The Single Lady's Guide to Herself

Hey girl. You're single. Some days it's the best thing and some days it's the worst. Some days it feels like you don't even understand anything at all, but that's most adults - we can be real with each other.

I don't really write in this space for 2 reasons. 1) Being single gets REALLY monotonous. 2) I have a Blogspot. It's like... who are you, even?? So I come back when someone mentions "Hey remember that thing you used to do and a whole 21 people liked it? You should do that again." And I casually shrug my shoulders, flex my fingers and tell my brain to be creative for like FOUR seconds and it responds in kind. Thanks brain. Have this freezie-pop. Eat it slowly.

I've spent my entire life trying to figure myself out, and isn't that most of us? You know yourself fully until you do something that completely contradicts everything and you're back at square one. Being single is fun! Except when it ISN'T and you ride the wave either way. I'm sure further down the line I'll be writing "being married/a mother/a grandmother is fun! except when it ISN'T" but we accept our stages of life in their turn. Or something. I'm sure I read that bull on a blog somewhere.

On Loneliness: it will happen and it will hit swiftly without a sound. You'll be enjoying life's little things and BAM you're crying in public because you want to share this portion of your life with someone. For example, a week before my 29th birthday I spent 2 whole days SOBBING because I was suddenly hit with the realization I have not found someone, no one has shown interest and I may NEVER find someone. I broke. Big time. And I'm fine now but at the moment I felt lower than low. You may be tempted to treat loneliness with all of the wine (pass for me) or all of the food (ding, ding, ding!!). TRY to recognize this for what it is and even cry, or write, or do yoga but for the love of God in Heaven DON'T DRINK OR EAT. IT'S NOT WORTH IT GIRL.

On Friends: being single and getting a little older means your friends are married and having kids. They will stop keeping in touch with you eventually. It also means your single friends are oddly even MORE unreliable and/or just plain crazy. Like there is no in between unfortunately. Try (try, try, try!) to hold on to the good ones, married or not, and keep a few crazy friends on reserve for when you're feeling adventurous (read: lonely). There is a constant cycle of realizing your friends are NOT a replacement for a significant other and loving them so much you can't imagine life without them. Oh! Group texts - the blessing and the curse. Keep a group text with the good ones. You've no clue what wonders a good friend group text does.

On Confidence: at this point in your singledom you understand your style pretty well and what you like and don't like. It's GREAT. You walk into a store and you don't have to buy things you don't like! You can tell your sexist coworkers where to shove it so far up without even batting an eyelash. You're a feminist and you stand for equality and you DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT. Except for a few days out of the month, every month, that really effs you up. Ugh. YOU know.

On Dating: there are 2 things that have happened if you've made it to late 20's/early 30's without a boyfriend. You've joined a few dating sites. Deleted them. Re-added them. Re-deleted them. Or! You've considered coming out as a lesbian even though you're straight just to alleviate pressure and see who won the bet in your family. Oh that's just me? HAHA KIDDING GUYS I'D NEVER DO THAT HAHAHAHAHA I HOPE THIS IS CONVINCING.

On Vacations: no? Is no an answer?? You go on Air B'n'B a lot and browse without making a commitment. You go back and forth between saying "Who CARES if I'm alone on vacation!" and "WHY WOULD I GO ON VACATION ALONE?!"

On Exercise: being single gives you access to a PLETHORA of exercise boot camps and Zumba's and so many things. You won't go to any of them. They're all filled with mom's who don't even have time! So in turn you feel guilty cuz you certainly have MORE time than a mom and then oh look! A bag of Cheetos. RINSE, REPEAT. You will go back and forth between being determined to be healthy and OH LOOK. A BAG. OF CHEETOS. For the rest of your life.

Listen, at this point I seriously don't know what the heck's gonna happen. If my 20's have taught me anything it's that ANYTHING AND NOTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN. If you're confused then I've explained your 20's PERFECTLY. I do know this - I like myself SO MUCH! I really have enjoyed getting to know who I am and being confident in that. If nothing else comes out of this but learning to really accept myself then everything's gonna be fine. ALSO, SOMEONE BUY ME THIS SWEATSHIRT THANKS.

SLW: Guest Post - Casey

We haven't had a guest poster on here in quite awhile! Meet my awesome friend Casey - I met her while at Olivet and it took me forever to figure out if she was mad at me or not. She is reserved at first glance but one of the coolest people I've ever met. I'm so happy to have gotten to know her over the years because as it turns out we MIGHT be the same person. From the Young Adult fiction novels to her intense love of crafts and blogs, she's pretty much amazing. 

I asked Casey to guest on here a couple months ago, being a fellow single lady, I asked her to write whatever she wanted about single life or not. And she didn't say no... but she also didn't quite say yes, but she finally emailed me. I'm so happy to have her post here today!

