Wednesday, January 30, 2013

My Single Lady Underwear

I call myself trying to be more adventurous by finally getting rid of my TEN year old underwear and maybe... coming into this century as a grown woman. Maybe they don't come from Target anymore. Maybe they don't say Hanes on them anymore (let's be real they're so dang comfortable, though!)

Lo and behold a sale appeared at a store that wasn't for 98 year olds. Praise be the underwear gods. I ordered (why... why am I admitting all this to you?!) some straight away choosing some good foundation colors, some more risqué ones and waited patiently.

THEY ARRIVED! I tried them on straight away cuz... that's how I am. One pair I don't remember ordering was one called a "full brief."

For those of you that DON'T know, including myself, full brief? Means full on GRANNY PANTIES. At its LOWEST stretch it hit RIGHT below my boobs. Is there a handbook I missed somewhere on how to live life as a normal lady? Cuz I think I skipped over those and picked up the one on how to match your Adventure Time ankle socks to your outfit.

To FULLY illustrate how ridiculous this pair of underwear was let me tell you other... useful uses for these here g.p.'s
- a low cut one piece swimsuit
- cut a hole in the crotch? a stretchy tank top!
- covering the great and noble state of Rhode Island in a rainstorm
- capris!
- a unitard. (mostly just to say the word unitard)
- an asymmetrical skirt
- an ACTUAL chastity belt as these will NEVER garner sexy times of any kind. ever. in this lifetime or the next*

Did I mention they were sparkly? Did I also leave out the part where they were PURPLE?!??

I don't know why I try. I don't. I'll never be that girl that takes on lingerie, or anything ladylike really, with any kind of grace. La Perla? Will never see my face. Ya know what I should have KEPT those underwear. In the summer time I could have worn it as a tank top with a good cardigan.

...and with that I bid you a HAPPY WEDNESDAY 

*I am fully aware that I refer to having sex as "sexy times" - this is just adding to the noise at this point. Adding to the noise that is my life as a single lady.


  1. This cracked me up. I have made the "full brief" mistake before. An equally disheartening mistake? The bikini cut. I have chubby little muffin top and awkward chub on my hips...there is no way a bikini cut (which does exactly that, cut into my hips) is a good look ever.

  2. OH my gosh, I remember this story. So glad it is forever written so I can reference back to and laugh :) You're the greatest.

  3. Haha! I once got gifted a set of THREE granny panties from Jim's actual Granny. She assured me she had washed them after discovering they were too big for her. !!!

    1. OH MY GOSH! that's so wrong. so so so wrong.... oh man. you deserve all the hugs haha

  4. OMG I love you and your panties so much. Yes, I realize I just wrote that and I don't really care. It needed to be said. You are the best.



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