written on 7/31/2012
This was written right around the time right before I hit a low point and forgotten I'd written this at all. I wrote a draft post that roughly said "I'm sitting here in tears. I hate the way I look. I'm lost at my job. I've lost God. I'm not good enough." A speaker came to my church and spoke about the simplicity of God's love and really... something unlocked that day. I couldn't see it then, just how AMAZING God is and how He works, but this post was written after this speaker spoke. This really isn't me trying to force my beliefs down your throat this is just a reminder of how good God is to me. I need this reminder when I'm at my lowest, which is RIGHT NOW.
My entire life I've wanted to be loved and to belong. I wanted to feel that completeness that comes with an enveloping kind of love. I like hugs, I like kissing, I communicate best through touch. I am forever jealous of married couples and people with boyfriends thinking I'm missing out on love that I don't understand and will never have.
I have always felt that I'm bad at relationships. With guys I focus on the physical part of love thinking that is what love is but coming up empty... but doing it anyway. With female friends I over do the emotional side of things, investing too much to where the relationship becomes one sided and I burn out quickly after realizing they were terrible people to become friends with in the FIRST place. I end up cutting off relationships I never should have started. It's a lot of wasted time.
In the last few years or so I've begun to think that I wasn't enough for God. I felt like I was seeking him out and seeking him out and coming up empty so I stopped trying. Obviously I wasn't good enough for God anymore, whatever I had done wasn't enough. Or maybe I just never actually found God in the first place... I hadn't really known Him so what was the point of seeking someone I didn't really know.
This is a lie. A huge lie. It took me a long time to figure that out.
I mention this phantom dude all the time like he's the true stigma of my life but he isn't. He is definitely a part of why I have felt ashamed and what seemed to clinch my distance from God. There was NO WAY I could ever be enough for God to love me. I claimed to not even know what love was... or how God could love me so... all encompassing. That couldn't be real. All the while I would push feelings away because it was stupid to feel things. I'm so awesome at this. When I thought about saying sorry all I thought about was getting all emotional and saying "I'M SO SORRAAAYYYYYY" and that made me not even want to say anything.
Sitting at church tonight, listening to speaker Jeremy Pearsons, he broke things down in such a simple way, which apparently... is the only way my brain responds to. 1 plus 1. He said true repentance doesn't have to be snotting up the front alter of your church, swimming in a baptism pool full of your own tears. Repentance is replacing your thinking with God's. It's when you stop relying on YOU to get things done and putting all the pressure on YOU to do it when... there's freedom when you trust in God.
The most SIMPLE thing he said but the most freeing was that God loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME. I am loved. Inside and out up and down and when I suck and when I feel ashamed God loves me. All day long. When I'm sleep and when I'm awake and when I'm not acknowledging his presence He loves me. I get to be rooted in it. It's the type of root that connects me to God and unlocks his presence and his promises for me. It also frees me from the pressure of... trying to lose weight alone. Getting ahead in my job alone. Getting a husband. Having a family. Securing a future. These are not things I have to worry about! Because of His love I am made into His righteousness and THAT'S ALL I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT!
HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS BEFORE?! Even if I lose sight of Him I can think over and over in my brain "He loves me! He loves me! My Father loves me." It's a flower with limitless petals that all say "He loves me."