Wednesday, June 13, 2012

SLW: What I've learned about guys (and also myself)

I don't really have that much experience WITH guys seeing as how I only dated one... and that was disastrous? but I am practical and I watch... everything. I've seen 20 year relationships succeed and I've also seen them end. I just stay quiet... and watch... like a creeper but let's not focus on that.

In my 26 years of DOMINATING single ladyness I've learned a few things about guys. (is that an oxymoron to know things about guys while being single?? haha uhhh...) You're all about learning from my infinite well of knowledge amiright?!

- guys like things simple. Food? Steak. Dessert? Chocolate chip cookies. Emotions? happy! sad! choose one. don't be both. It's much easier said than done because as a woman I aim to please. I may want to SLAVE over a hot stove all day making duck a l'orange deplooploo de beauvoir but really all that man wants is a good seasoned non rubbery STEAK. Same with determining your relationship. It should NOT take forever. Are we dating? Good. If we're dating we shouldn't have to TALK about seeing other people because WE'RE DATING EACH OTHER.  Any guy who makes things complicated probably isn't being straight with you. And you're happiest when things aren't complicated right?

- a guy that says he wants to be friends with you wants two things: he wants to date you AND/OR he wants to have sex with you. If you are not interested in either (would you like your muffin buttered?) then keep it ULTRA casual. They're really just hoping you'll see the light and date them? Or be lonely enough for a Thursday night booty call. Keepin' it real guys I'm keepin' it real.

- guys are pretty straightforward in real life - I know! I know. Dudes are stupid and they make no sense but  I'm gonna be honest with your faces. If they like you? They will make it KNOWN. "He had finals! His grandmothers best friends interior designers aunt? Just fractured her toe." Yeahh no. If this dude likes you he will find a WAY to get some face time... with your face. Don't sweat other dudes who make it like training for a marathon to get in touch with them. You ignoring them may make them see the light.

 - confidence. Dudes. freakin. LOVE. CONFIDENCE. You could be 450 lbs and WORKIN the HECK out that dress and guys will be attracted to what you're exuding. You could be size 00 and hideously repellent to men because you don't even get it! You can't see. Wonder why all the girls you NEVER thought would have a boyfriend TOTALLY DO? They saw that confidence, that inner SOMETHING in them and it outshone any other thing. It's a true light.

- guys honestly like standards that are KEPT. If you "never do this on a first date" so many times... then you ALWAYS do this on a first date and you might need to get check out for a disease called "being a skank." If you are all about the standards then don't waver. Never waver. If you say you're gonna do something, do it. If you're not, why'd you say it?

Navigating relationships with dudes is weird. You want to figure them out while keeping the mystery and that makes no sense to me. Personally, guys take up too much of my brain power... and yet I would still like to have a boyfriend, marry and have children. I mean COME ON. I'd much rather navigate being single right now and when it's time to jump into a relationship I'll remember what I've learned. (mostly just bake chocolate chip cookies and you're golden.)


  1. How.... do you know EVERYTHING!?

    Right on the money.

    (But I never expected anything less, coming from you) ;)


  2. Abby, you're amazing! I was sitting here reading this and nodding along. I died laughing at your Mean Girls reference (would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?). Also, I feel like I personally have helped you come to these conclusions with my dating disasters :) Haha. Also, the confidence thing? Immediately One Direction "What Makes You Beautiful" pops into my head.



Related Posts with Thumbnails