m-i-c-k-e-yyyy m-o-u-s-eeee

YesterdayI went with my mom to the grocery store to get Thanksgiving food. We ended up going to Aldi and Moo & Oink which during the holidays is the height of G.C. (G.C. being the strip of stores on 183rd from Kedzie to Pulaski). It was madness. Aldi wasn't so bad actually it was pretty normal, but Moo & Oink was an experience. It wasn't scary or anything it was just crowded. There were greens on sale and apparently EVERYONE forgot to get a bag to put them in so EVERYONE went to get one including me when my mom asked. Then I started towards her (she was already at the front of the line) and I got dirty looks from everyone thinking I was jumping the line. So I went around had to hurdle a giant stack of greens in boxes just to wiggle and stretch my arm to touch my moms coat. I felt like I was trying to get to Jesus just touch the hem of his garment and I'll be healed. So I finally reached her while leaning over this box of greens and like THREW this plastic bag at her, as hard as a plastic bag can be thrown, and ran away. We kept shopping and they started playing Marvin Gaye's song "Sexual Healing" in the store haha. Well that just... loosened every person up and pretty much everyone was singing including the dingy old guys with 6 teeth collectively and 4 of them are gold. So my mom was like, "Oohhh we gotta leave" haha.

The moral of the story is:
Don't cut in line or BE cut
Marvin Gaye songs are too much for grocery stores.

:0)

my my my

A friend just told me how different things are from just 1 year ago.

Couldn't. Agree. More.

In my own life things are... like... I can't even describe them! haha a year ago I was busy up to my eyeballs and spiraling... literally spiraling... yearbook the soul sucker itself was taking up my life and I was trying to create pieces that just WOULDN'T come. And that was when I decided some people were so crazy I needed counseling. Which is odd! Since THEY were crazy and I was not. All the same. It ended up helping and not helping at the same time. Well let's just say it helped more than hurt and I made a friend.

Last year I had a friend... and got a few more... and a couple more... all the while being eaten alive and not even knowing it. I was pretty much clinically depressed for a good chunk of January. No one knew why and I couldn't tell them... and then things eventually EXPLODED. and here i am today... graduated, JOBLESS, and virtually healed from all scars from last year.

Not all things are horrible now... there are still bad moments especially thinking I'm a failure... yesterday was a bad day. sometimes I feel like there is some aspect of my life that I'm living completely wrong... so God won't give me a job until I get that right. Or I've done something wrong and I can't get a job... and I know the economy's bad but people still have JOBS. Ya know? And I pray for a friend instead of gaining friends that destroy me.. which is where I was a year ago on the way to certain destruction. When things fell apart I thought I was BEING destroyed but God had to break it in order for me to actually come through it.

So you never know why things are the way they are or why they seem to fall apart at the exact moment you need them NOT to but God has a plan. it may not be clear to you at that moment... or 3 months after or 6 years after but it's there. That plan will be amazing.

And then again it comes down to TRUST GOD. me... with the trust issues... maybe if I stop seeing God as a man. I think of guys as someone who will eventually let me down. I think I just hit the heart of the matter.

there there baby it's just textbook stuff

Sorry folks I got sidetracked yesterday and felt like I needed to write that blog that I may copy into my LJ later on. But here is the blog no one is waiting for but I have been in anticipation of...

LOTR: FOTR TTT & ROTK and how they pertain to my mother.

I love my mom... she's my favorite person in the whole wide world. But uhh my mom has a small problem... she has specific movies she identifies with and they change about every... 10 years. First it was Dances with Wolves. She was SO obsessed with that movie. I mean she learned the Native American phrases. For example when I was little she gave me a cookbook with written recipes in it. Well I guess she forgot it was a cookbook at one time because the first page, not EVEN the first page the thicker page beFORE all the pages start, had Dances with Wolves in phonetic Native American in it. Yay memories!

Then it was Braveheart. When my mom gets nostalgic she'll bring that up and how she watched most of the movie from the kitchen (granted the kitchen was around a couple corners) because she can't take blood and gore and dying, ya know, the stuff Braveheart is based on. She loves that movie though and every time it runs on TNT she goes, "OH!... OH I LOVE THAT MOVIE! I watched it from the KITCHEN..." *12 hours later* "OH... BRAVEHEART I LOVE IT."

