost spelled biggest lobster) on OnDemand and they are KILLEEER!!! but effective!

I had a dream the other night that school merged with church and it was disastrous... people marrying people and making babies that were 12 years old... church functions in the Tiger's Den... my mortal enemy that was in all my classes stalking and eventually marrying the one guy i truly like (LOVE) at church... that same guys little brother liking ME... too much!!! oh! and the wedding was in Kresge.

the heat is on! the heat is o-on! in my apartment the heat FINALLY came up through the radiators!!!! YAAAAAAY! and with that i'm leaving to drop off movies and BASK in the heat of my apartment!

drip drip drop

i had a whole title picked out but then "move along" by All-American Rejects popped into my head and I lost it.

which makes me think of the kid on Animaniacs who always runs out to the front of the screen and tells a story like this: "okay see so this one time i had a dream that i was in a pool floating on my back and i had this life raft next to me and it was talking and when i woke up?..... i was in the kitchen sink and the dog was licking my face." and then he runs back into the house. thats how the above story went.

i'm going to pick up the small ones today for a weekend o' fun. sort of. i have to bring my car into the shop tomorrow for an oil change... whoopee cushion...

i'm slightly stressed out and i'm trying not to be... funds are low i really need a job and i'm praying i just... have bills thats all that no one else can take care of cuz i'm 22 and not 12... its hard to be my normal chipper random self when i'm worried about paying for parking and insurance and student loans... oh God please help me...

my lips hurt... ok. i'm goin home to... eat? i believe... and then pick up the little ones.

lovefluv.

moo with me

first off... here: http://www.wlwt.com/cnn-news/17589970/detail.html

everyone needs to see this. EVERYONE. it immediately brightened my entire day. the WHOLE day.

Sooo whats going on in my life right now? besides the whole family thing... which i'm beginning to think is an on going thing and i just have to learn to deal with it.

I am definitely still looking for a job so... there that is...

hmmm what else... there is this creepy guy at church... i don't know why i feel the need to talk about him but he really irks me. he comes around my mom too much and i don't like it... mostly cuz hes CREEPY and he knows i'm ready to beat him down in a moments notice... but i won't i'm just READY to. Poised. POISED. ok i'm moving on. I DO love Jesus y'all.

I rearranged a couple pieces in my room. I took A Bird's Song down and replaced it with the two 11 by 17's... I like them better. That and I didn't feel like staring at it any more. I am ok but sometimes it just reminds me of things I don't want to think about. It faces the wall now on the side of my dresser.

It's fall! Which of COURSE means it's Norah Jones time. We are truly bff's. I even have on my vest today. My fingers are freezing while I'm typing but thats cool. really. its more cold than cool.

I'm hungry and I say it's peanut butter, jelly time.

the terrifying best

so! I am still in Bourbonnais my stomach now filled with blue slush and pizza which i'm sure will come up and thank me later with a firm handshake and a slap in the face.

I went to the football game tonight which was thoroughly... well it was not enjoyable it was rather mediocre besides the newly vamped up marching band which i'm proud to say has 12 flutes haha. but um... yeah! i mean it was nice seeing some people this weekend... it was NOT nice being ignored by people you thought were genuinely nice... then again the art department has not had a rep for producing... STELLAR people (personality wise... meh and art wise why not). So that was... i don't know it wasn't eye opening it was just... confirmation lets call it.

I don't plan on visiting often. Seriously the creepy Olivetians that come back after 2 years... ok i may come support the band (OF COURSE) but i won't visit for the sole purpose of camraderie. Everyone gets cycled out of this place. Everyone gets replaced by newer faster running models of themselves and everyone will be forgotten. Unless you are a planned giver. Ok i sound bitter... but honestly? I'm not. It was time to leave when I left... and i'm stuck in purgatory finding a job waiting to move on and refusing absolutely refusing to go backwards.

I don't want to make it seem like I can't ever move on or something I just... haha people surprise me that's all.

that's all.

last train home got to get on it

So currently I'm sitting at a friends computer updating my blog. believing that i blog here. and listening to blog number 28 of Immi Heap. Everytime EVERYTIME i hear a sample of her album... i just... my chest tightens and I get all worked up and I want her cd to be out RIGHT NOW right now i just can't wait for it. she's so amazing. immi immi immi.

So anyway more on my life adventures. I've been kind of depressed a little lately? Just because of things... you know things we deem as normal every day things that frustrate us. well i went to church the day i felt a little down (even my mom noticed) and this guy Larry Hutton (side note... my mom and I thought Ron Hutch was coming... Ron Hutch being... a fake person who is really Larry Hutton) came to speak about how we can have peace.

