Monday, June 2, 2008


you know how i was pining to write out emotions just as they are but couldn't the other night? its an ongoing thing.

have you ever done something you desperately wish you could take back? i've done a lot... i wish i could do over... but theres one in particular that i would give anything to undo do anything to censor or soften the blow... but i can't take it back and though it seems sometimes you move on from it... they never really forget it. not completely. sometimes you still feel the sting even if it's 1 year... 10 years from then... you end up reliving it. 

this new adulthood i've stepped into has caused me to HAVE to deal with things because of it. i hate it. wont lie but secretly i'm hoping that dealing with issues in my life will only make things better for me... make me a stronger person... help me to trust in God... in myself and trust that all people aren't necessarily out to cause pain...

i think i want to get rid of emotions simply because i'm actually feeling them now. on a regular basis and with force behind them. i got a chance to express emotion besides happy and learn to let them go at the same time. now that is kind of gone... so it kind of... sucks. 

i'm entering adulthood with more care now and though i teeter and fall a lot i can't really stop now. already i've made some mistakes and some hurts just keep resurfacing no matter how hard i try to repress them. that could be a lesson in itself to not repress feelings but for now for this particular thing i think its best to walk away from it. the good thing is i know God will forgive me... 490 is the number He forgives. i have to let it go... and deal with the next issue... and in time... he'll heal the hurts too...... and replace them with something to be joyous about. 

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