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When Abby asked me to write a guest post for SLW, I almost wondered if she had asked the wrong person. Like Abby recently shared, I never have anything to say when people ask me, "What's new with you?" Therefore, I feel like I had NOTHING to write about. I figured I'd give it a shot though. 

As a single lady, I read A LOT of blogs. Therefore, I decided to pull an idea from one of my favorite blogs, Sometimes Sweet. I’ve been borderline obsessed with blogs since I was in college, and Danielle Hampton’s blog was one of the first ones I remember reading. To give you an idea of how obsessed I was (read: still am), I gave up blogs for lent one year in college because I was spending entirely too much time reading them. It was bad. Anyways, Danielle writes a “Currently” post from time to time, where she talks about different things she’s enjoying in her life. Here’s my attempt at a Currently post…

Reading: I started reading/listening to To Kill a Mockingbird, via an audio book, on my drive to and from work. I live about 20 minutes from the school I work at so I always try to get an audio book from the library to enjoy on my short commute. Go ahead and shun me now, but I have never read To Kill a Mockingbird. For years, my mom has tried to get me to read it, saying that I would love it, but somehow it just slipped through the cracks. Anyways, I requested it from the library, but the 7^th disc ended up being so scratched that it wouldn’t play. I didn’t want to wait to request another copy of the audio book so I’ve been reading the physical book. I’ve also been listening to The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zaslow, via an audio book, on my commute to work now. And I recently borrowed Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan from the library. I have yet to start that one. I’m not usually one to read multiple books at a time, but lately I’ve been juggling 2-3 books at a time. Things are getting wild over here!

Eating: Cinnamon Toast Crunch…in a rather large bowl. I can never get enough of that stuff. I go through phases with cereal. I’ve enjoyed large quantities of Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Life, Frosted Mini Wheats, etc. For the most part, I literally eat nothing other than cereal during those phases…and I love it. Also, sunflower seeds are one of my main food groups.

Thinking about: Summer. One of the major perks of working in a school is the schedule a.k.a. summers off. I have a big trip planned this summer and I.AM.EXCITED. My friend and I are going to DC, NYC and Boston. I will be crossing quite a few things off of my unofficial bucket list, as well as my 26 Before 27 list. Man, oh man. Did I explain how excited I am? We are planning to visit The Today Show, which is basically my main goal in life. Ed Sheeran will be playing for The Today Show’s summer concert series while we’re there. (Insert heart eyes emoji here). We’re going to try for Jimmy Fallon and/or SNL tickets too. There will be food. There will be fun. I’m tempted to countdown with a paper chain.   

Listening: Podcasts. Recently, a friend reminded me about the wonderful world of podcasts. Comedy Bang Bang is my current favorite. The other night I was trying to fall asleep while listening to it and one of the guests was Amy Poehler. Basically, I laughed myself to sleep. It was grand. They were rapping about butter. Enough said. As far as music, my playlist is always all over the place. Currently, it includes: Ed Sheeran, Manchester Orchestra, Jake Bugg, Talk Dirty to Me by Jason Derulo, Do You Want to Build a Snowman by Princess Anna, etc. I had to throw those specific songs in there if I’m being 100% honest in this post.

Watching: This is a silly question. The answer is always Gilmore Girls. I have a running list of shows that I want to watch, but somehow I always end up engrossed by one of Lorelai and Rory’s long-winded conversations. Those two, I love them. I used to pick a random season when I was in the mood to watch, but I’ve preferred watching from start to finish over the last few years. If only I could tell you how many times I’ve watched the entire series. Honestly, I wish I knew the number. Also, if you’ve read any of Abby’s amazing live tweets related to Gilmore Girls, you’d notice that I’ve favorited 99% of them. I would also be watching Parenthood, but the season just ended. There were tears, lots of tears. For some balance, I’ve been watching The Mindy Project too, which always provides me with a good laugh. 

Loving: Excuse me while I get a little sentimental, but I love my friends. This really isn’t anything new, but I’ve just had some good moments with my pals lately. Most of these moments have been so simple too. Conversations over coffee. A quick phone call after work. Running errands with a friend. I’m just very thankful.

Well, that’s it. There’s your peek into what’s going on in the life of your average single lady. A big thank you to Abby for asking me to write a guest post and putting me waaayyyy outside of my comfort zone.

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THAT ROAD TRIP THO! AAARRRGH I wish summer break was still a thing. And Gilmore Girls - ugh, Gilmore Girls *clutches heart.* I love the "reading, loving, watching" posts - it's a good way to catch up and actually gives you a little perspective on what you might call "nothing." Someone's "nothing" is someone else's amazing adventure. Also I totally want to listen to podcasts now!

