This is 30

Welcome to 30! You have arrived here by not dying and generally listening to your mother's advice. Here in this detailed guide you'll find how to make your 30's the BEST years of your life! Brunch! Mimosas! More brunch! Disregard for clothing rules! You'll take your shoes off wherever you dang well please, thank you very much!

Here, I present, A LIST, mostly provisioned from my Twitter account. I also said I wouldn't put these in a blog. HAHA OH 30. SUCH A JOKESTER.

• My appetite has changed, which I've literally been waiting for it to do since I was 10. Like I can't eat as much food or I'll just keel over all slumped and sad
• My body now genuinely REJECTS certain foods. Potatoes, for example, I can no longer have a ton of potatoes or starchy foods in general
• *PAUSE AND BE SAD FOR STARCHY FOODS*
• Greasy food too...
• *PAUSE FOR FRIED CHICKEN SADNESS AND DESPAIR*
• Bread is still okay
• AND TACOS. Still bae. Always bae.
• Doctors are more a part of my life. After I came back from vacation I got super sick and saw the doc a LOT
• I finally recognize my need for exercise. It clears my head and makes me feel both sore and positive about life - WHAT?!
• Hangovers! They're so real!
• Every few weeks now I cry about being alone... dying alone... getting ice cream alone
• Then I look out across the land of hoes and dudes made of trash and I TIGHTEN THE EFF. UP
• My introversion is solidified in stone. I can only do so much before the need to recharge completely overrides all functionality and I completely break down
• Stress greatly impacts my need to recharge as well
• I still hate pants
• I have ice cream for dinner a lot

This new phase of my life is interesting and a bit of a rollercoaster. But there are more smooth sails than ups and downs. I hope you'll stay around for this journey with me. 30 needs people. 

ridiculous thoughts, love Abby

[originally written in April of 2013 and I still find it comPLETELY relevant - God bless the drafts folder] 

This post. is going to be ridiculous. and I apologize.



I'm the type of girl who wonders if I'm friends with a person or not or if I've crossed over into 'best friend' status. I've been sticking the label of 'best friend' on the most undeserving people or people who don't even KNOW I think of them as my best friend.

All my life I've relished having that one friend you could tell anything to or talk to for hours on end about anything and everything. I would find someone who was cool and awesome and I'd think THEY could be my best friend right?! And I'd quest for their approval only to find out they thought I was great... but the coveted spot of 'best friend' was already taken. It's like people come pre-loaded with a best friend out of the womb. What is that??

To be honest, I'm still a sucker for the label of best friend. I'm a sucker for labels really. There's nothing I love more than defining a relationship. Defining anything really. I try it out in my head just to see how it would sound. Roll it around on my tongue for a time but never utter it to anyone. Swap out potential candidates to see how they would handle the role.

It's stupid, I know, but as a girl who has never had a friend longer than a few years it's just a thing I would like. It's stupid to be offended at someone calling me their 'good' friend and SPOUT the blessed phrase BFF in the next sentence so easily. Is this weird? Am I twelve years old? Well obviously... YES.

Being friends with married people means you're already out of the running. Their best friend is their spouse because you're supposed to marry your best friend! I like married people a lot though... being their friends will always be a thing.

Maybe best friends are over rated. I'm lying they're not - they're amazing. Look at Joy and Tracy. It's totally not over rated.

In the end it's really not about the label, it's about the person. Having a defined boyfriend doesn't make him any less of a jerk-wad. Having a best friend won't stop the person from talking about you behind your back so... maybe I just need to find people who know what they've got.

The Reader's Nook: "It Was Me All Along"

Have you ever read a book or someone's blog and feel like you know them? Like they're talking directly to you and somehow they're unaware you're best friends? That is totally, completely, in EVERY WAY, Andie Mitchell. How did I find her blog? I'm thinking about it and I really don't remember how I stumbled upon it. I do remember being obsessed with a blog about how a girl lost a significant amount of weight and fell in love with running. I had emailed the woman to ask her how she overcame her own mind and did it anyway. She never emailed me back, but her next post read, "I've been getting a lot of emails about how I lost the weight but I'm not gonna talk about that." I felt so crushed - like I was being personally attacked. Obviously that wasn't true and I was being overly sensitive, as I tend to be. In my desperate attempt to feel connection I somehow click-holed myself to Andie's blog. I'm so glad I did.

Andie is a lady. A living, breathing lady who has struggles just like everyone else. Her past is messy just like a lot of people's and when she wakes up her hair probably doesn't look good. I say this because she also happens to have lost 135 pounds on her own and I feel like that makes her superhuman. I think a lot of people feel like it makes her superhuman so I introduced her as awkwardly as possible for balance. Heh.