The thing is we've heard (or i feel we've heard) the message about how Christians need to have peace and things like that but he put it really simply and it was amazing. Jesus died... Jesus DIED. Jesus... died... was dead... so he could give us peace. He bore all sickness... but not just sickness he bore emotions... all of them ALL OF THEM so we could have peace and be happy. And yeah we hear that so much but... do we even get it? someone took on all the 'bad days' the days of frustration of worry of feeling lonely, sad and unwanted and not worthy of any ones love... he took that and DIED for it.

how... how can we not have peace? its there its instilled in all of us we just have to grasp it. someone DIED so we could feel wanted and loved and never alone! it brings tears to my eyes. feeling depressed is a choice that i don't have to be. I mean seriously. If you feel those feelings coming on you CAN say no to them cuz they are something trying to attack them.

Right now I'm looking at the Amplified version of John 16:33 which says: "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have perfect peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted! For I have overcome the world. I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you." He conquered all those things on the cross... just so we could feel good and have a happy life walking with Him.

So whenever I feel down I can say to my body (because God gave me the dominion to rule over my body and mind) I can choose to have peace and choose to be happy. I swear to bob its so much more funner. :0)

thinkin',

not ready to make nice?

i'm not a huge fan of the dixie chicks but i feel the title was appropriate. the question mark... its cuz i'm not a huge fan of the dixie chicks...

anyway. so for the last few days i've been a complete load. i've done NOTHING but knit. and eat and come to the library only to go home and knit and eat some more. i swear to bob. its not good. why is job hunting so... not fast paced. i mean it takes a lot but in the middle... the waiting? theres NOTHING! nothing. so... i've had a lot of time to ponder life in a general sense haha. and all sorts of memories start just... popping up in my brain and somehow... SOMEHOW i've come to the conclusion that i'm way too nice. so far... in my social life i've been bowled over by friends that walk all over me or friends that turn into... i don't know what they turn into but they end up walking all over me too... i spend my days thinking about what the other person may need while that samem person is thinking of what only they may need. its kind of... it happens a lot. and i could get all mad and write in capital italicized letters that i'm not going to put up with it anymore and this is the end of me being nice and considerate but thats never going to happen. i am a chick who enjoys listening haha... and doing stuff for other people... and accomodating and i will probably always be 'the giver' in the relationship. i guess i'm just trying to come to terms with it.

i've got a lot more to worry about like... how the heck i'm going to get a job haha and pay off bills... i shouldn't be worrying about not having anyone to talk to or having a significant other. whatever. haha... i'm doing such a good job at acting like i don't care....

anyway. i get to regress for a few days over the weekend traveling back to olivet hoping i avoid some people but am prepared anyway to see the entire Lollipop Guild. and i'm ok with it. :0) i'm mostly there for the marching band but stay for the people haha

well. i've clearly ventured enough for today... i totally forgot i was listening to music... i just like woke up and the weepies were playing... wHeird.

hold me close young tony danza

So I've been thinking for a few days about what to write in here. And how I said I would only write my aventuras and things of that nature. but my entire life in an adventure i've realized and people need to know about it. It is a precarious balancing act for you to be popular but have no one really know who you are. That is my life in a nutshell... except I'm not popular any more haha so it makes it easier... i guess. but the point is i'd like people to know me and things that go on with me and stuff like that. today won't be so heavy like 'i totaly almost diiied the other day' it'll be more like a day in the life haha

So my entire life... the friends I've made have been white. That is not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination... it's just who I relate more with... i can be myself a little easier... but usually that process involves all sorts of questions about my HAIR. I'm serious. 'how does it stay so soft? why isn't it like ours? you don't wash your hair everyday?! is it cuz black people are dirty....' i wish i was kidding. but i'm not. at all. so! here I am to explain the process (PROcess) of my hair and why its so intensive. just so you know and people can stop asking haha
Step. ONE. - hair becomes nappy... hmm... it's time to wash haha
TWO! - wet.
THREE... - wet again cuz it kind of just DRINKS water... like a sponge.
fore! - add sap moss - ummmmmmmm its from Aveda and it just helps your hair. not ACTUAL sap... and... moss...
phive - re...wet.
sixtour - soap... lets save some steps... soap again... and again... AND AGAIN cuz it won't lather...
seven - rinse repeat approximately 3 times. 4 if you've missed a week. *shrugs* it happens yo.
jon and kate plus.... - add... conditioner... wait. 15 minutes
niner - rinse out conditioner... yes. rinse it OUT. then put in leave in conditioner.
ten - oil the scalp and blow dry...
There was actual SMOKE coming out of the blow dryer thats how hot i had that thing... it was insanity.

so... theres like 90 extra steps in the styling of my hair... i left out a bunch just cuz it would make no sense to most people. haha

now I am off to put gas in my Libby and go to borders to steal knitting patterns without paying for them... :0)

fluv!

at the carwash

I'm currently staying at my sisters house for a few days... oh Valencia. er... Hinsdale.

I can't really tell you whats going on with my family right now? but i can give you my current thoughts :0)

• I have a wedgie the size of the great state of Texas


• I believe the librarian behind me has been inspecting said wedgie for going on 20 minutes now


• My legs are caveman hairy. but they are out because its raining. and my pants are long


• I believe the librarian behind me is also inspecting said caveman hairy legs and writing them in her memoirs.


