Lookin' for Love

written on 7/31/2012

This was written right around the time right before I hit a low point and forgotten I'd written this at all. I wrote a draft post that roughly said "I'm sitting here in tears. I hate the way I look. I'm lost at my job. I've lost God. I'm not good enough." A speaker came to my church and spoke about the simplicity of God's love and really... something unlocked that day. I couldn't see it then, just how AMAZING God is and how He works, but this post was written after this speaker spoke. This really isn't me trying to force my beliefs down your throat this is just a reminder of how good God is to me. I need this reminder when I'm at my lowest, which is RIGHT NOW. 

My entire life I've wanted to be loved and to belong. I wanted to feel that completeness that comes with an enveloping kind of love. I like hugs, I like kissing, I communicate best through touch. I am forever jealous of married couples and people with boyfriends thinking I'm missing out on love that I don't understand and will never have.

I have always felt that I'm bad at relationships. With guys I focus on the physical part of love thinking that is what love is but coming up empty... but doing it anyway. With female friends I over do the emotional side of things, investing too much to where the relationship becomes one sided and I burn out quickly after realizing they were terrible people to become friends with in the FIRST place. I end up cutting off relationships I never should have started. It's a lot of wasted time.

In the last few years or so I've begun to think that I wasn't enough for God. I felt like I was seeking him out and seeking him out and coming up empty so I stopped trying. Obviously I wasn't good enough for God anymore, whatever I had done wasn't enough. Or maybe I just never actually found God in the first place... I hadn't really known Him so what was the point of seeking someone I didn't really know.

This is a lie. A huge lie. It took me a long time to figure that out.

I mention this phantom dude all the time like he's the true stigma of my life but he isn't. He is definitely a part of why I have felt ashamed and what seemed to clinch my distance from God. There was NO WAY I could ever be enough for God to love me. I claimed to not even know what love was... or how God could love me so... all encompassing. That couldn't be real. All the while I would push feelings away because it was stupid to feel things. I'm so awesome at this. When I thought about saying sorry all I thought about was getting all emotional and saying "I'M SO SORRAAAYYYYYY" and that made me not even want to say anything.

Sitting at church tonight, listening to speaker Jeremy Pearsons, he broke things down in such a simple way, which apparently... is the only way my brain responds to. 1 plus 1. He said true repentance doesn't have to be snotting up the front alter of your church, swimming in a baptism pool full of your own tears. Repentance is replacing your thinking with God's. It's when you stop relying on YOU to get things done and putting all the pressure on YOU to do it when... there's freedom when you trust in God.

The most SIMPLE thing he said but the most freeing was that God loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME. I am loved. Inside and out up and down and when I suck and when I feel ashamed God loves me. All day long. When I'm sleep and when I'm awake and when I'm not acknowledging his presence He loves me. I get to be rooted in it. It's the type of root that connects me to God and unlocks his presence and his promises for me. It also frees me from the pressure of... trying to lose weight alone. Getting ahead in my job alone. Getting a husband. Having a family. Securing a future. These are not things I have to worry about! Because of His love I am made into His righteousness and THAT'S ALL I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT!

HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS BEFORE?! Even if I lose sight of Him I can think over and over in my brain "He loves me! He loves me! My Father loves me." It's a flower with limitless petals that all say "He loves me."

hello world, this is me.

Yeah I did just break my 2 month blogging hiatus with a millennium hit but don't judge.

I feel like I owe an explanation. (read: rambling for a while)

I don't really owe anyone anything I can do what I want, but for as long as I've been mentally writing this very post in my head I actually want to GIVE an explanation now.

My blog isn't popular by any stretch of the imagination. For the 20 or so people this reaches I really enjoy writing random stuff about being single, about every life stuff, about God, about anything at all but for the past 2 months I didn't feel like doing anything. I could totally say that I'm coming out of a rough patch and I'm finally seeing the sunshine again but that is... a load of "blog speak."

Real life? Being single SUUUUCKS.

I've gone from totally "adventuring" it up to really not enjoying it at all. It's very stressful and lonely and definitely hard to relate to your friends who no longer have time for petty things like... whining. I mean there was a stretch of time where all I did was cry about random things. No joke! Tears. Every day for like 2 weeks. I couldn't control it. It was NUTS.

In the stretch of time (definitely after the crying) I've been doing a few things.
1) I joined the choir at church. This seems like a small thing but it is HUGE for me. I don't want to be SEEN at church - so much so that people think I actively hate them at church. How... HOW?! That still boggles my brain but I joined the choir anyway and I FREAKING LOVE IT. I'm not sure how I had it figured in my head but I thought everyone was going to be really mean. But they aren't! It turns out I'm ridiculous almost all of the time when I "figure things out in my head." I really love singing, but it's more than that I love WORSHIPPING God. If singing creates an emotional connection try adding God into the mix. It's like... a whole different level that makes me want to burst into tears every time I sing.

2) I got a baking apprenticeship. The details are very fuzzy and I'm still kind of scared to dive in, but it is there... waiting for me to learn about baking in an ACTUAL kitchen of an ACTUAL business.

3) I've been losing weight. I don't enjoy talking about weight because it kills my self discipline but I can't be stopped. No I CAN be stopped by Mexican Coke and Peanut Butter M&M's and laziness? But I write off the day and continue on to the next and so far I've lost about 30 pounds. That is more I've ever consecutively lost in my LIFE. It scares me a lot, and I have a long, long way to go, but it helps to have a friend who helps/yells/encourages you every step of the way. I wouldn't have gotten here without Maranda - real talk. But! I've finally realized I wouldn't have gotten here without MYSELF either.

So that's me right now. I think I'm going to stop SLW's for the time being. Maybe I'll change it to Single Lady Lives or something... I dunno. I'm not thinking about it too hard. It's interesting that at 27 I'm still figuring out how to be a normal person. Life's weird.

SLW

Today was an oddly perfect day. Did you SEE outside today? It was like textbook "perfect weather" day in my book. Wispy clouds backed by a bright blue sky and a gentle breeze. It was something out of a novel... young adult fiction to be exact because that is what I'm currently obsessed with reading. Don't judge too hard - also blame John Green.

It turned out to be a Single Lady Wednesday where I actually got to hang out with a SINGLE LADY on a WEDNESDAY. Whaaaaaat?! My friend Maggie came down to visit for the day and (because I'm weird) I was very nervous/excited. There might have been pizza involved, orangey-pink colored drinks and... cookies and ice cream involved. I mean if we started braiding each other's hair and broke out the nail polish it would be all over.

It was a much needed good Wednesday.

