Lookin' for Love

written on 7/31/2012

This was written right around the time right before I hit a low point and forgotten I'd written this at all. I wrote a draft post that roughly said "I'm sitting here in tears. I hate the way I look. I'm lost at my job. I've lost God. I'm not good enough." A speaker came to my church and spoke about the simplicity of God's love and really... something unlocked that day. I couldn't see it then, just how AMAZING God is and how He works, but this post was written after this speaker spoke. This really isn't me trying to force my beliefs down your throat this is just a reminder of how good God is to me. I need this reminder when I'm at my lowest, which is RIGHT NOW. 

My entire life I've wanted to be loved and to belong. I wanted to feel that completeness that comes with an enveloping kind of love. I like hugs, I like kissing, I communicate best through touch. I am forever jealous of married couples and people with boyfriends thinking I'm missing out on love that I don't understand and will never have.

I have always felt that I'm bad at relationships. With guys I focus on the physical part of love thinking that is what love is but coming up empty... but doing it anyway. With female friends I over do the emotional side of things, investing too much to where the relationship becomes one sided and I burn out quickly after realizing they were terrible people to become friends with in the FIRST place. I end up cutting off relationships I never should have started. It's a lot of wasted time.

In the last few years or so I've begun to think that I wasn't enough for God. I felt like I was seeking him out and seeking him out and coming up empty so I stopped trying. Obviously I wasn't good enough for God anymore, whatever I had done wasn't enough. Or maybe I just never actually found God in the first place... I hadn't really known Him so what was the point of seeking someone I didn't really know.

This is a lie. A huge lie. It took me a long time to figure that out.

I mention this phantom dude all the time like he's the true stigma of my life but he isn't. He is definitely a part of why I have felt ashamed and what seemed to clinch my distance from God. There was NO WAY I could ever be enough for God to love me. I claimed to not even know what love was... or how God could love me so... all encompassing. That couldn't be real. All the while I would push feelings away because it was stupid to feel things. I'm so awesome at this. When I thought about saying sorry all I thought about was getting all emotional and saying "I'M SO SORRAAAYYYYYY" and that made me not even want to say anything.

Sitting at church tonight, listening to speaker Jeremy Pearsons, he broke things down in such a simple way, which apparently... is the only way my brain responds to. 1 plus 1. He said true repentance doesn't have to be snotting up the front alter of your church, swimming in a baptism pool full of your own tears. Repentance is replacing your thinking with God's. It's when you stop relying on YOU to get things done and putting all the pressure on YOU to do it when... there's freedom when you trust in God.

The most SIMPLE thing he said but the most freeing was that God loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME. I am loved. Inside and out up and down and when I suck and when I feel ashamed God loves me. All day long. When I'm sleep and when I'm awake and when I'm not acknowledging his presence He loves me. I get to be rooted in it. It's the type of root that connects me to God and unlocks his presence and his promises for me. It also frees me from the pressure of... trying to lose weight alone. Getting ahead in my job alone. Getting a husband. Having a family. Securing a future. These are not things I have to worry about! Because of His love I am made into His righteousness and THAT'S ALL I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT!

HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS BEFORE?! Even if I lose sight of Him I can think over and over in my brain "He loves me! He loves me! My Father loves me." It's a flower with limitless petals that all say "He loves me."

{about} real love...

There is always the expectation that with that perfect person, perfect job, perfect city there is going to be a feeling of completion...

They encourage us to ignore the more beautiful, subtle, continually filling things around us because they don't provide all the excitement and danger that we believe we should be looking for.

-Chelsea Fagan

I really do read too much thought catalog. 

The Villafuerte Wedding (finally! tang cups!)

So you know my love of hipster friend weddings right? Please refer to Katherine's amazing wedding for proof. All my friends keep getting married and having babies! For the most part I'm cool with that cuz a) i like to dance and b) i love babies! it just... works out.

