Wednesday, January 6, 2010

finding my way... AGAIN.

On a completely different note I'm trying to not be such a lazybones. I'm trying to lose weight without actually DOING anything haha. I haven't read my Bible or done devotions for a WHILE and I don't know why! All I do is beat myself up over being a horrible person. I also kinda feel like I've messed up for the last time... like I can't come back... I've done it too many times before. But that's pride right? You get knocked down and have the nerve to STAY down?! so get back up already!!!

I think I'm waiting for the flashing lights and the emotional connection to happen where I suddenly realize that Jesus loves me beyond all my idiot tendencies but... I think after a while... Jesus is still where He was before and YOU have to realize all by yourself and just do it. No flashing lights, clanging symbols or harps from the Heavenlies.

a while later...
hello again. While, in my debate whether to eat a bag of Lays or eat a bag of Doritos I realized something. No, that's wrong I didn't realize anything, I made a choice to get Harold's Chicken on Sunday hahaha. *wipes tear* That's funny.

I find myself in these debates with myself over food. I mean like knock down, super extra long mind WAR with myself over um, food. I love food. No, I LOVE food. I love the craft of it, the art of it. I love watching someone bite into it and immediately say, "mmmmm...." I love when I do that, too. I love good food. I could literally gush about food for another 16 paragraphs and not say everything I love ABOUT. FOOD!

I also know, as previously aforementioned, that I'm being lazy right now with Jesus. Laziest Christian award goes to... by unanimous vote: Abby. Then as quietly it clicked. No Jesus + food problems GO HAND IN HAND!!! Can you see them? They're skipping together down the sidewalk. So I realize why I've been struggling with this all my life. I haven't truly surrendered that part of myself to God. I can encourage you til the cows come home and teach a baby Bible class with my eyes closed. While upside down. Being tickled.

I have no will when it comes to food because I've never thought of it as an actual spiritual thing I needed to deal with. I mean I did but I didn't. Does that make sense? OK. Now that I've just bared my deepest, darkest secret to the entire world I guess I can take action now. My life just doesn't work without Jesus... which is GREAT. and it sucks hahaha

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