I feel like I've been waiting for my life to begin for a long time.
Being overweight you tend to think life, actual real and fun life, really starts moving after you lose weight. I have compartmentalized my brain into a before and after situation except the "after" has never happened. It's like being in a constant state of almost... or like I've made myself a time capsule. Jeans in the closet 8 sizes too small... your "after" pants. Shoes in the closet that pinch and will never fit... your "after" shoes because supposedly you lose weight in your feet as well. Even friends that I will admit maybe I have a crush on, I expect them to see me (like how cool I actually am or something?!) after I "lose the weight." But currently I have a hard time keeping eye contact for fear people will ACTUALLY see me.
I realize I'm constantly moving myself forward and holding myself back at the same time creatively. The phrase "you're your biggest critic" is compounded because I'm an artist. Or I was one. Creative types are crazy hard on themselves and I've let fear of failure completely overtake the fact that I love art. Going to the MoMA in New York this past October broke me down a bit. I miss the creative side of myself - it's been replaced with cynicism and a critical nature. I see other artists explore keep their sense of wonder, that distinctive inquisitiveness artists have, and I just get LIVID. Where'd mine go?? Did I LET it go?!
This past year was probably one of the best years I've ever had, oddly enough. The world had a CRAP FILLED year but in the middle of that I traveled for the first time alone. I took a risk at work that paid off. I tried something new and went to friggin CrossFit. I like myself more than I ever have and it's led me here. At home without pants on realizing things late at night. Heh.
I am enough. Here in this space where I find myself still single and now SUPER hating it. Where I feel like my journey has barely started. I'm ENOUGH.
I'm tired of thinking I'll get married when I've lost weight. Whoever finds me and loves me needs to know me here and now as I am. You know, that's a simple thought... that I've literally NEVER had until now. I'm giving you an awkward smile. I don't do a lot, there's some stuff I honestly can't do like tie my shoes. Or bend over. And that's embarrassing to admit because that's some fundamental stuff! But me right now can't do that because I'm overweight and I hope it won't always be like that. But for now... let my future someone bend over and tie my damn shoes for me. Now this creative rut I've been in is part of a deeper issue, old hurts and shame I've put in a backpack and carried with me. I've got to let it go. There's a couple things I've got to let go. Let go of my stupid "what ifs," my "after" pants and shoes, and just... accept myself where I am right now and let me be enough for the first time in my life. And see what happens. I'm giving you a thumbs up along with the awkward smile.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Monday, August 29, 2016
This is 30
Welcome to 30! You have arrived here by not dying and generally listening to your mother's advice. Here in this detailed guide you'll find how to make your 30's the BEST years of your life! Brunch! Mimosas! More brunch! Disregard for clothing rules! You'll take your shoes off wherever you dang well please, thank you very much!
Here, I present, A LIST, mostly provisioned from my Twitter account. I also said I wouldn't put these in a blog. HAHA OH 30. SUCH A JOKESTER.
Here, I present, A LIST, mostly provisioned from my Twitter account. I also said I wouldn't put these in a blog. HAHA OH 30. SUCH A JOKESTER.
- My appetite has changed, which I've literally been waiting for it to do since I was 10. Like I can't eat as much food or I'll just keel over all slumped and sad
- My body now genuinely REJECTS certain foods. Potatoes, for example, I can no longer have a ton of potatoes or starchy foods in general
- *PAUSE AND BE SAD FOR STARCHY FOODS*
- Greasy food too...
- *PAUSE FOR FRIED CHICKEN SADNESS AND DESPAIR*
- Bread is still okay
- AND TACOS. Still bae. Always bae.
- Doctors are more a part of my life. After I came back from vacation I got super sick and saw the doc a LOT
- I finally recognize my need for exercise. It clears my head and makes me feel both sore and positive about life - WHAT?!
- Hangovers! They're so real!
- Every few weeks now I cry about being alone... dying alone... getting ice cream alone
- Then I look out across the land of hoes and dudes made of trash and I TIGHTEN THE EFF. UP
- My introversion is solidified in stone. I can only do so much before the need to recharge completely overrides all functionality and I completely break down
- Stress greatly impacts my need to recharge as well
- I still hate pants
- I have ice cream for dinner a lot
This new phase of my life is interesting and a bit of a rollercoaster. But there are more smooth sails than ups and downs. I hope you'll stay around for this journey with me. 30 needs people.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
The Single Lady's Guide to Herself
Hey girl. You're single. Some days it's the best thing and some days it's the worst. Some days it feels like you don't even understand anything at all, but that's most adults - we can be real with each other.
I don't really write in this space for 2 reasons. 1) Being single gets REALLY monotonous. 2) I have a Blogspot. It's like... who are you, even?? So I come back when someone mentions "Hey remember that thing you used to do and a whole 21 people liked it? You should do that again." And I casually shrug my shoulders, flex my fingers and tell my brain to be creative for like FOUR seconds and it responds in kind. Thanks brain. Have this freezie-pop. Eat it slowly.
I've spent my entire life trying to figure myself out, and isn't that most of us? You know yourself fully until you do something that completely contradicts everything and you're back at square one. Being single is fun! Except when it ISN'T and you ride the wave either way. I'm sure further down the line I'll be writing "being married/a mother/a grandmother is fun! except when it ISN'T" but we accept our stages of life in their turn. Or something. I'm sure I read that bull on a blog somewhere.
On Loneliness: it will happen and it will hit swiftly without a sound. You'll be enjoying life's little things and BAM you're crying in public because you want to share this portion of your life with someone. For example, a week before my 29th birthday I spent 2 whole days SOBBING because I was suddenly hit with the realization I have not found someone, no one has shown interest and I may NEVER find someone. I broke. Big time. And I'm fine now but at the moment I felt lower than low. You may be tempted to treat loneliness with all of the wine (pass for me) or all of the food (ding, ding, ding!!). TRY to recognize this for what it is and even cry, or write, or do yoga but for the love of God in Heaven DON'T DRINK OR EAT. IT'S NOT WORTH IT GIRL.
On Friends: being single and getting a little older means your friends are married and having kids. They will stop keeping in touch with you eventually. It also means your single friends are oddly even MORE unreliable and/or just plain crazy. Like there is no in between unfortunately. Try (try, try, try!) to hold on to the good ones, married or not, and keep a few crazy friends on reserve for when you're feeling adventurous (read: lonely). There is a constant cycle of realizing your friends are NOT a replacement for a significant other and loving them so much you can't imagine life without them. Oh! Group texts - the blessing and the curse. Keep a group text with the good ones. You've no clue what wonders a good friend group text does.
On Confidence: at this point in your singledom you understand your style pretty well and what you like and don't like. It's GREAT. You walk into a store and you don't have to buy things you don't like! You can tell your sexist coworkers where to shove it so far up without even batting an eyelash. You're a feminist and you stand for equality and you DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT. Except for a few days out of the month, every month, that really effs you up. Ugh. YOU know.
On Dating: there are 2 things that have happened if you've made it to late 20's/early 30's without a boyfriend. You've joined a few dating sites. Deleted them. Re-added them. Re-deleted them. Or! You've considered coming out as a lesbian even though you're straight just to alleviate pressure and see who won the bet in your family. Oh that's just me? HAHA KIDDING GUYS I'D NEVER DO THAT HAHAHAHAHA I HOPE THIS IS CONVINCING.
On Vacations: no? Is no an answer?? You go on Air B'n'B a lot and browse without making a commitment. You go back and forth between saying "Who CARES if I'm alone on vacation!" and "WHY WOULD I GO ON VACATION ALONE?!"
On Exercise: being single gives you access to a PLETHORA of exercise boot camps and Zumba's and so many things. You won't go to any of them. They're all filled with mom's who don't even have time! So in turn you feel guilty cuz you certainly have MORE time than a mom and then oh look! A bag of Cheetos. RINSE, REPEAT. You will go back and forth between being determined to be healthy and OH LOOK. A BAG. OF CHEETOS. For the rest of your life.
Listen, at this point I seriously don't know what the heck's gonna happen. If my 20's have taught me anything it's that ANYTHING AND NOTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN. If you're confused then I've explained your 20's PERFECTLY. I do know this - I like myself SO MUCH! I really have enjoyed getting to know who I am and being confident in that. If nothing else comes out of this but learning to really accept myself then everything's gonna be fine. ALSO, SOMEONE BUY ME THIS SWEATSHIRT THANKS.
I don't really write in this space for 2 reasons. 1) Being single gets REALLY monotonous. 2) I have a Blogspot. It's like... who are you, even?? So I come back when someone mentions "Hey remember that thing you used to do and a whole 21 people liked it? You should do that again." And I casually shrug my shoulders, flex my fingers and tell my brain to be creative for like FOUR seconds and it responds in kind. Thanks brain. Have this freezie-pop. Eat it slowly.
I've spent my entire life trying to figure myself out, and isn't that most of us? You know yourself fully until you do something that completely contradicts everything and you're back at square one. Being single is fun! Except when it ISN'T and you ride the wave either way. I'm sure further down the line I'll be writing "being married/a mother/a grandmother is fun! except when it ISN'T" but we accept our stages of life in their turn. Or something. I'm sure I read that bull on a blog somewhere.