SLW: a good read

I found writer, Cody Gohl, on Thought Catalog and he may be the only writer I don't hate on that website now. Well he's single... and wrote a great piece about being single that encouraged me a lot, especially since my outlook on life has been EXTRA bleak lately. We're not gonna get into that, though I do have a few drafts of blog posts that are pretty much just sobbing, written out.

Read on.

The Single Person's Manifesto

I am single. I am single and happy. Even more than happy, I am single and happy and enthusiastic and excited about each day. And if I am not any of these things, it is not because I long for a romantic or sexual partner, or because I wish to shed this singleness from my skin. 

To be quite honest, I like my singleness. It’s freeing. It’s wild dancing and reading late into the night and learning the types of small confidences no one ever teaches you: eating alone at a café, going to see a movie by yourself, sinking peacefully into silence. It empowers me: to rediscover old quirks past flames told me were annoying, to treat my mind and my body like the revelations they are. For the first time in my life, I’m falling in love with myself and it’s exhilarating. When I write, it is for me. When I comb my hair or buy new clothes or press flowers for bookmarks, it is for me and for me alone. Out of love for myself, out of a deep celebration of who I am. 

Because it has always been easier for me to fall in love with others than it has been for me to fall in love with myself. I’ve been a fool for poetry and promises of any fractured nature. I believed my eyes and laugh were beautiful because someone who wanted to kiss me told me that they were. I could dream any sorry person into a fantasy simply by believing that it was my duty as a lover or a soulmate to push them along on their journey to becoming better and more loving people. 

But I am sick of convenience. The handsome man at the bar who buys me a drink does not deserve any part of me simply for his being handsome or for me being drunk or for him having bought my attention with a strong glass of gin because we are the only two mildly attractive people in the joint. I’m tired of justifying my way into situations that leave me tangled and broken come dawn. 

I am single because it is important for me to be single so that I might learn how to unearth joy from nothing more than an empty room and my own being. If I cannot find happiness or fulfillment within myself, there is no amount of sex or free dinner or flower bouquets that can do it for me.

I am single because I refuse to put my emotional stability into the hands of another person because my heart is not a light switch someone else gets to turn on or off based on whether or not they think I look like someone they’d want to sleep with.

I belong to no one and no one belongs to me and this is exactly what I need right now. So no, please don’t set me up with your cute and irresistible friend. Do not tell me that things will be better once I find someone, that all I need is a man in my life to turn things around. I am joyously and wonderfully and soaringly fine all on my own.

I am single and wouldn’t have it any other way.

- Cody Gohl - find him on tumblr - you'll read all night guaranteed

SLW: someone mentioned you on the internet...

And I got sweaty. Even my hands started to sweat. I twitched, I sniffed, I scratched my neck. Then I scratched my head. My eyes shift left to right and right to left as I scrolled, possessed, reading the mention over and over - clicking away, coming back like a shameful dog and reading it again.

Then I got mad. I got incensed. I got outraged. I cursed your name. I texted my friend. She sided with me.

My heart beat fast like I just ran somewhere. My breath came in thin rasps. My vision wouldn't focus.

I'm perfect without you I just can't stand anything WITH you.

Am I over you? Is the question I skirt around as I drum up every instance of your stupidity. Your immaturity. Your inability to not be a self centered person.

Am I over you? looms on the edge of my periphery. When I look straight at it, it disappears, but it's always pressing, creeping closer, looming larger.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this forever ago, when this actually happened. I get weirded out sharing half thoughts... quick blurbs of thought cuz they're not finished and polished and don't have a resolved ending that sounds a bit like 'it'll all work out in the end' or '...and then I saw a cloud shaped like a heart and now things are better.' I can't say this is 'raw' writing it's just... unfinished. That's cool right?

I plan on... grossly over eating tomorrow. *nods* yep. Happy 4th to you!

Come find me!

First of all let's have a moment of silence for Google Reader's passing - one of many dumb decisions Google has made including the birthing of Google + and Google Glass making everyone look like a tool.

I'll watch the time...

*exhales* Secondly there is good news! You can find me on Feedly, Reeder (which is a free download for iOS and Mac right now!) and Bloglovin' if you dare to keep up with this girl. And by keep up I mean navigating all of my daily emotions. It's a good time right? It's tiring a little bit. We can be real with each other.

By the way... because you totally wanted to know... I'm in the middle of writing letters for apprenticeship request for a few bakeries and my fingers absolutely will not type. I'm here... typing away but as soon as I know something is important I shut down. So I am trying to NOT sound like a 4 year old writing this letter in crayon but it is very difficult. Pray for me.

See you on the other side of Google Reader! and hopefully be back with a few new SLW's soon!

not fatherless - a response to Father's Day in general

Sometimes I really hate Father's Day. Or maybe I just hate the combination of Father's Day and Facebook. Dad's who don't have a Facebook page get lots of love and adoration and praise for being the BEST father and giving the BEST advice when in reality I bet your dad is pretty okay. Okay granted there are some dads out there who are kind of super heroes but it's like GEEZE. ALL of your dads are flawless?? Ha. I'm bitter a bit.

Maybe I'm bitter cuz I wanted to write a post that said, "Well my dad skipped out on my family and left us in a state that took us 12 years to START to recover from. It's been pretty great. We can't go on vacations because there's never enough money, but you have fun in Jamaica with your new wife, Dad. No seriously, bottom of my heart, I mean it." But  you can't do that... well you can but then the little judgements start to roll in. But what I said up there is the truth. My dad chose to leave our family and take shelter with a different one and live his life when I was 13. And this is the story of a lot of the women in my family, unfortunately.

I also wanted to write that I have found men that have taken his place and shown me what it means to be a real man and I have in a way. I found Mr. Eadie, who passed away, who showed me consistency and stability and a rock solid kind of love. I found Mr. Woods (my niece and nephew's grandfather) who showed kindness and protectiveness over a family he's not actually related to. I found Mr. Dickson who just hugged me when I needed it most, which is HUGE, and gave me fatherly, Godly advice when he had no idea he was doing so. If I look hard enough there are a lot of fathers that have made a little room for me in their life and I'm truly grateful.

Being on Facebook on Father's Day kind of renewed the stigma (in my mind) that being a kid of divorce, or a kid of a single mom is a bad thing. It isn't! It makes you resilient to life and while you don't have a constant male figure in your life it doesn't mean you don't know what a good one looks like. You're able to be perceptive to what a man of standard is and what a broke ass, broke down man is. It doesn't mean you're less loved by any stretch, nor does it mean the father that left doesn't love you. I know my dad loves me - he's an idiot and I would relish the chance to punch him ONE GOOD TIME - but he loves me. And I have a Heavenly one who takes care of me at all cost, so much more than I realize.

