all gone

...apparently i don't sleep anymore. this is news to me. i'm all ready for bed but my brain's like, "Yeah see we discussed this beFOREhand?? and you're outvoted. AWAKE! suckaaaaa!" no but for real that's the exact terminology used.

So in this awakeness I get to ponder my WHOLE. LIFE. it's pretty short haha - it's mostly just series of failed relationships until i find another one that will fail from me pushing them away or them hurting me THEN i push them away. or it's me finding really sucktastic people. I would love to vote the latter but I think it's a mixture of both.

[in general - the past]
People make mistakes right? err'day. But if I get burned one time I'm done. There's no room for error no room for stupidity no room for ANYTHING I'm just finished cuz clearly that's all they'll EVER do in my mind. Granted looking back at all the relationships I've let go (and geeze-o-peets are there a lot) I actually didn't need them in my life. They really DID suck. So I mean that's good right? OK quick peek into my brain. When something happens where I end up hurt here's my thought process: The integrity I thought you had is gone so why continue communicating with you and deal with your foolishness? Doesn't make a load of sense? a lonely load of sense... I guess I just think why accept them back into your life only for them to do the same dang thing again? That's just stupidity on my part correct? I'm rambling only because I have no idea what the answer is...

[right now]
i'm working on it. i was hurt... and i've never EVER let anyone back in after that's happened. but... i was let back in after i did. so believe me... when i say i'm working on it... it's a big deal. a b.f.d.

also does the video for Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin make you cry EVERY TIME?! I see bits of myself in it every time I watch.

"Imagine me, being free, trusting You totally" - at the end of the day that's what 99.99% of things in my life boil down to. Trust God you idiot! wageeeeeze.

zomg someone knock me OUT already. my crazy late night ramblings must END! nnnnnnnnnow.
OH also i saw HP today and it was awesome. OKFORREALI'MLEAVINGBYE.