On Loneliness: it will happen and it will hit swiftly without a sound. You'll be enjoying life's little things and BAM you're crying in public because you want to share this portion of your life with someone. For example, a week before my 29th birthday I spent 2 whole days SOBBING because I was suddenly hit with the realization I have not found someone, no one has shown interest and I may NEVER find someone. I broke. Big time. And I'm fine now but at the moment I felt lower than low. You may be tempted to treat loneliness with all of the wine (pass for me) or all of the food (ding, ding, ding!!). TRY to recognize this for what it is and even cry, or write, or do yoga but for the love of God in Heaven DON'T DRINK OR EAT. IT'S NOT WORTH IT GIRL.
On Friends: being single and getting a little older means your friends are married and having kids. They will stop keeping in touch with you eventually. It also means your single friends are oddly even MORE unreliable and/or just plain crazy. Like there is no in between unfortunately. Try (try, try, try!) to hold on to the good ones, married or not, and keep a few crazy friends on reserve for when you're feeling adventurous (read: lonely). There is a constant cycle of realizing your friends are NOT a replacement for a significant other and loving them so much you can't imagine life without them. Oh! Group texts - the blessing and the curse. Keep a group text with the good ones. You've no clue what wonders a good friend group text does.
On Confidence: at this point in your singledom you understand your style pretty well and what you like and don't like. It's GREAT. You walk into a store and you don't have to buy things you don't like! You can tell your sexist coworkers where to shove it so far up without even batting an eyelash. You're a feminist and you stand for equality and you DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT. Except for a few days out of the month, every month, that really effs you up. Ugh. YOU know.
On Dating: there are 2 things that have happened if you've made it to late 20's/early 30's without a boyfriend. You've joined a few dating sites. Deleted them. Re-added them. Re-deleted them. Or! You've considered coming out as a lesbian even though you're straight just to alleviate pressure and see who won the bet in your family. Oh that's just me? HAHA KIDDING GUYS I'D NEVER DO THAT HAHAHAHAHA I HOPE THIS IS CONVINCING.
On Vacations: no? Is no an answer?? You go on Air B'n'B a lot and browse without making a commitment. You go back and forth between saying "Who CARES if I'm alone on vacation!" and "WHY WOULD I GO ON VACATION ALONE?!"
On Exercise: being single gives you access to a PLETHORA of exercise boot camps and Zumba's and so many things. You won't go to any of them. They're all filled with mom's who don't even have time! So in turn you feel guilty cuz you certainly have MORE time than a mom and then oh look! A bag of Cheetos. RINSE, REPEAT. You will go back and forth between being determined to be healthy and OH LOOK. A BAG. OF CHEETOS. For the rest of your life.
Listen, at this point I seriously don't know what the heck's gonna happen. If my 20's have taught me anything it's that ANYTHING AND NOTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN. If you're confused then I've explained your 20's PERFECTLY. I do know this - I like myself SO MUCH! I really have enjoyed getting to know who I am and being confident in that. If nothing else comes out of this but learning to really accept myself then everything's gonna be fine. ALSO, SOMEONE BUY ME THIS SWEATSHIRT THANKS.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Meeting Mrs. Jeni's Ice Creams (or How I Am Good at the Internet)
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| 1. The inside of the new location. Super sleek. 2. Jeni and myself... new besties. Or something. 3. Riesling Poached Pear sorbet in champagne. 4. My signed cookbook, mixing spoon and awesome mug. 4. Root beer float with vanilla bean and salty caramel ice cream (HEAVEN) 5. Goat cheese with red cherries ice cream with lemon buttermilk frozen yogurt. |
I've said it before and I'll say it now: if the Internet was a class I would get straight. A's. I'm really good at social media, which actually saddens my heart. I want to be good at SOCIAL. no media. SOCIAL. I guess it's a double edged sword because you kind of have to be proficient in social media nowadays. For me it's my forte. I tend to be the most genuine via text. But the good thing is I write exactly how I speak so there is no disconnect. I think that's the secret. Don't have an Internet alter ego. Be who you are all the time forevers.
But I digress.
If you've never heard of Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams you don't even make SENSE. Jeni's ice cream is a whole other LEVEL of ice cream. It's made not with eggs but with cream cheese and corn starch and the result is the creamiest, richest, cold confection you've ever tasted. I tried it once and never turned back. I remember it being the hot awesome thing and she would SHIP it to you packaged in dry ice. It was science made trendy. I hopped on board with her cookbook and immediately made like 4 of her ice creams and just... Fell in LOVE. I also found out how much I love science. It's in my genes. I almost made a trek to Ohio to meet her. Seriously I had a place picked out on Air B'n'B.
In comes Instagram. I stan for Instagram. I am somehow able to mingle with gods and men alike through the wonder that is that app. I've made many an Internet friend through there solely by adding a funny/relatable comment on someone's post. CUE JENI. She posted a picture not even about the opening of her newest Chicago store but I asked if I should come to the new opening. I didn't go to the Southport opening and regretted it as I really wanted to meet her. She responded "YES! Please come I'll be there!" And I was like, "I guess I'm going then..." And that was that. Then a couple days later she commented again asking me to shoot her an email. I did, and allowed myself a gentle gush of fandom in the email. She responded with an invitation to the preview party the day before the grand opening. Like there was a list. With my name on it. That not everyone could get into. NOT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING BUT DANG. Woo! *fans self*
I braved the special hell that is downtown Chicago driving and made my way there. I was the first one there and I was late. Wut?? But I was greeted at the door by Jeni. Cue brain loss, lack of speech and smiling so hard my eyes look like they didn't exist. She won a James Beard Award for pete's sake! JAMES BEARD. Did I mention all the ice cream was free?? Like ALL of it? Including the floats?? Oh okay. It was free.
Side note: GET THE LEMON BUTTERMILK FROZEN YOGURT. THERE ARE SHORTBREAD COOKIES IN IT. LIFE CHANGER.
So I had a lot of ice cream, a root beer float and a champagne float (Riesling poached pear ice cream in champagne. Fancy af). She signed my (her?) cookbook, too! I also brought a spoon for her to sign. Any awesome cooking person I have them sign a kitchen spoon and I collect them. Cool right? Be my friend still? Okay. At the end of the night i mustered enough courage to ask for a picture, which really means I stood in the corner and stared at her until she came over to ME and I asked for a picture. I wanted to buy one of her cool mugs (BECAUSE MUGS) and she just... GAVE ME A MUG. And when I resisted she was like, "Who's gonna stop me?!" Ugh. CLASSIC Jeni. It was cool mingling with her Columbus crew and all the new scoopers were so sweet.
Gosh I love Internet adventures. Now if it could only lead me to meet Beyoncé I will have reached true enlightenment.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
ridiculous thoughts, love Abby
[originally written in April of 2013 and I still find it comPLETELY relevant - God bless the drafts folder]
This post. is going to be ridiculous. and I apologize.
I'm the type of girl who wonders if I'm friends with a person or not or if I've crossed over into 'best friend' status. I've been sticking the label of 'best friend' on the most undeserving people or people who don't even KNOW I think of them as my best friend.
All my life I've relished having that one friend you could tell anything to or talk to for hours on end about anything and everything. I would find someone who was cool and awesome and I'd think THEY could be my best friend right?! And I'd quest for their approval only to find out they thought I was great... but the coveted spot of 'best friend' was already taken. It's like people come pre-loaded with a best friend out of the womb. What is that??
To be honest, I'm still a sucker for the label of best friend. I'm a sucker for labels really. There's nothing I love more than defining a relationship. Defining anything really. I try it out in my head just to see how it would sound. Roll it around on my tongue for a time but never utter it to anyone. Swap out potential candidates to see how they would handle the role.
It's stupid, I know, but as a girl who has never had a friend longer than a few years it's just a thing I would like. It's stupid to be offended at someone calling me their 'good' friend and SPOUT the blessed phrase BFF in the next sentence so easily. Is this weird? Am I twelve years old? Well obviously... YES.
Being friends with married people means you're already out of the running. Their best friend is their spouse because you're supposed to marry your best friend! I like married people a lot though... being their friends will always be a thing.
Maybe best friends are over rated. I'm lying they're not - they're amazing. Look at Joy and Tracy. It's totally not over rated.
In the end it's really not about the label, it's about the person. Having a defined boyfriend doesn't make him any less of a jerk-wad. Having a best friend won't stop the person from talking about you behind your back so... maybe I just need to find people who know what they've got.
This post. is going to be ridiculous. and I apologize.
I'm the type of girl who wonders if I'm friends with a person or not or if I've crossed over into 'best friend' status. I've been sticking the label of 'best friend' on the most undeserving people or people who don't even KNOW I think of them as my best friend.
All my life I've relished having that one friend you could tell anything to or talk to for hours on end about anything and everything. I would find someone who was cool and awesome and I'd think THEY could be my best friend right?! And I'd quest for their approval only to find out they thought I was great... but the coveted spot of 'best friend' was already taken. It's like people come pre-loaded with a best friend out of the womb. What is that??
To be honest, I'm still a sucker for the label of best friend. I'm a sucker for labels really. There's nothing I love more than defining a relationship. Defining anything really. I try it out in my head just to see how it would sound. Roll it around on my tongue for a time but never utter it to anyone. Swap out potential candidates to see how they would handle the role.
It's stupid, I know, but as a girl who has never had a friend longer than a few years it's just a thing I would like. It's stupid to be offended at someone calling me their 'good' friend and SPOUT the blessed phrase BFF in the next sentence so easily. Is this weird? Am I twelve years old? Well obviously... YES.