Never assume you're not loved is what I'm saying. To the kids without dads, you're loved beyond imagine. We're not damaged, we're not BROKEN, we're simply loved.

SLW: nothing compares

- Theodore Roosevelt

Can I just say that I totally saw this quote on Swiss-Miss and jumped on that bandwagon before EVERY other blogger decided to love/blog about this quote? I'm just sayin. Pfft. Bloggers... am I right?

I fell in to a hole the other day. That hole's name is Facebook Stalking. It always starts so harmlessly. You're aimless, mindlessly browsing the FB's and you come across a picture. It's usually not even someone you really KNOW it's a friend of a friend of a FRIEND's picture and then the darkness hits you. That picture led to her profile. Which led to her HUSBAND'S profile. Which led to all of the tears and sudden irrational blame that she stole the life I should have had. Totally harmless.

The reality of her situation is she works for the THE graphic design firm in the country. Like... THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS at all. She found... captured... romantically fell in love with a guy - obviously now her husband - who not only wears glasses, newsboy caps AND PLAID simultaneously but appropriately! (We went to high school together - she was two years my junior)

Then I proceeded to have an adult temper tantrum, which is more or less stacking up offenses against yourself about what you could and could have done, did and didn't do, all while laying in the  middle of the floor with my eyes closed, breathing loudly. It's a place you enter but never really leave...

Eventually I did drag myself up... and into my bed. 

I can't change nor apologize for the life I've chosen to lead. I should celebrate my steps forward not question EVERY LITTLE THING. It's like seeing a pothole in the middle of the road and speeding up to make SURE you hit it. It shouldn't matter what my life is... even if it's truly terrible (which it isn't) I should never compare it to someone else's life. I'm basically asking for a mental breakdown. Also I should just REALLY stay off Facebook. Forever. 

HAPPY WEDNESDAY

p.s. I was totally feeling Sinead O'Connor-y when I wrote this blog title. Just go with it. 

Never Coast: an slw story

I'm not really a fan of talking about being healthy or diets or weight loss because, frankly EVERYONE is talking about it right now.  At work, where everyone SMOKES, it seems like everyone is on a diet. We're immersed in technology we have access to all these 'health' resources and I swear every other word out of our mouths is something about health. If you are eating wrong we side eye you but we don't say anything. If you bring a salad we side eye you but we don't say anything. You've just given into peer pressure to be healthy. It's really a losing battle on both sides. So I shut my mouth and do my thing and gently back away when people try to TELL ME THEIR WEIGHT like I actually wanna know. I'm really glad that everyone is getting on board and focusing on their health I just wish it wasn't the only thing everyone talked about.

But this story needs a telling.

I made a decision to try a spinning class in the heart of the city with a bunch of skinny people on purpose. The place is called Flywheel and it's in the Gold Coast and all it is... is spinning. There's a STADIUM (take that term loosely) full of bikes and a skinny/buff person sits at the center and yells at you.

My thought? Oh! It's biking! I like biking. This should be fun! First class is freeee!!!

Reality: It's a class designed to make sure you don't ever have children. The bike? Is like sitting on a knife. Or... if you enjoyed having someone punch you in the taint continually then like... yeah you'd like spinning.
Quick summary? Biking + elliptical + genital punching + skinny people yelling at you = spinning.

Thoughts during:
I can actually hear my bajingo screaming. It's screaming...

Ugh this class is for white people. *looks over and sees black people* Whatever, this class is for skinny people. *looks over and sees a PREGNANT WOMAN* OMG WHAT IS THIS PLACE?!?

*as they lock your shoes onto the bike* ......I may die in here...

I didn't survive the entire class, which was an hour. I just... my bajingo went numb! That seems like a thing that should conCERN me and it did. So I left the room. The wonderful thing is that in the midst of watching 30 women with no butts ride a spin bike, everyone was REALLY nice. Like they understood the pain you underwent and offered you fruit and water and a COUCH to... rest your genitals.

I've decided to make that class my Everest. I'm not saying my goal is to be a white girl with no butt? Because... one does not simply LOSE the butt she was born with - I DO want to build up an endurance and make it through a class. All those skinny ladies came out of that class COMPLETELY SOAKED. Biggest Loser competitors barely make it through that class so I think this is a good goal.

I will conquer this class! And maybe sneak a pillow in there for my middle parts.

SLW: why Scandal is totally ruining single lady's lives.

Yeah... I'm about to do a blog post on the tv show Scandal so I mean... either prepare yourself or get out now cuz it's about to go down.

A brief synopsis: Olivia Pope is a high profile lawyer in D.C. dubbed a 'fixer' for political scandals that don't want to be leaked to the media and the police. Herself being the ultimate scandal of SLEEPING WITH THE PRESIDENT on the regular and the President being in love with her. Chaos ensues, people totally die, there are actual spies, and everyone is well dressed. It's too much to handle.

I kinda jumped on the train and then made the train go at full speed. I am full on obsessed with this show and that's a bad. bad. bad thing. I know these characters are fictional and all the events are fictional but it's skewing how I view EVERYTHING!

As a single woman, though eventually I want the kids, husband, house, and security of a future life deep down I think every woman wants that knock down, drag out, passionate love of fictional stories. Love that breaks barriers and tears down walls. Love that doesn't even start correctly, infidelity love - love against all odds, unrequited and angry. That's why people are so obsessed with this show because she is NOT his wife but they're MEANT to be together and people root for the girl on the side with gusto. Their story is something of legend and every woman craves a legendary kind of love. It's like a twisted Princess Bride.

Yeah... I want a legendary love that makes my stomach clench like I'm on a roller coaster but that's not how love is supposed to be. It's not supposed to wreck and ruin my life it's supposed to make me bloom. I refrain from bringing my faith into my posts but there is already a reckless love that I own. A revolutionary love that someone died to give me. Love with no strings attached, I only need to reach out and accept it. THAT love... His love... is my legendary love.

That is the kind of love I need to be obsessing over.

SLW power songs

Every woman needs a song that will make her want to dance/punch things/run a million miles all at the same time. 99% of those songs, for me, are Beyoncé. Um... because Beyoncé. But I wanted to share some of my personal Single Lady Pump Up the Jam's with you. Who can resist a good jam?

Beyoncé - Grown Woman - not yet released but this video gets me through... as I watch it daily.

They like the way I walk

Cuz I walk with a vengance

And they listen to me when I talk

Cuz I ain't pretendin'

I'm a grown woman! 

I can do WHATEVUH I WANT

Avicii - Silhouettes - ULTIMATE POWER SOOOONG. Also it makes me wanna twerk just a bit.

