whatwhaat whaaat??

Hey. Happy new year! Sorry for not posting in like 80 ages. (mhmm ages.)

Mango Dum-Dums are my new favorite dum-dum flavor. Everyone EVERYONE should try them.

So i think it's time for a spiritual update. I haven't given one in a good while.

So recently or... i don't know for a WHILE my pastor has been talking about getting serious in your relationship with God. And if we're shooting for honesty here mine has been more than lacking in like... every area you can think of... Times are getting rough and there is no more time to be in between ya know? just be one thing or the other love God or don't. I was tired of being on the fence about life in general so I just decided to jump in head first.

The first week was alright. I read my Bible, I prayed and did devotions and I felt better but I still felt like i hadn't made a connection. So at church this past sunday he prayed again about getting your life right with God. He said a lot of people don't like Christians because they're such hypocrites, which is true. We claim to love God but we're not obedient. Our actions definitely trump our words. You can say you love God all you want but until you stop being an idiot and just listen (prime example? me) this relationship you claim to have is fake. Really really a bunch of fake.

On saturday my mom and i went to the contemporary night service we have which was all about surrender. people spoke about what they were involved in some of it was crazy serious and some of it just seemed normal. so i'm sitting there and all of a sudden music comes into my head. Like... i'm supposed to surrender music TO God. I kind of freaked out a lot. But then i realized why it was put there. I turn to music in times of trouble. I can honestly say that I don't turn to God. I like... put that off... and turn on the Weepies. I do that in a heartbeat. I know music is my escape. It IS... it's like... what I connect with and not God. I keep praying for this real relationship with God for this true desire to know him and grow and actually listen to his voice and I have this pretty tangible relationship with music standing in my way.

So... I prayed the last few nights hoping that it wasn't God that told me to give up music haha... i would gladly give up all starchy food in order to know God better... i am definitely ok with giving up processed food... drinking only water... not watching MTV anymore... to get closer to God just NOT music. I also don't know if I'm supposed to just... get rid of it ALL or just the secular stuff or just cut out the radio... i don't know. but it hasn't gone away in a few days which is kind of confirming it.

if i weren't me... and i knew me... and i was talking about this... i'd think i was crazy. but in the grand scheme of things... am i really gonna choose listening to Ingrid Michaelson over having a real relationship with God and not being a hypocrite anymore? the answer is crystal clear isn't it...