Being friends with married people means you're already out of the running. Their best friend is their spouse because you're supposed to marry your best friend! I like married people a lot though... being their friends will always be a thing.
Maybe best friends are over rated. I'm lying they're not - they're amazing. Look at Joy and Tracy. It's totally not over rated.
In the end it's really not about the label, it's about the person. Having a defined boyfriend doesn't make him any less of a jerk-wad. Having a best friend won't stop the person from talking about you behind your back so... maybe I just need to find people who know what they've got.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The Reader's Nook: "It Was Me All Along"
Have you ever read a book or someone's blog and feel like you know them? Like they're talking directly to you and somehow they're unaware you're best friends? That is totally, completely, in EVERY WAY, Andie Mitchell. How did I find her blog? I'm thinking about it and I really don't remember how I stumbled upon it. I do remember being obsessed with a blog about how a girl lost a significant amount of weight and fell in love with running. I had emailed the woman to ask her how she overcame her own mind and did it anyway. She never emailed me back, but her next post read, "I've been getting a lot of emails about how I lost the weight but I'm not gonna talk about that." I felt so crushed - like I was being personally attacked. Obviously that wasn't true and I was being overly sensitive, as I tend to be. In my desperate attempt to feel connection I somehow click-holed myself to Andie's blog. I'm so glad I did.
Andie is a lady. A living, breathing lady who has struggles just like everyone else. Her past is messy just like a lot of people's and when she wakes up her hair probably doesn't look good. I say this because she also happens to have lost 135 pounds on her own and I feel like that makes her superhuman. I think a lot of people feel like it makes her superhuman so I introduced her as awkwardly as possible for balance. Heh.
It Was Me All Along: Andie Mitchell - In her book she tells the story that brought her to where she is today. A latchkey kid who used food as her babysitter, she voices a lot of the pain I think anyone goes through when they struggle with being overweight. Her past was hard, and so many others are too, but eventually she learns to accept herself at any state, large or small. Her writing is effortlessly descriptive, especially when describing the food she ate, so you really get a sense of how vividly food has impacted her life. And I totally get that. Being overweight my entire life this book basically made me want to lay down under the floor. It brought up painful memories of being ridiculed at school, by family at times, in public, and it just makes you crumble a bit. In bringing her issues to light I feel like I've stepped into the light as well. It's so easy to hide.
Being overweight makes you feel like you're the only one, though everyone knows it's actually an epidemic. Half the country is overweight but WHERE DO THEY LIVE? No one sees these people! They all live in the same community in Montana or something because I seem to be the odd woman out. Reading about the things she's gone through forced me to remember what I've gone through - so many of the stories paralleled. It's kind of like getting cold water thrown in your face. You gasp for air like a fish out of water. It's a shock to unearth a painful past you've repressed with such "skill" for so long.
When I was finished reading the book (in a record day) I wanted to email Andie and just... friggin GUSH about how I think we should be friends, and what is her vitamin regimen, and does she enjoy watching You've Got Mail as much as I do? These are things I think about when I start to see someone with hazy, glittery lights around them. I mean I've wanted to know how many cups of water Beyoncé drinks a day for YEARS. I quickly realized what I was doing. When I start obsessively finding success stories I'm not motivating myself, I'm canonizing the person. I'm bronzing them. I... want them to do the work FOR me.
I've made it quite far in my life not doing that much hard work and thinking strength was making myself small, being comic relief, and focusing on pleasing my mom. That's gotten me here, with a person's weight to lose. I have to lose an amount of weight the size of a slightly overweight person. Saying that aloud makes me feel faint.
In the moment I was all, "I'M GONNA WRITE MY STORY. I'M GONNA WRITE IT SO PEOPLE KNOW MY PAIN AND THEN THEY'LL KNOW. THEY'LL KNOOOOW THE PAAAAIN." You start to glorify the pain and the past struggles. But I want to acknowledge that they happened, look at it firmly in the eye and say, "I see you, but you are not defining," and get to work. Hey, maybe one day I will write my own book on the mind warfare that is weight loss, but that day is far off. And that is okay. Now I focus on finding a different kind of strength, a will I thought did not exist.
Even if you haven't struggled with losing weight, this book just helps you remember that whatever struggles you've gone through, who you are at any point in your life is the person you're supposed to be right in that moment. Messy or not, shit together or not, you're you. And you are amazing.
Andie is a lady. A living, breathing lady who has struggles just like everyone else. Her past is messy just like a lot of people's and when she wakes up her hair probably doesn't look good. I say this because she also happens to have lost 135 pounds on her own and I feel like that makes her superhuman. I think a lot of people feel like it makes her superhuman so I introduced her as awkwardly as possible for balance. Heh.
It Was Me All Along: Andie Mitchell - In her book she tells the story that brought her to where she is today. A latchkey kid who used food as her babysitter, she voices a lot of the pain I think anyone goes through when they struggle with being overweight. Her past was hard, and so many others are too, but eventually she learns to accept herself at any state, large or small. Her writing is effortlessly descriptive, especially when describing the food she ate, so you really get a sense of how vividly food has impacted her life. And I totally get that. Being overweight my entire life this book basically made me want to lay down under the floor. It brought up painful memories of being ridiculed at school, by family at times, in public, and it just makes you crumble a bit. In bringing her issues to light I feel like I've stepped into the light as well. It's so easy to hide.
Being overweight makes you feel like you're the only one, though everyone knows it's actually an epidemic. Half the country is overweight but WHERE DO THEY LIVE? No one sees these people! They all live in the same community in Montana or something because I seem to be the odd woman out. Reading about the things she's gone through forced me to remember what I've gone through - so many of the stories paralleled. It's kind of like getting cold water thrown in your face. You gasp for air like a fish out of water. It's a shock to unearth a painful past you've repressed with such "skill" for so long.
When I was finished reading the book (in a record day) I wanted to email Andie and just... friggin GUSH about how I think we should be friends, and what is her vitamin regimen, and does she enjoy watching You've Got Mail as much as I do? These are things I think about when I start to see someone with hazy, glittery lights around them. I mean I've wanted to know how many cups of water Beyoncé drinks a day for YEARS. I quickly realized what I was doing. When I start obsessively finding success stories I'm not motivating myself, I'm canonizing the person. I'm bronzing them. I... want them to do the work FOR me.
I've made it quite far in my life not doing that much hard work and thinking strength was making myself small, being comic relief, and focusing on pleasing my mom. That's gotten me here, with a person's weight to lose. I have to lose an amount of weight the size of a slightly overweight person. Saying that aloud makes me feel faint.
In the moment I was all, "I'M GONNA WRITE MY STORY. I'M GONNA WRITE IT SO PEOPLE KNOW MY PAIN AND THEN THEY'LL KNOW. THEY'LL KNOOOOW THE PAAAAIN." You start to glorify the pain and the past struggles. But I want to acknowledge that they happened, look at it firmly in the eye and say, "I see you, but you are not defining," and get to work. Hey, maybe one day I will write my own book on the mind warfare that is weight loss, but that day is far off. And that is okay. Now I focus on finding a different kind of strength, a will I thought did not exist.
Even if you haven't struggled with losing weight, this book just helps you remember that whatever struggles you've gone through, who you are at any point in your life is the person you're supposed to be right in that moment. Messy or not, shit together or not, you're you. And you are amazing.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Reader's Nook: Half-Read Reviews
Happy New Year!
This year I resolve to stop resolving. Resolutely. No I do enjoy New Year's resolutions - going on forever without feeling you have the chance to start fresh makes life seem monotonous to me. I will get to those later though because I want to bring you two books that I did not finish! Amazing!
I am halfway through both of them and I have some very distinct thoughts on these two ladies words.
Yes, Please: Amy Poehler - I would just like to start out by saying Amy Poehler is a human just like the rest of us. That being said, she is superior to most humans I've met. The preface of this book made me cry. She writes stories of her life and doesn't apologize for the not-so-perfect parts. Even her divorce, which can dang near kill a person, it happened and now she's in love again and you're like, "WOW. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALSO WHY AM I CRYING." She is an avid encourager of women throughout the book and truly believes that everyone has a voice that shouldn't be silenced. Ideas shouldn't be minimized. I laugh out loud a LOT - kind of like when I read Tina Fey's book. Amy also knows that her fans super endorse her and Tina's best friendship, which makes this book even BETTER. I own it so I'm taking my time through it, stopping to pick up other (young adult fiction) books along the way and coming back again. I'm so glad she wrote a book. I'm mainly glad she EXISTS to make the world better. Was that too much? Noooo.
Not That Kind of Girl: Lena Dunham - I'm so sorry guys this is about to be brutal. Actually if you don't want to read all of this just read Amy Poehler's review again just opposite. That's how much I hated this book. Here's the cool thing about Lena. She grew up with parents that let her stretch her creativity in all directions, in whatever way she liked. I am a fan of her tv show GIRLS even though it can get a privilege-y a lot, it's still relatable to girls in their 20's on some subjects. I truly enjoy how open she is with her life and her body and how she loves to advocate for women. Her book has those undertones there but it's hard to get through all the rambling to see that. There is a LOT of rambling.