We've come a long way since that day

And we will never look back at the faded silhouettes

Straight ahead on the path we have before us

Day by day we know a change will come

Don't you know we took a big step forward?

30 Seconds to Mars - Kings & Queens - this makes me wanna throw my hands in the air and YELL for a good 20 seconds. It reminds me a lot of MuteMath who I also love.

We were the kings and queens of promise

Estelle - Freak - for the times you just need to let it OUT. And sometimes you do.

I can be a freak, every day of every week. 

Midnight City - M83 - this is just one of those songs that makes me want to run... while simultaneously sobbing. It's just so good... it hasn't gotten old. I think it's the saxophone at the end of it. 

The city is my church

It wraps me in sparkling twilight

Here's this for good measure. And this. 

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

on my birthday

Today is my birthday and for the first time in my life I'm working on it cuz I forgot to ask off. It's been a pretty good day so far! The sun is brilliant and it's 90 degrees out, it decided summer was TODAY and I am accepting that! It's nice getting well wishes at work it's like having a hundred family members tell you happy birthday. I'm really in it for the hugs. Let's be real.

I'm 27. What IS that!? It's so... it's so WEIRD. It's a non-age to me. Not almost 30... DEFINITELY past 25... just... in the middle. bein' floaty and weird. I'm not so much panicking about my age but more about the things I'd like to DO. Actually, I do freak out about  my age every year at about 11:34 the night before and usually impulse buy some things. Last night I applied for a passport. What if I want to have mussels and fries in Monaco or find tickets on Kayak for a deal I just can't pass up and I need to go to Australia to replenish/fuel my Cherry Ripe obsession?! *sigh* These are things I think about.

Every year I think I psych myself up that THIS YEAR is gonna be the YEAR and... I wait for the YEAR to do something awesome to ME not the other way around. I started out today with maybe the best workout ever as a standard for how I want things to be now. No more talking. Much more doing. So I apologize if I don't say as much about things I'm doing it's cuz I want to DO them and not just spout off stuff that sits dormant. I'm pretty annoyed with myself about that. I keep talking about it.

I'm kinda apprehensive about this year, this age. I have no idea what's around the bend for me but I'm ready for it. Ready to carve out a niche for myself in this world, finally. I'm excited for more adventures to share with you all. More Bake Days with good friends. Ready for more Single Lady Wednesdays. And just maybeee I'm ready for a relationship... Doesn't mean it'll happen but I think I'm becoming more ready for that.

BUT. I WILL tell you my birthday gift. A CUISINART ICE CREAM MAKER. ICE CREAM ALL THE THINGS. Here's to many ice cream recipes with bacon. Maybe the next bake day could be a homemade ice cream social in the summer... eh?? Rieeeeeeght?!?

Tomorrow is my annual birthday pilgrimage downtown to get a sundress from Forever 21 (don't judge the downtown one has an awesome section for girls like me), a birthday drink from Argo Tea, and LUSH STUUUUUFF. And maybe a slice of Icebox Cake from Magnolia Bakery. Okay DEFINITELY a slice of Icebox Cake from Magnolia Bakery.

Thank you, again, for all the well wishes today. You guys are kinnnnd of my favorite people on the planet. 

ventures

I downloaded the Air BnB app recently and it was a mistake. I stumbled upon this tiny little tree house in Vermont in the picture above gave me the travel bug. It's a TREE HOUSE. that you can STAY IN. with a BED. and they serve you BREAKFAST. I about died.

That led me to the realization that I need to take a vacation. I never go anywhere... The whole work/life balance is more or less work/work/work/imminent death alone. I'm always baffled when people are like 'yeah I'll see you guys in a week! Headed to Florida/California/TREEHOUSE IN THE WOODS' and I'm like 'WHUT NOW!?' My family has never made time for a work/life balance cuz it made no sense and money wasn't ever there. It's not normal for me to take time off for ME. It took me figuring out I have 2 weeks of vacation time stored up cuz I NEVER TAKE A DAY OFF and it woke me up a little bit.

I just kinda want to get away and do stuff I wanna do. Then come back. Like visit Portland to visit the original Stumptown Coffee and eat lavender ice cream and maybe find Abi Porter so we can be best friends and basically be the MOST hipster I can be for a week without judgement. I want to vacation with friends but that is too hard to orchestrate - by the time it's planned out I'll have 80 more hours of vacation time stored up so I was thinking about doing a solo trip.

But really... is this a good idea? Is vacationing alone a sham? Has anyone ever vacationed alone? Is it a bad idea for a person like me? (me meaning... semi introverted)

THOUGHTS!

p.s. - yes. this post is tagged 'quarter life crisis' real life.
p.p.s. - I'm listening to so much Beyoncé right now. So. Much.

catching up again

It always seems that this blog has a lull and I have to update you on my life for the past few months and I apologize about that. I'm still in the process of unpacking things here at the new place and while my mom is forcing herself to do a box a day I am... not forcing myself to do... much at all. Subsequently there are a lot of boxes in my room staring at me ominously from the corner. They whisper terrible things at night about organization.

Some cool single lady things have happened. I am a lady that gets her nails done on the regular (always referencing Missy Elliot) and I go to the gym! What now?! Remember that one time I was all like DOWN WITH GYMS and then I figured out that was just my early onset terminal laziness taking over my life. I won't really be talking about that all that much since I also happen to be... all talk. If you didn't know that well at least now you know. I'm notorious for saying all the things I'm gonna do, wanna do, need to do, and then sitting on my butt and watch opportunities pass.

What is that?! Oh. That's my early onset terminal laziness. It should really be a clinical disease.

So much is around the corner! My birthday (which I'm really thinking about just NOT having and seeing what happens there...) and a few friends who are with child are delivering THIS MONTH. May really is the best month ever.

With the sunny days should come more posts hopefully. I just haven't felt like writing and/or the writing I do put out was really biting and passive aggressive. No idea where it came from but at least I had enough sense to not publish the stuff.

In the mean time, I overload people's life on Twitter and Instagram so pop on over there, abbyblujay is the name on both (duh).

Happy 80 degree day!

WE HAVE INTERNET

AND THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER

who would have ever thought that a simple thing like getting the wireless back on being a pivotal part in adjusting to a new home but for a girl like me IT IS. IT SO IS. 

CUE THE SOCIAL MEDIA BATHROOM BREAKS

SLW

Hey guys, I'm TOTALLY alive I just moved recently across town. This move super SUCKED and we definitely don't have wifi yet. You don't realize how much you depend on wifi until it's NOT there. Pretty sure I'm over my data limit for the month already. Womp. It makes going to the bathroom so boring when you can't surf the web. Real life.