It Was Me All Along: Andie Mitchell - In her book she tells the story that brought her to where she is today. A latchkey kid who used food as her babysitter, she voices a lot of the pain I think anyone goes through when they struggle with being overweight. Her past was hard, and so many others are too, but eventually she learns to accept herself at any state, large or small. Her writing is effortlessly descriptive, especially when describing the food she ate, so you really get a sense of how vividly food has impacted her life. And I totally get that. Being overweight my entire life this book basically made me want to lay down under the floor. It brought up painful memories of being ridiculed at school, by family at times, in public, and it just makes you crumble a bit. In bringing her issues to light I feel like I've stepped into the light as well. It's so easy to hide.

Being overweight makes you feel like you're the only one, though everyone knows it's actually an epidemic. Half the country is overweight but WHERE DO THEY LIVE? No one sees these people! They all live in the same community in Montana or something because I seem to be the odd woman out. Reading about the things she's gone through forced me to remember what I've gone through - so many of the stories paralleled. It's kind of like getting cold water thrown in your face. You gasp for air like a fish out of water. It's a shock to unearth a painful past you've repressed with such "skill" for so long.

When I was finished reading the book (in a record day) I wanted to email Andie and just... friggin GUSH about how I think we should be friends, and what is her vitamin regimen, and does she enjoy watching You've Got Mail as much as I do? These are things I think about when I start to see someone with hazy, glittery lights around them. I mean I've wanted to know how many cups of water Beyoncé drinks a day for YEARS. I quickly realized what I was doing. When I start obsessively finding success stories I'm not motivating myself, I'm canonizing the person. I'm bronzing them. I... want them to do the work FOR me.

I've made it quite far in my life not doing that much hard work and thinking strength was making myself small, being comic relief, and focusing on pleasing my mom. That's gotten me here, with a person's weight to lose. I have to lose an amount of weight the size of a slightly overweight person. Saying that aloud makes me feel faint.

In the moment I was all, "I'M GONNA WRITE MY STORY. I'M GONNA WRITE IT SO PEOPLE KNOW MY PAIN AND THEN THEY'LL KNOW. THEY'LL KNOOOOW THE PAAAAIN." You start to glorify the pain and the past struggles. But I want to acknowledge that they happened, look at it firmly in the eye and say, "I see you, but you are not defining," and get to work. Hey, maybe one day I will write my own book on the mind warfare that is weight loss, but that day is far off. And that is okay. Now I focus on finding a different kind of strength, a will I thought did not exist.

Even if you haven't struggled with losing weight, this book just helps you remember that whatever struggles you've gone through, who you are at any point in your life is the person you're supposed to be right in that moment.  Messy or not, shit together or not, you're you. And you are amazing.

via

Have you ever felt like if you lose control of a part of your life, you lose control of EVERY ASPECT of your life? Things beyond control are frustrating. You see them, almost like they're a tangible thing, yet you can do nothing to change its status. All you can do is keep living your life, but it's a stunted life. Like walking with a pronounced limp, you can function it's just not at 100%. That's been life for me for the past few months.

This is not to say I'm unhappy or stuck or whatever millennial words or phrases we love to use - QUARTER LIFE CRISIS - it's just how things are at the moment. I haven't read a good book, I haven't been to the gym, all I've been doing is getting from day to day so I can get from day to day. The lovely (and surprising) thing is I've never liked myself so much as I do now. I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin, sexy even sometimes (whaaat). But I know for my health, much has to be done and I haven't done that at all.

It's been an interesting summer we'll just say that.

All of my blog hiatuses start with a 'OMG HAAAY SO I WAS GOOONE FOR A WHIIIILE' but I'm not feeling that at the moment. I don't even know what to call it - the state I'm in, this lack of control, will be an on going thing, and I'm just now getting to a point where I can even write a good sentence. So here I am. Hello.

But! How are you? How was your summer? Is blogging even really a thing anymore? Can you recommend any good books for me to read cuz this reading dry spell is real. Also is anyone going to the Chicago Open House on the 18/19th? It looks stupid cool.

Updating isn't necessarily a priority, but I'll try to sneak back over every once in a while to give you a book to read or a story about aaaabsolutely nothing, as I do.

The Great, Amazing, Wonderful, and Spectacular MONTH OF MAY

I'm just now getting around to writing the wonder that was my birthday because I just cleaned my room. This is relevant. I promise. Just bear with me.

I'm not one to dub a birthday other than what it is - A DAY. Friends on Facebook love to talk about their birthday month like it's an actual thing. It's not. It's not an actual thing you guys, but this month I did a LOT. Most of it was birthday related! It made no sense! I'm gonna tell you about it because a lot of it was really cool. By the way everyone who has a birthday in May happens to be really amazing. Coincidence? NO. IT IS NOT.

Warning: this post will be long and I apologize but there are some moments I just have to gush. And gush I will. Because I'm 28 now.

Can I put it in bullets? I wish my life were laid out in bullets. Goodness.

