growing up

I didn't intend to write this... I thought of going with a funny one today for you guys. Then I got jury duty and my whole day changed. Barf.

We'll start with a tiny bit of history.

I stay pretty surface with almost everyone I know except my family. I've never really known how to navigate emotions and hard conversations with anything but bursting into tears and advanced avoidance skills. I complain a lot about not having friends and that comes from under developed social skills paired with being overly eager in the beginning stages of friendship.

I remember in being 8th grade and sitting with who I thought were my best friends in the world and the teacher asked each of us if our best friends were here. I was the only one who responded yes. The other two responded no pretty quickly. Inwardly I FLIPPED out. How did I know them so little all of a sudden? It was like I was talking to strangers. The friendship never made it to high school. This happened over and over and over again until I realized I could stop talking to people. Oh happy day! When things got a little too real I cut it off expertly. Granted, I hung out with the STUPIDEST people sometimes (probably to not have to delve and find quality people) but when I was done, I was done. They were idiots. I was pretty adamant about telling others about their stupidity.

How incredibly childish of me. Did I mention I was in college when a lot of this happened?? In reality I didn't know how to navigate relationships very well. I didn't realize this until TODAY.

I'm stubborn and opinionated and eager to please and still scared by my own emotions sometimes. Friends that I know are good people are becoming annoying and petty to me because while THEY are evolving and growing I am not. I haven't recognized growth in myself enough to navigate the evolution of relationships. I've never even had a close friend longer than a few years - it's usually after a couple years when the relationship changes and that's when I cut it off. How... have I not seen this?! It took me complaining to a friend to break the news to me that... hey we're growing up and maybe it's time to face the fact that this isn't an area of expertise for you (though I claim it is... WOMP), lay it bare and go from there. Instead of retreating, like I'm currently doing in one friendship, I should probably communicate more.

Pretty sure I thought friendship was sunshine and roses and sharing and secrets and hair braiding and hugs. A friendship IS a relationship - I've been holding the two apart for as long as I can remember. Having real conversations is admitting things aren't 100% rosy and that is a weird thing for me to face.

So I'm gonna try to... be a normal person and communicate even when it's uncomfortable. A lot of my life lessons lately have been surrounding communication and action. It. is. the. pits.