I am always up for a guest post - thoughts on single hood from a married standpoint, advice, recipes for one (or recipes for 2 that I will eat alone and not tell anyone) ANYTHING! Email me at thebirdsfly{at}me{dot}com.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY! 

SLW: life lately + Gilmore Girls

Almost every Wednesday, in a sincere effort not to drive anywhere, I get Chinese food from this place in front of my apartment. I can walk to it and the food is cheap but good and the combination of those things is a slam dunk, home run. The only drawback is I have to walk by this fitness place, you know the pop up ones that kinda yell at you in all forms? "NUTRITION 24. GETTING FIT IS THE NEW SKINNY. SWEAT IS JUST FAT PEEING OUT OF YOUR PORES." I make special care not to look into the place because I'm afraid strong, overly hyped up on steroids guys will pick me up and carry me into the place and force me to exercise when all I want is the sweet and sour chicken lunch special. I try to look very menacing and determined when I pass, which just mostly comes off as "pissed because I'm constipated."

Thought I would just share that with ya...

I'm just really trying to avoid the question, "What's new with you?" It makes me wish I had a kid to talk about, because there is never a lack of conversation when you have a kid. There is always something developing or school or SOMETHING to talk and bond over whereas I'm over here like, "Well, I just got over a stomach virus soooo my poop's finally no longer liquid!" and that's how I lose friends. But it also makes me a little down when I haven't seen friends in a long time and they ask what's new and NOTHING is new. Even after years of time. I'm not saying life has to be this roller coaster of adventure but it's easy to feel boring when you're single and you work and do little else but read YA fiction in your spare time. And then you start to BOND with other people over the fact that you're super lame! No really, the other day I saw this girl I knew from like 7th grade and we lamented over the fact that our friends are married and buying houses. In fact, her friend was in the process of buying a good chunk of Pottery Barn and she went to Starbucks to get away from it all. I always say life's weird, but I mean can we just agree today and say life's WEIRD?? Other than that weird run in, I've been good! Promise, hand to God. Besides that whole stomach virus thing. That was a real thing that happened last week. Blech.

Oh hey let me introduce you to my best friends in the world, Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel. (Please still be friends with me, please.) 

Anyways, I've been watching a lot (an understatement) of Gilmore Girls. Like a TON. I forgot how amazing that show is and how much my mom and I are Lorelai and Rory. Why aren't shows written like that anymore?? It's so intelligent and funny! Like why can't actual life hold conversations with obscure cultural references in them all the time? AND why can't Stars Hollow exist?? It makes me want to up and move to Connecticut and then I rememberrrrr that would be a bad idea. Alexis Bledel isn't there waiting for me with coffee. THAT makes me sad.

I keep trying to relate everything in my life to that show and my brain is on HYPER speed with quick witted quips now. It's like when you hear someone speak in a British accent and you can't help but start to say 'banahhhnahs' over and over again. You can find all my GG thoughts on Twitter (@abbyblujay) since I've decided to live tweet every episode I watch. This decision is sound right? Of course it is.

Happy Wednesday my dears!

SLW: reads

I made a mistake. I've been reading, slightly embarrassingly, this book about how "It's Not You" in terms of being single. It's by Sara Eckel and it's just dispelling the thoughts every single person has. "I'm too picky" or "I'm not trying hard enough" or "I'm too sad" or "I'm too focused on my career." It makes you feel like a normal human again and even helps you skirt past single shaming questions of "why are you single?" and "what's wrong with you?" with the response of "well, why are you married?" and "leave me alone." It was an insightful book with a lot of laugh out loud moments and some moments that made me FREAK. OUT.

For example: she meets her husband at 41 *gulps and moves on* and has to come to terms with the fact that she can either choose to have biological children or wait for the one. I stopped, put the book down, and went in a corner and cried for a while, because at 27 it never crossed my mind that I may not marry until well into my 40's or 50's and way past child bearing age. I want a literal brood of children, I've always wanted a lot of kids and that just... rocked my world. It's something I'm not ready to come to terms with yet. Hence all the tears and I KNOW I know. It's weird of me to freak out about something that hasn't even happened yet, events that haven't come to pass at ALL but! It IS something that hit me square in the face with a bit of reality.

I always think about Rachel, Jacob's wife, who prayed and prayed and prayed for a son only for her to finally have one and give him right back to God. I don't even know if I would have the strength to do that, but I do know that God hears me when I pray and I just need to trust him. Even while I continue to freak the heck out.

Also I think I'm gonna stop reading "self-help" books for... forever. and maybe just go live at church.

SLW: a recant

Remember a while ago when I said, "When I leave my house I always look cute because I never know who I'll meet"...?

WELL I TAKE BACK THAT STATEMENT.