• I broke out the GULP'D today (Ginormous Polka Dotted Umbrella of Life)


• Currently listening to Putumayo Presents: Paris at the moment. love!love!


• Wishing I could listen to blog 28 from Imogen Heap


• Cable knit scarves are really easy. And I'm going home to work on it.


• Wondering how people can be so stupid - "i think he's attracted to me but he has a girlfriend..." ah the makings of affairs and daytime television

Dance in the rain today!

it's been a long time - we shouldn't have left you...

so! I haven't written in here forever... there have been numerous accounts of times I could have written in here like that one awesome shopping trip... that one time I went downtown... and that other time i stole something from Jewel but! not this time today is my last day of work! and i feel since i gave a running commentary on my day on the first day... there should be a conclusive one on the last day of work... so here starts the first couple minutes of the day :0)

8:59 AM - I am writting this blog... clearly (*OBviously*) and waiting to pop in Prison Break so I can illegally watch it during work. I have run out of work. All work is finished. They have closed the gate. We cannot escape. by the by... I look good today. Everyone should know this. later gator!

9:09 AM - 3 words. Iced. Cof.Fee.

9:41 AM - PAUSE! Watching Prison Break - FREAKING OUT because its so intense. There's a riot at the jail and they ALL BROKE OUT and they're trying to get this woman and... its just so crazy. so i paused it... because I really need a commercial break from our sponsors. 

9:51 AM - In other news I got a little bit of work... updating but work all the same and I'm happy for it. Sorry I'm posting so dang much I'm SO bored. And I forgot my journal... and i just took my headphones off cuz theres a RED DOT POINTING AT HIS CHEST - i had to pause it haha

11:09 AM - today is going to be more eventful than i... realized haha. still watching Prison Break but now... I have to pee. I'm treating myself to shrimp fried rice for lunch and rangoons for dessert and... coffee? maybe just a very small sugar free amount of coffee... mabye i'll start my letter. mabye iiii will. after i pee.

11:50 AM - to the Aurora Office one last time - people astound me.

12:48 PM - done. now i'm eating shrimp fried rice and of course... watching MORE prison break. i'm... ready to go... 

2:55 PM - almost finished! just had my last team meeting... they're so nice... i'll miss Donnie the most... now burning a disc for my last proyecto

3:52 PM - So long, farewell, good bye auf weidersehen i'd like to stay and taste my first champagne... yes? no. :0) It's time to GO. its been real... and its been fun... sometimes it was real fun... and other times it was just real. I'm leavin. and I'm taking these dang headphones with ME! peaccccce

antarctica

So I'm watching this documentary on illustrators and graphic designers working together making a project called Serious Play and it really makes you think. 

I wish I had gone to an art school. My life would have been completely different. I probably would have been ripped apart but I might have come back together with my own style you know? 

I don't regret the people I've met the choices I've made but there is always that tiny inkling of... 'what if...' and i'm sure thats everyone. 

I feel like i need a close art partner... someone who doesn't want to compete with you... who doesn't want to secretly rip you off like half the art students at my alma mater and just want to help you grow and you help them grow. I think I could become fast friends with this imaginery perfect person. I don't feel nurtured as an artist I feel coddled like a baby. Like I'm way behind in my art and way ahead in my mind... it's a horrible paradigm

lately i've felt kind of in a floaty place. where i'm not really here nor there about anything not really mad or sad in terms of one topic or the other but i'm starting to get to a certain point:

Lots of people happen to be class A idiots.

You talk they don't listen, help they don't take it, love they don't want it, reach out they pull back. So whats the point? after a while you get tired of reaching, loving, talking, helping. The Bible says people need discipline because they don't understand words. Which is true... someone can tell you 'YOU NEED HELP' all you want but until you discipline your mind into changing... you stay the same. I'm not speaking to one person in particular... and if i was? It wouldn't matter because it wouldn't help. the first jump sets everything in motion. take the jump already JUMP otherwise you end up wih nothing... over... and over... and over again

I've been thru the desert on a horse with no name

So I have a real adventure for ya! I got a car! It's probably the worst ordeal i've been through transaction wise. The payment was smooth but transferring the title was crazy. it probably would have gone relatively smoothly if they had a) told us there were fees up front and b) if we had a lady that understood the complex workings of technology. My dad tracked the time and we got there at 8 and left at aboout 9:15. *nods* I really want to give you a play by play of my experience. I promise you I will never EVER forget it... and in the future I bet i'll be friends with her. 

This! is the jist of my dealings with her... pretty much what she said the entire time. 

8:00 - may i help you? license please? title please? *time slows down* now... what... where do i enter... this here. JUDY! JUDY! I entered... this... but it says... oh I put it in the wrong spot? can i have your social...? *tip.... tap... tap...* 

8:15 - Ok now I need your phone number... mhmm... mhmm 2-3? oh 2-1... JUDY!!! now do i just scroll down? you know i'm new... and they trainin me... you can't be mad just be patient with me...  JUDY!