And now it's Lord of the Rings. It absolutely changed her life. I'm serious that movie was LIFE changing for my mother. The first one we watched in the theatre she had a hat pulled over her eyes for the better portion of 3 hours. The second one... more of the same and by the third one she was so entranced there were just constant tears.

Now everything she sees... a grassy hillside... someone with a long beard... medieval war attire... giant trees... she compares to the Shire, Gandalf, Lord of the Rings and an Ent. At first it was funny being caught up in the magic of the movie and it's fantasy world of AWESOME then it just got annoying because here we are a whole 5 YEARS after the third (not even the first!) movie premiered and she still references LOTR every chance she gets. And I'm serious not a day goes by without a reference. We were watching House Hunters! And it came up... and they were in ITALY! That hillside does NOT look like the Shire, Mom!

*sigh...* I finally stopped to ponder WHY she does this... at first I just came up with the conclusion my mother is in fact crazy with a capital C and Z for effect. Then I remembered why she likes movies like these. They are filled with heroic men and women who full of honor and gusto and umph. She loves people with honor they, to her, are the perfect example of how people should live. Have you ever met anyone along the lines of Aragorn or the guy in Dances with Wolves? Didn't think so... so she holds onto images in movies and they give her hope of people actually acting like that in real life. And I think she knows God has a personality like that... so instead of coming off looking crazy she just... is brilliant. As usual.

Smoking is bad for you okay?

I was laying... lying... um... in bed last night just thinking... mostly about how I couldn't fall asleep and how my room is an icebox but i started thinking about this guy i used to like. He was just... a nice guy not particularly good looking (honestly) but just... really NICE. and i fell. hard. and it was a spiral. It was bad... I swear if I could have qualified for the show "Intervention" I would have been the main candidate up for nomination among my friends. Eventually things happened they were minor in the large scale but major enough for ME to pretty much spiral out of control. So I did... MAJORLY but inwardly I figured no one wanted to hear about it so I never said anything about what actually happened, which is really what did me in.

It took me about 3 years to move past everything and I was talking to him one day and I realized, "Oh my gosh he's top 3 in the world's dumbest people... I'M AN IDIOT!" haha He was going absolutely no where with his life... he dated girls long term then dumped them as soon as something happened (usually a change of address which happened often for him) and he dropped out of college and SUCKED absolutely sucked at life in general. And still I clung to this guy like a leech! A HUNGRY leech.

That is when I finally woke up, like a hammer to the head dropped by God Himself, and asked myself how much I enjoyed being wanted, loved (i thought), thought about? The answer was a lot. Then I asked myself how much I actually liked the guy I fell for. Yeah that answer was a lot less than the one above. How did I not get that before? 3.7 GPA gets you nowhere in the world haha

I know so many people who fall in love with the feeling of belonging somewhere finally finding that person that makes them feel like themself then spend the rest of the relationship either fighting, trying to change the other person or seriously fooling themselves into thinking they belong together when everyone else is telling you with giant sized signs "RUN THE HECK AWAY!!!" *insert Finding Nemo quote here*

Why fool yourself for the rest of your life? I mean I was well on my way to Fool Town population - well actually the population is massive but thats not the point - until I made it a priority to make GOD my satifaction. The Bible says that God is your husband and a guy is not supposed to fulfill me. If I expect a guy to fill me I'll always be looking for SOMETHING for that special feeling that will come and go and come and go for the rest of my life all the while collecting more baggage. I'll end up ruining relationships with the baggage I expect this guy (who's not Jesus) to just accept and deal with. That's not fair to you OR the guy. No one ends up happy.

I'm not saying there aren't days when I feel lonely but I have to remind myself that I find my full satisfaction in God and everyone else comes after. I swear you feel much better when you let God in... He is your center and you revolve around him. He's the sun... you're Mars... sometimes you're Pluto... frozen, small and later you won't be a named an actual planet ;0)

In the end it's a pride issue as almost all sin is... trust God! That is what is ultimately boils down to. Trust God okay?!

cookin for three

I am really not supposed to be here right now I need to be doing dishes but i'm giving myself 7 minutes to post a little ditty on here :0)

Crap! i dawdled. only 3 minutes left.

