horrible fuzzy feelings of song titles?

let Ingrid do the talkin' and you just do the listening, Starting Now.

but Let Go,  don't listen to the silky soul-piercing voice of Ingrid and Just For Now lets listen to Deb Talan. :0)! lovelove. short entry tonight guys

Just about the time 

Your heart breaks like a wheel 

Not in a straight line 

But all in pieces 

Some you'll leave behind 

On a road you won't revise 

No you won't  

Revisit that dirty compromise  

Now you only  

Dream in peaceful blue  

The morning doesn't even scare you anymore  

You are a phoenix with your feathers still a little wet 

Baby the ashes just look pretty on  your eyes 

Dry your wings in the sun  
You have only begun to understand 
When its time to move on  
There is no one to hold your hand 
So let go 
Let go 
Let go  

Here the night is fine  
Stars are sparks of steel  
Chiseled in the minds of twilight  
You tell me something real 
Say don't try  
Don't try 
Just remember how  
Remember 

not now but soon

i wish i had the ability to express intense emotion using words. don't get me wrong i have an extensive vocabulary that doesn't include cursing so i can sufficiently tell you off using the acceptable english language. 

but i'm not mad. so don't worry haha

i'm...... thats just it. i know what i feel i know how i am i just can't WRITE IT. and i wish i could use powerful words to say what i feel. no capital letters just a mixture of letters and punctuation to make a huge impact. i think i could deal better if i didn't express in such childish terms. but sometimes the simplest of sentences can have the most impact. i think i'm going to eliminate the word "ugh" from my vocab though. 

secret? i've always dreamed of dancing. i love LOVE! ballet. it is a closet obsession... not so closet anymore but hardly anyone reads this. i'm short... my feet don't extend all the way... there is no fluidity in any of my movements. if i was blessed with the ability to dance and the privilege of having a car i'd be gone right now haha in some studio dancing life away. i think its expression in a pure unconcentrated form. 

i wish there was a surgical procedure to extract feelings... i wish emotions were poke-able and squishy so you knew how love felt... and hard and metallic so you knew what anger looked like... and i wish pride and bitterness were a hammer that hit you until you woke up and realized your constant state of self abuse and stupidity. 

but those are the kind of wishes that disappear right along with the ability to touch clouds and eat them like cotton candy. (pretty sure everyone asked that when they were little)

Casting a Care,

love is a house and you got the key!

Have you ever tried narrating your life as a book?

mmkay.

Explanation time! okay so see... I like to read... and usually it comes in bursts of reading love and then not so much (kind of like knitting) but i've been on a reading kick lately mostly cuz i don't have a tv (but i do now! WHOO) and i find myself like... narrating.. things? yeah is that slightly creepy? no. not if you're a reader haha all i do is add ", says Abby in a haughty slightly condescending tone." its not so creepy... even ever so slightly at all. at all. *shrugs* i just like books ok? haha

in other news i am officially finished with the Aurora yearbook... FOREVER. *insert giant sigh here* as much... blood sweat and tears literally went into this whole 2 year process of life and sometimes wasted time i am SO ready to be done with it! well i mean i AM done with it so... iii'm glad i was ready? I'm glad i learned from the HORRIBLENESS that was last year and i'm glad i got to produce something so gorgeous (its my child. don't take that away from me! what if i was unable to have children??? ok too far... bringin it back.) and it was worth all the crap that went down... sometimes... but... yay for closure. haha i swear its the one thing people are always looking for and when you get it... you don't actually believe you have it. 

spiritual update! (its like the weather report... no? no.) i'm still definitely working on forgiveness in all areas of my life. it stretches farther than... i could have imagined... i said before that with reading it comes and goes? thats how i feel about my spiritual life sometimes... like ohhhhhhmygoshisoooooloveGooood... and then other times its like... i don't feel like getting into the Word or my devotions tonight. OR why can't i forgive easier? God forgives us 490 times a DAY... haha i think i could lend a couple people forgiveness... Can anyone tell me why is that? 

I just heard a message about being bold the other day... handing out tracts to people on the street. It's just a piece of paper that you give to them... they can choose to read it or not read it... and it's one of the most gut wrenching things you do... the awesome thing is God made you bold... not boldness comes in time God formed you... to be bold. Boldness is instilled in us its part of our make-up as a person. So us NOT being bold... though it may seem like its not a choice us not choosing boldness makes us cowardice because thats WHAT we are! BOLD! I just find that to be really cool...

and in thinking about that why can't i get on board? why is there this burning desire to know God to want to get closer in my walk with Him and other times i feel like it's being put out or like i have ZERO will power in any aspect of my life starting with my spiritual life? does anyone else ever feel like that?