8:45 - You tryin to mess with me? Cuz i'm new... we aren't in Kane County! I put a C... but it came up Kane! I DID scroll down now Judy don't mess with me! whats your phone number again? 

9:00 - We almost done... theres a light at the end of the tunnel *of HORRIBLENESS* oh ok... exit... i did that! Judy I did that! I gotta get the receipt? oh... sign here... and here... now you know I'm new right? Do you have a job? (yes) did they have to train you? (no.) you're very lucky... cuz i have to be trained... 

by that time i could have lain on the floor and screamed. all day. but i just wanted to leave. and THEN after that giant ordeal they rushed us out of there! HAHA. 

"oh squiggly line in my eye fluid... oh squiggly line."

Judy Garland vs. Tootie

I went on an actual adventure and have been too dang tired to write about it haha but! never fear i am not so tired now with the strength of Fruit Punch Crystal Lite in me... and kettle corn haha

Thursday: "PETER! WE SLEPT IN!" I got to sleep in for the first time in a while (weekends included) and I still woke up at 7:15 on my own. crazy circus trained body haha. I finally decided just to get up and get ready and THEN veg. and so i did... watched Jim Carrey on Regis and Kelly... then it was roadtrip time! we headed onto Peoria. we took these amazing backroads because Garmin's amazing and i got to see fun towns like Dwight (I do really want to photograph there) and El PASO and Eureka! it was pretty sweet. We made it to Jon's and hung out for like 5 minutes before heading to Taco Bell (the land of cheap good indigestion causing food) and on the road. For a while we were ok just talking about random things like if we made a female counterpart to Hooters. (it would be called sausage and meatballs hahaha) and depressing things like how the economy is going to explode because of global warming or how we were going to start a vineyard. *sigh* heartfelt. the expanse of road from peoria to st. louis is DAUNTING. its just sky. farm. road. sky.farm.road. skyfarmroad and then they all blend and you're DYING from boredom. forever. I eventually got out the weepies and slept for 20 minutes i just couldn't take it! then finally after deciding that we were going to start a hair salon similar to Hair Force One we were there!

We crashed for like 12 seconds before going to steak n shake for food stuffs. then the guys headed out for Tom Waits and we got movies. Definitely, Maybe = very cute Great Debaters = REALLY good Fool's Gold = why? did you spend the time makin it? ok. and Papa John came along for the ride too haha and took Grapes and Red Velvet Cupcakes with him. It was good! haha by the end of the last movie the boys were home and EVERYONE was sufficiently DEAD.

SLEEP! haha

Friday: I was the first one awake. Wonder of wonders! I am NEVER the first one awake. I swear its my body now! its HORRID. (bad enough to say the word HORRID) I kinda putzed around ate some grapes, journaled a little bit before actually getting dressed. then we headed towards St. Louis. It was a good drive Garmin took us through fun urban parts of the city that you would never see all while listening to Bob Dylan who turned out to be the perfect soundtrack for the ride! It made me feel like I was in the middle of Elizabethtown. I got to see the Arch for the first time which was pretty freaking cool up close. We made it to the City Museum and quickly realized who was running the show inside... CHILDREN. millions of children ok not millions but 1 kid = 4 kids so 200 kids = 800 kids = A MILLION. soooo we left haha. which i was ok with... i can handle kids. 

Then we went over to Rally's (i'm so. hungry) and onto the St. Louis Art Museum which was FREE (aka even better!) it was a nice cozy museum (FREEE) and it was relaxing... the park the museum was in was HUGE and just... gorgeous. parks in the middle of cities are AMAZING. kudos to whoever thought of it. then we saw Wall-E. such a cute movie! see it. everyone. ever. seeit. 

We headed out on the road after the movie. The first part of the drive (appr. 120 miles) was not that bad! a) it was night b) there was Michael Jackson involved. i mean you can't be bored with Michael! no. you can't. oh! and we decided if his music doesn't make you want to dance you have no soul. so... check on that everyone. the drive through rural Illinois was not as exciting when it was daytime... El Paso lost its charm and Eureka lost its exclamation point. The stars however were uncommonly clear... or maybe they're always clear i can just never see them haha. I felt like a little kid staring out the window with my face pressed up against the glass. I could have ridden on the roof of the car happily. FinallyyyyHOME.

It was a good little mini vacation - friday especially. it was just what i needed to get my mind off of EVERYTHING haha... i'm definitely ready to go home TODAY. i haven't seen my family in a while and i like them haha. only two more days. meanwhile i have resorted to Crisis Lockdown Mode and for now its working but i'm sure it won't last longer than next week. *shrugs* for now! CLM. 

til then,

llueve...

today i woke up to my mom calling and telling me it was an umbrella day... i groggily replied "whaa?" three times before she told me IT'S RAINING and let me go back to sleep for... 5 minutes. it was not like TORRENTIAL DOWNPOURS of life it was just... steady. 

i am a fan of steady rain. 