I had no idea the GUILT associated with saying that! As soon as I wear yoga pants out of my house I'm like "Aw I just missed my husband," or wear my ratty TOMS instead of my cute Gap flats, "Well you just missed your husband," or I didn't do my hair and went to Dairy Queen, "Dang girl you could have met your husband today." THESE ARE THINGS I THINK ABOUT. And it is TERRIBLE.

So here's a new statement. DO YOU GURL. Wear whatever the heck you want, maybe don't be naked, but let's all thank God that meeting "the one" isn't dependent on the fact that you went with generic glasses instead of Ray Bans. Actually I don't know if meeting someone is dependent on anything but just living life.

LIVE YO LIFE GURL.

That is all.

p.s. You know the cute layered outfits pinned on Pinterest? Are they homeless, cuz they clearly don't spend their money on anything else BUT CLOTHES. I just... needed to say that.

SLW: living life to the fullest!

There are a lot of adages for single people. Our manifesto if you will. Live life to the fullest (because you are alone). Accept happiness (because you don't have a person to make you happy). She turned her can't into cans and her dreams into plans (cuz eventually you'll just die alone). I believe there is a whole Pinterest category of hipster typographical phrases with either a background of mountains or stars or books. Pretty sure I've looked at all of them, late at night, while thinking about buying something from Anthropologie online at the same time.  

What about when you're in a bad place? When you're feeling a little lost? What if THAT is your fullest you can live at the moment? And can't that be enough?! A friend sent me an article that said accepting you're not happy isn't saying "Yes, I wanted this," it just IS what's going on. But you'll move on from there when that time comes. When that is... I wonder that every day. My manager is always upset that my response to, "How's it going??," is, "meh," followed by a shrug. It's the truth! I'm at a job I don't like and I'm not necessarily SAD but I sure as heck ain't jovial so a "meh" for your life is what you get. 

The thing I know is I WILL move on from this even though I'm in the thick of what seems like a forever transition period. Don't know what I should do with my life, maybe I laid down in the middle of the floor the other day and admitted to myself, that yeah I do REALLY want a frickin boyfriend. All I can do is get up, go to work, come home, shower and sleep only to do it all over the next day. This is how I'm getting through. This is my fullest and I'm okay with that. 

But also here are some quotes I found on Pinterest to lift your spirits a bit.

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(here is the article my friend sent me - really a good read)

HAPPY WEDNESDAY

SLW: the lady doctor

Oh yes. We're about to go there.

I have read a few funny accounts of going to the gynecologist and they're all full of expletives. Who can blame them because you're effin naked in front of an effin stranger getting felt up. Things get real is all. 

Nurse: "Do you wanna get screened for HIV or any STD's?"

Me: "...Dooo you have to have sex to get those?"

Nurse: "Um. Yeah."

Me: "Mmkaythen noo."

This is my yearly bout of action I get - the closest to a "good time" I've ever been. Really, my doctor is super nice and very to the point, which in gynecology is a blessing. (I feel like small talk should just be banned until your fingers are OUT of my insides.)

"Have you ever fainted from the... Ya know... Odor down there?" I ponder silently. I tried to all but plant a rose garden in my Netherlands this morning. There is a special place in Heaven for people that willingly stick their face inches from hundreds of genitals that may smell really terrible for medical reasons. It's a really clean place in Heaven. Odorless. Lots of clouds. 

I always end up in fits of uncontrollable laughter mostly because the entire thing, while it's wholly medical, is also wholly ridiculous. The nurse points to the gown and says, "Opening to the front," and I was down for at least a minute when she left. While on the table, normal conversation is just... very much inhibited by the fact that her hands are on my boobs yet she's congratulating me on losing weight since I've seen her last. I opened my mouth to ask her out for maybe some coffee since we're so close but I thought against it. 

"Maybe I can qualify this as 'Go on a date' for my resolutions for this year..." 

SLW: social media + being single = early exhaustion

Navigating social media as a single woman is tiring.

I would like that to be the entire entry cuz that sentence speaks VOLUMES. Social media has become the driving force on how we make friends, maintaining relationships, STARTING relationships and it's just... a lot to deal with. I have friends who freakin love it and use it their advantage but just listening to them talk about it, again, is tiring.

If the Internet was a class I would totally get an A in it. As much as face to face communication can stress me out I do okay on social media - and there is definitely a balance.

Behold, a breakdown.

Facebook:

It is really easy to over share on Facebook because no one can see you without pants on and your hair all ratty. I am a serial defender, wielder of righteous anger. This status "......" INSTANT DEFRIENDING. Don't do that... don't be that person! I'm getting angry already just thinking about it! The ones who understand how to use Facebook place well timed, evenly spaced statuses or photos. It isn't a place for selfies. For example, I use Facebook to talk about food mostly because that's common ground and it isn't an over share. To the over sharing, over complaining posters? I see you and I'm side eyeing you.

