Wednesday, June 27, 2012

SLW: Guest Post + Book Review

All I seem to write nowadays is SLW posts. What up with that?! This summer has proved to be heavy in terms of work, which is SLIGHTLY depressing but real life all the same. SLW's keep me going though! 

Today we've got a special guest post paired with a book review from my AMAZING friend Maggie. A bit of background on Miss Ness, I met her in college my freshman year. She's an awesome photographer and we bonded over quippy quotes and oddly enough NOT talking. We are pretty much the same person - she is the caucasian version of me and I am the black version of her. I can tell her pretty much anything because she's already thinking it. It'sssssprettygreat. I love her real style. She is reviewing Rachel Dratch's book "Girl Walks Into a Bar..." which is apparently really awesome and funny. Also it's purported to be very similar to the rest of my Single Lady Wednesday posts. Obviously I ordered it from the library straight away haha. Enjoy! 

I’m going to start off by saying that I have no idea how to review a book without just saying “ERMAGERSH THIS BERK IS SOOOOOO GEEEEEERD.” But I will try, so bear with me.

Growing up watching SNL basically formed my sense of humor, and the women of SNL have pretty much all become role models for my life. They taught me how to put myself fully into everything I do, kick ass while doing it, and not give a shit what other people think.

There’s definitely been a trend of lady comedians writing books lately and I am loving every single one. I remember seeing Rachel Dratch pop up in skits as little boys and Calista Flockhart, and eventually her titular character of Debbie Downer. I always admired her for being a little different, but after a brief stint on 30 Rock she pretty much disappeared. This is where her memoir comes into my life.

She takes the familiar path of lady-comedian-book-writing-format and goes over her years at Dartmouth, at Second City in Chicago, then finally her tenure at SNL (the good stuff!). But that’s not really what this book is about. It’s about being single and alone, and unsure of where your life is headed (sound familiar?).

Rachel entertainingly recounts her experiences with The Three Addicts, a few hilariously disastrous post-SNL jobs, strange spiritual interventions, and the 3 non-showbiz dates she had before meeting the father of her son. It’s funny, witty, and definitely made me tear up more than once.

But what I admire the most about Rachel’s journey through singleness and her “midlife miracle,” (and what I fully intend to incorporate more into my own life) is her employment of the improv rule: “Yes And.” When you stop being scared and start saying “Yes And,” your life can go basically anywhere. It’s a lesson I definitely need to learn and I’m so glad I took a few hours out of my life to read how it affected someone else’s way of thinking and the journey of their life.


But seriously, I highly recommend it and it’s such a quick and easy read that you’ll knock it out in a couple days and also learn something about how funny life can be at the same time.
I think if you like Tina's book and Mindy's book this falls right in line with them. Honestly I can't get enough of my favorite women of television's books. I'm holding out for a book from Amy Poehler and my life will pretty much complete itself. Their thought process is hilarious but their wisdom is real. 

I'm off to Joanne Fabrics to get embroidery floss for friendship bracelets! I can't get enough of them lately. For a person who hates things to adorn her wrists this might be a terrible endeavor but I love that they're coming back in style. I remember my sister's Caboodle (OH MAN.) being filled with all types of embroidery floss. I was so jealous of her bounty. So jealous. 

Happy (really warm) Wednesday! 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

SLW: "It happens when you least expect it!" and other sayings that make you want to punch your friends in the face.

I think we've all gotten advice from friends and family perking us up about our perpetual state of singleness:

"...Plenty of fish...!" (dot com)
"It happens when you aren't looking!"
"When you LEAST expect it then you'll meet the perfect man!"

Okay, I don't want it to seem like I am ungrateful for the genuinely heartfelt advice given by good friends when when is this advice ever gonna EVOLVE!? I find my self in the middle of my day asking "Am I least expecting it NOW??" and "I wasn't looking so does that mean NOW?!" like gauging myself on how LITTLE I expected my future husband to walk through the door made for a successful day! Seriously...

Being single is fine and dandy when trying to man it alone but look or feel the least bit lonely and the age old adages are drug from the closet like they're clinically proven to work. Guess what 4 out of 5 doctors say??? I DON'T CARE. Sometimes you're just over THINKING about being single without your grandma asking you when you're gonna give her more grandkids. It's tiring and frustrating.

I wonder if we just told the truth to our single girlfriends when we walk up to you all dewey eyed saying "I'm lonely." I wonder what would happen. Being brutally honest usually isn't in people's nature, even if brutal honesty is needed, that phrase becomes a cushion I think. Like you have a friend that ends up with the wrong guy every time and desperately NEEDS to stop looking, in our nervousness we shout out "LEAST EXPECT IT!" I'm really trying to give you married friends the benefit of the doubt here, your intentions are good I just know it. : )

The fact of the matter is...
"It's just not time yet and when it is you'll meet. You and I have NO idea when that time is so don't waste yours trying to figure out when it IS time. Let it go and live your life in the meantime. If you ever get lonely do not drown yourself in food. That is a real bit of advice for you. Take up crafting. It's pretty great. Let's hug it out."

That's the friend way of saying "GET OVER IT!!! You're awesome so move on." Ya know? Tell this to me next week when I'm upset because everyone on Facebook just got married but you understand what I'm saying. And then we'll bake cupcakes together cuz you yelled at me. I'm sensitive!