So. my polka dotted double golf sized double paneled wind pocketted umbrella and I set off down the road in the steady rain. I put on my rain soundtrack which is actually the Amelie soundtrack and i was right... as rain. seriously. next time you find yourself with the option of walking in the rain do it. and find a good Putumayo Presents CD and just revel in the rain. I didn't think about anything except twirling my umbrella and avoiding puddles that could swallow me whole and just... was. I'm never just there often so it's always a good feeling and its ALWAYS in the rain.

work today wasn't bad! it was actually good... i took control. haha taking control of a day is way better than getting SWALLOWED in it. the rain helped :0) i swear its God materialized sometimes especially soft steady rain. 

i'm tired of getting swallowed. its a daily struggle to lift myself out. i don't know what to do anymore so i become recluse. no eye contact no words. i draw into myself. and yet it still hurts. putting myself out there hurts not doing anything at all hurts... doing just a LITTLE hurts. can anyone find the happy medium between hurt and not cuz i'm desperately searching DAILY.

it seems the adventure i'm on is just. daily life. 

billy collins connects.

Forgetfulness

The name of the author is the first to go

followed obediently by the title, the plot

the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel

which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart. 

genesis

"...to lose a friend is to grieve a death" - Ring of Endless Light 

it's harder than you think.

mmm... no new aventuras for awhile except job searching. i wasn't that motivated until the other day when i realized i can't take much more. whatever floats your boat or finds your lost remote. 

new potential aventuras:

• buying a car
  
• buying a computer/software
  
• getting a full time job
  
• saving money forever
  
• paying off loans for about that much time too
  
• going to europe for my birthday
  
• road trip!
  
• getting a pet
  
• getting fit and hating the process 
  
• finding an everyday good friend
  
• avoiding eHarmony like the plague 
  
• rooting myself in God :0)

stay tuned.

WICKED!

you know how i was pining to write out emotions just as they are but couldn't the other night? its an ongoing thing.

have you ever done something you desperately wish you could take back? i've done a lot... i wish i could do over... but theres one in particular that i would give anything to undo do anything to censor or soften the blow... but i can't take it back and though it seems sometimes you move on from it... they never really forget it. not completely. sometimes you still feel the sting even if it's 1 year... 10 years from then... you end up reliving it. 

this new adulthood i've stepped into has caused me to HAVE to deal with things because of it. i hate it. wont lie but secretly i'm hoping that dealing with issues in my life will only make things better for me... make me a stronger person... help me to trust in God... in myself and trust that all people aren't necessarily out to cause pain...

i think i want to get rid of emotions simply because i'm actually feeling them now. on a regular basis and with force behind them. i got a chance to express emotion besides happy and learn to let them go at the same time. now that is kind of gone... so it kind of... sucks. 

i'm entering adulthood with more care now and though i teeter and fall a lot i can't really stop now. already i've made some mistakes and some hurts just keep resurfacing no matter how hard i try to repress them. that could be a lesson in itself to not repress feelings but for now for this particular thing i think its best to walk away from it. the good thing is i know God will forgive me... 490 is the number He forgives. i have to let it go... and deal with the next issue... and in time... he'll heal the hurts too...... and replace them with something to be joyous about. 

new aventura en francais

i've decided to learn french... yeah. 

i got cd's from the library and right now i am learning to say 'do you speak english/french?'  'yes/no i can/can't speak/a little french/english sir/madam' hahaha i love it. i sound like a complete idiot but! my skill with imitating and language accents is coming in real handy here. 

i will give periodic updates on new phrases... and whenever i learn "I believe you are in league with the butcher" in spanish, french and portuguese (the native tongue of Holly Golightly for one scene in Breakfast at Tiffany's - all time favorite.) 

i am doing so well! so exciting! i love new languages... i think its civilized to be fluent in other languages... so cool! haha keep up with me make sure i'm still doing this in a month!

je comprends le français! vous comprenez le francais? hahaha

horrible fuzzy feelings of song titles?

let Ingrid do the talkin' and you just do the listening, Starting Now.

but Let Go,  don't listen to the silky soul-piercing voice of Ingrid and Just For Now lets listen to Deb Talan. :0)! lovelove. short entry tonight guys

Just about the time 

Your heart breaks like a wheel 

Not in a straight line 

But all in pieces 

Some you'll leave behind 

On a road you won't revise 

No you won't  

Revisit that dirty compromise  

Now you only  

Dream in peaceful blue  

The morning doesn't even scare you anymore  

You are a phoenix with your feathers still a little wet 

Baby the ashes just look pretty on  your eyes 

Dry your wings in the sun  
You have only begun to understand 
When its time to move on  
There is no one to hold your hand 
So let go 
Let go 
Let go  