It's getting late and i should finish what i was doing... 

what am i gonna WEAR tomorrow? and i started a scarf :0)

aventuras!

can i just say that i miss my Aventura and Ven Conmigo spanish books from days of yore? Yore. was. awesome. 

I've decided to use this blog as my adventure (AVENTURA if you will) blog... running commentaries on... first days of work... lock-ins in larsen... epiphanies of life in general and spiritual life... stuff like that. This blog is public (mhmm i knew that before) but talking about things no one else needs to know... not good. the aventura begins now! maybe i'll include photos... *shrugs* i haven't decided. we will see! 

:0)

9 am - first day of work first day of work! :0)

updates forthcoming... stay tuned people of bloglandia...

its 2:35 and we're in the middle of quiet hours. yeah. we have quiet hours. the odd thing is we're not allowed to REALLY be loud all day... i don't... i don't know haha. But so far we have:

• been introduced to Brian Allen and prayed over by him
• had AMAZING pastries amazing. love love.
  
• had french vanilla coffee - awesome.
• working on the university life handbook (te.di.ous.)
• and had pizza for lunch... courtesy of Brian Allen (i've already decided we are bff's. its a done deal)

I was really giggly for a while... you know me... but it subsided. I think it's gonna be so fun to work here. SO fun haha. more updates to come! afterthoughts and whatnot... yayyay.

3:19 - Brian Allen = hymns, conducting and chapel

3:59 - DONE! YAAAAY!!! whoohooooooo!! afterthoughts to come soon. i also have some ponderings on forgiveness...

10:38pm - hello world. work's over. it was a really good first day! i got through it all right and even made headway into the world of starting over. i also took some pizza for dinner haha. things are slowly getting better... patching up relationships with various people and still finding the courage to patch things up. its difficult. like a bunch of difficult. i hate that i don't really know what i did besides be associated with something horrible. i don't like apologizing for things over and over again. i've gotten way better at not saying sorry so much. i just want things to be better you know? its ok. this won't last forever. but i know that if i hate someone... i'm really only hating God... i can't love God and hate someone else thats scripture... so... disliking someone for reasons only YOU know and that don't make sense is completely pointless haha. It's best to let it go and save yourself... or you'll end up losing yourself. Forgiveness is tricksy but not as complicated as you think. 

i was out of your range...

lots of things have been going on in my life as of... forever haha i am super excited about some of then and some of them just SUCK. really a lot. but thats a normal part of life! hooray haha
BULLET POINTS!

• iiii made it through my senior show! i didn't think i would actually see that through just because i've never done something SO HUGE before it just seemed physically impossible for me to pull off. but it did. and things SOLD! what? i know.
• i graduated! as of 5 days ago i'm a college grad i have a DEGREE in graphic design HOLY crap haha... that just hit me... its a NICE FEELING. and i graduated cum laude... not bad!
• i have a summer job! a GOOD summer job doing graphics... wonderful
• the supplement is finished.... i've cleaned out my office (save my coffee pot and darkroom prints) and turned in my key. my tiny portion of reign has ended... i feel good having helped put out an amazing book with 2 amazing people...
• i have a new ROOM! i have my own room! ok for all the people that may be reading this scratching their head this is a BIG. DEAL. i... i just haven't had a space of my own in a while and... and i can close the door... and watch tv and DECORATE (i hung three of my pieces) and... UGH its amazing.
• i opened a savings account! FINALLY
• i bought Hideaway by the Weepies... *sigh* if i could adopt entire families it would be theirs.. and the Taylors... different subject though... never mind you don't know them.
• i bought pecan sandies today! obviously cause to celebrate.

I wrote that letter last night... it was more of me just rambling and not even feeling what i felt before. i didn't feel hurt or angry i felt sad like i'd lost a portion of something i really enjoyed before. i also felt LOSS cuz i do'nt think i'll get it back again... it kinda feels hopeless and pointless at the same time... its definitely time to move on. i think i can still rebuild a little bit but really... i just want to move past all this. it also sucks cuz i won't ever get to clear my name with a couple people. i just end up muddied in a lot of peoples eyes. that was never my intention.....

so thats MY life up to date finally! now the school children are invading the library and it is time to GOOOO. :0) g