Tuesday, August 30, 2011

late bloomer

I am what you call... methodical. I think things through... process things out over very long periods of time. If i could have ruminated in the womb for an extra 9 months just to make sure i was COMPLETELY ready to come out i probably would have.

there are something i never had to think about, for instance, my major in college, graphic design. That was probably the easiest decision i've ever made. it was like breathing in and out. for the longest time when i was little i said i wanted to do something with art and computers and *SMACK!* thus graphic design was born out of that need for many creative types like myself. i thought everyone had it that easy until i talked to my peers. choosing a major was hard! who knew. secretly i wanted it to be difficult for myself too but... i couldn't make it. graphic design chose me. i thank God for that clarity.

art aside everything else has always come late. i was literally the LAST girl in my 8th grade class to get her period. i didn't get my ears pierced til 13. I didn't stop loving American Girl dolls til 15. I didn't develop a remote sense of style til 19. I shopped at FASHION BUG for Pete's sake. Pete was very ashamed of me back then. Even when i go in there today I get PIPING mad. it is the worst store ever created. Making a decision can come quick but my version of quick is god-awful long for most everyone else. I am introverted so when I process it's internally. My thought process is sporadic and not always connected but it's there... steady like gears in a clock. job development has always been slow because you can't just push me into a role. i just don't go. i gotta process it then go.

unfortunately it takes a toll on the relationships i have. it takes me a long time to know a person and from there i make a decision to either be all in or know you aren't worth it. isn't that HORRIBLE?! every person is WORTH it but not every person needs to be in your life. things don't work that way. somehow in my life i know that i take a long time to process and get to know a person but in relationships i want to rush EVERYTHING. i always end up feeling like a little kid seeing all her toys and wanting to pick them ALL up and when i do everything falls out of my arms and I'm left holding one toy. I want to know everyone and everyone should be my friend and you're awesome! hey I'M awesome lets be friends and before you know it i've overloaded my arms and overstuffed my steady-geared brain and everything falls apart.

some relationships are so easy that i don't HAVE to think. it's like that with Anisha (in Florida). i can pick up with her like I just saw her yesterday. and if i think you're worth it i'm ALL in! i'm so in that i'll change myself just so i STAY in. I'll think of ways to make you smile and make you happy and things i can bake for you and tweet just so you giggle and.... then i overload grow distant and remember i need to slow down and... that sudden shift makes everything crumble. it's like when you press on the brakes a little too hard with that cup of hot coffee in your hand. it's weird cuz i wait for that shift; it always happens, i always wake up. but that's when the real test comes... if you push BACK at me when i grow distant then i know you're made of something other than fluff. I. am so. WEIRD! haha

it's frustrating! i literally WATCH relationships crumble like they're not mine. i stand on the sidelines and watch... picking at the grass... humming to myself while my actual self is self destructing from the inside.

why'd i even write this at 1AM? haha... i'm tired of watching my relationships crumble and after processing for a bit i just needed to write. thanks for reading. (for the record i would have left mid sentence on the third paragraph. haha)

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