late bloomer

I am what you call... methodical. I think things through... process things out over very long periods of time. If i could have ruminated in the womb for an extra 9 months just to make sure i was COMPLETELY ready to come out i probably would have.

there are something i never had to think about, for instance, my major in college, graphic design. That was probably the easiest decision i've ever made. it was like breathing in and out. for the longest time when i was little i said i wanted to do something with art and computers and *SMACK!* thus graphic design was born out of that need for many creative types like myself. i thought everyone had it that easy until i talked to my peers. choosing a major was hard! who knew. secretly i wanted it to be difficult for myself too but... i couldn't make it. graphic design chose me. i thank God for that clarity.

art aside everything else has always come late. i was literally the LAST girl in my 8th grade class to get her period. i didn't get my ears pierced til 13. I didn't stop loving American Girl dolls til 15. I didn't develop a remote sense of style til 19. I shopped at FASHION BUG for Pete's sake. Pete was very ashamed of me back then. Even when i go in there today I get PIPING mad. it is the worst store ever created. Making a decision can come quick but my version of quick is god-awful long for most everyone else. I am introverted so when I process it's internally. My thought process is sporadic and not always connected but it's there... steady like gears in a clock. job development has always been slow because you can't just push me into a role. i just don't go. i gotta process it then go.

unfortunately it takes a toll on the relationships i have. it takes me a long time to know a person and from there i make a decision to either be all in or know you aren't worth it. isn't that HORRIBLE?! every person is WORTH it but not every person needs to be in your life. things don't work that way. somehow in my life i know that i take a long time to process and get to know a person but in relationships i want to rush EVERYTHING. i always end up feeling like a little kid seeing all her toys and wanting to pick them ALL up and when i do everything falls out of my arms and I'm left holding one toy. I want to know everyone and everyone should be my friend and you're awesome! hey I'M awesome lets be friends and before you know it i've overloaded my arms and overstuffed my steady-geared brain and everything falls apart.

some relationships are so easy that i don't HAVE to think. it's like that with Anisha (in Florida). i can pick up with her like I just saw her yesterday. and if i think you're worth it i'm ALL in! i'm so in that i'll change myself just so i STAY in. I'll think of ways to make you smile and make you happy and things i can bake for you and tweet just so you giggle and.... then i overload grow distant and remember i need to slow down and... that sudden shift makes everything crumble. it's like when you press on the brakes a little too hard with that cup of hot coffee in your hand. it's weird cuz i wait for that shift; it always happens, i always wake up. but that's when the real test comes... if you push BACK at me when i grow distant then i know you're made of something other than fluff. I. am so. WEIRD! haha

it's frustrating! i literally WATCH relationships crumble like they're not mine. i stand on the sidelines and watch... picking at the grass... humming to myself while my actual self is self destructing from the inside.

why'd i even write this at 1AM? haha... i'm tired of watching my relationships crumble and after processing for a bit i just needed to write. thanks for reading. (for the record i would have left mid sentence on the third paragraph. haha)

my getaway weekend (lots o' photos!)

This weekend was AWESOME. I visited Katherine and her husband in Sturgis, Michigan, and while Sturgis is the equivalent of a trailer park as far as quality of life it boasts a quiet little lake on which their house sits. It's literally its only redeeming quality, ask Katherine haha. The lake is BEAUTIFUL! They have a family of swans and little swan babies that come and visit and the sunsets don't even make sense! I could have stayed in their living room forever but that's lame. and creepy! here's a brief breakdown of the days

Friday: unintentionally slept in, ran around like a CRAZY person, got my oil changed, did laundry, baked cheesecake brownies for my hosts, packed and somehow left right on time ALSO getting gas and monies. yeah! I realize that 2.5 hours is my favorite drive time... it's the IDEAL drive time. anything over that is excessive and why do you live that far?! why am i driving?! i'd rather have someone pull me in a wagon the whole way if it's over 2.5 hours. I made it! Thought i was in a "Deliverance" situation for a second with their creepy neighbors but crisis averted. We ate a rich dinner of creamy pesto chicken pasta (and fell into heavy pasta coma's and stomach aches) and cheesecake brownies followed by Scrubs on Netflix. These people get me. They really do. Scrubs is my FAVORITE.

Saturday: made coffee cake from scratch (oh, streusel... i love you.) and tooled around until meeting up with Sharon and going to the botanical gardens. we ditched the hot HOT gardens and went to the Southside Soda Shop instead where i got a Blue Moon ice cream milk shake. heck YES. it was kind of pure heaven. I got a first class tour of downtown Goshen and introduced to Better World Books where I found WAY TOO MANY GOOD BOOKS. What a crime right? lol It was perfection. i could have lived there if it was legal. Even if it wasn't. We briefly visited Ten Thousand Villages (woo!) and got a something to drink at Constant Springs before heading to the most Americanized Mexican place in the world, La Hacienda. You dip the tortilla chips in ranch and salsa. Indiana in a nutshell everyone. Indiana. Buuuuut it was probably the most tasty thing ever I can't lie. We finally saw One Day and cried like small school girls and headed home to watch I Love You, Man (which i'd never seen before) and laughed hysterically. Seriously funny movie! Must. OWN! Also I randomly looked up to see the most stars i've ever seen in my entire life. I almost cried but that would have been lame so I just said "awwweeesoooome" and went inside their house. Turns out I'm kind of a sap! Huh!