The first section is about her sexual encounters and I was told that she reveals a sexual assault and tells how she copes, but I never made it that far. She talks about herself a LOT, an unnatural amount (it is a memoir but um...). It's all about her story and her experience and ultimately how everyone's story needs to be heard because everyone's story is important. I agree with this on some accounts, I also think that maybe she should have had more experiences where she... volunteered or something - or just THOUGHT about someone else before her. I dunno! Every single story comes back to her! And how she hates herself? Or something? I found myself saying "What was the point of this story again?" a lot. After I realized I didn't have to read it because it was Lena, or it was controversial, I decided to stop and I'm glad I did. It must be tiring to think about yourself that much.
What do you think? Am I being too harsh (probably)? I never want to be that person that criticizes a person and doesn't really know them but I mean... the book is written. Can't take it back, lady girl.
Obviously both are memoirs and even though Amy is talking about her life experiences I don't feel like I'm being punched in the face with them. I feel like I took the journey with her and at the end (er... the middle) we hugged and got a beer together. Lena's accosted me in an oddly aggressive way and I guess I wasn't expecting it. Props to both women for putting their stories to print and choosing to be vulnerable. Wifi high five!
Tell me your thoughts on both if you've read the whole thing! I've always wanted to start a book club that's just a cover for eating a lot. Except I would also want to read too. So I just described a normal book club didn't I. Right.
This year I resolve to stop resolving. Resolutely. No I do enjoy New Year's resolutions - going on forever without feeling you have the chance to start fresh makes life seem monotonous to me. I will get to those later though because I want to bring you two books that I did not finish! Amazing!
Yes, Please: Amy Poehler - I would just like to start out by saying Amy Poehler is a human just like the rest of us. That being said, she is superior to most humans I've met. The preface of this book made me cry. She writes stories of her life and doesn't apologize for the not-so-perfect parts. Even her divorce, which can dang near kill a person, it happened and now she's in love again and you're like, "WOW. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALSO WHY AM I CRYING." She is an avid encourager of women throughout the book and truly believes that everyone has a voice that shouldn't be silenced. Ideas shouldn't be minimized. I laugh out loud a LOT - kind of like when I read Tina Fey's book. Amy also knows that her fans super endorse her and Tina's best friendship, which makes this book even BETTER. I own it so I'm taking my time through it, stopping to pick up other (young adult fiction) books along the way and coming back again. I'm so glad she wrote a book. I'm mainly glad she EXISTS to make the world better. Was that too much? Noooo.
Not That Kind of Girl: Lena Dunham - I'm so sorry guys this is about to be brutal. Actually if you don't want to read all of this just read Amy Poehler's review again just opposite. That's how much I hated this book. Here's the cool thing about Lena. She grew up with parents that let her stretch her creativity in all directions, in whatever way she liked. I am a fan of her tv show GIRLS even though it can get a privilege-y a lot, it's still relatable to girls in their 20's on some subjects. I truly enjoy how open she is with her life and her body and how she loves to advocate for women. Her book has those undertones there but it's hard to get through all the rambling to see that. There is a LOT of rambling.
The first section is about her sexual encounters and I was told that she reveals a sexual assault and tells how she copes, but I never made it that far. She talks about herself a LOT, an unnatural amount (it is a memoir but um...). It's all about her story and her experience and ultimately how everyone's story needs to be heard because everyone's story is important. I agree with this on some accounts, I also think that maybe she should have had more experiences where she... volunteered or something - or just THOUGHT about someone else before her. I dunno! Every single story comes back to her! And how she hates herself? Or something? I found myself saying "What was the point of this story again?" a lot. After I realized I didn't have to read it because it was Lena, or it was controversial, I decided to stop and I'm glad I did. It must be tiring to think about yourself that much.
What do you think? Am I being too harsh (probably)? I never want to be that person that criticizes a person and doesn't really know them but I mean... the book is written. Can't take it back, lady girl.
Obviously both are memoirs and even though Amy is talking about her life experiences I don't feel like I'm being punched in the face with them. I feel like I took the journey with her and at the end (er... the middle) we hugged and got a beer together. Lena's accosted me in an oddly aggressive way and I guess I wasn't expecting it. Props to both women for putting their stories to print and choosing to be vulnerable. Wifi high five!
Tell me your thoughts on both if you've read the whole thing! I've always wanted to start a book club that's just a cover for eating a lot. Except I would also want to read too. So I just described a normal book club didn't I. Right.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
{about} true beauty
It doesn't make sense to call ourselves ugly,
because we don't really see ourselves.
We don't watch ourselves sleeping
in bed, curled up and silent
with chests rising and falling
with our own rhythm.
We don't see ourselves reading a book,
eyes fluttering and glowing.
You don't see yourself looking at someone
with love and care inside your heart.
There's no mirror in your way
when you're laughing and smiling
and happiness is leaking out of you.
You would know exactly how bright
and beautiful you are if you saw yourself
in the moments where you are truly
yourself.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
An Open Letter to Anthropologie
I spent last Saturday with the loveliest Katherine and we went to Jeni's ice cream, died a little bit from its amazingness, endured a lot of bumpy train rides and went to Antrho as well. Having Katherine here made it the best day ever but I couldn't shake how out of place I felt in Anthropologie. I came home and furiously typed this crazy rant that I will share with you now. Also, I totally own that bedding in the picture above. I am part of the problem, I know. Argh.
Dear Anthropologie,
After frequenting your stores for some years now I've finally figured out my feelings towards you.
Those feelings being dislike. Gentle dislike.
Here in this detailed letter I will tell you why. This letter serves no purpose but to rant, and who doesn't love a good rant.
Let's start with your clothes. Your clothes make me feel like, at any given time, I'm coming from or going to Coachella as a VIP. They're sophisticated yet inherently bohemian, young and adventurous for the workplace yet an easy transition to dinner and drinks. Who can resist casually throwing out in conversation, "Oh I got this at ANTHRO." I think your clothes are fairly expensive, overly expensive, though many a size 2 girl gets a lot of your clothes on sale and loves it.
Which leads me to my next point. Why do you only carry tiny clothes? And then ALSO have a PETITE section of your website?! I have never actually WORN an article of clothing from your store because you refuse to carry plus sized clothing on principle it seems. I think it's against company policy. It's my fault I'm overweight right? Or at least that's how every sales associate makes me feel when I walk through your doors. I get stalked by the sales girls to make sure I'm not stealing but when I actually need help I get blown off. This has happened every time I walk in and I just realized the unnecessary stress it adds.
I do like your kitchen, home and office decor (mostly cuz they don't have to fit on my body), sometimes they're exclusive and it's cool to find trinkets and things. Though, do I REALLY need measuring spoons that look like vintage spoons? (umm yes I do. ugh.) I've gotten great gifts, stationery, and books from you. Ah... your candles though. All the scents of your candles are way too overpowering, like they're trying to FORCE my nostrils into liking being punched by a heady bouquet of flowers. I don't like any of the scents. I'm sorry (EVERYONE). And your accessories - 45 dollars for a HEADBAND?! Is it made of JESUS!?
Here's the thing. I WANT to love you! I want to be your biggest fan and buy all the things and live happily ever after in my overpriced, everything was bought on credit, but that's okay it looks vintage, home! It seems like something I should WANT to want, as a 20 something who thinks herself kind of cool. But I don't.
You perpetuate an elitist attitude. You have made your brand a status - good job - but you make me feel like I'm lacking something in my life, like I'm an inadequate person, not worthy of affording your goods, and like I don't fit the demographic. That's not cool and as a company you shouldn't think it's cool either.
So... gently? Eff off Anthro. I'm kinda done with you. I AnthroPOLOGIZE.
(Hah, also watch me be in there the next time I'm downtown, because I'm dumb.)
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
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Have you ever felt like if you lose control of a part of your life, you lose control of EVERY ASPECT of your life? Things beyond control are frustrating. You see them, almost like they're a tangible thing, yet you can do nothing to change its status. All you can do is keep living your life, but it's a stunted life. Like walking with a pronounced limp, you can function it's just not at 100%. That's been life for me for the past few months.
This is not to say I'm unhappy or stuck or whatever millennial words or phrases we love to use - QUARTER LIFE CRISIS - it's just how things are at the moment. I haven't read a good book, I haven't been to the gym, all I've been doing is getting from day to day so I can get from day to day. The lovely (and surprising) thing is I've never liked myself so much as I do now. I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin, sexy even sometimes (whaaat). But I know for my health, much has to be done and I haven't done that at all.
It's been an interesting summer we'll just say that.
All of my blog hiatuses start with a 'OMG HAAAY SO I WAS GOOONE FOR A WHIIIILE' but I'm not feeling that at the moment. I don't even know what to call it - the state I'm in, this lack of control, will be an on going thing, and I'm just now getting to a point where I can even write a good sentence. So here I am. Hello.
But! How are you? How was your summer? Is blogging even really a thing anymore? Can you recommend any good books for me to read cuz this reading dry spell is real. Also is anyone going to the Chicago Open House on the 18/19th? It looks stupid cool.
Updating isn't necessarily a priority, but I'll try to sneak back over every once in a while to give you a book to read or a story about aaaabsolutely nothing, as I do.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
The Reader's Nook: Unconventional Love Stories
This week is about loooove. That was corny - apologies - but I think love stories are probably my favorite books to read. I don't tend to go for obvious love stories, I'm more about love conquering all in the end, ya know? Eleanor & Park, The Fault in Our Stars... Pretty sure this might be why I'm single. We'll discuss later.