Well I have yet another insider scoop on an awesome wedding. Can I share something with you? (read: "...with you, Sarah?") I was wary of this wedding. Sarah had a VISION... like no joke this girl is brilliant because to talk about it I was confused. It seemed like a lot of cool elements that made me really happy and then really sad cuz I didn't understand how they were coming together. Guess what?! Didn't matter cuz I wasn't the one getting married! And they did come together! it was GORGEOUS and totally Sarah.

The wedding was AMAZING! Take... equal parts fabric from all walks of life, plates from everyone you know's house, lyrics from hipster love songs, Hollowine (oh yes.), a secret chapel hidden in the trees, and the most beautiful custom made dress you've ever seen (for real this is a beautiful dress Sarah literally DREAMT up. I can't even...)and WA-BAM. Sarah and Manuel twenty-eleven. Sarah took "do it yourself" to a whole other level. There was handmade bunting, wood burned tree (with the ink pads so you put your finger print on it?! so cool!), her cake stands were tree stumps! Gah. It's hard to explain. I feel like I can't do it justice.

Her ceremony was at Funks Grove and it was the most idyllic place I've ever been. There were leaves falling slowly the whole time, it felt like a dream. And of course while I was there I tried to justify my place in the world and how life in general functions and tuuuurns... but the place makes you do that! It's all golden trees and white picket fences and love! WHY. It wears off after a few days. Don't worry.

Also I was "in" the wedding and had no idea. Like I had a little corsage made for me! Her Aunt Chris walks up to me and hands it to me and I'm like 'oh! um... no?' and she looks at me and goes, "You know your name is Abby right? You're the only Abby here." *crickets* sometimes... I'm kind of slow... hahaha

My camera was my iPhone and I did all the editing/photo framing on Camera + and Photo Frame (both $0.99 in the App Store. WORTH IT) I think it turned out pretty cool! The video is still a work in progress but it's almost dooone yaaay! I'll be putting all the photos you see smashed together up in a Facebook album too... unsmashed. let us move on : )

Sarah looked so beautiful it almost didn't make sense. She looked like Adele meets someone way more awesome that I can't think of haha... and I'm still HARDCORE in love with her dress.

Oh wait! That's not all. I didn't even get to the DANCING. First of all Get Me Bodied by Beyonce is... probably the best dance song ever made. There's instructions! You can't NOT dance. It's like... a commandment to dance. Love it SO HARD. Annie and Brent are probably THE MOST coordinated white people I've ever met. Okay... confession? I'm not a good dancer! I'm all shoulders and hips and booty bumpin'. Sometimes that gets you no where. But I DO bring da noise. Sometimes I bring da funk just to keep it interesting. But they... brought the house down. Highlight? Me and Katherine changing into pajamas before leaving... theeen hopping onto the dance floor for Ms. New Booty. Cuz you can't not dance to that. So much fun.

Quick letter to all my friends, I friggin love you. I love you and your amazing weddings. Please keep having parties in the future. Please don't forget to invite me. I will show up with my iPhone ready to party.

epic weddings and bon voyages

Hey guys, breaking from Rhode Island support (though if you want to hear about it read here!) for a bit to talk about the most epic wedding I've ever been to... EVER.

I'm pretty sure you've heard me talk about the wedding of my friend Katherine and how buh-freaking excited I was about it. Yeah nothing could have prepared me for the most beautiful wedding I've EVER. SEEN. pictures? pictures. GO.

can you see the three cakes? are you aware of them? CAN YA SEE THEM?! and the wreath?! MADE OUT OF BOOKS?!?!?!?! is your BRAIN exPLODING?! also there were tears on pictures 1, 2 and 4. I cried a good portion of half the day. I mean happy, "Omg how is this so perfect?!" tears. Yeah. I love them. It was kind of like the day didn't happen it was THAT awesome.

Move to Sunday! where we said goodbye to the coolest manager at the square. We said bye, took lots of awesome photos by Magali, ate lots of pizza and danced to... Neil Patrick Harris. Yeah that happened. It was grood work bonding. Did i tell you i loved my job? I do. totes magotes.

This weekend is Renegade Handmade and I'm just as excited! Artsy hipsters! ASSEMBLLLLE!!! Will post on that soon. Looking for some yarn to make some SWEET knits to help for Rhode Island! wahoo!