Sunday: I slept in hardcore. It was pretty great. Lounged around on their couch and watched the lake folk and the baby swans learn how to fly (pretty amazing sight) then headed out. Quickest drive home EVER helped by the fact that i gain an hour back so 2.5 hours was like 1 hour cuz of the time change. LOVES IT.

all in all it was one of the most relaxing weekends EVER fueled by food and a love for prettily designed things. Sharon was awesome too! I kind of wish I knew her before now!

Thank you Katherine and Chris : )

 

 

 

1 & 2 - the view from their living room windows 3 - the botanical gardens 4, 5, 6 & 7 - Better World books. Seriously!? perfection. 8 - Sharon and her amazingness pointing at the fleur de lis wall 9 - some good coffee and a GIANT slice of coffee cake. perfect sunday morning fare. 


all photos were taken with the Camera+ app for iPhone. one of the best photo apps EVER. kid you not. 

{about art} and other things

Thank you to other Abbey for posting a summary of this dudes blog post! this was my summary. I like this whole {about...} quote thing that has come to life. Thoughts on it? How's that novel you've been working on?

There has been a lot going on lately but I've been conflicted about sharing it on the blog, which is why I've been absent. The concept of blogging is weird when you think about it. You let people in on a slice of your life. The art slice, the home slice (hilarious.), the work slice, but you can say or not say what you want. From the readers perspective everything could be awesome and in reality things might be crumbling around you. I'm starting to think letting a little of the negative things that happen in alongside the positive is a good thing. It makes the happy stuff so much sweeter, since you can only reach SO many levels of happiness and it starts to lose it's genuine feeling. It's also weird when you choose to put something on here that people may not necessarily agree with and you have to defend what you CHOSE to publicly discuss. Internet culture is really interesting. That should definitely be part of theory courses, don't you think? I could discuss the double standards of the internet/sharing all. day. ok not really all day my head would explode and i'd kill you. but over Starbucks? TOTES.

Michigan via gathered heart

But first, a good thing. Miracle of miracles, I kid you not, somehow I shouted a time off request to the scheduling angel and SOMEONE HEARD ME. I have a couple days off! I realized that I haven't had more than a day off Apple in 18 months (aka when i started). I took some days off for the wedding but... that was actually more stressful than work haha so it definitely does NOT count. It was too short notice to go down to St. Louis where Jayme and Jon live but I'll be in Michigan with Mrs. Gathered Heart herself for a couple days. I'm happy to get out of Orland Park! I just... again things have happened (are happening) that I may share with you when I get back but I'm glad for a small getaway. See you all on the flip side... the flip side being Monday. Obvi.

{about life}

this book. was so good. i'm going to buy it on Friday. please read it.

the entry before is the preface just to let you know : )

*well the secret's out isn't it. Sorry no long drawn out explanation... cuz it takes everything in me just to wrap my head around the concept of it.  woo. light headed. moving on. but i will totally discuss it with you after i don't feel nauseous at the thought. hah. but for real.

p.s. buttermilk is an amazing typeface. UH-MAZING.

and then... it was time...

if you said, "for The Clash! At! Demonheaaaad!" immediately after reading my entry title then congratulations you happen to love Scott Pilgrim vs. the World as much as I do. (fact: I love Scott Pilgrim vs. the World almost as much as I love baking. FACT.)

BUT. It's time for me to list my goals. I've kind of been holding off listing them because they contain a SECRET. A secret I didn't want to get out quite yet because whenever I tell someone I'm going to do something... something inevitably happens to where I CAN'T do the thing I was so excited about. Like when you were little you told EVERYONE you were going to Disney World and then you get there and it rains every day and you're confined to the hotel with way less beds than people in your family. Right? I don't ever broadcast me going on a health kick because when I fall of the wagon people become all "so how's that novel you've been working on??" You tell people you wanna knit for them and then it gets to a point where you HATE knitting because you knit SO MUCH and then people awkwardly look at you because you never knit them that gun holster (DORIAN.).

Hey, guess what people? Going out on a limb is hard. You fall off the wagon. It rains for a week straight. Maybe you have an off season with knitting. You get your heart broken, stomped on, vomited on and left for dead. And sometimes after that heart break maybe you eat an entire pint of Coldstone's Cake Batter ice cream (but who says I'm speaking from experience?). But hey. You get back up... dust yourself off and wash your dirty clothes... take a needle and thread and mend up your heart and you make more goals because you can't ever give up. You only got one life. Maybe cover your heart in a good wallpaper. Make it all fashionable and whatnot. Probably start drinking some water to cleanse out that ice cream.