• I got my hair did! in what's called Marley twists and they look preeeeeetty freakin' sweet. The girl who did them is/was crazy and I won't be seeing her again but I DID adventure all the way to Uptown and walked around in leggings (!!) and a t-shirt up and down Broadway. I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.
• I saw Kate like... 3 times in a week and a half because a) she took me to Big Star for one of the best meals ever and a nice long chat about life and babies and Groundhog Day. B) her youngest, Alba, turned 1! And we had more tacos* about it, and c) I watched her oldest, Sofia, dance and definitely NOT dance in her tiny tots dance class at Hubbard Street. I could pretty much see Kate daily and have it be the best day ever every day. I value her friendship as gold. 
• I'm gonna put periods on these bullet points because they are full sentences. CHECK IT.
• I spent my birthday with my BFF forever, my momma. We got pedicures, and bought shoes, and I got my mussels and fries for dinner! There is no food picture because I was feeling classy (or maybe I ate them all too fast).
• Downtown swanky sushi affairs happened. Okay 1 downtown swanky affair happened with some of the coolest co-workers (who don't know I never have anything new going on somehow). And after all the swank was swanked we went to Trader Joe's for pie. Yes. 
• UBER! I DISCOVERED THE HEAVEN LIKE WONDER THAT IS UBER. OOOWEE.

This is the part where I'm gonna gush about the Kinfolk dinner for a few paragraphs. Okay, thanks. 

Kinfolk Chicago dinner. *exhales* I don't even have enough words to articulate how cool this was. I decided on a pure whim to buy a ticket to a thing I've never been and I'm so glad I did. I had the pleasure of meeting Amanda Jones, co-founder of Kinfolk, design role model of mine and Instagram queen, her husband, Cree, and her baby, Jane. The weird thing about blogging and Instagram is when you meet someone you admire you already know a TON about them right off the bat, and they know SQUAT about you. So I played it slightly dumb and asked her husband for his name and was like, "Ohhh your baby is cuuute what is her naaame?" while inwardly I'm like, "OMG IT'S CREE AND JANE, IT'S CREE AND JANE, HI CREE AND JANE - HIIIII!" Amanda is super sweet and loves Gilmore Girls. I tried to get her to come home with me but it didn't work. Not sure why.

The theme of the night was "The Spirit of the Sea" and the food was themed to match. Really, it was just a chance to mingle and network a bit - a thing I am not the best at. I did meet some pretty awesome people in the little 2 hour window, though. An architect, a billion event planners, a restaurant event assistant, art teachers - just the coolest people ever. And me. The only black girl there. I am my mother's daughter. Among the swirling mass of late 20's there were 2 (TWO) over 40 ladies there who were my absolute favorite. They found out where I worked and called me a celebrity. They do whatever they dang well please and go where ever they like and the intimidation of the 20-something hipster did not daunt them. I have made them my role models. Did I mention that was the coolest thing I've done in forever? THE COOLEST. Oh! and the cafe we had dinner at was right next to the Robie House built by Frank Lloyd Wright. No big deal. I had to tell myself to play it cool a LOT.

I'm pretty proud though, because through the whole thing I was myself. I didn't feel like I was trying to insert myself into the Hyde Park way of living. I can't compare myself to everyone else all the time. For one thing, it's tiring! There is a niche for me, exactly as I am, somewhere in this world, right? Yes. Back to the bullets.

• I went on an architectural boat tour of the city with my most goodest friend, Anisha. It was cold and there were A LOT of pre-pubescant children but we survived. I also miss her face already.
• I witnessed a homeless man try to attack someone with a tiny axe. It did not end well for the homeless man because the guy he attacked seemed like he knew Krav Maga. Pretty sure...
• My niece graduated high school, and my whole entire family got to be there, which was GREAT. It's rare that we all get together. We went out to eat afterwards, it was just a really nice time. Also I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to enroll in the same university as Autumn - I'm just trying for some Financial Aid at the moment. Small hurdles! 
• I had my first semi-surprise party! Yeah! I was supposed to meet up with a friend in Naperville and it ended up being my friend AND like 4 other friends, we got ice cream, and Starbucks, naturally, and they gave me a few presents! Seriously it was the sweetest thing. Also, I told my mom this and she cried (happy tears?!) like I told her she won the lottery. Can someone explain this to me?

Things I've learned a bit: it's kind of nice to be celebrated every once in a while. I like making a person feel like they matter, who doesn't want to feel like they matter in this ridiculous world? Buuut I also have little regard for myself or my well-being sometimes (all the time) so having someone say, "Hey! We like you and we're celebrating that," was actually uncomfortable. Stupid right? YEAH. I am very grateful for the people in my life, I feel so blessed and privileged, almost selfish, that I get to have them. 

Woo! Bring on 28. 

*I truly believe the world's problems can be solved over tacos. That is all.

2014 Anthem Songs

So it's March. That's pretty real and I'm not actually sure how to handle it properly because YESTERDAY was January 1st. Yesterday.

I've been meaning to post my "anthem" songs for the year because a) I love music and b) it's fun to have a song you can belt out boldly. For example, all of Beyoncé's album I belt out in my CAR because maybe I'm slightly uncomfortable yelling about skittles (omg) in front of my mother mmkay?

