I made a mistake. I've been reading, slightly embarrassingly, this book about how "It's Not You" in terms of being single. It's by Sara Eckel and it's just dispelling the thoughts every single person has. "I'm too picky" or "I'm not trying hard enough" or "I'm too sad" or "I'm too focused on my career." It makes you feel like a normal human again and even helps you skirt past single shaming questions of "why are you single?" and "what's wrong with you?" with the response of "well, why are you married?" and "leave me alone." It was an insightful book with a lot of laugh out loud moments and some moments that made me FREAK. OUT.
For example: she meets her husband at 41 *gulps and moves on* and has to come to terms with the fact that she can either choose to have biological children or wait for the one. I stopped, put the book down, and went in a corner and cried for a while, because at 27 it never crossed my mind that I may not marry until well into my 40's or 50's and way past child bearing age. I want a literal brood of children, I've always wanted a lot of kids and that just... rocked my world. It's something I'm not ready to come to terms with yet. Hence all the tears and I KNOW I know. It's weird of me to freak out about something that hasn't even happened yet, events that haven't come to pass at ALL but! It IS something that hit me square in the face with a bit of reality.
I always think about Rachel, Jacob's wife, who prayed and prayed and prayed for a son only for her to finally have one and give him right back to God. I don't even know if I would have the strength to do that, but I do know that God hears me when I pray and I just need to trust him. Even while I continue to freak the heck out.
Also I think I'm gonna stop reading "self-help" books for... forever. and maybe just go live at church.