By the way if you're ever looking for amazing book recommendations follow Casey's Pinterest page, she always pins good ones there!
Let's dive right into it.
The Winter Witch by Paula Brackston - a recommendation from the lovely Abbey Nova from Abby Goes Design Scouting. I've been reading Abbey's blog for a while and remember doing a specific search for "design blogs" (back when I thought reading design blogs and being "creative" all the time meant you were a real designer - oh how times have changed) and her blog popping up. I think that was 2010. She said, "If you have a thing for magic and love READ THIS!" and I was on my library's website within seconds. It does involve magic and mystery and wide open Welsh plains and love... conquering all. : ) It's hard to describe the book without giving away the book so I'll leave it at that. I think you'll like it!
Me Before You by Jojo Moyes - I NEVER give in to bestseller recommendations because, um, GOLDFINCH. And I've always been very against "this is what's in right now DO/READ/EAT/WEAR THIS RIGHT NOW!" That's like a surefire way for me to do the opposite forever. The description of the book drew me in though and the story leaves you sobbing by the end (in a good way). I actually ordered 2 more bestsellers to read and review soon. Things are gettin' crazy y'all! Anyhoo, the story is about Louisa who becomes a caretaker for a quadriplegic man named Will. They form a unique friendship and weave a different kind of love story. UGH JUST READ IT ALREADY, DANG.
Have you found that when you read a really GOOD book you can't describe it to someone? I feel like I just told you to read these books but also told you nothing at all. I'm sorry! OH! I finally saw The Fault in Our Stars (affectionately shortened to TFIOS) in theaters and cried like a freakin BABY. Like wracking sobs, snot everywhere, massive headache afterwards because I lost 12 liters of fluid. Lord above will you go see it? So we can be sad/happy together? Mmkay thanks.
The Reader's Nook is a place I've carved out just for readers and to talk about my favorite books every week. If you have any suggestions on books to read or would like to submit a review email me at thebirdsfly{at}me{dot}com.
By the way if you're ever looking for amazing book recommendations follow Casey's Pinterest page, she always pins good ones there!
Let's dive right into it.
The Winter Witch by Paula Brackston - a recommendation from the lovely Abbey Nova from Abby Goes Design Scouting. I've been reading Abbey's blog for a while and remember doing a specific search for "design blogs" (back when I thought reading design blogs and being "creative" all the time meant you were a real designer - oh how times have changed) and her blog popping up. I think that was 2010. She said, "If you have a thing for magic and love READ THIS!" and I was on my library's website within seconds. It does involve magic and mystery and wide open Welsh plains and love... conquering all. : ) It's hard to describe the book without giving away the book so I'll leave it at that. I think you'll like it!
Me Before You by Jojo Moyes - I NEVER give in to bestseller recommendations because, um, GOLDFINCH. And I've always been very against "this is what's in right now DO/READ/EAT/WEAR THIS RIGHT NOW!" That's like a surefire way for me to do the opposite forever. The description of the book drew me in though and the story leaves you sobbing by the end (in a good way). I actually ordered 2 more bestsellers to read and review soon. Things are gettin' crazy y'all! Anyhoo, the story is about Louisa who becomes a caretaker for a quadriplegic man named Will. They form a unique friendship and weave a different kind of love story. UGH JUST READ IT ALREADY, DANG.
Have you found that when you read a really GOOD book you can't describe it to someone? I feel like I just told you to read these books but also told you nothing at all. I'm sorry! OH! I finally saw The Fault in Our Stars (affectionately shortened to TFIOS) in theaters and cried like a freakin BABY. Like wracking sobs, snot everywhere, massive headache afterwards because I lost 12 liters of fluid. Lord above will you go see it? So we can be sad/happy together? Mmkay thanks.
The Reader's Nook is a place I've carved out just for readers and to talk about my favorite books every week. If you have any suggestions on books to read or would like to submit a review email me at thebirdsfly{at}me{dot}com.
Monday, June 9, 2014
The Great, Amazing, Wonderful, and Spectacular MONTH OF MAY
I'm just now getting around to writing the wonder that was my birthday because I just cleaned my room. This is relevant. I promise. Just bear with me.
I'm not one to dub a birthday other than what it is - A DAY. Friends on Facebook love to talk about their birthday month like it's an actual thing. It's not. It's not an actual thing you guys, but this month I did a LOT. Most of it was birthday related! It made no sense! I'm gonna tell you about it because a lot of it was really cool. By the way everyone who has a birthday in May happens to be really amazing. Coincidence? NO. IT IS NOT.
Warning: this post will be long and I apologize but there are some moments I just have to gush. And gush I will. Because I'm 28 now.
Can I put it in bullets? I wish my life were laid out in bullets. Goodness.
This is the part where I'm gonna gush about the Kinfolk dinner for a few paragraphs. Okay, thanks.
Kinfolk Chicago dinner. *exhales* I don't even have enough words to articulate how cool this was. I decided on a pure whim to buy a ticket to a thing I've never been and I'm so glad I did. I had the pleasure of meeting Amanda Jones, co-founder of Kinfolk, design role model of mine and Instagram queen, her husband, Cree, and her baby, Jane. The weird thing about blogging and Instagram is when you meet someone you admire you already know a TON about them right off the bat, and they know SQUAT about you. So I played it slightly dumb and asked her husband for his name and was like, "Ohhh your baby is cuuute what is her naaame?" while inwardly I'm like, "OMG IT'S CREE AND JANE, IT'S CREE AND JANE, HI CREE AND JANE - HIIIII!" Amanda is super sweet and loves Gilmore Girls. I tried to get her to come home with me but it didn't work. Not sure why.
The theme of the night was "The Spirit of the Sea" and the food was themed to match. Really, it was just a chance to mingle and network a bit - a thing I am not the best at. I did meet some pretty awesome people in the little 2 hour window, though. An architect, a billion event planners, a restaurant event assistant, art teachers - just the coolest people ever. And me. The only black girl there. I am my mother's daughter. Among the swirling mass of late 20's there were 2 (TWO) over 40 ladies there who were my absolute favorite. They found out where I worked and called me a celebrity. They do whatever they dang well please and go where ever they like and the intimidation of the 20-something hipster did not daunt them. I have made them my role models. Did I mention that was the coolest thing I've done in forever? THE COOLEST. Oh! and the cafe we had dinner at was right next to the Robie House built by Frank Lloyd Wright. No big deal. I had to tell myself to play it cool a LOT.
I'm pretty proud though, because through the whole thing I was myself. I didn't feel like I was trying to insert myself into the Hyde Park way of living. I can't compare myself to everyone else all the time. For one thing, it's tiring! There is a niche for me, exactly as I am, somewhere in this world, right? Yes. Back to the bullets.
I'm not one to dub a birthday other than what it is - A DAY. Friends on Facebook love to talk about their birthday month like it's an actual thing. It's not. It's not an actual thing you guys, but this month I did a LOT. Most of it was birthday related! It made no sense! I'm gonna tell you about it because a lot of it was really cool. By the way everyone who has a birthday in May happens to be really amazing. Coincidence? NO. IT IS NOT.
Warning: this post will be long and I apologize but there are some moments I just have to gush. And gush I will. Because I'm 28 now.
Can I put it in bullets? I wish my life were laid out in bullets. Goodness.
- I got my hair did! in what's called Marley twists and they look preeeeeetty freakin' sweet. The girl who did them is/was crazy and I won't be seeing her again but I DID adventure all the way to Uptown and walked around in leggings (!!) and a t-shirt up and down Broadway. I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.
- I saw Kate like... 3 times in a week and a half because a) she took me to Big Star for one of the best meals ever and a nice long chat about life and babies and Groundhog Day. B) her youngest, Alba, turned 1! And we had more tacos* about it, and c) I watched her oldest, Sofia, dance and definitely NOT dance in her tiny tots dance class at Hubbard Street. I could pretty much see Kate daily and have it be the best day ever every day. I value her friendship as gold.
- I'm gonna put periods on these bullet points because they are full sentences. CHECK IT.
- I spent my birthday with my BFF forever, my momma. We got pedicures, and bought shoes, and I got my mussels and fries for dinner! There is no food picture because I was feeling classy (or maybe I ate them all too fast).
- Downtown swanky sushi affairs happened. Okay 1 downtown swanky affair happened with some of the coolest co-workers (who don't know I never have anything new going on somehow). And after all the swank was swanked we went to Trader Joe's for pie. Yes.
- UBER! I DISCOVERED THE HEAVEN LIKE WONDER THAT IS UBER. OOOWEE.
This is the part where I'm gonna gush about the Kinfolk dinner for a few paragraphs. Okay, thanks.
Kinfolk Chicago dinner. *exhales* I don't even have enough words to articulate how cool this was. I decided on a pure whim to buy a ticket to a thing I've never been and I'm so glad I did. I had the pleasure of meeting Amanda Jones, co-founder of Kinfolk, design role model of mine and Instagram queen, her husband, Cree, and her baby, Jane. The weird thing about blogging and Instagram is when you meet someone you admire you already know a TON about them right off the bat, and they know SQUAT about you. So I played it slightly dumb and asked her husband for his name and was like, "Ohhh your baby is cuuute what is her naaame?" while inwardly I'm like, "OMG IT'S CREE AND JANE, IT'S CREE AND JANE, HI CREE AND JANE - HIIIII!" Amanda is super sweet and loves Gilmore Girls. I tried to get her to come home with me but it didn't work. Not sure why.