Here the night is fine  
Stars are sparks of steel  
Chiseled in the minds of twilight  
You tell me something real 
Say don't try  
Don't try 
Just remember how  
Remember 

not now but soon

i wish i had the ability to express intense emotion using words. don't get me wrong i have an extensive vocabulary that doesn't include cursing so i can sufficiently tell you off using the acceptable english language. 

but i'm not mad. so don't worry haha

i'm...... thats just it. i know what i feel i know how i am i just can't WRITE IT. and i wish i could use powerful words to say what i feel. no capital letters just a mixture of letters and punctuation to make a huge impact. i think i could deal better if i didn't express in such childish terms. but sometimes the simplest of sentences can have the most impact. i think i'm going to eliminate the word "ugh" from my vocab though. 

secret? i've always dreamed of dancing. i love LOVE! ballet. it is a closet obsession... not so closet anymore but hardly anyone reads this. i'm short... my feet don't extend all the way... there is no fluidity in any of my movements. if i was blessed with the ability to dance and the privilege of having a car i'd be gone right now haha in some studio dancing life away. i think its expression in a pure unconcentrated form. 

i wish there was a surgical procedure to extract feelings... i wish emotions were poke-able and squishy so you knew how love felt... and hard and metallic so you knew what anger looked like... and i wish pride and bitterness were a hammer that hit you until you woke up and realized your constant state of self abuse and stupidity. 

but those are the kind of wishes that disappear right along with the ability to touch clouds and eat them like cotton candy. (pretty sure everyone asked that when they were little)

Casting a Care,

love is a house and you got the key!

Have you ever tried narrating your life as a book?

mmkay.

Explanation time! okay so see... I like to read... and usually it comes in bursts of reading love and then not so much (kind of like knitting) but i've been on a reading kick lately mostly cuz i don't have a tv (but i do now! WHOO) and i find myself like... narrating.. things? yeah is that slightly creepy? no. not if you're a reader haha all i do is add ", says Abby in a haughty slightly condescending tone." its not so creepy... even ever so slightly at all. at all. *shrugs* i just like books ok? haha

in other news i am officially finished with the Aurora yearbook... FOREVER. *insert giant sigh here* as much... blood sweat and tears literally went into this whole 2 year process of life and sometimes wasted time i am SO ready to be done with it! well i mean i AM done with it so... iii'm glad i was ready? I'm glad i learned from the HORRIBLENESS that was last year and i'm glad i got to produce something so gorgeous (its my child. don't take that away from me! what if i was unable to have children??? ok too far... bringin it back.) and it was worth all the crap that went down... sometimes... but... yay for closure. haha i swear its the one thing people are always looking for and when you get it... you don't actually believe you have it. 

spiritual update! (its like the weather report... no? no.) i'm still definitely working on forgiveness in all areas of my life. it stretches farther than... i could have imagined... i said before that with reading it comes and goes? thats how i feel about my spiritual life sometimes... like ohhhhhhmygoshisoooooloveGooood... and then other times its like... i don't feel like getting into the Word or my devotions tonight. OR why can't i forgive easier? God forgives us 490 times a DAY... haha i think i could lend a couple people forgiveness... Can anyone tell me why is that? 

I just heard a message about being bold the other day... handing out tracts to people on the street. It's just a piece of paper that you give to them... they can choose to read it or not read it... and it's one of the most gut wrenching things you do... the awesome thing is God made you bold... not boldness comes in time God formed you... to be bold. Boldness is instilled in us its part of our make-up as a person. So us NOT being bold... though it may seem like its not a choice us not choosing boldness makes us cowardice because thats WHAT we are! BOLD! I just find that to be really cool...

and in thinking about that why can't i get on board? why is there this burning desire to know God to want to get closer in my walk with Him and other times i feel like it's being put out or like i have ZERO will power in any aspect of my life starting with my spiritual life? does anyone else ever feel like that?

It's getting late and i should finish what i was doing... 

what am i gonna WEAR tomorrow? and i started a scarf :0)

aventuras!

can i just say that i miss my Aventura and Ven Conmigo spanish books from days of yore? Yore. was. awesome. 

I've decided to use this blog as my adventure (AVENTURA if you will) blog... running commentaries on... first days of work... lock-ins in larsen... epiphanies of life in general and spiritual life... stuff like that. This blog is public (mhmm i knew that before) but talking about things no one else needs to know... not good. the aventura begins now! maybe i'll include photos... *shrugs* i haven't decided. we will see! 

:0)

9 am - first day of work first day of work! :0)

updates forthcoming... stay tuned people of bloglandia...

its 2:35 and we're in the middle of quiet hours. yeah. we have quiet hours. the odd thing is we're not allowed to REALLY be loud all day... i don't... i don't know haha. But so far we have:

• been introduced to Brian Allen and prayed over by him
• had AMAZING pastries amazing. love love.
  