Happy - Pharrell

I think this song is GROSSLY overplayed but it's so dang catchy that I'm almost mad at it.



I do this dance a LOT.

Golden - Jill Scott

This is just... THE JAM FOREVER. 1. Jill Scott is flawless 2. I like the message of the song 3. Have I mentioned that I want to BE Jill Scott?

Imagine me doing the running man to this and may it bring you JOY. 

spring is coming

my living room at 10 this morning

Every day at 10AM we get about an hour of direct sunlight between apartments into each room. It's the con of apartment living, spending most of our day in the shade, but it's wonderful in the summer. We haven't had to buy an air conditioner yet because the heat of the day never reaches us. So I try not to complain too much. But when the light hits... it makes all the difference.

My little part of the world is finally thawing and melting a bit; stretching its arms heavenward and working out all the winter kinks. Preparing to wake.


FINALLY I feel like spring is coming.

one.one.fourteen.

I'm so PUMPED about this year! I'm just… I can't even contain myself how excited I am about 2014. Did you know 14 is my favorite number? I'm the worst cuz 14 is the day I was born (in May) and I just glommed on to it and every other derivative of 7 but 14 is my homeboy. Every other year I've been pretty opposed to jumping on the diet bandwagon, ANY kind of bandwagon claiming it to be another day, another opportunity. While it is, I FEEL different this time. I feel like this is a good time to get things RIGHT for some reason.

I've realized a few things:

1. I want to do a lot. I have goals and a voice and I matter.

2. I CANNOT do this on my own and my need for God must outweigh everything else.

And that's it! I don't want this year to be a "I really wanna focus on ME…" year - meaning I want to really figure out what I want, what I need, what my body needs because at the end of the day it's very SELF centered and I don't want to be. If all my focus is on the one who made me then everything will fall into place. BAM. Simple as that!

Happy new year everyone! This year will be SPECTACULAR!

p.s. I'm gonna talk about God a ton more - if that causes me to lose readers well I only have 21 so… I'm not too bummed. Sometimes I really want to talk stuff out is all. So there is that.

Lookin' for Love

written on 7/31/2012

This was written right around the time right before I hit a low point and forgotten I'd written this at all. I wrote a draft post that roughly said "I'm sitting here in tears. I hate the way I look. I'm lost at my job. I've lost God. I'm not good enough." A speaker came to my church and spoke about the simplicity of God's love and really... something unlocked that day. I couldn't see it then, just how AMAZING God is and how He works, but this post was written after this speaker spoke. This really isn't me trying to force my beliefs down your throat this is just a reminder of how good God is to me. I need this reminder when I'm at my lowest, which is RIGHT NOW. 

My entire life I've wanted to be loved and to belong. I wanted to feel that completeness that comes with an enveloping kind of love. I like hugs, I like kissing, I communicate best through touch. I am forever jealous of married couples and people with boyfriends thinking I'm missing out on love that I don't understand and will never have.

I have always felt that I'm bad at relationships. With guys I focus on the physical part of love thinking that is what love is but coming up empty... but doing it anyway. With female friends I over do the emotional side of things, investing too much to where the relationship becomes one sided and I burn out quickly after realizing they were terrible people to become friends with in the FIRST place. I end up cutting off relationships I never should have started. It's a lot of wasted time.

In the last few years or so I've begun to think that I wasn't enough for God. I felt like I was seeking him out and seeking him out and coming up empty so I stopped trying. Obviously I wasn't good enough for God anymore, whatever I had done wasn't enough. Or maybe I just never actually found God in the first place... I hadn't really known Him so what was the point of seeking someone I didn't really know.

This is a lie. A huge lie. It took me a long time to figure that out.

I mention this phantom dude all the time like he's the true stigma of my life but he isn't. He is definitely a part of why I have felt ashamed and what seemed to clinch my distance from God. There was NO WAY I could ever be enough for God to love me. I claimed to not even know what love was... or how God could love me so... all encompassing. That couldn't be real. All the while I would push feelings away because it was stupid to feel things. I'm so awesome at this. When I thought about saying sorry all I thought about was getting all emotional and saying "I'M SO SORRAAAYYYYYY" and that made me not even want to say anything.

Sitting at church tonight, listening to speaker Jeremy Pearsons, he broke things down in such a simple way, which apparently... is the only way my brain responds to. 1 plus 1. He said true repentance doesn't have to be snotting up the front alter of your church, swimming in a baptism pool full of your own tears. Repentance is replacing your thinking with God's. It's when you stop relying on YOU to get things done and putting all the pressure on YOU to do it when... there's freedom when you trust in God.

The most SIMPLE thing he said but the most freeing was that God loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME. I am loved. Inside and out up and down and when I suck and when I feel ashamed God loves me. All day long. When I'm sleep and when I'm awake and when I'm not acknowledging his presence He loves me. I get to be rooted in it. It's the type of root that connects me to God and unlocks his presence and his promises for me. It also frees me from the pressure of... trying to lose weight alone. Getting ahead in my job alone. Getting a husband. Having a family. Securing a future. These are not things I have to worry about! Because of His love I am made into His righteousness and THAT'S ALL I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT!

HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS BEFORE?! Even if I lose sight of Him I can think over and over in my brain "He loves me! He loves me! My Father loves me." It's a flower with limitless petals that all say "He loves me."

hello world, this is me.

Yeah I did just break my 2 month blogging hiatus with a millennium hit but don't judge.

I feel like I owe an explanation. (read: rambling for a while)

I don't really owe anyone anything I can do what I want, but for as long as I've been mentally writing this very post in my head I actually want to GIVE an explanation now.

My blog isn't popular by any stretch of the imagination. For the 20 or so people this reaches I really enjoy writing random stuff about being single, about every life stuff, about God, about anything at all but for the past 2 months I didn't feel like doing anything. I could totally say that I'm coming out of a rough patch and I'm finally seeing the sunshine again but that is... a load of "blog speak."

Real life? Being single SUUUUCKS.

I've gone from totally "adventuring" it up to really not enjoying it at all. It's very stressful and lonely and definitely hard to relate to your friends who no longer have time for petty things like... whining. I mean there was a stretch of time where all I did was cry about random things. No joke! Tears. Every day for like 2 weeks. I couldn't control it. It was NUTS.

In the stretch of time (definitely after the crying) I've been doing a few things.
1) I joined the choir at church. This seems like a small thing but it is HUGE for me. I don't want to be SEEN at church - so much so that people think I actively hate them at church. How... HOW?! That still boggles my brain but I joined the choir anyway and I FREAKING LOVE IT. I'm not sure how I had it figured in my head but I thought everyone was going to be really mean. But they aren't! It turns out I'm ridiculous almost all of the time when I "figure things out in my head." I really love singing, but it's more than that I love WORSHIPPING God. If singing creates an emotional connection try adding God into the mix. It's like... a whole different level that makes me want to burst into tears every time I sing.

2) I got a baking apprenticeship. The details are very fuzzy and I'm still kind of scared to dive in, but it is there... waiting for me to learn about baking in an ACTUAL kitchen of an ACTUAL business.

3) I've been losing weight. I don't enjoy talking about weight because it kills my self discipline but I can't be stopped. No I CAN be stopped by Mexican Coke and Peanut Butter M&M's and laziness? But I write off the day and continue on to the next and so far I've lost about 30 pounds. That is more I've ever consecutively lost in my LIFE. It scares me a lot, and I have a long, long way to go, but it helps to have a friend who helps/yells/encourages you every step of the way. I wouldn't have gotten here without Maranda - real talk. But! I've finally realized I wouldn't have gotten here without MYSELF either.

So that's me right now. I think I'm going to stop SLW's for the time being. Maybe I'll change it to Single Lady Lives or something... I dunno. I'm not thinking about it too hard. It's interesting that at 27 I'm still figuring out how to be a normal person. Life's weird.

not fatherless - a response to Father's Day in general

Sometimes I really hate Father's Day. Or maybe I just hate the combination of Father's Day and Facebook. Dad's who don't have a Facebook page get lots of love and adoration and praise for being the BEST father and giving the BEST advice when in reality I bet your dad is pretty okay. Okay granted there are some dads out there who are kind of super heroes but it's like GEEZE. ALL of your dads are flawless?? Ha. I'm bitter a bit.

Maybe I'm bitter cuz I wanted to write a post that said, "Well my dad skipped out on my family and left us in a state that took us 12 years to START to recover from. It's been pretty great. We can't go on vacations because there's never enough money, but you have fun in Jamaica with your new wife, Dad. No seriously, bottom of my heart, I mean it." But  you can't do that... well you can but then the little judgements start to roll in. But what I said up there is the truth. My dad chose to leave our family and take shelter with a different one and live his life when I was 13. And this is the story of a lot of the women in my family, unfortunately.

I also wanted to write that I have found men that have taken his place and shown me what it means to be a real man and I have in a way. I found Mr. Eadie, who passed away, who showed me consistency and stability and a rock solid kind of love. I found Mr. Woods (my niece and nephew's grandfather) who showed kindness and protectiveness over a family he's not actually related to. I found Mr. Dickson who just hugged me when I needed it most, which is HUGE, and gave me fatherly, Godly advice when he had no idea he was doing so. If I look hard enough there are a lot of fathers that have made a little room for me in their life and I'm truly grateful.

Being on Facebook on Father's Day kind of renewed the stigma (in my mind) that being a kid of divorce, or a kid of a single mom is a bad thing. It isn't! It makes you resilient to life and while you don't have a constant male figure in your life it doesn't mean you don't know what a good one looks like. You're able to be perceptive to what a man of standard is and what a broke ass, broke down man is. It doesn't mean you're less loved by any stretch, nor does it mean the father that left doesn't love you. I know my dad loves me - he's an idiot and I would relish the chance to punch him ONE GOOD TIME - but he loves me. And I have a Heavenly one who takes care of me at all cost, so much more than I realize.