As soon as I'm back online again SLW will be in full swing again. I have some things in the archive but they're kind of melancholy... There's a time and place for that and it's not now. Not now but soon.

In the meantime you can find me on Instagram and Twitter... but don't find me on Facebook. Never. ever. find me on Facebook. And while you're at it visit a few of my friends too. Kate and Katherine are very welcoming.

Enjoy this grey, rainy day with many cups of tea and chick flicks.

Happy Wednesday! 

SLW: laundry day

Apartment living means laundry is shared with strangers. It's usually the only interaction I have with other tenants in the building and I've been living here for 12 years.

Honestly when I do my laundry I forget to take off the clothes I'm wearing and usually end up doing a hot strip in the public laundry area with my butt up against the door just in case a tenant walks in to do their laundry... clothed. Like normal people are clothed.

While in the process of moving, I ran out of underwear because... of course I have. I ran down to put a load in the washer and found myself filling a washer full of someone else's clothes. Turned on the machine and filled it up... OPENED IT and it was... already filled with already washed clothes. Sooo I took them out and attempted to wring them out before semi-folding them. I try to be nice when moving clothes out of the washer/dryer. It's a sensitive issue. Plus I just rewet them. There's that.

Naturally as I'm moving the clothes and folding them... and wringing them out the DUDE (the GUY!) whose laundry this belongs to walks in mid fold.

How things went down...

Me: AH I WAS JUST HAHAHAHAHA TRYING TO HAHA FOLDHAHAHA YOUR CLOTHES CUZ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *as I go away from his clothes I realized a fake nail has come off and is currently residing on top of his shirts*

Dude: mmmm... no it's okay. *wary face*

Me: *hops back to my washer filling to put my clothes in - realizes 90% of the load is UNDERWEAR AND BRAS - I threw away the fake nail discreetly*

Dude: how was your day?

Me: LONG. *cue Debbie Downer trombone* you?

Dude: me too... I work part time as a fireman over in Glenwood and I have a day job - I actually work tonight so... buh.

Me: oh man... *he's a FIREFIGHTER?!?! THAT KNOWS HOW TO SEPARATE DARKS FROM LIGHTS AND WASHES HIS JEANS SEPARATELYYYYYY!!* 

Dude: yeah... *continues to fill*

Me: *continues to fill... as my bras keep getting STUCK on my laundry basket and all the weirdest underwear days float to the top CONTINUALLY - how are there so many underwear? I must own a thousand days of underwear!*

The guy keeps shooting me weird looks and I just go on about my business until I REMEMBER that I'm not wearing a bra as I decided to wash it. I nod... thinking this is good as my boobs are akimbo. This is normal for me. Find out a hot firefighter dude lives in my building. He understands the special, intricate art of laundry washing. He probably even understands the symbols on the tags. He owns maybe the cutest dog on the planet. This makes sense for me to be bra-less, washing every dirty unmentionable in the world.

C'est la vie.

...and happy Wednesday

SLW: a day in my life

There was one time where I had a crush on 1 boy for my entire life. It was kind of like... violent unrequited love but not really. I would just become nauseous to the point of throwing up whenever in his presence, my knees would get weak, my mouth would dry up, I always had the strangest urge to scream-cry, and basic human functions like breathing became super. difficult. I've liked him since we were 8 and I couldn't make it go away if I TRIED. I'd tell myself he was disgusting and a jerk and an idiot and would be JUST FINE when he wasn't in sight but as soon as he did... you just handed a recovering crack addict a GIANT BAG OF CRACK basically...

Well he's married now - like a second ago this happened. Because of course he is. Perfect specimens of dude always find perfect specimens of girl. And dreams always die. I always exaggerate did you know that? Me and the hyperbole are so tight. 

It just so happens that his mom and my mom are good friends and she visited her the other day... and found out about this blessed union in person. My mother was very happy as she should be... I mean our families grew up together basically. Hence my life long crush. If I had bangs I would blow them out of my eyes in frustration. 

My mom then proceeds to TELL him that I've liked him since I was 8 and that I'll be heartbroken and he's crushed my dreams. Oh... this was a great idea. He's married now! There's no reason why he should know! It ALL MAKES SENSE RIGHT?!... according to my mom. 

*sits down on the ground* this is my life. as a 26 year old lady girl. I say I've accepted it but I haven't - things are ridiculous in my single lady life. The LACK of action is what makes it so. 

I wouldn't have it any other way.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY

p.s. how many times have you listened to JT's new album? 5 listenings in a row is my tops at the moment. I'm addicted to "Don't Hold the Wall" and "That Girl" - beats and harmonies get meeee... 
p.p.s. - HAPPY 400TH POST!

HAPPY SLW-VERSARY!

Well guys, you've been with me a year on this crazy journey called Single Lady Wednesday. Some weeks really sucked, and some were prettyyyyy cool. We even had a few guests! Looking at the past year of posts made me laugh and even tear up a bit when I think about all the cool adventures, guest posts and discoveries made. It's been an interesting ride to say the least.

I figured out why I was so kindred to Wednesdays. I know Kate, over at DASJ, loves Wednesdays, too. Significant things seem to happen on Wednesdays. Turns out... my sister was born on a Wednesday and I was born on the EXACT SAME Wednesday 10 years later. It's kinda scary. My niece was also born on a Wednesday too! I think it's just in my blood to love this middle of the road day of the week.

Let's look back shall we?

I figured out being a single lady had a few advantages. Even the married ladies miss single-dom sometimes. You should DEFINITELY know how to put on a successful SLW - it mostly boils down to a lack of pants, really. I tried to lay down some truth for you as well... however unsuccessfully that was but none the leads it was real. (this one is my favorite)

Then there was that time I went to the beach in March in 85 degree weather. That was totally a thing.

...and of course. the post that started it all.

Thanks again for sticking with me through this year of navigating single-hood. Being single is really weird sometimes, but also really awesome. I feel untethered and free floating which can be both exhilarating and scary at the same time. It's really a day by day thing.


p.s. - Also how awesome would it be to get these turned into a book?! I would die. Die!

SLW: Single Lady Thurdsay II

To the Late Bloomers: a letter.

To those who still had teeth falling out in 4th grade, to the ones who could look down at their chest and see straight to the floor & didn't get leg hair til 8th grade, and the very last one in your middle school to get their period? I'm one of you.

For the ones playing with American Girl dolls til 16, the ones without a solidified sense of style til after college, the one who didn't actually understand what a crush was til 24... welcome to my life.

