SLW musings III

First of all thank you so much for the suggestions on future Single Lady Wednesday posts! I realize I could probably make an entire blog about my singleness but I hate pigeonholing myself when I write. I want to have it all in one place. I like that Single Lady Wednesday can ride along side personal situations and funny family stories. I like it a lot. Trust that I slyly took out a pad of paper and wrote all your suggestions down for later on. And by pad of paper I mean the Stickies application on my computer. Technology. *shrugs*

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I feel like I'm JUST NOW coming out of a haze from last week's tragedy and I can think clearly (thank you for your condolences, they helped so much). Then my body decided to hit me with the ultimate single lady monthly friend... except it was on a 3 month hiatus previously. So I've been literally laid low with the fact that my lady parts are actually trying to kill me. I'm pretty sure it's some kind of conspiracy theory? I'm reading up on it... trying to put together a case so I can subpoena and sue my uterus.

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I am coming out and saying it... I think Starbucks is my boyfriend. I think it was written in the stars to be honest. I work for a company that chooses it's locations based on proximity to Starbucks and my managers/co-workers/bosses/bosses bosses go there MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY. Granted they all get stuffy boss drinks like Americano's (which actually taste like cigarette butts mixed with coffee beans) or something called a Red Eye. ick. pass. I'll take the sweet coffee please? Venti? Extra whipped cream? Can I actually just get whipped cream in a cup with caramel drizzle on top? (my sister actually did this for her birthday drink - Starbucks didn't bat an eyelash.)

If you really don't believe me behold Exhibit A - a plastic homage to how much money I spend there. zomg.

Exhibit A

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I definitely just placed an order for mustard yellow skinny jeans. Online shopping has become way too accessible and easy lately. Also Gap has started to SUPER appeal to my aesthetic. Clean and simple yet stylish. I also walk past it daily on my way to work. Curse you Gap! I fell in.

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Sometimes on my day off I play Bejeweled Blitz all day and watch as much Ina Garten as possible. That day is today and I'm so okay with that.

Hopefully I should be hitting you up with a few new SLW things soon. Also... RENEGADE IS COMING and THAT is an adventure I'm very excited to share with you. 

Happy Wednesday!

Dealing.

I grew up 8 and 10 years apart from my older siblings. By the time I came into the world they were kinda growing out of the playmate stage. Subsequently I spent a lot of time around my mom until I was about 4 and we met the Lofton & Catchings family. They both had a 5 year old (Kelli and Kevin) and a 1 year old (Kaleb and Krystal) and I was in HEAVEN. Playmates! Our families kind of… amoeba morphed together and you couldn't tell where one family started and ended. Looking back I had classic "middle child" syndrome being that no one was really my age, but no matter, I was just happy to be somewhere people enjoyed my company for real. We ended up at the same grammar school and for the most part the same high school. Besides my actual family, they have been truer family to me than anyone. They know me and I know them... inside and out. I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't call the parents my Uncles and Aunties and the kids cousins or my brothers and sisters. 

The sudden loss of Kaleb (at 23 years old) this past Monday… shook me to my center. I didn't cry right away but I couldn't focus. It was like… my ears were ringing continually and my vision wouldn't correct. My brain has developed a way of coping with situations - basically it pushes it OUT of my brain so it doesn't exist and I don't have to deal with it. It PROBABLY isn't healthy? But honestly it helps me to keep moving. And that's all I think is KEEP. MOVING. But my brain can't move past it because it keeps reminding me of what happened while at the same time trying to push it out of my brain… and it knows I have to deal with it. 

I truly cannot understand it. Every time I think about it I shake my head no involuntarily because I can't... make any sense of it. I haven't really told anyone about because I can't make my mouth form the words. 

Kaleb is my family, he's my brother... the Catchings family is part of my heart and even though I'm dealing with it in my own way doesn't make me any less family or any less devastated. People mistake my quietness for passiveness at times.

My comfort has been that I get the privilege of seeing Kaleb again in Heaven cuz I know it's a real place. I feel like it's a phrase that gets passed off until a passing but I haven't been more sure about much in my life - I KNOW where he's at and that gives me hope to hold on to. 

Kaleb, I love you. I will see you again. 

A.

SLW: ideas

Okay guys, I'm gonna be straight with you.

Being single is pretty repetitive.

I walk around without pants on, have tiny adventures and try to be awesome while open and vulnerable but... I'm not sure what to talk about anymore, which is why I need your help! What do you want to see out of SLW? More adventures? Food treatz? Intimate personal details about life in general? Advice column? D.I.Y. for 1?? (which I've totally just dubbed D.I.Y.4.1 in my brain...)

Help a sister OUT!

In the meantime I need to clean... there's a GIANT pile of clothes on top of my bed that I just feel like laying on top of and taking a nap... real life guys. real life.

Fall Preview

"I would buy you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils
if I knew your name and address.
On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms." -
You've Got Mail

The terrible and wonderful thing about Chicago is its weather. It can change in a literal minute. True Chicagoans know that layering is your best friend because you have no idea if it's going to rain or snow and then be blazing hot. I feel like the inconsistencies make us really prepared for "dealing with ambiguity".

Today we got a sneak peek of fall and it made me SO happy, especially in my un-airconditioned car. I rode with my windows down and sang at the top of my lungs... and paused to acknowledge the two cars on either side of me listening to two different, but equally good, Kanye albums. That was real.

I think it's ingrained by the American school system but every August/September I buy about 15 cardigans and ALL the pencils in preparation for... what? School? Not really. But it's like a fresh start for my brain! It's fall! There are leather BACKpacks to be bought! Ooo! Electric PENCIL sharpeners are on sale! What's that you say? MOAR SHARPIES?! I've had to really stop myself from going crazy because I inevitably end up with school supplies for an imaginary school year. To be honest I would totally be a career student if it didn't involve massive amounts of debt. I love campuses. By campuses I really mean the royal ALL here. It also really makes me want to watch You've Got Mail, which is my favorite movie of all time.