Twitter:

I overuse Twitter, I will admit. I end up using it as an outlet for quick thoughts, quips and general witty things. When work is annoying me but I can't say "hey I work at this place and THIS PERSON is the worst" I tweet something vague and I feel better about things. It's a great way to repost something cool and interesting you see (whereas on Facebook it's an annoyance). It can be a way to market yourself but you really have to understand how to use it. There are a lot of people trying to break into social media marketing and... failing. Twitter is about timing. 3 to 4 things a day. Unless you're watching an awards show. (#OSCARS2014) Oddly enough people get to know me the MOST on Twitter. I've even made real friends through it. A+ for Twitter.

Instagram:

The ultimate way to show off a single person's perfect life. Ooo look at this fabulous food! Oooo I'm at Anthropologie! Oooo coffee shops in the sunlight with a pastry! I like the visual but I hate the pressure to never show the messy parts of life. Try to limit the selfies - in reality we care a lot less than you think. There's something to be said about commenting too. A well timed comment sometimes makes you a new friend. It's weird! EVERYTHING IS WEIRD.

Snapchat:

For the attention starved. That's the only message I'm getting from it really. Except my nephew has it figured out and sends the most hilarious stuff! He learned all he knows from me.

Vine:

Um...? Snippets of your life. I... yeah there's not much I can say about vine except I watch a lot of it and post very little. Give people a video snippet - even 6 seconds - and somehow a lot of them try to talk about sex. How does that work!?

OKCupid/Tinder:

I have a weekly, sometimes daily battle to join or not join OK Cupid or Tinder. I just get really lonely and I wanna download it. Then I wake up and realize IT'S NOT WORTH IT PEOPLE ARE CRAZY and I don't. Rinse, repeat, all week long. If I end up joining you will know. Oh, you'll know.

Please excuse me while I put tape over all my camera lenses, don a tin foil hat and lock myself in my house for forever. Send a carrier pigeon for help.

SLW: two.fourteen

I wasn't going to share any thoughts about Valentine's Day because I'm single and that's so cliche for me to write a post every year about how everything is terrible (or something). And then when I finally get married (or something) I would write about how I had no idea how good Valentine's Day could be and how EVERY DAY is Valentine's Day and I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

I'm not even a little bit THAT GIRL. Praise the Lord.

Honestly my Valentine's Day was pretty good! I wore the brightest pink flower I could find in my hair which brightened my mood considerably. It is possible I was feeling a little lonely but we will not expound on that. Uh, I'm single! That happens. You just move on ya know? Like any other day.

More good things that happened: Forever 21 in the mall has plus sizes now and I got to buy my first summer dress of the year AND it was PAYDAAAY. I also took myself to Target after work on a date! With myself! It was WONDERFUL. I let myself roam the aisles - ALL the aisles - and buy whatever I felt led to buy, which ended up being a case of La Croix sparkling water, organic milk, and a bottle of Cholula. I freakin love Cholula. And because I am single, and I for that one moment I did what I really wanted, I totally just crop dusted the aisles. Yeah I just used the phrase "crop dusted" in this blog. New frontiers guys, new frontiers.

I wish I had taken a picture of the wine aisle, it was like a bomb had gone off including that single bottle of wine spinning on a shelf by itself as if someone had JUST run outta there.

All in all it was a lovely day because I refused to let it be anything else.

Also THIS IS THE DRESS I BOUGHT YO!

HAPPY WEDNESDAY

SLW: being an adult is weird.

I'm not sure when I'll qualify myself as an adult because I never feel like it EVER. I call my mom way too much - I mean she's like 1 of 7 people I actually enjoy so the rounds are small - and, probably just like everyone else, I feel like my life isn't TOGETHER. There really never is a point where you can put a flag in the ground and proclaim, "MY LIFE IS TOGETHER!" though I would totally love to for even a split second sometime in my life. *makes a mental note to buy a flag to put in the ground*

Sometimes I forget that gender equality is something to strive for and that Beyoncé exists because there are some things that I really want a GUY to do. Like... kill the roach the size of my foot or fix my car when it breaks. It happens in a minute, I suddenly have the vapors and wish I had a big strong MAN to take care of things. Of course I remember that Beyoncé DOES exist and I start singing "Independent Women pt. 1" and "Grown Woman" simultaneously and I feel better about my single hood. I think, more than anything, I hate feeling uncomfortable about things I'm not sure of. Yeah okay bugs scare me but I WILL kill them - just knowing they're alive means I will not SLUMBER or rest until that thing is VANQUISHED. Also I start talking like a person whose best friend is Shakespeare when I get righteous.

If we're being honest (and we always are), I still can't say the word "sex" without cringing/giggling/getting hot all over (but I mean I should be fine right?!). I had to tow my car and take it to a new mechanic today then came home and TOOK A NAP because that much action literally laid me low. Maybe eventually I'll meet a guy who understands the complex mystery that is exhaust pipes but I'm not gonna stop handling my own business - even if I have to lie down afterwards.