Never assume you're not loved is what I'm saying. To the kids without dads, you're loved beyond imagine. We're not damaged, we're not BROKEN, we're simply loved.

on my birthday

Today is my birthday and for the first time in my life I'm working on it cuz I forgot to ask off. It's been a pretty good day so far! The sun is brilliant and it's 90 degrees out, it decided summer was TODAY and I am accepting that! It's nice getting well wishes at work it's like having a hundred family members tell you happy birthday. I'm really in it for the hugs. Let's be real.

I'm 27. What IS that!? It's so... it's so WEIRD. It's a non-age to me. Not almost 30... DEFINITELY past 25... just... in the middle. bein' floaty and weird. I'm not so much panicking about my age but more about the things I'd like to DO. Actually, I do freak out about  my age every year at about 11:34 the night before and usually impulse buy some things. Last night I applied for a passport. What if I want to have mussels and fries in Monaco or find tickets on Kayak for a deal I just can't pass up and I need to go to Australia to replenish/fuel my Cherry Ripe obsession?! *sigh* These are things I think about.

Every year I think I psych myself up that THIS YEAR is gonna be the YEAR and... I wait for the YEAR to do something awesome to ME not the other way around. I started out today with maybe the best workout ever as a standard for how I want things to be now. No more talking. Much more doing. So I apologize if I don't say as much about things I'm doing it's cuz I want to DO them and not just spout off stuff that sits dormant. I'm pretty annoyed with myself about that. I keep talking about it.

I'm kinda apprehensive about this year, this age. I have no idea what's around the bend for me but I'm ready for it. Ready to carve out a niche for myself in this world, finally. I'm excited for more adventures to share with you all. More Bake Days with good friends. Ready for more Single Lady Wednesdays. And just maybeee I'm ready for a relationship... Doesn't mean it'll happen but I think I'm becoming more ready for that.

BUT. I WILL tell you my birthday gift. A CUISINART ICE CREAM MAKER. ICE CREAM ALL THE THINGS. Here's to many ice cream recipes with bacon. Maybe the next bake day could be a homemade ice cream social in the summer... eh?? Rieeeeeeght?!?

Tomorrow is my annual birthday pilgrimage downtown to get a sundress from Forever 21 (don't judge the downtown one has an awesome section for girls like me), a birthday drink from Argo Tea, and LUSH STUUUUUFF. And maybe a slice of Icebox Cake from Magnolia Bakery. Okay DEFINITELY a slice of Icebox Cake from Magnolia Bakery.

Thank you, again, for all the well wishes today. You guys are kinnnnd of my favorite people on the planet. 

ventures

I downloaded the Air BnB app recently and it was a mistake. I stumbled upon this tiny little tree house in Vermont in the picture above gave me the travel bug. It's a TREE HOUSE. that you can STAY IN. with a BED. and they serve you BREAKFAST. I about died.

That led me to the realization that I need to take a vacation. I never go anywhere... The whole work/life balance is more or less work/work/work/imminent death alone. I'm always baffled when people are like 'yeah I'll see you guys in a week! Headed to Florida/California/TREEHOUSE IN THE WOODS' and I'm like 'WHUT NOW!?' My family has never made time for a work/life balance cuz it made no sense and money wasn't ever there. It's not normal for me to take time off for ME. It took me figuring out I have 2 weeks of vacation time stored up cuz I NEVER TAKE A DAY OFF and it woke me up a little bit.

I just kinda want to get away and do stuff I wanna do. Then come back. Like visit Portland to visit the original Stumptown Coffee and eat lavender ice cream and maybe find Abi Porter so we can be best friends and basically be the MOST hipster I can be for a week without judgement. I want to vacation with friends but that is too hard to orchestrate - by the time it's planned out I'll have 80 more hours of vacation time stored up so I was thinking about doing a solo trip.

But really... is this a good idea? Is vacationing alone a sham? Has anyone ever vacationed alone? Is it a bad idea for a person like me? (me meaning... semi introverted)

THOUGHTS!

p.s. - yes. this post is tagged 'quarter life crisis' real life.
p.p.s. - I'm listening to so much Beyoncé right now. So. Much.

catching up again

It always seems that this blog has a lull and I have to update you on my life for the past few months and I apologize about that. I'm still in the process of unpacking things here at the new place and while my mom is forcing herself to do a box a day I am... not forcing myself to do... much at all. Subsequently there are a lot of boxes in my room staring at me ominously from the corner. They whisper terrible things at night about organization.

Some cool single lady things have happened. I am a lady that gets her nails done on the regular (always referencing Missy Elliot) and I go to the gym! What now?! Remember that one time I was all like DOWN WITH GYMS and then I figured out that was just my early onset terminal laziness taking over my life. I won't really be talking about that all that much since I also happen to be... all talk. If you didn't know that well at least now you know. I'm notorious for saying all the things I'm gonna do, wanna do, need to do, and then sitting on my butt and watch opportunities pass.