The theme of the night was "The Spirit of the Sea" and the food was themed to match. Really, it was just a chance to mingle and network a bit - a thing I am not the best at. I did meet some pretty awesome people in the little 2 hour window, though. An architect, a billion event planners, a restaurant event assistant, art teachers - just the coolest people ever. And me. The only black girl there. I am my mother's daughter. Among the swirling mass of late 20's there were 2 (TWO) over 40 ladies there who were my absolute favorite. They found out where I worked and called me a celebrity. They do whatever they dang well please and go where ever they like and the intimidation of the 20-something hipster did not daunt them. I have made them my role models. Did I mention that was the coolest thing I've done in forever? THE COOLEST. Oh! and the cafe we had dinner at was right next to the Robie House built by Frank Lloyd Wright. No big deal. I had to tell myself to play it cool a LOT.
I'm pretty proud though, because through the whole thing I was myself. I didn't feel like I was trying to insert myself into the Hyde Park way of living. I can't compare myself to everyone else all the time. For one thing, it's tiring! There is a niche for me, exactly as I am, somewhere in this world, right? Yes. Back to the bullets.
- I went on an architectural boat tour of the city with my most goodest friend, Anisha. It was cold and there were A LOT of pre-pubescant children but we survived. I also miss her face already.
- I witnessed a homeless man try to attack someone with a tiny axe. It did not end well for the homeless man because the guy he attacked seemed like he knew Krav Maga. Pretty sure...
- My niece graduated high school, and my whole entire family got to be there, which was GREAT. It's rare that we all get together. We went out to eat afterwards, it was just a really nice time. Also I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to enroll in the same university as Autumn - I'm just trying for some Financial Aid at the moment. Small hurdles!
- I had my first semi-surprise party! Yeah! I was supposed to meet up with a friend in Naperville and it ended up being my friend AND like 4 other friends, we got ice cream, and Starbucks, naturally, and they gave me a few presents! Seriously it was the sweetest thing. Also, I told my mom this and she cried (happy tears?!) like I told her she won the lottery. Can someone explain this to me?
Things I've learned a bit: it's kind of nice to be celebrated every once in a while. I like making a person feel like they matter, who doesn't want to feel like they matter in this ridiculous world? Buuut I also have little regard for myself or my well-being sometimes (all the time) so having someone say, "Hey! We like you and we're celebrating that," was actually uncomfortable. Stupid right? YEAH. I am very grateful for the people in my life, I feel so blessed and privileged, almost selfish, that I get to have them.
Woo! Bring on 28.
*I truly believe the world's problems can be solved over tacos. That is all.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
The Reader's Nook: Summer Reads pt. 1
*imagine me wearing a sweater vest and a tie with my hair very slicked down*
Thank you for joining us this week on WFMT's The Reader's Nook. This week we'll be talking about a collection of short stories that prove to be an anecdote for the soul and a post/pre-apocalyptic novel about a girl named Prenna. This week's special guest is book editor and connoisseur, Abby Mallett. Let's get started.
*classical music plays*
I'm not sure if you guys know this but it is my goal to be best friends with the dude that does all the super fast monotone intros to the classical music and features on WFMT. And then also get to do an intro to This American Life on WBEZ. If I had a podcast that would be my intro every week and somehow find a way to get Reggie Watts to be a guest star every week... all while coercing him to love me. THESE ARE THINGS I THINK ABOUT.
Let's get into it!
I've been on such a good book streak lately! For me book reading comes in waves, I'll read like 7 at a time and then read NOTHING for a month, which makes me so sad. During that time I'm browsing websites and looking to see if my favorite authors have published anything lately. So I kind of have a lull coming up since 2 of the books I requested to read... have not yet been published. Yeah. I am that lady. Tis fantastic. These two books below are perfect for light summer reading. One is short and just the right amount of intense and the other you'll be laughing so hard people WILL stare at you. Perfect for a day at the park or the beach (to which I never go) or anywhere that involves a cold drink.
The Here and Now by Ann Brashares - This would be the Ann Brashares who wrote the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. We're gonna pause here for a second so I can say unabashedly that the Sisterhood series is among my favorite books in the world. I know. I KNOW what I just did to myself but I just loved that they were best friends, more like sisters! My siblings are so far apart in age and I have never had a best friend (do you know how many posts I've started lamenting over that very fact? a LOT. The answer is a LOT) and I just... love the series. I digress. The Here and Now is about Prenna who lives in the year 2096 and the world is falling apart because mosquitoes carry deadly disease through the transmission of blood. They find a way back to 2014 to change the course of history but they can't get close to anyone. It's a short read but a really good one. Another one read in just a day.
One More Thing by B.J. Novak - EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS BOOK. This was one of those books I browsed and found at the library and I'm so glad I skipped the Goldfinch* and picked this one up. I loved B.J. Novak on The Office and also love that he's best friends with MY best friend Mindy Kaling. Obviously, it's a collection of short stories, but they're so, so hilarious. Like crying silently, shoulders shaking in a Starbucks hilarious. Stories like the tortoise and the hare rematch, after the hare has gone to therapy and taken up yoga and really found himself, or the guy who invented the calendar, originally with 40 days and 25 months, but couldn't make it through the rest of the months after December. I'm not even finished with the book yet and I know I will buy it to sit alongside Tina Fey's and Mindy Kaling's book, so they can talk and stuff. You know.
*WHO does The Goldfinch think it is?! It's 1295 pages long! And people are reading it because EVERYONE ELSE IS. Even I know that I'm gonna get super effin bored reading 1295 pages of WHATEVER. If I end up devoting my life to reading this book and my entire life isn't drastically transformed at the end I'm gonna call up SOME authority.
By the way I will be recapping my birthday WEEK next week. Every day this week, including my birthday yesterday, has been (and will be) super interesting. It'll be a party! With words.
The Reader's Nook is a place I've carved out just for readers and to talk about my favorite books every week. If you have any suggestions on books to read or would like to submit a review email me at thebirdsfly{at}me{dot}com.
Thank you for joining us this week on WFMT's The Reader's Nook. This week we'll be talking about a collection of short stories that prove to be an anecdote for the soul and a post/pre-apocalyptic novel about a girl named Prenna. This week's special guest is book editor and connoisseur, Abby Mallett. Let's get started.
*classical music plays*
I'm not sure if you guys know this but it is my goal to be best friends with the dude that does all the super fast monotone intros to the classical music and features on WFMT. And then also get to do an intro to This American Life on WBEZ. If I had a podcast that would be my intro every week and somehow find a way to get Reggie Watts to be a guest star every week... all while coercing him to love me. THESE ARE THINGS I THINK ABOUT.
Let's get into it!
I've been on such a good book streak lately! For me book reading comes in waves, I'll read like 7 at a time and then read NOTHING for a month, which makes me so sad. During that time I'm browsing websites and looking to see if my favorite authors have published anything lately. So I kind of have a lull coming up since 2 of the books I requested to read... have not yet been published. Yeah. I am that lady. Tis fantastic. These two books below are perfect for light summer reading. One is short and just the right amount of intense and the other you'll be laughing so hard people WILL stare at you. Perfect for a day at the park or the beach (to which I never go) or anywhere that involves a cold drink.
One More Thing by B.J. Novak - EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS BOOK. This was one of those books I browsed and found at the library and I'm so glad I skipped the Goldfinch* and picked this one up. I loved B.J. Novak on The Office and also love that he's best friends with MY best friend Mindy Kaling. Obviously, it's a collection of short stories, but they're so, so hilarious. Like crying silently, shoulders shaking in a Starbucks hilarious. Stories like the tortoise and the hare rematch, after the hare has gone to therapy and taken up yoga and really found himself, or the guy who invented the calendar, originally with 40 days and 25 months, but couldn't make it through the rest of the months after December. I'm not even finished with the book yet and I know I will buy it to sit alongside Tina Fey's and Mindy Kaling's book, so they can talk and stuff. You know.
*WHO does The Goldfinch think it is?! It's 1295 pages long! And people are reading it because EVERYONE ELSE IS. Even I know that I'm gonna get super effin bored reading 1295 pages of WHATEVER. If I end up devoting my life to reading this book and my entire life isn't drastically transformed at the end I'm gonna call up SOME authority.
By the way I will be recapping my birthday WEEK next week. Every day this week, including my birthday yesterday, has been (and will be) super interesting. It'll be a party! With words.
The Reader's Nook is a place I've carved out just for readers and to talk about my favorite books every week. If you have any suggestions on books to read or would like to submit a review email me at thebirdsfly{at}me{dot}com.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
The Reader's Nook
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| The world's most beautiful scarf and a copy of Alice in Wonderland from Anthro |
At work I'm always finding a corner of somewhere to sit and read while on break. It's a real feat since I work with 110 people always in my face, so you'll find me in hallways and stairwells reading silently. Most people really don't get it - I get so many questions like, "Have you always liked to read?" and, "How many books do you read in a month?" or, "I should really start reading more..." I think the long short of it is I've made a discipline of reading just like avid runners make a discipline of running. I can't brush my teeth after every meal all the time but somehow I find time to read 5 to 7 books a month. If I could fashion some sort of headgear/page-turner I would probably take up running. Audiobooks are a little bit of an oxymoron to me and don't get me started with electronic books. What's the point of reading if you can't hold the weight of a book in your hand or hear the pages turn?! Ugh. I'm a book snob.