Because Beyoncé exists. hashtag//Yoncé 4eva.

SLW: finding summer

First of all, look who has Wednesdays off again! But the trade off is I work Sundays now and that has made my heart sad. We can get into that later.

I feel like I, like most Chicagoans, have had a HUGE case of cabin fever this winter. This has been one of the hardest winters, not only because of the weather but because of plain BOREDOM. I'm so dang tired of snow drifts and the wind literally howling through my house and the perpetual dimness that hangs around. You can totally go away winter, you've overstayed your welcome.

Everyone, really, everyone, has been trying to beat the winter blues in their own way. Going to museums, scooting towards any beam of sunlight, or just plain denying the weather as a hinderance and going out to bars and clubs.

This morning I opened all the curtains in my house and welcomed the tiny bit of sun that peeks between apartment buildings. I picked up summer fruit from Whole Foods, like pineapple and watermelon and have been munching on that for a snack. Vitamin D aside I think pineapple is my winter pick-me-up. It's like biting into actual sunlight. I also bought raspberry lemonade and seltzer water - uh the best combo ever - and put it into a tall, thin glass… then I added an umbrella. I could have been on the beach at that very moment and you couldn't have told me otherwise.

There isn't much going on in Single Lady Land but the weather has fostered many a deep talks over drinks and food at bars and restaurants nearby. It's been nice getting to know new friends. Also, lots of Chinese take-out from the place I live behind. I just like… FORGOT I lived behind a Chinese take-out place for almost a year. No bigs.

The little bit of sun we're seeing today makes me want to be prepare the house for spring. It's coming, little house, don't lose hope. Why does my house get so messy in the winter? I throw everything on one chair and it stays there forEVER. It's so bad! I may actually put up my curtains in my room today, it only took almost a year. Again! No bigs. Stop with the judgy face.

This horrible season will pass. It's actually necessary for spring and new life to bud. I'm just veeeery ready for it.

SLW

Today was an oddly perfect day. Did you SEE outside today? It was like textbook "perfect weather" day in my book. Wispy clouds backed by a bright blue sky and a gentle breeze. It was something out of a novel... young adult fiction to be exact because that is what I'm currently obsessed with reading. Don't judge too hard - also blame John Green.

It turned out to be a Single Lady Wednesday where I actually got to hang out with a SINGLE LADY on a WEDNESDAY. Whaaaaaat?! My friend Maggie came down to visit for the day and (because I'm weird) I was very nervous/excited. There might have been pizza involved, orangey-pink colored drinks and... cookies and ice cream involved. I mean if we started braiding each other's hair and broke out the nail polish it would be all over.

It was a much needed good Wednesday.

SLW: someone mentioned you on the internet...

And I got sweaty. Even my hands started to sweat. I twitched, I sniffed, I scratched my neck. Then I scratched my head. My eyes shift left to right and right to left as I scrolled, possessed, reading the mention over and over - clicking away, coming back like a shameful dog and reading it again.

Then I got mad. I got incensed. I got outraged. I cursed your name. I texted my friend. She sided with me.

My heart beat fast like I just ran somewhere. My breath came in thin rasps. My vision wouldn't focus.

I'm perfect without you I just can't stand anything WITH you.

Am I over you? Is the question I skirt around as I drum up every instance of your stupidity. Your immaturity. Your inability to not be a self centered person.

Am I over you? looms on the edge of my periphery. When I look straight at it, it disappears, but it's always pressing, creeping closer, looming larger.

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I wrote this forever ago, when this actually happened. I get weirded out sharing half thoughts... quick blurbs of thought cuz they're not finished and polished and don't have a resolved ending that sounds a bit like 'it'll all work out in the end' or '...and then I saw a cloud shaped like a heart and now things are better.' I can't say this is 'raw' writing it's just... unfinished. That's cool right?

I plan on... grossly over eating tomorrow. *nods* yep. Happy 4th to you!

SLW: nothing compares

- Theodore Roosevelt

Can I just say that I totally saw this quote on Swiss-Miss and jumped on that bandwagon before EVERY other blogger decided to love/blog about this quote? I'm just sayin. Pfft. Bloggers... am I right?

I fell in to a hole the other day. That hole's name is Facebook Stalking. It always starts so harmlessly. You're aimless, mindlessly browsing the FB's and you come across a picture. It's usually not even someone you really KNOW it's a friend of a friend of a FRIEND's picture and then the darkness hits you. That picture led to her profile. Which led to her HUSBAND'S profile. Which led to all of the tears and sudden irrational blame that she stole the life I should have had. Totally harmless.