• had french vanilla coffee - awesome.
• working on the university life handbook (te.di.ous.)
• and had pizza for lunch... courtesy of Brian Allen (i've already decided we are bff's. its a done deal)

I was really giggly for a while... you know me... but it subsided. I think it's gonna be so fun to work here. SO fun haha. more updates to come! afterthoughts and whatnot... yayyay.

3:19 - Brian Allen = hymns, conducting and chapel

3:59 - DONE! YAAAAY!!! whoohooooooo!! afterthoughts to come soon. i also have some ponderings on forgiveness...

10:38pm - hello world. work's over. it was a really good first day! i got through it all right and even made headway into the world of starting over. i also took some pizza for dinner haha. things are slowly getting better... patching up relationships with various people and still finding the courage to patch things up. its difficult. like a bunch of difficult. i hate that i don't really know what i did besides be associated with something horrible. i don't like apologizing for things over and over again. i've gotten way better at not saying sorry so much. i just want things to be better you know? its ok. this won't last forever. but i know that if i hate someone... i'm really only hating God... i can't love God and hate someone else thats scripture... so... disliking someone for reasons only YOU know and that don't make sense is completely pointless haha. It's best to let it go and save yourself... or you'll end up losing yourself. Forgiveness is tricksy but not as complicated as you think. 

i was out of your range...

lots of things have been going on in my life as of... forever haha i am super excited about some of then and some of them just SUCK. really a lot. but thats a normal part of life! hooray haha
BULLET POINTS!

• iiii made it through my senior show! i didn't think i would actually see that through just because i've never done something SO HUGE before it just seemed physically impossible for me to pull off. but it did. and things SOLD! what? i know.
• i graduated! as of 5 days ago i'm a college grad i have a DEGREE in graphic design HOLY crap haha... that just hit me... its a NICE FEELING. and i graduated cum laude... not bad!
• i have a summer job! a GOOD summer job doing graphics... wonderful
• the supplement is finished.... i've cleaned out my office (save my coffee pot and darkroom prints) and turned in my key. my tiny portion of reign has ended... i feel good having helped put out an amazing book with 2 amazing people...
• i have a new ROOM! i have my own room! ok for all the people that may be reading this scratching their head this is a BIG. DEAL. i... i just haven't had a space of my own in a while and... and i can close the door... and watch tv and DECORATE (i hung three of my pieces) and... UGH its amazing.
• i opened a savings account! FINALLY
• i bought Hideaway by the Weepies... *sigh* if i could adopt entire families it would be theirs.. and the Taylors... different subject though... never mind you don't know them.
• i bought pecan sandies today! obviously cause to celebrate.

I wrote that letter last night... it was more of me just rambling and not even feeling what i felt before. i didn't feel hurt or angry i felt sad like i'd lost a portion of something i really enjoyed before. i also felt LOSS cuz i do'nt think i'll get it back again... it kinda feels hopeless and pointless at the same time... its definitely time to move on. i think i can still rebuild a little bit but really... i just want to move past all this. it also sucks cuz i won't ever get to clear my name with a couple people. i just end up muddied in a lot of peoples eyes. that was never my intention.....

so thats MY life up to date finally! now the school children are invading the library and it is time to GOOOO. :0) g

come together

right now i'm sitting in Larsen waiting for our LOCK IN to begin! i will check in on the hour EVERY hour.

Hour 1 - 11:59 - we have already had 3 dropouts. you know what i call that? a QUITTER. we are sitting in the computer lab escapiiiinnnng NOW.

Hour 2 - 12:58 - we are currently sitting in complete darkness in Kresge... watching Achmed the dead terrorist... and being hungry and sleepy all at the same time. Jasper made the speakers go BAH! and we... we all jumped... stay tuned happy people of blog world... this could get interesting. There's pizza rolls involved... :0)

Hour 3 - 2:05 - we JUST survived a public safety scare... we were in Kresge and tia sent us a text message saying "GO!" us in kresge thought it meant... "come out they are gone... let us eat!" no. no no it was Pubical Safety ON THE MOVEONTHEMOVE. we turned off Ugly Betty and stealth moved over to opposite corners of Kresge... and WAITED. for EVER. omg who knew Pubes were so SLOW at locking up Larsen?! i swear 6 years later we heard them checking the locks of Kresge. Oddly enough I felt like i was in the sound of music because someone kept shining a FLASHLIGHT our way *coughjaspercough* and FARTING. yeah. same person. so someone came and knocked on the door up top and... we didn't move like good little steathies and it was Tia saying WE'RE FREEEEEEEEE!! we took a picture. and then got ALL the food and started watching mean girls... meanwhile... strength is dwindling.......

Hour 4 - 3:00 - Mean Girls is going strong *say crack again* CRACK. but we are not... kristen is full on asleep... Tia is kind of asleep? and Jasper is the equivalent to drunk now... he's all over the place... but the pizza rolls were good! they're gone now. ooo Hot Wing and Blue Cheese Doritos? not. a good invention. Sweet Spicy Chili Doritos? JACK. POT.