We are the late bloomers. The slow developers. The cautious ones that wait, but had no idea they were doing so. We're comfortable with who we are. Comfortable with wearing hoodies and pajama pants through high school. Comfortable with being really late to the eyebrow waxing train. Comfortable with wearing the same hoodie and scarf day in and day out in college and finding yourself stylish within that boundary.

We're the ones that never pay attention to what dance is coming up or whether or not you're going because... there was a dance last weekend?! The ones who don't realize that boys are cute and you like them until someone points it out to you. And you just finally... FINALLY realized that you ENJOY feeling like a woman and all the spa treatments that are at your very finger tips. What seems to be late in life is normal - maybe discovering you really like to write or bake or design and that one of those might actually be your career finally. It takes a bit to find a niche.

When we do catch on, catch up, arrive, watch out. Nothing can stop a late bloomer. We're wise, having seen the early developers stumble through weird awkward phases, while we carefully side step and walk on. It makes us decisive and confident and comfortable in our own skin. Definitely still movers and shakers - just takes us a bit to warm up to moving mountains.

Introduction to a Monday Morning

Approach it slowly and cautiously, Mondays don't like to be surprised. Wake up and reflect on how Monday's sunlight filters through your curtains. Rise earlier than normal so you can stretch each limb while still in bed, try to wiggle each toe in succession, blink the sleep out of your eyes good and well before resting your feet on the floor. Stand in a hot shower on Monday. Lean your head this way... and then that way letting the hot water coax your muscles awake. Let the room fill with steam, fostering those good shower ideas before you head off to work. 

Monday loves breakfast and a proper start to the week. It wants brain food - warm oatmeal with brown sugar, a bowl of rice and eggs, a pot of brewed coffee and cream. Cereal is for Tuesday, when you're in a rush. Save a quiet moment for Monday morning before you shrug on your coat and out into the world. You'll thank yourself later.

Once you hit the pavement, don't look back. Run headlong into the week armed with renewed energy. Make the rest of the day count, having properly introduced yourself to the beginning of the week. 

growing up

I didn't intend to write this... I thought of going with a funny one today for you guys. Then I got jury duty and my whole day changed. Barf.

We'll start with a tiny bit of history.

I stay pretty surface with almost everyone I know except my family. I've never really known how to navigate emotions and hard conversations with anything but bursting into tears and advanced avoidance skills. I complain a lot about not having friends and that comes from under developed social skills paired with being overly eager in the beginning stages of friendship.

I remember in being 8th grade and sitting with who I thought were my best friends in the world and the teacher asked each of us if our best friends were here. I was the only one who responded yes. The other two responded no pretty quickly. Inwardly I FLIPPED out. How did I know them so little all of a sudden? It was like I was talking to strangers. The friendship never made it to high school. This happened over and over and over again until I realized I could stop talking to people. Oh happy day! When things got a little too real I cut it off expertly. Granted, I hung out with the STUPIDEST people sometimes (probably to not have to delve and find quality people) but when I was done, I was done. They were idiots. I was pretty adamant about telling others about their stupidity.

How incredibly childish of me. Did I mention I was in college when a lot of this happened?? In reality I didn't know how to navigate relationships very well. I didn't realize this until TODAY.

I'm stubborn and opinionated and eager to please and still scared by my own emotions sometimes. Friends that I know are good people are becoming annoying and petty to me because while THEY are evolving and growing I am not. I haven't recognized growth in myself enough to navigate the evolution of relationships. I've never even had a close friend longer than a few years - it's usually after a couple years when the relationship changes and that's when I cut it off. How... have I not seen this?! It took me complaining to a friend to break the news to me that... hey we're growing up and maybe it's time to face the fact that this isn't an area of expertise for you (though I claim it is... WOMP), lay it bare and go from there. Instead of retreating, like I'm currently doing in one friendship, I should probably communicate more.

Pretty sure I thought friendship was sunshine and roses and sharing and secrets and hair braiding and hugs. A friendship IS a relationship - I've been holding the two apart for as long as I can remember. Having real conversations is admitting things aren't 100% rosy and that is a weird thing for me to face.

So I'm gonna try to... be a normal person and communicate even when it's uncomfortable. A lot of my life lessons lately have been surrounding communication and action. It. is. the. pits.

SLW: giving love

This is the first Single Lady Wednesday post where I get actually share my thoughts on single people and Valentine's Day. Oh man... the air is CRACKLING with energy right now, there's too many possibilities. I always have a good rant built up inside of me reserved for the over sharers, the desperate, the PDA-ers... but this month in general has been a contemplative one. I'm forgoing lists for a while as they get too predictable and I want to get back to sharing thoughts with you guys for both randomness and posterity's sake.

How about we do something this Valentine's Day... first let's stop calling it V-Day. *scrunches nose* I just... please stop? There's too many variations on what that could mean besides v... and my brain will immediately travel simultaneously to "vasectomy", "virgin", and "VD day." There. I said it. VD.

Let's also make sure the people in our lives get love. Doesn't matter who it is, if you're with someone or not - if you love someone you should show that you do.

Everyone gets all panty scrunched when Valentine's Day comes around because it's MASSIVELY commercialized into the one day that you get a chance to redeem yourself for being a butt hole the OTHER 364 days. And it is! It's so real. But why not use it to your advantage to show a little EXTRA love on this day.

For the single people you should shower love on your mom. She is AMAZING. And puts up with all your (my) whining and deserves some roses and a massage. Don't wait til May for that! Shower love on your kids with a special treat. Married folks can do the same... there's more than just you 2 in the world on Valentine's Day.

I was prepared to rant - but I did that REAL well last week. There's gotta be a balance. I plan on spending my Valentine's Day working for 13 hours... but I'll be wearing red lipgloss for it. Maybe I'll buy MYSELF some roses.

Happy Valentine's Day my loves!!

and as always,

HAPPY WEDNESDAY

SLW: Things We Can Stop Doing

Inspired by social media and thought catalog. CAN EVERYONE LIKE THIS WEBSITE WITH ME ALREADY?! geeeeze.

1. Degrading ourselves while also fishing for compliments (see: humble brag, which can also die)

No one wants you to see you jokingly say stuff like that. It's not cute... there wasn't ever a time where it WAS cute. Frankly, it's making me hate you. If you can't muster up a genuine like about yourself then for goodness sake KEEP IT OFF THE TWITTERS.

2. Leggings.

Guys it's time. It's been time. They need to be banned and burned in effigy. Somehow it's trickled past normal use to be exclusively used by all of the big girls of the world and ALL of the extremely under aged. I'm thinking about holding a relief concert for it... ya know... to support my fund to RELIEVE THE WORLD OF LEGGINGS. Everyone just thinks they're pants. Everyone is still wrong.