I figure I read SO MUCH and I truly do enjoy it that I would unveil a new section here on this small space I call home: welcome to The Reader's Nook.
Every week or so I'll update on what I've been reading, what I think you should read RIGHT NOW, and my all time favorite book I basically read every year. Plus a list of classics to have in your arsenal. I really could talk about books all day. Why don't I work in a library again? Oh right, more school. *hangs head*
Today I'll just start with the two books I just finished reading. Both YA fiction. Because my name is Abby and that's my M.O.
Love Letters to the Dead by Ava Dellaira - I just finished reading this today and it was one of the most melancholy books I've read in a while. It's a well written, emotional journey of a girl named Laurel who just lost her sister. The story is told through a series of letters to her favorite people, now deceased. People like Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Amelia Earhart and Judy Garland. It progresses through stages of grief paired with the awkwardness of growing up and going to high school for the first time. In the end she finds pieces of herself that never left and learns to live her own life. I had to watch cartoons afterwards to feel better.
The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender - I will probably buy this book sometime soon. I read it in a record ONE DAY, which only my mother does usually, but I couldn't put it down. It's the right combination of love, magic, strangeness and triumph. It explores every aspect of love and loss - also the main character, Ava, has wings. Literal wings. If you like getting lost in the magic of a book this is a good one.
OKAY LONGEST POST EVER. Gosh. I'll try to keep these up and I'm pretty sure I will never run out of things to talk about. I'm kind of excited to share stuff I love with you guys.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
SLW: Guest Post - Casey
I asked Casey to guest on here a couple months ago, being a fellow single lady, I asked her to write whatever she wanted about single life or not. And she didn't say no... but she also didn't quite say yes, but she finally emailed me. I'm so happy to have her post here today!
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When Abby asked me to write a guest post for SLW, I almost wondered if she had asked the wrong person. Like Abby recently shared, I never have anything to say when people ask me, "What's new with you?" Therefore, I feel like I had NOTHING to write about. I figured I'd give it a shot though.
As a single lady, I read A LOT of blogs. Therefore, I decided to pull an idea from one of my favorite blogs, Sometimes Sweet. I’ve been borderline obsessed with blogs since I was in college, and Danielle Hampton’s blog was one of the first ones I remember reading. To give you an idea of how obsessed I was (read: still am), I gave up blogs for lent one year in college because I was spending entirely too much time reading them. It was bad. Anyways, Danielle writes a “Currently” post from time to time, where she talks about different things she’s enjoying in her life. Here’s my attempt at a Currently post…
Reading: I started reading/listening to To Kill a Mockingbird, via an audio book, on my drive to and from work. I live about 20 minutes from the school I work at so I always try to get an audio book from the library to enjoy on my short commute. Go ahead and shun me now, but I have never read To Kill a Mockingbird. For years, my mom has tried to get me to read it, saying that I would love it, but somehow it just slipped through the cracks. Anyways, I requested it from the library, but the 7th disc ended up being so scratched that it wouldn’t play. I didn’t want to wait to request another copy of the audio book so I’ve been reading the physical book. I’ve also been listening to The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zaslow, via an audio book, on my commute to work now. And I recently borrowed Brain on Fire by Susannah Cahalan from the library. I have yet to start that one. I’m not usually one to read multiple books at a time, but lately I’ve been juggling 2-3 books at a time. Things are getting wild over here!
Eating: Cinnamon Toast Crunch…in a rather large bowl. I can never get enough of that stuff. I go through phases with cereal. I’ve enjoyed large quantities of Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Life, Frosted Mini Wheats, etc. For the most part, I literally eat nothing other than cereal during those phases…and I love it. Also, sunflower seeds are one of my main food groups.
Thinking about: Summer. One of the major perks of working in a school is the schedule a.k.a. summers off. I have a big trip planned this summer and I.AM.EXCITED. My friend and I are going to DC, NYC and Boston. I will be crossing quite a few things off of my unofficial bucket list, as well as my 26 Before 27 list. Man, oh man. Did I explain how excited I am? We are planning to visit The Today Show, which is basically my main goal in life. Ed Sheeran will be playing for The Today Show’s summer concert series while we’re there. (Insert heart eyes emoji here). We’re going to try for Jimmy Fallon and/or SNL tickets too. There will be food. There will be fun. I’m tempted to countdown with a paper chain.
Listening: Podcasts. Recently, a friend reminded me about the wonderful world of podcasts. Comedy Bang Bang is my current favorite. The other night I was trying to fall asleep while listening to it and one of the guests was Amy Poehler. Basically, I laughed myself to sleep. It was grand. They were rapping about butter. Enough said. As far as music, my playlist is always all over the place. Currently, it includes: Ed Sheeran, Manchester Orchestra, Jake Bugg, Talk Dirty to Me by Jason Derulo, Do You Want to Build a Snowman by Princess Anna, etc. I had to throw those specific songs in there if I’m being 100% honest in this post.
Watching: This is a silly question. The answer is always Gilmore Girls. I have a running list of shows that I want to watch, but somehow I always end up engrossed by one of Lorelai and Rory’s long-winded conversations. Those two, I love them. I used to pick a random season when I was in the mood to watch, but I’ve preferred watching from start to finish over the last few years. If only I could tell you how many times I’ve watched the entire series. Honestly, I wish I knew the number. Also, if you’ve read any of Abby’s amazing live tweets related to Gilmore Girls, you’d notice that I’ve favorited 99% of them. I would also be watching Parenthood, but the season just ended. There were tears, lots of tears. For some balance, I’ve been watching The Mindy Project too, which always provides me with a good laugh.
Loving: Excuse me while I get a little sentimental, but I love my friends. This really isn’t anything new, but I’ve just had some good moments with my pals lately. Most of these moments have been so simple too. Conversations over coffee. A quick phone call after work. Running errands with a friend. I’m just very thankful.
Well, that’s it. There’s your peek into what’s going on in the life of your average single lady. A big thank you to Abby for asking me to write a guest post and putting me waaayyyy outside of my comfort zone.
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THAT ROAD TRIP THO! AAARRRGH I wish summer break was still a thing. And Gilmore Girls - ugh, Gilmore Girls *clutches heart.* I love the "reading, loving, watching" posts - it's a good way to catch up and actually gives you a little perspective on what you might call "nothing." Someone's "nothing" is someone else's amazing adventure. Also I totally want to listen to podcasts now!
I am always up for a guest post - thoughts on single hood from a married standpoint, advice, recipes for one (or recipes for 2 that I will eat alone and not tell anyone) ANYTHING! Email me at thebirdsfly{at}me{dot}com.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
SLW: life lately + Gilmore Girls
Almost every Wednesday, in a sincere effort not to drive anywhere, I get Chinese food from this place in front of my apartment. I can walk to it and the food is cheap but good and the combination of those things is a slam dunk, home run. The only drawback is I have to walk by this fitness place, you know the pop up ones that kinda yell at you in all forms? "NUTRITION 24. GETTING FIT IS THE NEW SKINNY. SWEAT IS JUST FAT PEEING OUT OF YOUR PORES." I make special care not to look into the place because I'm afraid strong, overly hyped up on steroids guys will pick me up and carry me into the place and force me to exercise when all I want is the sweet and sour chicken lunch special. I try to look very menacing and determined when I pass, which just mostly comes off as "pissed because I'm constipated."
Thought I would just share that with ya...
I'm just really trying to avoid the question, "What's new with you?" It makes me wish I had a kid to talk about, because there is never a lack of conversation when you have a kid. There is always something developing or school or SOMETHING to talk and bond over whereas I'm over here like, "Well, I just got over a stomach virus soooo my poop's finally no longer liquid!" and that's how I lose friends. But it also makes me a little down when I haven't seen friends in a long time and they ask what's new and NOTHING is new. Even after years of time. I'm not saying life has to be this roller coaster of adventure but it's easy to feel boring when you're single and you work and do little else but read YA fiction in your spare time. And then you start to BOND with other people over the fact that you're super lame! No really, the other day I saw this girl I knew from like 7th grade and we lamented over the fact that our friends are married and buying houses. In fact, her friend was in the process of buying a good chunk of Pottery Barn and she went to Starbucks to get away from it all. I always say life's weird, but I mean can we just agree today and say life's WEIRD?? Other than that weird run in, I've been good! Promise, hand to God. Besides that whole stomach virus thing. That was a real thing that happened last week. Blech.
Anyways, I've been watching a lot (an understatement) of Gilmore Girls. Like a TON. I forgot how amazing that show is and how much my mom and I are Lorelai and Rory. Why aren't shows written like that anymore?? It's so intelligent and funny! Like why can't actual life hold conversations with obscure cultural references in them all the time? AND why can't Stars Hollow exist?? It makes me want to up and move to Connecticut and then I rememberrrrr that would be a bad idea. Alexis Bledel isn't there waiting for me with coffee. THAT makes me sad.
I keep trying to relate everything in my life to that show and my brain is on HYPER speed with quick witted quips now. It's like when you hear someone speak in a British accent and you can't help but start to say 'banahhhnahs' over and over again. You can find all my GG thoughts on Twitter (@abbyblujay) since I've decided to live tweet every episode I watch. This decision is sound right? Of course it is.
