Acceptance

I feel like I've been waiting for my life to begin for a long time.

Being overweight you tend to think life, actual real and fun life, really starts moving after you lose weight. I have compartmentalized my brain into a before and after situation except the "after" has never happened. It's like being in a constant state of almost... or like I've made myself a time capsule. Jeans in the closet 8 sizes too small... your "after" pants. Shoes in the closet that pinch and will never fit... your "after" shoes because supposedly you lose weight in your feet as well. Even friends that I will admit maybe I have a crush on, I expect them to see me (like how cool I actually am or something?!) after I "lose the weight." But currently I have a hard time keeping eye contact for fear people will ACTUALLY see me.

I realize I'm constantly moving myself forward and holding myself back at the same time creatively. The phrase "you're your biggest critic" is compounded because I'm an artist. Or I was one. Creative types are crazy hard on themselves and I've let fear of failure completely overtake the fact that I love art. Going to the MoMA in New York this past October broke me down a bit. I miss the creative side of myself - it's been replaced with cynicism and a critical nature. I see other artists explore keep their sense of wonder, that distinctive inquisitiveness artists have, and I just get LIVID. Where'd mine go?? Did I LET it go?!

This past year was probably one of the best years I've ever had, oddly enough. The world had a CRAP FILLED year but in the middle of that I traveled for the first time alone. I took a risk at work that paid off. I tried something new and went to friggin CrossFit. I like myself more than I ever have and it's led me here. At home without pants on realizing things late at night. Heh.

I am enough. Here in this space where I find myself still single and now SUPER hating it. Where I feel like my journey has barely started. I'm ENOUGH.

I'm tired of thinking I'll get married when I've lost weight. Whoever finds me and loves me needs to know me here and now as I am. You know, that's a simple thought... that I've literally NEVER had until now. I'm giving you an awkward smile. I don't do a lot, there's some stuff I honestly can't do  like tie my shoes. Or bend over. And that's embarrassing to admit because that's some fundamental stuff! But me right now can't do that because I'm overweight and I hope it won't always be like that. But for now... let my future someone bend over and tie my damn shoes for me. Now this creative rut I've been in is part of a deeper issue, old hurts and shame I've put in a backpack and carried with me. I've got to let it go. There's a couple things I've got to let go. Let go of my stupid "what ifs," my "after" pants and shoes, and just... accept myself where I am right now and let me be enough for the first time in my life. And see what happens. I'm giving you a thumbs up along with the awkward smile.

This is 30

Welcome to 30! You have arrived here by not dying and generally listening to your mother's advice. Here in this detailed guide you'll find how to make your 30's the BEST years of your life! Brunch! Mimosas! More brunch! Disregard for clothing rules! You'll take your shoes off wherever you dang well please, thank you very much!

Here, I present, A LIST, mostly provisioned from my Twitter account. I also said I wouldn't put these in a blog. HAHA OH 30. SUCH A JOKESTER.

• My appetite has changed, which I've literally been waiting for it to do since I was 10. Like I can't eat as much food or I'll just keel over all slumped and sad
• My body now genuinely REJECTS certain foods. Potatoes, for example, I can no longer have a ton of potatoes or starchy foods in general
• *PAUSE AND BE SAD FOR STARCHY FOODS*
• Greasy food too...
• *PAUSE FOR FRIED CHICKEN SADNESS AND DESPAIR*
• Bread is still okay
• AND TACOS. Still bae. Always bae.
• Doctors are more a part of my life. After I came back from vacation I got super sick and saw the doc a LOT
• I finally recognize my need for exercise. It clears my head and makes me feel both sore and positive about life - WHAT?!
• Hangovers! They're so real!
• Every few weeks now I cry about being alone... dying alone... getting ice cream alone
• Then I look out across the land of hoes and dudes made of trash and I TIGHTEN THE EFF. UP
• My introversion is solidified in stone. I can only do so much before the need to recharge completely overrides all functionality and I completely break down
• Stress greatly impacts my need to recharge as well
• I still hate pants
• I have ice cream for dinner a lot

This new phase of my life is interesting and a bit of a rollercoaster. But there are more smooth sails than ups and downs. I hope you'll stay around for this journey with me. 30 needs people.