Well, folks, I have a job lead. It's crazy early like I applied on careerbuilder with Heather's AMAZING cover letter and 2 minutes later he asked me to send work and 1 hour later i'm back sending the work! i know right? I'm excited and nervous and praying to Jesus this is a good job opportunity for me cuz... Lord KNOWS he knows he KNOWS I'm desperate beyond belief. but not beyond believing.

Tomorrow's blog: LOTR FOTR Tcubed & ROTK and how it pertains to my mother and life in general! Stay tuned man... stay tuned.

no aiah aiah...

I just want to say that No Air is the favorite song of mine and my niece Autumn. WHy? dunno. Just is. Accept it.

So recently... I mean like the past few weeks things have turned around. The very thing I wanted to happen did almost... to completion and things are looking up it seems. The first instance it was really shocking I didn't see it coming at all and it was actually really touching. And! because it wasn't that horrible of a misdemeanor things automatically went back to how they were as if nothing had ever occured (it helps to forgive). The second occurance was... not actually shocking at all. I don't know I wasn't expecting it? But I also wasn't surprised when it came ya know? And it triggered all this anger harbored in some deep recess of my heart. I honestly don't know where it came from but it flared up like fire upon reaction. So... I also responded except I took no care to sugar coat anything I'm way past sugar coating the truth. And... now things are once again at a standstill. And I don't think I have forgiven yet.

A good friend once told me that some friends are in your life for a season... and some friends are for life. Once upon a time I thought I found a lifetime friend but looking back I was sooo fooling myself. I had really started to accept the seasonal friend thing except I felt like I had learned no lesson from that person... but that's not true I learned so many things about myself. So now THIS happens. It's like... things happen, things explode, things come back together, things happen, things explode, things come back together and I'm stuck in this cycle of "friendship" that I don't even know if I'm supposed to be in! What if this was supposed to be seasonal and it's trying to morph into something it's not. I wish I knew all the answers. I wish there were no risks involved in friendships. I also wish people would THINK before they act or speak. But.. life doesn't work that way... unnnfortunately.

It's time to go to Sonic haha... but for now I remain

Pensive,

i could go for the Weepies...

I thougth of a question! Two days later I thought of a question!!! and I just... wanted to let everyone know.

So last night needs to be documented. It was so horrible... let us begin.

The radiators in my apartment are evil. Pure. Evil. They are consistently hot even when you turn them off (radiator lesson: you turn the knob and heat comes up in the form of steam and you can regulate it with that knob) so try as you might you're boiling all night long in a big pit of... hottness. I made the mistake of turning my radiator on and letting my room warm up before I turned it off when I went to sleep - I like to snuggle and being cold nutures my snuggling habit. The radiator had other plans. It did not want to turn off and so it didn't. It got angry... then it got even. But that comes a little later in the story.

So I ended up going to sleep around 2 am pretty fitfully but I was asleep only to be woken up at 2:15 by the radiator focusing all it's pent up rage at being closed on me. The heat clangs the pipes (see It Was A Dark and Story Night?... below) when it comes up and last night was no different except it had a certain rhythm to it this time. The heat sounded like bongoes then when it got to the top it would ram at the opening and it sounded just like a motorcycle kickstarting itself. I wish I were joking. So the night went as follows:

2:15: boom... bing... bong... ding... dong... doom... boom...boom...boom boom bingbingbongdingDONGBOOM VRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! VRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

2:30: bing... boom... bong... ding... dongdangdingBOOMBOOMBOOM VRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! VRRRROOOOOOOOOM!

and every 15 minutes the same thing would happen just to spite me i figured out so from 2:15 to 5 am i lay in bed eyes wide open staring at the ceiling wondering whether to sleep on the sofa... or open the radiator. If I open the radiator I would die from certain heat exhaustion if I kept on listening to it I would die from torture rivaling the Chinese. So at 5 am I turned on the lamp, adjusted my eyes and OPENED the radiator of Evil and flipped on the fan... all sound stopped it was happy and i went to sleep.
I also figured out that Hell is full of clangy vroomy crazy radiators that you can never open. I'm serious!

so now i have a permanent score to settle with... *THE WIIITCH!* the radiator.

unfortunately my life is so boring that this is the only exciting adventure i have at the moment.