Happy Wednesday my dears!
Thought I would just share that with ya...
I'm just really trying to avoid the question, "What's new with you?" It makes me wish I had a kid to talk about, because there is never a lack of conversation when you have a kid. There is always something developing or school or SOMETHING to talk and bond over whereas I'm over here like, "Well, I just got over a stomach virus soooo my poop's finally no longer liquid!" and that's how I lose friends. But it also makes me a little down when I haven't seen friends in a long time and they ask what's new and NOTHING is new. Even after years of time. I'm not saying life has to be this roller coaster of adventure but it's easy to feel boring when you're single and you work and do little else but read YA fiction in your spare time. And then you start to BOND with other people over the fact that you're super lame! No really, the other day I saw this girl I knew from like 7th grade and we lamented over the fact that our friends are married and buying houses. In fact, her friend was in the process of buying a good chunk of Pottery Barn and she went to Starbucks to get away from it all. I always say life's weird, but I mean can we just agree today and say life's WEIRD?? Other than that weird run in, I've been good! Promise, hand to God. Besides that whole stomach virus thing. That was a real thing that happened last week. Blech.
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| Oh hey let me introduce you to my best friends in the world, Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel. (Please still be friends with me, please.) |
Anyways, I've been watching a lot (an understatement) of Gilmore Girls. Like a TON. I forgot how amazing that show is and how much my mom and I are Lorelai and Rory. Why aren't shows written like that anymore?? It's so intelligent and funny! Like why can't actual life hold conversations with obscure cultural references in them all the time? AND why can't Stars Hollow exist?? It makes me want to up and move to Connecticut and then I rememberrrrr that would be a bad idea. Alexis Bledel isn't there waiting for me with coffee. THAT makes me sad.
I keep trying to relate everything in my life to that show and my brain is on HYPER speed with quick witted quips now. It's like when you hear someone speak in a British accent and you can't help but start to say 'banahhhnahs' over and over again. You can find all my GG thoughts on Twitter (@abbyblujay) since I've decided to live tweet every episode I watch. This decision is sound right? Of course it is.
Happy Wednesday my dears!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
SLW: reads
I made a mistake. I've been reading, slightly embarrassingly, this book about how "It's Not You" in terms of being single. It's by Sara Eckel and it's just dispelling the thoughts every single person has. "I'm too picky" or "I'm not trying hard enough" or "I'm too sad" or "I'm too focused on my career." It makes you feel like a normal human again and even helps you skirt past single shaming questions of "why are you single?" and "what's wrong with you?" with the response of "well, why are you married?" and "leave me alone." It was an insightful book with a lot of laugh out loud moments and some moments that made me FREAK. OUT.
For example: she meets her husband at 41 *gulps and moves on* and has to come to terms with the fact that she can either choose to have biological children or wait for the one. I stopped, put the book down, and went in a corner and cried for a while, because at 27 it never crossed my mind that I may not marry until well into my 40's or 50's and way past child bearing age. I want a literal brood of children, I've always wanted a lot of kids and that just... rocked my world. It's something I'm not ready to come to terms with yet. Hence all the tears and I KNOW I know. It's weird of me to freak out about something that hasn't even happened yet, events that haven't come to pass at ALL but! It IS something that hit me square in the face with a bit of reality.
I always think about Rachel, Jacob's wife, who prayed and prayed and prayed for a son only for her to finally have one and give him right back to God. I don't even know if I would have the strength to do that, but I do know that God hears me when I pray and I just need to trust him. Even while I continue to freak the heck out.
Also I think I'm gonna stop reading "self-help" books for... forever. and maybe just go live at church.
For example: she meets her husband at 41 *gulps and moves on* and has to come to terms with the fact that she can either choose to have biological children or wait for the one. I stopped, put the book down, and went in a corner and cried for a while, because at 27 it never crossed my mind that I may not marry until well into my 40's or 50's and way past child bearing age. I want a literal brood of children, I've always wanted a lot of kids and that just... rocked my world. It's something I'm not ready to come to terms with yet. Hence all the tears and I KNOW I know. It's weird of me to freak out about something that hasn't even happened yet, events that haven't come to pass at ALL but! It IS something that hit me square in the face with a bit of reality.
I always think about Rachel, Jacob's wife, who prayed and prayed and prayed for a son only for her to finally have one and give him right back to God. I don't even know if I would have the strength to do that, but I do know that God hears me when I pray and I just need to trust him. Even while I continue to freak the heck out.
Also I think I'm gonna stop reading "self-help" books for... forever. and maybe just go live at church.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
SLW: a recant
Remember a while ago when I said, "When I leave my house I always look cute because I never know who I'll meet"...?
WELL I TAKE BACK THAT STATEMENT.
I had no idea the GUILT associated with saying that! As soon as I wear yoga pants out of my house I'm like "Aw I just missed my husband," or wear my ratty TOMS instead of my cute Gap flats, "Well you just missed your husband," or I didn't do my hair and went to Dairy Queen, "Dang girl you could have met your husband today." THESE ARE THINGS I THINK ABOUT. And it is TERRIBLE.
So here's a new statement. DO YOU GURL. Wear whatever the heck you want, maybe don't be naked, but let's all thank God that meeting "the one" isn't dependent on the fact that you went with generic glasses instead of Ray Bans. Actually I don't know if meeting someone is dependent on anything but just living life.
LIVE YO LIFE GURL.
That is all.
p.s. You know the cute layered outfits pinned on Pinterest? Are they homeless, cuz they clearly don't spend their money on anything else BUT CLOTHES. I just... needed to say that.
WELL I TAKE BACK THAT STATEMENT.
I had no idea the GUILT associated with saying that! As soon as I wear yoga pants out of my house I'm like "Aw I just missed my husband," or wear my ratty TOMS instead of my cute Gap flats, "Well you just missed your husband," or I didn't do my hair and went to Dairy Queen, "Dang girl you could have met your husband today." THESE ARE THINGS I THINK ABOUT. And it is TERRIBLE.
So here's a new statement. DO YOU GURL. Wear whatever the heck you want, maybe don't be naked, but let's all thank God that meeting "the one" isn't dependent on the fact that you went with generic glasses instead of Ray Bans. Actually I don't know if meeting someone is dependent on anything but just living life.
LIVE YO LIFE GURL.
That is all.
p.s. You know the cute layered outfits pinned on Pinterest? Are they homeless, cuz they clearly don't spend their money on anything else BUT CLOTHES. I just... needed to say that.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
SLW: living life to the fullest!
There are a lot of adages for single people. Our manifesto if you will. Live life to the fullest (because you are alone). Accept happiness (because you don't have a person to make you happy). She turned her can't into cans and her dreams into plans (cuz eventually you'll just die alone). I believe there is a whole Pinterest category of hipster typographical phrases with either a background of mountains or stars or books. Pretty sure I've looked at all of them, late at night, while thinking about buying something from Anthropologie online at the same time.
What about when you're in a bad place? When you're feeling a little lost? What if THAT is your fullest you can live at the moment? And can't that be enough?! A friend sent me an article that said accepting you're not happy isn't saying "Yes, I wanted this," it just IS what's going on. But you'll move on from there when that time comes. When that is... I wonder that every day. My manager is always upset that my response to, "How's it going??," is, "meh," followed by a shrug. It's the truth! I'm at a job I don't like and I'm not necessarily SAD but I sure as heck ain't jovial so a "meh" for your life is what you get.
The thing I know is I WILL move on from this even though I'm in the thick of what seems like a forever transition period. Don't know what I should do with my life, maybe I laid down in the middle of the floor the other day and admitted to myself, that yeah I do REALLY want a frickin boyfriend. All I can do is get up, go to work, come home, shower and sleep only to do it all over the next day. This is how I'm getting through. This is my fullest and I'm okay with that.
But also here are some quotes I found on Pinterest to lift your spirits a bit.
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HAPPY WEDNESDAY
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
SLW: the lady doctor
Oh yes. We're about to go there.
I have read a few funny accounts of going to the gynecologist and they're all full of expletives. Who can blame them because you're effin naked in front of an effin stranger getting felt up. Things get real is all.
Nurse: "Do you wanna get screened for HIV or any STD's?"
Me: "...Dooo you have to have sex to get those?"
Nurse: "Um. Yeah."
Me: "Mmkaythen noo."
This is my yearly bout of action I get - the closest to a "good time" I've ever been. Really, my doctor is super nice and very to the point, which in gynecology is a blessing. (I feel like small talk should just be banned until your fingers are OUT of my insides.)
"Have you ever fainted from the... Ya know... Odor down there?" I ponder silently. I tried to all but plant a rose garden in my Netherlands this morning. There is a special place in Heaven for people that willingly stick their face inches from hundreds of genitals that may smell really terrible for medical reasons. It's a really clean place in Heaven. Odorless. Lots of clouds.
I always end up in fits of uncontrollable laughter mostly because the entire thing, while it's wholly medical, is also wholly ridiculous. The nurse points to the gown and says, "Opening to the front," and I was down for at least a minute when she left. While on the table, normal conversation is just... very much inhibited by the fact that her hands are on my boobs yet she's congratulating me on losing weight since I've seen her last. I opened my mouth to ask her out for maybe some coffee since we're so close but I thought against it.
"Maybe I can qualify this as 'Go on a date' for my resolutions for this year..."
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