Wednesday, March 12, 2014

SLW: the lady doctor

Oh yes. We're about to go there.

I have read a few funny accounts of going to the gynecologist and they're all full of expletives. Who can blame them because you're effin naked in front of an effin stranger getting felt up. Things get real is all. 

Nurse: "Do you wanna get screened for HIV or any STD's?"
Me: "...Dooo you have to have sex to get those?"
Nurse: "Um. Yeah."
Me: "Mmkaythen noo."

This is my yearly bout of action I get - the closest to a "good time" I've ever been. Really, my doctor is super nice and very to the point, which in gynecology is a blessing. (I feel like small talk should just be banned until your fingers are OUT of my insides.)

"Have you ever fainted from the... Ya know... Odor down there?" I ponder silently. I tried to all but plant a rose garden in my Netherlands this morning. There is a special place in Heaven for people that willingly stick their face inches from hundreds of genitals that may smell really terrible for medical reasons. It's a really clean place in Heaven. Odorless. Lots of clouds. 

I always end up in fits of uncontrollable laughter mostly because the entire thing, while it's wholly medical, is also wholly ridiculous. The nurse points to the gown and says, "Opening to the front," and I was down for at least a minute when she left. While on the table, normal conversation is just... very much inhibited by the fact that her hands are on my boobs yet she's congratulating me on losing weight since I've seen her last. I opened my mouth to ask her out for maybe some coffee since we're so close but I thought against it. 

"Maybe I can qualify this as 'Go on a date' for my resolutions for this year..." 

1 comment:

  1. OMG LOLZ.

    My lady doctor has one of those cat posters on the ceiling above the examination table. You know, the kind where the kitty is desperately hanging on to some sort of railing and in white script it says "Hang in there!" with a Bible verse underneath about God's perfect timing.




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