O.

Have you ever wanted something so bad but know it's so hopeless you feel like crying?

welcome to my life in a nutshell.

Here are all the symptoms of yesterday in medical fashion:
Dying: (v) heart explosions but miraculously still moving like you're alive
Slow burn: (n) the blush that stays at the edge of your jaw waiting to flare up at any given moment. Your cheeks are hot all day. Uncomfortable feeling. Thankfully no one can see it. Whoo melanin.
Silence: (n) the only thing that comes out of your mouth when you try to speak or think of a question to ask like a real person (see dying above)

I mean I gave up the dream a long time ago... but you can't see it and not still want it ya know? I'm being vague on purpose... my head is starting to feel fuzzy....

lois this is not my batman cup

I was watching Army Wives on Sunday (the season finale... very predicable... very good though!) and afterwards Grey's usually comes on. This episode was the one where Dr. Bailey's high school crush gets admitted to the hospital and she makes that giant speech at the end. I had to watch the whole thing. It was just necessary. I love that speech. So then I found it... and it's pretty dang relevant to my own life besides being a doctor ya know and saving lives and being married haha but the principle of it is... pretty universal. so! here it are.

Miranda: Yeah, I pay attention. I pay attention! I pay attention to people in all walks of life, all types. I notice people. I see people. It's guys like you who don't see people like me.
Derek: I don't see you?
Miranda: I'm not talking about you, Shepherd. Just guys like you. Who don't see girls like me. We don't exist for you. We exist to do your homework! We exist to build your ego up... I am a successful married mother. I am chief resident, I am CHIEF resident of a major metropolitan hospital! I am a surgeon, who saved his life today! And he still doesn't see me... I may as well still be that high school girl with the mushroom haircut and the coke bottle glasses and the band uniform. The girl who didn't get to go to homecoming dance cause it didn't even occur to him to ask me. All those late nights tutoring him, and it didn't even occur to him to ask?

*sigh*... is that not me? an ego boosting, homework doing, piccolo playing band geek who only went to prom? with friends? unfortunately yes haha the band geek thing is not unfortunate i rather enjoyed it... thats ok... cuz half the guys that we end up liking are just geeks too haha

cuz i'm cryin'... it's amazing... and i'm craaazay...

that was a compilation of three of aerosmith's songs that sound exactly the same... and all have alicia silverstone in them. say it with me.. aleeeseeeaaaahhh.

so iiii was sitting in my apartment as i often do nowadays and i was thinking about.. i don't know i always think about everything all at once. And somehow the plans i've made with people popped up... well the plans that always fell through came up. and THAT (oy stream of conciousness turn turn turn...) reminded me why i don't make plans with friends with anyone that span longer than two weeks because they will always fall through.

people forget... people forget on purpose... usually by the time the plans are supposed to come through the friendship has ended. no seriously all the times i make future plans that friendship ends pretty badly beforehand. it's happened oh... 4 times. so i've stopped making plans. it's worked. live day by day and never look forward and if somehow plans are made even for 2 days from now i count it as a small miracle (a small wonder if you will like the tv show)

Also! I was watching TLC last night... Purity Ball. People in Colorado are part of the purity movement to keep their daughters pure until marriage. That's fine I consent but here's the kicker. if the daughters mess up... the parents shoot out of orbit. Disown them pretty much and sever all ties. now where... WHHHERRRE in the Bible does it say that?? It was sad and... creepy a little bit at the same time. They stressed the importance of dad's in a girls like and if you don't you turn to other guys. So... in my case then... I'm automatically a slut because I don't have a prominent father figure. I had no idea! I need to go prePARE! In a sense though it is true... though i've never gotten involved in relationship friendships with guys always turn out... horribly except for the choice few that are good. but how they said it was like 'have a dad or be a slut! apply today!' I think it's definitely important to consecrate your body but... *sigh* people from Colorado are always extreme i swear to bob. extreme skiing, biking, mountain climbing and now it's spilled over into marriage. EXTREME MARRIAGE! SCALE THE MOUNTAIN SIDE WHILE WRITING YOUR VOOOWS! yeesh.