What is that?! Oh. That's my early onset terminal laziness. It should really be a clinical disease.

So much is around the corner! My birthday (which I'm really thinking about just NOT having and seeing what happens there...) and a few friends who are with child are delivering THIS MONTH. May really is the best month ever.

With the sunny days should come more posts hopefully. I just haven't felt like writing and/or the writing I do put out was really biting and passive aggressive. No idea where it came from but at least I had enough sense to not publish the stuff.

In the mean time, I overload people's life on Twitter and Instagram so pop on over there, abbyblujay is the name on both (duh).

Happy 80 degree day!

growing up

I didn't intend to write this... I thought of going with a funny one today for you guys. Then I got jury duty and my whole day changed. Barf.

We'll start with a tiny bit of history.

I stay pretty surface with almost everyone I know except my family. I've never really known how to navigate emotions and hard conversations with anything but bursting into tears and advanced avoidance skills. I complain a lot about not having friends and that comes from under developed social skills paired with being overly eager in the beginning stages of friendship.

I remember in being 8th grade and sitting with who I thought were my best friends in the world and the teacher asked each of us if our best friends were here. I was the only one who responded yes. The other two responded no pretty quickly. Inwardly I FLIPPED out. How did I know them so little all of a sudden? It was like I was talking to strangers. The friendship never made it to high school. This happened over and over and over again until I realized I could stop talking to people. Oh happy day! When things got a little too real I cut it off expertly. Granted, I hung out with the STUPIDEST people sometimes (probably to not have to delve and find quality people) but when I was done, I was done. They were idiots. I was pretty adamant about telling others about their stupidity.

How incredibly childish of me. Did I mention I was in college when a lot of this happened?? In reality I didn't know how to navigate relationships very well. I didn't realize this until TODAY.

I'm stubborn and opinionated and eager to please and still scared by my own emotions sometimes. Friends that I know are good people are becoming annoying and petty to me because while THEY are evolving and growing I am not. I haven't recognized growth in myself enough to navigate the evolution of relationships. I've never even had a close friend longer than a few years - it's usually after a couple years when the relationship changes and that's when I cut it off. How... have I not seen this?! It took me complaining to a friend to break the news to me that... hey we're growing up and maybe it's time to face the fact that this isn't an area of expertise for you (though I claim it is... WOMP), lay it bare and go from there. Instead of retreating, like I'm currently doing in one friendship, I should probably communicate more.

Pretty sure I thought friendship was sunshine and roses and sharing and secrets and hair braiding and hugs. A friendship IS a relationship - I've been holding the two apart for as long as I can remember. Having real conversations is admitting things aren't 100% rosy and that is a weird thing for me to face.

So I'm gonna try to... be a normal person and communicate even when it's uncomfortable. A lot of my life lessons lately have been surrounding communication and action. It. is. the. pits.

New

New Years is like the ultimate clean slate. I know it is just another day that I'm living but it's actually a pretty great thing that the year starts OVER. Otherwise you feel stuck on this path you'll never deviate from - have you ever had that feeling?

Looking back at my short list of attainable goals I actually did a lot of those! Which makes me feel great because somehow... I thought I was stuck in THIS year where I made goals that... honestly were way too much. I wanted to punch myself in the face at the end of that year.

This past year was filled with good things like the beginning of Single Lady Wednesday and embracing my singleness instead of treating it like leprosy - that I needed to be secluded from society until marriage. I also met JOY THE FREAKIN BAKER in real life and gave her a hug. Sometimes we tweet each other. Sometimes we don't. All in a day's work. I also baked for my first. ever. WEDDING. Oh man I'm still kind of on a high from that one... woo...

Also Target happened. We will never forget.

Towards the end of this year I kept waiting for something... anything to happen. Watching friends become wives, wives become mothers, friends moving away... and I just sat... and waited for life to happen. Instead life passed me by a bit. By the time I realized it - it turns out I'm deep in laziness and self neglect. If I want something to happen I have to actually make it happen and not be afraid because it actually involves some pain.

I only have 2 goals this year but they pertain to a lot of areas in my life.

Tell myself "no."
I need to build a LOAD of self discipline. So when I find myself staying up too late, it's time to say no. When I'm craving Portillo's for the second time that week, it's time to tell myself no. Want a giant Coke? Nope. Sorry! I am unfortunately a huge believer in the TREAT YO'SELF system which roughly states "Any time you do something remotely hard you must reward yourself with something tasty" so...

...this is going to suck.

Tell myself "yes."
Yes to dreaming at all... dreaming anything and everything. Yes to making those dreams happen, yes to more single lady adventures, yes to motivation and yes to being open.

This is equally as difficult because I am a watcher. I observe. I can be laughing with you and joking with you but I really haven't SAID anything. I sneak by in life a lot that way, but I really want to take the time to get to KNOW people and have people know who I am. I want to have people of value in my life - which means it's time to put my foot down about who I hang out with.