What has helped quell my bookish nature is Lost Crates. I found them through Joy (because of course I did) and they have a Petit Stationery Crate that has made me feel like I'm back in school again. They fill it with Blackwing pencils, pretty designed drawing books (not even available in the U.S.!) and Moleskine book lights. My literary heart actually pitter-pattered. Best of all it's delivered to your door with a vintage "AIR MAIL" stamp on it in about a day! I'm pretty much addicted. No joke.

Also I might have binged on brush tip markers because I love to write with them. But that's neither here nor there. You didn't see anything.....

Today continues our perfect weather streak and since I don't work til the afternoon I plan on getting a Caramel Apple Spice and curling up with my issue of Kinfolk.

Constructive Blogicism

I read a lot of blogs and it's become part of my daily routine to check on Google Reader. After a while you begin to bond with people you've met before - it's like they know you and you know them. You have things in common with people all over the world. You're so compatible! How are we not BEST. FRIENDS?!

Then comes that moment that happens to all of us. You become too comfortable. You begin notice details and annoyances that never stuck out to you before. Their life is too perfect. They write too inconsistently. They write too word heavy and never include pictures (me!). And then one day you unfollow the blog you were once so kindred to... how does that happen?

You start to feel snarky every time they post a picture of their perfect family YET AGAIN. You cringe when you see a horrifingly unoriginal "from where I stand" photo aka "look at my hammer toes in my dang flip flops." They recycle a post and you feel utterly betrayed. How DARE their entire life not be around coming up with original content? FOR ME. THEIR BEST FRIEND THAT THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT. You think about posting anonymously through 10-minute email (look it up... it's a thing) to tell everything you've been holding inside but that poses a bigger question...

How do you give criticism to someone you don't know?

Is it your place to tell them you're annoyed with seeing the lower half of their body on Instragram day in and day out? Is it your place to tell them that maybe nine months is a little LONG to wait before having a single date alone with your husband after your baby is born?? Or that the bloggers sister has a stink face in ALL the photos you post of her???

No. It really isn't your place.

If you have nothing nice to say don't say it all but... what are bloggers without their readers? It's a crazy fine line... I know I wouldn't want someone to anonymously comment something snarky and hashtag it #justsayin but if something isn't working at all... I'd want to know at the same time! Would I be MORE or less upset with a simply put email? I'd probably still be pissed haha


The blog world is so INTERESTING. And equally as frustrating sometimes

SLW: Misery & Co.

Again this is a previous post that I felt weird about putting out here for an SLW. I decided to read it yesterday and it made me laugh - I hope you like it. Also a few friends are leaving this week for different locations so I've been focusing on that a bit. Sorry for the lack of an SLW last week! I'll make it up! For realsies!

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First of all I'd just like to say that if I owned some kind of crazy print company I'd name it Misery & Co. and be awesome. We'd make the happiest things on earth.

What is it about a single woman feeling bad for herself that makes her feel like she's the ONLY ONE in the world? Like "I am alone! I am the ONLY. ONE. ALONE. Everyone... EVERYONE just got engaged! EVERYONE just had a baby! EVERYONE JUST POSTED ALL THESE EVENTS ON FACEBOOK! *mass hysteria ensues*"

My mother, Infinite Knower of All Things Pertaining to Dudes, always stops my panic with, "EVERYONE just got engaged?" and I wipe the snot off my nose and say, "No...." snarkily. It is true that a blogger I read is a former Juilliard ballerina (strike one) turned married housewife (strike two) who just gave birth to her second child (strike three and I'm dead!) and JUST TURNED 26 a few days ago. I mean you could knock me over with a feather and I'd be on the ground sobbing in a second.  But no... EVERYONE isn't married or engaged or having babies. It's just magnified by my state of aloneness and self pity.

Let's talk truths. One truth? I am completely blowing this out of proportion. I am never the only one alone. My friend texted me last week with an alone story and I responded "you're not alone! I'm still here! and stilllll single" and she kept right on talking unfazed, which leads me to my second truth: Sometimes you just gotta get it alllll out. When having a pity party there is nothing I like to hear more than myself WHINE. Just... just listen to me whine, please! Because NO one has it worse than I do right now. and that is NEVER true. Third truth - pity parties accomplish nothing. Absolutely nothing. I understand releasing emotion because it's not good to let it just stew there, but once it's gone, LET IT GO.

At the end of the day when you've whined and cried and felt horrible are you really any closer to having a man? Are you any further from it? Maybe... but it's like giving in to a 1 year old who is having a temper tantrum. What's the point? Leave that 1 year old mentality kicking and screaming on the ground and go on about your business. Eventually they'll stop crying because you're no longer giving it attention and be happy again.

There are days when I just can't take it. There are days when I catch The Notebook on the Oxygen channel and watch it THREE TIMES IN A ROW. Coldstone calls with Cake Batter ice cream and I answer with getting a Gotta Have It. But I need to get more used to telling myself no. The 1 year old in me has ruled for too long and I need to teach it some discipline. "Hey! *snaps* heyhey! shut it down! You're an adult this is NOT attractive!" and while I may snark around my apartment for a bit I WILL move past it.

For my other single ladies, you really aren't alone. I will gladly join you for some dinner/sushi/movie/shopping any day of the week but I don't want to best each other with how "alone" we are. There is no prize at the end of the hangout and that leads me to my last truth...

God's got it! He's got it. Like... IN THE BAG He's got it so really I have nothing to freak out about. I'm working on retraining myself to think differently cuz really... it's like no bigs to the dude that created the universe.