Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Smoking is bad for you okay?

I was laying... lying... um... in bed last night just thinking... mostly about how I couldn't fall asleep and how my room is an icebox but i started thinking about this guy i used to like. He was just... a nice guy not particularly good looking (honestly) but just... really NICE. and i fell. hard. and it was a spiral. It was bad... I swear if I could have qualified for the show "Intervention" I would have been the main candidate up for nomination among my friends. Eventually things happened they were minor in the large scale but major enough for ME to pretty much spiral out of control. So I did... MAJORLY but inwardly I figured no one wanted to hear about it so I never said anything about what actually happened, which is really what did me in.

It took me about 3 years to move past everything and I was talking to him one day and I realized, "Oh my gosh he's top 3 in the world's dumbest people... I'M AN IDIOT!" haha He was going absolutely no where with his life... he dated girls long term then dumped them as soon as something happened (usually a change of address which happened often for him) and he dropped out of college and SUCKED absolutely sucked at life in general. And still I clung to this guy like a leech! A HUNGRY leech.

That is when I finally woke up, like a hammer to the head dropped by God Himself, and asked myself how much I enjoyed being wanted, loved (i thought), thought about? The answer was a lot. Then I asked myself how much I actually liked the guy I fell for. Yeah that answer was a lot less than the one above. How did I not get that before? 3.7 GPA gets you nowhere in the world haha

I know so many people who fall in love with the feeling of belonging somewhere finally finding that person that makes them feel like themself then spend the rest of the relationship either fighting, trying to change the other person or seriously fooling themselves into thinking they belong together when everyone else is telling you with giant sized signs "RUN THE HECK AWAY!!!" *insert Finding Nemo quote here*

Why fool yourself for the rest of your life? I mean I was well on my way to Fool Town population - well actually the population is massive but thats not the point - until I made it a priority to make GOD my satifaction. The Bible says that God is your husband and a guy is not supposed to fulfill me. If I expect a guy to fill me I'll always be looking for SOMETHING for that special feeling that will come and go and come and go for the rest of my life all the while collecting more baggage. I'll end up ruining relationships with the baggage I expect this guy (who's not Jesus) to just accept and deal with. That's not fair to you OR the guy. No one ends up happy.

I'm not saying there aren't days when I feel lonely but I have to remind myself that I find my full satisfaction in God and everyone else comes after. I swear you feel much better when you let God in... He is your center and you revolve around him. He's the sun... you're Mars... sometimes you're Pluto... frozen, small and later you won't be a named an actual planet ;0)

In the end it's a pride issue as almost all sin is... trust God! That is what is ultimately boils down to. Trust God okay?!

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