I feel like I've been waiting for my life to begin for a long time.
Being overweight you tend to think life, actual real and fun life, really starts moving after you lose weight. I have compartmentalized my brain into a before and after situation except the "after" has never happened. It's like being in a constant state of almost... or like I've made myself a time capsule. Jeans in the closet 8 sizes too small... your "after" pants. Shoes in the closet that pinch and will never fit... your "after" shoes because supposedly you lose weight in your feet as well. Even friends that I will admit maybe I have a crush on, I expect them to see me (like how cool I actually am or something?!) after I "lose the weight." But currently I have a hard time keeping eye contact for fear people will ACTUALLY see me.
I realize I'm constantly moving myself forward and holding myself back at the same time creatively. The phrase "you're your biggest critic" is compounded because I'm an artist. Or I was one. Creative types are crazy hard on themselves and I've let fear of failure completely overtake the fact that I love art. Going to the MoMA in New York this past October broke me down a bit. I miss the creative side of myself - it's been replaced with cynicism and a critical nature. I see other artists explore keep their sense of wonder, that distinctive inquisitiveness artists have, and I just get LIVID. Where'd mine go?? Did I LET it go?!
This past year was probably one of the best years I've ever had, oddly enough. The world had a CRAP FILLED year but in the middle of that I traveled for the first time alone. I took a risk at work that paid off. I tried something new and went to friggin CrossFit. I like myself more than I ever have and it's led me here. At home without pants on realizing things late at night. Heh.
I am enough. Here in this space where I find myself still single and now SUPER hating it. Where I feel like my journey has barely started. I'm ENOUGH.
I'm tired of thinking I'll get married when I've lost weight. Whoever finds me and loves me needs to know me here and now as I am. You know, that's a simple thought... that I've literally NEVER had until now. I'm giving you an awkward smile. I don't do a lot, there's some stuff I honestly can't do like tie my shoes. Or bend over. And that's embarrassing to admit because that's some fundamental stuff! But me right now can't do that because I'm overweight and I hope it won't always be like that. But for now... let my future someone bend over and tie my damn shoes for me. Now this creative rut I've been in is part of a deeper issue, old hurts and shame I've put in a backpack and carried with me. I've got to let it go. There's a couple things I've got to let go. Let go of my stupid "what ifs," my "after" pants and shoes, and just... accept myself where I am right now and let me be enough for the first time in my life. And see what happens. I'm giving you a thumbs up along with the awkward smile.