The reality of her situation is she works for the THE graphic design firm in the country. Like... THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS at all. She found... captured... romantically fell in love with a guy - obviously now her husband - who not only wears glasses, newsboy caps AND PLAID simultaneously but appropriately! (We went to high school together - she was two years my junior)

Then I proceeded to have an adult temper tantrum, which is more or less stacking up offenses against yourself about what you could and could have done, did and didn't do, all while laying in the  middle of the floor with my eyes closed, breathing loudly. It's a place you enter but never really leave...

Eventually I did drag myself up... and into my bed. 

I can't change nor apologize for the life I've chosen to lead. I should celebrate my steps forward not question EVERY LITTLE THING. It's like seeing a pothole in the middle of the road and speeding up to make SURE you hit it. It shouldn't matter what my life is... even if it's truly terrible (which it isn't) I should never compare it to someone else's life. I'm basically asking for a mental breakdown. Also I should just REALLY stay off Facebook. Forever. 

HAPPY WEDNESDAY

p.s. I was totally feeling Sinead O'Connor-y when I wrote this blog title. Just go with it. 

SLW: why Scandal is totally ruining single lady's lives.

Yeah... I'm about to do a blog post on the tv show Scandal so I mean... either prepare yourself or get out now cuz it's about to go down.

A brief synopsis: Olivia Pope is a high profile lawyer in D.C. dubbed a 'fixer' for political scandals that don't want to be leaked to the media and the police. Herself being the ultimate scandal of SLEEPING WITH THE PRESIDENT on the regular and the President being in love with her. Chaos ensues, people totally die, there are actual spies, and everyone is well dressed. It's too much to handle.

I kinda jumped on the train and then made the train go at full speed. I am full on obsessed with this show and that's a bad. bad. bad thing. I know these characters are fictional and all the events are fictional but it's skewing how I view EVERYTHING!

As a single woman, though eventually I want the kids, husband, house, and security of a future life deep down I think every woman wants that knock down, drag out, passionate love of fictional stories. Love that breaks barriers and tears down walls. Love that doesn't even start correctly, infidelity love - love against all odds, unrequited and angry. That's why people are so obsessed with this show because she is NOT his wife but they're MEANT to be together and people root for the girl on the side with gusto. Their story is something of legend and every woman craves a legendary kind of love. It's like a twisted Princess Bride.

Yeah... I want a legendary love that makes my stomach clench like I'm on a roller coaster but that's not how love is supposed to be. It's not supposed to wreck and ruin my life it's supposed to make me bloom. I refrain from bringing my faith into my posts but there is already a reckless love that I own. A revolutionary love that someone died to give me. Love with no strings attached, I only need to reach out and accept it. THAT love... His love... is my legendary love.

That is the kind of love I need to be obsessing over.

SLW power songs

Every woman needs a song that will make her want to dance/punch things/run a million miles all at the same time. 99% of those songs, for me, are Beyoncé. Um... because Beyoncé. But I wanted to share some of my personal Single Lady Pump Up the Jam's with you. Who can resist a good jam?

Beyoncé - Grown Woman - not yet released but this video gets me through... as I watch it daily.

They like the way I walk

Cuz I walk with a vengance

And they listen to me when I talk

Cuz I ain't pretendin'

I'm a grown woman! 

I can do WHATEVUH I WANT

Avicii - Silhouettes - ULTIMATE POWER SOOOONG. Also it makes me wanna twerk just a bit.

We've come a long way since that day

And we will never look back at the faded silhouettes

Straight ahead on the path we have before us

Day by day we know a change will come

Don't you know we took a big step forward?

30 Seconds to Mars - Kings & Queens - this makes me wanna throw my hands in the air and YELL for a good 20 seconds. It reminds me a lot of MuteMath who I also love.

We were the kings and queens of promise

Estelle - Freak - for the times you just need to let it OUT. And sometimes you do.

I can be a freak, every day of every week. 

Midnight City - M83 - this is just one of those songs that makes me want to run... while simultaneously sobbing. It's just so good... it hasn't gotten old. I think it's the saxophone at the end of it. 

The city is my church

It wraps me in sparkling twilight

Here's this for good measure. And this. 

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

SLW

Hey guys, I'm TOTALLY alive I just moved recently across town. This move super SUCKED and we definitely don't have wifi yet. You don't realize how much you depend on wifi until it's NOT there. Pretty sure I'm over my data limit for the month already. Womp. It makes going to the bathroom so boring when you can't surf the web. Real life.

As soon as I'm back online again SLW will be in full swing again. I have some things in the archive but they're kind of melancholy... There's a time and place for that and it's not now. Not now but soon.

In the meantime you can find me on Instagram and Twitter... but don't find me on Facebook. Never. ever. find me on Facebook. And while you're at it visit a few of my friends too. Kate and Katherine are very welcoming.