3. Saying things we don't mean

Feel free to stop here and ponder all possible meanings of this. Grab some mid afternoon tea while you ponder this and come back... I've got a couple more.

4. Thinking about YOU.

Listen to me here. You matter, you're not insignificant, you are an integral part of life and I'm so glad you're in it, BUT it's not about you all the time. So stop tweeting about you. And thinking about JUST you. And how all roads and what she said and that one time ALL PERTAINED TO YOU. Maybe, instead, try genuinely listening without adding a story about how that ALSO happened to you one time except it was woooorse? and funnier? It'll suck but be beneficial for your character in the future.

...was that last one too real? Sometime's a girl needs to just SAY some stuff. Don't worry... My love for you is real, too, and I plan on hugging you at the end of this. Let's continue.

5. Vine. I'm really over the Vine app. and for that matter all of Facebook. It just needed to be added for good measure

6. Hollow optimism

You know how things suck sometimes but you don't want to wallow in it so you say, "Yeah, but it'll be okay." or "It'll work out... no yeah it's fine." but even you don't believe the words that just came out of your mouth? Just stop doing that. Take action instead. Open up and tell someone what's going on in your life - I bet they genuinely want to help you. Reintroduce yourself to good music, reacquaint yourself with God and just decide to BE happy instead of saying an empty cliche to get people off your back.

I don't even have a lead out for this one haha... I'm just gonna have to-- *drops the mic, walks out*

SLW: Single Lady Thursday

Yesterday's usual day off found me working til 4 this morning (yipes) so I decided to move SLW to today... to the chagrin of some readers. But I'm here! I had the full intention of adventuring it up downtown to get a few LUSH products that I really can't live without (who thought I would be that girl) and some loose leaf tea from Argo. But it was not to be borne. The credit card machines were down, which meant skipping this train, getting cash, catching the next train and wasting my entire day. The long short of it means I'll be heading to Oakbrook after work. The things I do for LUSH. They keep me smelling like... incense according to my dude coworkers. I'll take it.

It's a 2:30 cups of coffee, cheesecake brownie eating, no pants wearing kind of day today instead of traipsing around my favorite city but I'll take this chance for my body to rest. and a chance to eat too many cheesecake brownies on purpose. It's also my cousins birthday today... he would have been 24. I'm still dealing with the grief daily. I miss you, Kaleb. I'm appreciating the slow down to thank God for my life and miss one that left too soon.

Back to my coffee and cooking shows - it's almost Ina Garten hour. And Ina Garten hour is SACRED and MANDATORY. Just like a Liz Lemon party. Is it bad that I already miss 30Rock?! *moment of silence*

If you were here with me I'd air kiss you on both cheeks and send you off with a brownie but for now I'll just wish you a happy Thursday.

{about} real love...

There is always the expectation that with that perfect person, perfect job, perfect city there is going to be a feeling of completion...

They encourage us to ignore the more beautiful, subtle, continually filling things around us because they don't provide all the excitement and danger that we believe we should be looking for.

-Chelsea Fagan

I really do read too much thought catalog. 

My Single Lady Underwear

I call myself trying to be more adventurous by finally getting rid of my TEN year old underwear and maybe... coming into this century as a grown woman. Maybe they don't come from Target anymore. Maybe they don't say Hanes on them anymore (let's be real they're so dang comfortable, though!)

Lo and behold a sale appeared at a store that wasn't for 98 year olds. Praise be the underwear gods. I ordered (why... why am I admitting all this to you?!) some straight away choosing some good foundation colors, some more risqué ones and waited patiently.

THEY ARRIVED! I tried them on straight away cuz... that's how I am. One pair I don't remember ordering was one called a "full brief."

For those of you that DON'T know, including myself, full brief? Means full on GRANNY PANTIES. At its LOWEST stretch it hit RIGHT below my boobs. Is there a handbook I missed somewhere on how to live life as a normal lady? Cuz I think I skipped over those and picked up the one on how to match your Adventure Time ankle socks to your outfit.

To FULLY illustrate how ridiculous this pair of underwear was let me tell you other... useful uses for these here g.p.'s
- a low cut one piece swimsuit
- cut a hole in the crotch? a stretchy tank top!
- covering the great and noble state of Rhode Island in a rainstorm
- capris!
- a unitard. (mostly just to say the word unitard)
- an asymmetrical skirt
- an ACTUAL chastity belt as these will NEVER garner sexy times of any kind. ever. in this lifetime or the next*

Did I mention they were sparkly? Did I also leave out the part where they were PURPLE?!??

I don't know why I try. I don't. I'll never be that girl that takes on lingerie, or anything ladylike really, with any kind of grace. La Perla? Will never see my face. Ya know what I should have KEPT those underwear. In the summer time I could have worn it as a tank top with a good cardigan.

...and with that I bid you a HAPPY WEDNESDAY 

*I am fully aware that I refer to having sex as "sexy times" - this is just adding to the noise at this point. Adding to the noise that is my life as a single lady.

SLW: live well

Everyone gets stuck somewhere. Stuck in a job they aren't in love with. Stuck in a creative rut. Stuck in Chicago for the whole HOLE of winter. All those things may have been about myself. But after a while it starts to wear on you. My brain can't actually take another "I wish..." or "..but what if?!" I think it's at max capacity and will collapse at any moment.

It's in those moments when I take extra time to pay attention to the little things. I call that living well.

Making tea and losing myself in how comforting it is to watch the cream blend with the tea. Putting a bit of butter on crusty bread and toasting it on the stove instead of shoving wheat bread in a toaster. How my toes wiggle when I rest them on the little ottoman. My relaxed breathing when I come home from a long shift at work to a peaceful, dark home. Soaking, if only for a moment, in the bathtub to soothe my aching muscles. Just... taking an extra tiny moment and thanking God for everything. How often I forget to do that easy little thing.

I'm not a rich single lady. I don't have any extra money at my disposal. I work so I can live well. Finding a bit of comfort in the middle of a hectic day makes me feel like that day meant something more than JUST work.

Eventually I will find a job I love. I'm making my way out of my rut as we speak and guess what... Spring is coming. The beginning of all things new. There is a fresh breeze around the corner, but in the meantime I will be here, doing my best to live well.

Happy Wednesday.

*sorry for this post of like infinite meanings but I started with the intention of writing something completely different. it happens that way sometimes. too much thought catalog. next weeks will be funny : ) promise*

SLW

A fond memory for any kid is waking up on a weekend with sleep still in your eyes, shuffling into the living room, finding a parent there and getting to be gently loved awake by them rubbing your back or hugging you. As an adult doing this is super weird, I would not recommend it, but sometimes you just want to become awake in the most gentle way.