Here's to a happy, healthy, new year!

Winston

Everyone? Meet my newest little friend, Winston. I've never had a cat before and so far he's really cute... and really spoiled. He wants to cuddle no joke ALL THE TIME and he sleeps on your collar bone. He's 8 weeks old and he has a cold so he sneezes. It's quite possibly the cutest thing alive. Real talk? He's kind of a jerk. Like... when you have a kid and you love them so much but they're the most obnoxious jerky people as toddlers? It's like that. We're definitely getting used to each other.  

Find me on Instagram at abbyblujay for more photos of Winston... probably every day forever. 

What to do when you have to poop at Target

1. You ignore it. You keep walking, picking up that knitted throw blanket with interest. There is no urge. I don't even know what poop IS.

2. You start running through aisles knocking everything into your cart that you think you need, but have totally forgotten cuz all you can think is that you need to poop. "I HAVE TO GET EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. AND TAKE IT HOME. DO I NEED THESE DOG TREATS?! I DON'T HAVE A DOG BUT I'M GONNA GET THEM. *keeps running* JUST GET IT IN MY HOUSE AND RUN TO THE BATHROOM."

3. You stop randomly in the middle of aisles, just WILLING your intestines to not feel what they're feeling.

4. You justify it. You're a grown woman. THIS is a NATURAL part of LIFE for Pete's sake! You walk briskly to the bathroom before you poop your pants because this is an actual thing that may happen at any moment.

5. When another woman walks in and does the same thing you think, "I don't judge you. We are kindred. We are HUMANS. This is natural. HUZZAH TO YOU."

6. You continue shopping leisurely, contemplating whether or not to get BOTH colors of washi tape. And you do... you do.

** this may or not be a real story based off my life

Dealing.

I grew up 8 and 10 years apart from my older siblings. By the time I came into the world they were kinda growing out of the playmate stage. Subsequently I spent a lot of time around my mom until I was about 4 and we met the Lofton & Catchings family. They both had a 5 year old (Kelli and Kevin) and a 1 year old (Kaleb and Krystal) and I was in HEAVEN. Playmates! Our families kind of… amoeba morphed together and you couldn't tell where one family started and ended. Looking back I had classic "middle child" syndrome being that no one was really my age, but no matter, I was just happy to be somewhere people enjoyed my company for real. We ended up at the same grammar school and for the most part the same high school. Besides my actual family, they have been truer family to me than anyone. They know me and I know them... inside and out. I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't call the parents my Uncles and Aunties and the kids cousins or my brothers and sisters. 

The sudden loss of Kaleb (at 23 years old) this past Monday… shook me to my center. I didn't cry right away but I couldn't focus. It was like… my ears were ringing continually and my vision wouldn't correct. My brain has developed a way of coping with situations - basically it pushes it OUT of my brain so it doesn't exist and I don't have to deal with it. It PROBABLY isn't healthy? But honestly it helps me to keep moving. And that's all I think is KEEP. MOVING. But my brain can't move past it because it keeps reminding me of what happened while at the same time trying to push it out of my brain… and it knows I have to deal with it. 

I truly cannot understand it. Every time I think about it I shake my head no involuntarily because I can't... make any sense of it. I haven't really told anyone about because I can't make my mouth form the words. 

Kaleb is my family, he's my brother... the Catchings family is part of my heart and even though I'm dealing with it in my own way doesn't make me any less family or any less devastated. People mistake my quietness for passiveness at times.

My comfort has been that I get the privilege of seeing Kaleb again in Heaven cuz I know it's a real place. I feel like it's a phrase that gets passed off until a passing but I haven't been more sure about much in my life - I KNOW where he's at and that gives me hope to hold on to. 

Kaleb, I love you. I will see you again. 

A.

summer sickness

What is it about summer that makes the worst colds descend on you? I'm out sick today with swollen glands and a voice that apparently sounds like I'm on helium according to my co-workers. It is definitely NOT a sexy cold voice. But it makes no sense at least to me... If I'm gonna HAVE a cold I kind of want it to BE cold outside. It's only a balmy 105 here in Flossmoor and that is STUPID.

So I might have done a couple things. The first thing was... put on a flowy maxi skirt and a striped t-shirt to go to the store... and no underwear. Has anyone else done this when running to the store? I mean I was gonna be out for approximately 15 minutes and that skirt might be the one thing I'm going to live in ALL SUMMER soooo I feel no shame. The second thing was buy Snickers ice cream bars unabashedly. I never buy them! Ever! So what better time to get them when sick?! And they were on sale! Imagine if I were sick... and had to buy them... and they WEREN'T on sale!

My logic is clearly sound here. Not clouded at all by swollen glands & swollen nasal passages... and Sudafed Severe Cold & Sinus which seems to be... a very potent formula as I am now drowsy.

Stay cool today! It is seriously so hot it's beyond sense. What a good excuse to buy Snickers ice cream bars!!