Hour 5 - 4:00 - our numbers have dwindled... there are only 3 of us now... tia kristen and myself. after mean girls we lost 3 people to church and homework... sad... only the faithful survive... we are going to take a little nap in kresge especially since they don't CHECK the upstairs doors... stay tuned blog world...

Hour 6 - 5AM - alarms! oh... just tia's alarm. It's almost 5 am! PUBES COMES BACK AT 5! SCRAMBLING AND PICKING UP OF BLANKETS! stealth move downtstairs to the recruiter office pack up our things and jet out of there victorious and to sweet sleep in our own beds.

we have just spent a successful night in a building locked down and checked by Pubic Safety themselves. Risky? Maybe not as risQUE as some people would think but for us? definitely FREAKIN SWEET. Fun as heck? PSH. yes. mean girls at 3 am with pizza rolls?? come ON!!!!

I am glad i got to be a part of this as a kind of a last... HURRAH if you will. I was a part of the first annual larsen lock-in. a tradition no a STANDARD set... for generations to come. *american flag comes up behind me waving proudly* as i boldly walk into my future! i will leave behind a legacy of watching movies at 3 am! running SPRINTING at the slightest sound... and evading... THE MAN. *tear!* hahahaha

best days best days!

i just want to say that the past few days have been AMAZING. my show is coming along! the light... i see it... i went to the gospel choir concert and... it was just so awesome. to all who missed it? one word. unlucky. (like having a tall grandmother) i've been focusing i KNOCKED my pieces out of the park i finally finished A Bird's Song - a piece... that turned out kiiinda morbid! its ok. i know why... it was an emotional piece that started out like 'i'm sending you away' but ended up like 'i'm cutting you out of my life' soooo. end of that story. and i finished the Prudential Plaza AMEN finally and it looks good! SO! PTL amen lets move on to finishing advanced photo and graphic advertising II! aaaaawesome! ok!

i'm also going to Wildwood tomorrow and i'm really excited! also excited for Tuesday... and next tuesday... and this friday... and next thursday... and next next next saturday :0).

i feel like 60 times better! seriously! i cranked out pieces and adjusted them and... i just i'm more focused! its AWESOME! now that i'm not tired at all i need to go to bed for church in the morning! okay!... okaybyyye

honest to blog?

the past few days have been wonderful and i'd just enjoooy sharin'

today i went to a bridal shower and was actually social. i have a hard time with being social its happened like that my whole life. i feel like if i don't have plans for the weekend i'm obviously a loser. since this happens 99.9999999997 percent of the time i obviously feel loserish. tonight was a bit of a stretch and i enjoyed it. bridal shower gifts are the BEST... including the MINTY ky TINGLING warming gel hahaha. i also made tortellini tonight... i'm impressed with my OWN self! AND my friend maggie gave me an AWESOME gift of tea pot shaped cookies and a tea-for-one teapot and mug!!! i cried... and a cd (stars! whoo!) and a dvd... it was SO unexpected and awesome! i finally found some friends! PTL y'all ptl haha

in other news i walked home in the rain last night listening to the Amelie soundtrack. is that not the most romantic thing you've ever heard? it was such a peaceful rain and i just enjoyed it so much... i wish i could have stayed out forever. i cleared my head and just... relaxed. i also watched all of the episodes of Miss Guided on ABC online with my roommate. good show! watch it!

the day before that was good but i don't remember why... haha it was just a good mood day! oh i remember! in the morning i went to Jewel and bought grapes and pistachios (two of my favorite foods) and treated myself to a lunch of sweet and sour chicken and a dessert of rangoons :) i was alone and enjoyed being alone it was an amazing feeling.

new realization! i have recently started dealing with a lot of issues in my life and am beginning to see myself in a new light. i am starting to embrace the fact that i am single and will be for some time and i really want to enjoy it! i am also getting more into the Bible more and devotions and its to the point where i have bad days without talking to God (i mean obviously) and i'm just more peaceful and happy... i'm still working on things like my relationship with my dad. i'm learning to forgive him before actually moving on to a healthy relationship with him. i really want to have a strong relationship with God and i feel like i'm finally getting help and moving forward and becoming a young woman finally. i'm also trying to work on the weight too... i started taking vitamins and i just need to work on walking more like around the block n stuff... if anyone feels like joining? come on with me. this week as stressful as it potentially could have been was really nice. cept tuesday was bad... really bad but its better now! it stopped being so dang gloomy haha

check THAT out

check out my new header er'body! :0) yeaaaah!

I should be doing lots of things right now but i am procrastinating... but i will! right meow. kay bye!

p.s. in other news life is awKWARD and annoying in terms of dealing with people... but... not the normal person you'd think! i'm ready to graduate everyone. ready. to. leave. 

i used to have one of these...

I actually have an LJ but this one I just feel like having to update when I feel like it... so STICK AROUND...

b-b-benny and the JETS.