OK. I've put this off long enough but don't leave me hanging guys. Post some goals. I want to read them and help you get through them because again... going out on a limb is hard. I'll post my goals in the next entry so I don't get all CRAZY LONG with this one.

p.s. - also i really like jay-z and kanye's new album. ummm who never thought those words would come out of my mouth?? is that my hand raised?! dang. it is.

cry baby

I'm not sure if you're a fan of Gnarls Barkley or Cee-Lo Green but! his new video for "Cry Baby" is making me smile. Oddly enough it's about a break-up but it's one of those feel good break-up songs before you get into the horribly sappy stuff that makes you wanna die. Ya know. Balance!

my mustard yellow Target purse died. then i found THIS.

and it's all MINE! bought here!

{about art}

there is no end to how much i love pbs.

#thisjusttosay

this. watch it. that's all i got. goodnight

don't fence me in

Sometime's I get caught up. I get caught up in being an artist and having every moment be about the art and what it means and having that artistic meaningful moment be relevant to creating more art. How much of a zany hipster do I sound like right now?! I mean I am one but still.

The artist community is competitive by nature. I would say I live on the edge of the artist community somewhere near Musiciansville, Literary Lane, and Homemakers Avenue. I embrace where I set up camp.

Today, I didn't do much in terms of "art" in a literal sense. I did not design a thing, I DID write down a list of goals I'd like to accomplish thanks to Katherine (love her.), I cleaned my room, did my laundry, stared lovingly at my bike and read Real Simple and the book I'm trying to finish so I can start another. I call this a good day.

I am starting to realize that creating one thing every day is tiring and filled with pressure and not very realistic in it's demand. I started to feel guilty that I hadn't "created" a new piece of artwork or worked on something relevant to my craft, SKETCHED more, ILLUSTRATED more, watched more TED talks about the creative MIND. Ugh!

I would say that today I created a relaxing day for myself. That is my one thing I created today. I am first and foremost a reader and got to totally remind myself of that AND i set up future goals for myself! hoorays! I am continually looking for inspiration outside of my computer which has started to give me a headache recently (oh hi college revisited).

I also realize that while I am an artist I am not defined by it. The art I create does not get to turn around and tell me who I am. I think I lost sight of that for a while. I was jealous of the things people do, and create, the opportunities other artists get. But I'm not them. They're not me. I have my own list of goals that, when writing them, came way easier than I thought they would. All of a sudden I had a whole page of things I wanted to do in the next year.

I need to remind myself that I am who I am, don't try to be anyone else. I am pushing myself to build a thick portfolio by next January and that is a task in and of itself. I know I'll get there, too.

by Dana Tanamachi - featured on Design*Sponge today. did you SWOON or WHAT?!

alsooooo i need to stop being so self centered. it is not all about me. i need to remember my friends and bake for them. i want to bake for you, friends. knit you scarves and socks and cowls and hats. make you posters for your wall. smack me around a bit hmm? I can take a beating... 'member that one time I fell off my bike!? chyeah. true story. i'm 25. i bit the asphalt. what of it? that's not the point. if you're into it (cuz i totally am), i happen to enjoy pizza followed by tea and baked goods. Let's get some sometime ok?

how to live life

i met a woman today, 73 years old, who just got an iPad and found Pandora. She was in love. She also gushed (really. gushed!) to me about her going on a cruise in Germany down the Rhine with her boyfriend.  She had recently lost her spouse about 5 years ago and so did her current bf... and they found each other. By this time I was kiiind of teary. Yep. That happened. So I talked to her about her Guide to Germany app and how she and her 76 year old boyfriend were gonna have so much fun. She told me 'well it's okay we got separate cabins so i can break the rules if i want.' um... giggle and blush fest on my end haha

Here's the clincher... she got up to leave and I noticed the tip of a bag on the floor behind the table. I asked her if that was hers and she reveals a VICTORIA'S SECRET bag. Now SHE'S the one blushing and giggling and in my head I'm like "GET IT GURL! GON' HEAD! MHMM!" This 73 year old woman and her 76 year old boyfriend on a cruise... and she's so excited! She kept telling me, "I never thought I would date an older guy!" ugh! *instant heartbreak*

If I'm half the amazing older person she is I will count myself lucky. I feel like she found the trick to living is... TO LIVE. She told me, "hey we're both still WALKING and able to eat anything we want and we're not hurting for cash... why not?" If this slightly voyeuristic woman embraced this mentality why can't I at 25? What sincerely holding me back?

p.s. - is there a trend in my posts? crazy inspirational stuff has been happening lately. i'm starting to pay attention to them... what does it MEAN double rainbow?! what does it meaaaan?!?

p.p.s - is anyone finding it hard to be healthy lately? all i think about is losing weight and all i can do is NOT DO IT. i hate it!! any tips to snap out of bad eating habits?? BUH. i don't hate water or vegetables i just happen to like horrible food WAY more! i'm a bad person am i not... *sobs*