Enjoy this grey, rainy day with many cups of tea and chick flicks.

Happy Wednesday! 

SLW: a day in my life

There was one time where I had a crush on 1 boy for my entire life. It was kind of like... violent unrequited love but not really. I would just become nauseous to the point of throwing up whenever in his presence, my knees would get weak, my mouth would dry up, I always had the strangest urge to scream-cry, and basic human functions like breathing became super. difficult. I've liked him since we were 8 and I couldn't make it go away if I TRIED. I'd tell myself he was disgusting and a jerk and an idiot and would be JUST FINE when he wasn't in sight but as soon as he did... you just handed a recovering crack addict a GIANT BAG OF CRACK basically...

Well he's married now - like a second ago this happened. Because of course he is. Perfect specimens of dude always find perfect specimens of girl. And dreams always die. I always exaggerate did you know that? Me and the hyperbole are so tight. 

It just so happens that his mom and my mom are good friends and she visited her the other day... and found out about this blessed union in person. My mother was very happy as she should be... I mean our families grew up together basically. Hence my life long crush. If I had bangs I would blow them out of my eyes in frustration. 

My mom then proceeds to TELL him that I've liked him since I was 8 and that I'll be heartbroken and he's crushed my dreams. Oh... this was a great idea. He's married now! There's no reason why he should know! It ALL MAKES SENSE RIGHT?!... according to my mom. 

*sits down on the ground* this is my life. as a 26 year old lady girl. I say I've accepted it but I haven't - things are ridiculous in my single lady life. The LACK of action is what makes it so. 

I wouldn't have it any other way.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY

p.s. how many times have you listened to JT's new album? 5 listenings in a row is my tops at the moment. I'm addicted to "Don't Hold the Wall" and "That Girl" - beats and harmonies get meeee... 
p.p.s. - HAPPY 400TH POST!

HAPPY SLW-VERSARY!

Well guys, you've been with me a year on this crazy journey called Single Lady Wednesday. Some weeks really sucked, and some were prettyyyyy cool. We even had a few guests! Looking at the past year of posts made me laugh and even tear up a bit when I think about all the cool adventures, guest posts and discoveries made. It's been an interesting ride to say the least.

I figured out why I was so kindred to Wednesdays. I know Kate, over at DASJ, loves Wednesdays, too. Significant things seem to happen on Wednesdays. Turns out... my sister was born on a Wednesday and I was born on the EXACT SAME Wednesday 10 years later. It's kinda scary. My niece was also born on a Wednesday too! I think it's just in my blood to love this middle of the road day of the week.

Let's look back shall we?

I figured out being a single lady had a few advantages. Even the married ladies miss single-dom sometimes. You should DEFINITELY know how to put on a successful SLW - it mostly boils down to a lack of pants, really. I tried to lay down some truth for you as well... however unsuccessfully that was but none the leads it was real. (this one is my favorite)

Then there was that time I went to the beach in March in 85 degree weather. That was totally a thing.

...and of course. the post that started it all.

Thanks again for sticking with me through this year of navigating single-hood. Being single is really weird sometimes, but also really awesome. I feel untethered and free floating which can be both exhilarating and scary at the same time. It's really a day by day thing.


p.s. - Also how awesome would it be to get these turned into a book?! I would die. Die!

SLW: Single Lady Thurdsay II

To the Late Bloomers: a letter.

To those who still had teeth falling out in 4th grade, to the ones who could look down at their chest and see straight to the floor & didn't get leg hair til 8th grade, and the very last one in your middle school to get their period? I'm one of you.

For the ones playing with American Girl dolls til 16, the ones without a solidified sense of style til after college, the one who didn't actually understand what a crush was til 24... welcome to my life.

We are the late bloomers. The slow developers. The cautious ones that wait, but had no idea they were doing so. We're comfortable with who we are. Comfortable with wearing hoodies and pajama pants through high school. Comfortable with being really late to the eyebrow waxing train. Comfortable with wearing the same hoodie and scarf day in and day out in college and finding yourself stylish within that boundary.

We're the ones that never pay attention to what dance is coming up or whether or not you're going because... there was a dance last weekend?! The ones who don't realize that boys are cute and you like them until someone points it out to you. And you just finally... FINALLY realized that you ENJOY feeling like a woman and all the spa treatments that are at your very finger tips. What seems to be late in life is normal - maybe discovering you really like to write or bake or design and that one of those might actually be your career finally. It takes a bit to find a niche.

When we do catch on, catch up, arrive, watch out. Nothing can stop a late bloomer. We're wise, having seen the early developers stumble through weird awkward phases, while we carefully side step and walk on. It makes us decisive and confident and comfortable in our own skin. Definitely still movers and shakers - just takes us a bit to warm up to moving mountains.