Is this a doable thing? Things DO happen when you're not thinking about them so, yes, thank you, friends for the advice, but let's bring this into the 21st century hmm?? Love you guys on the real though.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

adulthood can suck it.

I think we need to have a class called "How to be a successful adult" that consists of mostly margaritas, crying and hugging it out.

True adulthood is tiring! I just paid off a credit card bill *yay!* and now have ANOTHER giant bill added onto that. It never stops does it? You save and scrounge and save and scrounge and pay and save and scrounge and then... what?

I feel like I will never get to a place in my life where things are just... GOOD in terms of money. There will always be another bill, months will always roll into next months, I will never not want that coat at the Gap! I just sit in the middle of the room and cry but that accomplishes nothing. So we get up... and go to work... and come home... and get up and do the same thing over again.

Who decided this was a good idea?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

single lady status

Ya know how when you shave you miss exactly ONE leg hair...

and you don't notice it until you actually feel it blowing in the breeze?

Me either. That's never happened. 

SLW: What I've learned about guys (and also myself)

I don't really have that much experience WITH guys seeing as how I only dated one... and that was disastrous? but I am practical and I watch... everything. I've seen 20 year relationships succeed and I've also seen them end. I just stay quiet... and watch... like a creeper but let's not focus on that.

In my 26 years of DOMINATING single ladyness I've learned a few things about guys. (is that an oxymoron to know things about guys while being single?? haha uhhh...) You're all about learning from my infinite well of knowledge amiright?!

- guys like things simple. Food? Steak. Dessert? Chocolate chip cookies. Emotions? happy! sad! choose one. don't be both. It's much easier said than done because as a woman I aim to please. I may want to SLAVE over a hot stove all day making duck a l'orange deplooploo de beauvoir but really all that man wants is a good seasoned non rubbery STEAK. Same with determining your relationship. It should NOT take forever. Are we dating? Good. If we're dating we shouldn't have to TALK about seeing other people because WE'RE DATING EACH OTHER.  Any guy who makes things complicated probably isn't being straight with you. And you're happiest when things aren't complicated right?

- a guy that says he wants to be friends with you wants two things: he wants to date you AND/OR he wants to have sex with you. If you are not interested in either (would you like your muffin buttered?) then keep it ULTRA casual. They're really just hoping you'll see the light and date them? Or be lonely enough for a Thursday night booty call. Keepin' it real guys I'm keepin' it real.

- guys are pretty straightforward in real life - I know! I know. Dudes are stupid and they make no sense but  I'm gonna be honest with your faces. If they like you? They will make it KNOWN. "He had finals! His grandmothers best friends interior designers aunt? Just fractured her toe." Yeahh no. If this dude likes you he will find a WAY to get some face time... with your face. Don't sweat other dudes who make it like training for a marathon to get in touch with them. You ignoring them may make them see the light.

 - confidence. Dudes. freakin. LOVE. CONFIDENCE. You could be 450 lbs and WORKIN the HECK out that dress and guys will be attracted to what you're exuding. You could be size 00 and hideously repellent to men because you don't even get it! You can't see. Wonder why all the girls you NEVER thought would have a boyfriend TOTALLY DO? They saw that confidence, that inner SOMETHING in them and it outshone any other thing. It's a true light.

- guys honestly like standards that are KEPT. If you "never do this on a first date" so many times... then you ALWAYS do this on a first date and you might need to get check out for a disease called "being a skank." If you are all about the standards then don't waver. Never waver. If you say you're gonna do something, do it. If you're not, why'd you say it?

Navigating relationships with dudes is weird. You want to figure them out while keeping the mystery and that makes no sense to me. Personally, guys take up too much of my brain power... and yet I would still like to have a boyfriend, marry and have children. I mean COME ON. I'd much rather navigate being single right now and when it's time to jump into a relationship I'll remember what I've learned. (mostly just bake chocolate chip cookies and you're golden.)

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


I worked til 2:30 this morning.

I didn't fall asleep until about 4AM... birds were chirping.

I'm going BACK to work at 7 this evening.

Needless to say I'm kind of hungover on work...

Today I don't have any adventures for you or anecdotes to share just... watching reruns of Adventure Time onDemand in a long tank top and no pants on with a bag of leftover Doritos from last nights lonnnnng work shift. My hair looks good though, so there's that.

I do have some things you CAN do though:

- read old Single Lady Wednesdays - they'll make you laugh in your throat. Sometimes I dream that they'll be made into a book like Haiku for the Single Girl. Wouldn't that be cool??
- head on over to a few of my friends blogs -  Kate's daughter just turned one! Katherine shares some wisdom, and I'm loving Sharon's adventures in New York lately
- if you're gonna be lazy... or not be lazy then listen to the Joy the Baker podcast. This last podcast was perfection. Truly.
- and if you REALLY want to be lazy then obviously... Pinterest. Because this watch. That skirt. These popsicles... equals AMAZINGNESS and all because Pinterest EXISTS.
- have you heard of the L.A.T.E. ride in Chicago?! HOW AWESOME DOES THAT SOUND?!!?

I really... REALLY need to get back to my chair in the living room. I'm planning on reading the rest of my magazines today... and finding the leftover Oreos from last night before heading back to work. Ah... this SLW is the stuff dreams are made of!

Happy Wednesday!


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