This morning I made myself a latte bowl of coffee, perfect in it's ratio of cream and sweetener and had a few scones with cream cheese. It was my own version of being gently loved awake. I took in the light in my kitchen, stretched heavenward and thanked God for the day off.

Then Sallie Mae slammed into me by taking all my money. Real life. Such is the life of a single lady. Let it be known that if I ever meet anyone that works for Sallie Mae, though they did not contribute to my current debt, I'll have to punch them at least one good time. It's their fault for being associated.

Life's a balance.

Today I am expending energy in the form of clumsy-this-should-be-filmed Zumba in my living room. Then I'm busting out my calligraphy set my sister got me for Christmas because I finally have the time. Later it's off to Trader Joes to buy MORE of their French Market Lime-ade and Pink Lemonade because it is THE TRUTH. I'm also kind of addicted to their cheese section. Actually I can't stay away from ANY cheese section. Please tell me I'm not alone in my romantic love of cheese. Chèvre. Sexy.

Also I'll be jamming to these all day. Enjoy the bit of sunshine we're having in this cold weather. It is most definitely a pick me up for my favorite day of the week.

Happy Wednesday!

Baking Day: Winter

Baking is my favorite thing to do, you know that. I think I have a new favorite though. Baking among friends. There's nothing like it.

The Day 

A simple group text turned into a blogger meet up, which turned into a whole day focused on baking. My dear friends, Kate of Diapers + Skinny Jeans, Katherine of Gathered Heart, and new friend, Catherine Short, one fourth of Grotto Madrid (and connoisseur of Starbucks) got together this past Saturday in my apartment to celebrate all things tasty.

Of course... I have no photos documenting the event. Because of course I don't, but Kate always has her camera on her - a blessing and a curse (mostly cuz I hate getting my picture taken). I was slightly busy doing all the things, but trust me when I say it was one of the most relaxing days I've had in a while. Especially after this week, it was something that was very needed. We sipped on Trader Joe's sparkling lemonades and nibbled pasta salad and just kinda talked about everything.

The Recipes

What is it about baking with friends that brings me such joy? I would make it a career if I could. Kate brought her Hario drip (which I am now obsessed with) and freshly ground beans from Metropolis to compliment our sweet treats.

We started with a request from Catherine to make cheesecakes - obviously a personal favorite of mine - adapted from a Food Network Magazine recipe for *bacon* cheesecake. Pay no attention to the crust and the addition of bacon but the filling recipe is golden. A few additions is about a tablespoon of lemon zest and a splash of bourbon or brandy - depending on what you have/is hiding in your closet. The crust is simply graham crackers, melted butter, a little sugar and vanilla extract. Bake the crusts a little before you fill them. Also... it's time to get familiar with the bain-marie or a hot water bath. It's not as scary as you think! But it's very vital. Trust me. Your value of life will improve.

After a successful cheesecake endeavor we moved on to our adventure recipe - Dorie Greenspan's Whole Lemon Tart. This was a blind test of character for me to not have tested a recipe before trying it out but I felt it was sound. I mean Dorie Greenspan? Really? Isn't disputing her wisdom a federal crime in Iceland and northern Canadian provinces? The good thing is it turned out well! Really well. I'm going to refer you to Deb at Smitten Kitchen for her adaptation because I would appreciate a less sticky tart. The tart dough crust came from who else but Joy the Baker. Bless her whole heart forever.

We finished with *puts hand on heart* who I call my friend but in reality doesn't know me at all, Ina Garten's scones. I'm gonna rant for a bit here - stay with me. I've had a lot of scones in my day. They're like the novelty baked good based on the name alone. Oo! Scones! They're not from here! I love your accent. But when you get them they're dense and dry and kind of hockey puck-ish in nature and taste. This recipe used lots. and LOTS of cold cubed butter which in turn made it one of the lightest most flaky scones I've had. We split the dough and added cranberries to one half and chocolate chips to the other half. In total? Pure bliss. It's definitely going to be what I measure every scone against. It also ensures that I will never get another scone from Panera... or Starbucks... or the bakery downstairs. Dang. I just went there.

It was a wonderful day, filled with sweet people, sweet conversations, and sweet, sweet baked goods. I can't wait to reconvene in the spring with new recipes and new topics to talk about.

*all photo cred goes to Kate De La Rosa - for higher resolution photos of the day please head to her blog. But really you need to read her blog. Let's be real. 

New

New Years is like the ultimate clean slate. I know it is just another day that I'm living but it's actually a pretty great thing that the year starts OVER. Otherwise you feel stuck on this path you'll never deviate from - have you ever had that feeling?

Looking back at my short list of attainable goals I actually did a lot of those! Which makes me feel great because somehow... I thought I was stuck in THIS year where I made goals that... honestly were way too much. I wanted to punch myself in the face at the end of that year.

This past year was filled with good things like the beginning of Single Lady Wednesday and embracing my singleness instead of treating it like leprosy - that I needed to be secluded from society until marriage. I also met JOY THE FREAKIN BAKER in real life and gave her a hug. Sometimes we tweet each other. Sometimes we don't. All in a day's work. I also baked for my first. ever. WEDDING. Oh man I'm still kind of on a high from that one... woo...

Also Target happened. We will never forget.

Towards the end of this year I kept waiting for something... anything to happen. Watching friends become wives, wives become mothers, friends moving away... and I just sat... and waited for life to happen. Instead life passed me by a bit. By the time I realized it - it turns out I'm deep in laziness and self neglect. If I want something to happen I have to actually make it happen and not be afraid because it actually involves some pain.

I only have 2 goals this year but they pertain to a lot of areas in my life.

Tell myself "no."
I need to build a LOAD of self discipline. So when I find myself staying up too late, it's time to say no. When I'm craving Portillo's for the second time that week, it's time to tell myself no. Want a giant Coke? Nope. Sorry! I am unfortunately a huge believer in the TREAT YO'SELF system which roughly states "Any time you do something remotely hard you must reward yourself with something tasty" so...

...this is going to suck.

Tell myself "yes."
Yes to dreaming at all... dreaming anything and everything. Yes to making those dreams happen, yes to more single lady adventures, yes to motivation and yes to being open.

This is equally as difficult because I am a watcher. I observe. I can be laughing with you and joking with you but I really haven't SAID anything. I sneak by in life a lot that way, but I really want to take the time to get to KNOW people and have people know who I am. I want to have people of value in my life - which means it's time to put my foot down about who I hang out with.

Here's to a happy, healthy, new year!