Lookin' for Love

written on 7/31/2012

This was written right around the time right before I hit a low point and forgotten I'd written this at all. I wrote a draft post that roughly said "I'm sitting here in tears. I hate the way I look. I'm lost at my job. I've lost God. I'm not good enough." A speaker came to my church and spoke about the simplicity of God's love and really... something unlocked that day. I couldn't see it then, just how AMAZING God is and how He works, but this post was written after this speaker spoke. This really isn't me trying to force my beliefs down your throat this is just a reminder of how good God is to me. I need this reminder when I'm at my lowest, which is RIGHT NOW. 

My entire life I've wanted to be loved and to belong. I wanted to feel that completeness that comes with an enveloping kind of love. I like hugs, I like kissing, I communicate best through touch. I am forever jealous of married couples and people with boyfriends thinking I'm missing out on love that I don't understand and will never have.

I have always felt that I'm bad at relationships. With guys I focus on the physical part of love thinking that is what love is but coming up empty... but doing it anyway. With female friends I over do the emotional side of things, investing too much to where the relationship becomes one sided and I burn out quickly after realizing they were terrible people to become friends with in the FIRST place. I end up cutting off relationships I never should have started. It's a lot of wasted time.

In the last few years or so I've begun to think that I wasn't enough for God. I felt like I was seeking him out and seeking him out and coming up empty so I stopped trying. Obviously I wasn't good enough for God anymore, whatever I had done wasn't enough. Or maybe I just never actually found God in the first place... I hadn't really known Him so what was the point of seeking someone I didn't really know.

This is a lie. A huge lie. It took me a long time to figure that out.

I mention this phantom dude all the time like he's the true stigma of my life but he isn't. He is definitely a part of why I have felt ashamed and what seemed to clinch my distance from God. There was NO WAY I could ever be enough for God to love me. I claimed to not even know what love was... or how God could love me so... all encompassing. That couldn't be real. All the while I would push feelings away because it was stupid to feel things. I'm so awesome at this. When I thought about saying sorry all I thought about was getting all emotional and saying "I'M SO SORRAAAYYYYYY" and that made me not even want to say anything.

Sitting at church tonight, listening to speaker Jeremy Pearsons, he broke things down in such a simple way, which apparently... is the only way my brain responds to. 1 plus 1. He said true repentance doesn't have to be snotting up the front alter of your church, swimming in a baptism pool full of your own tears. Repentance is replacing your thinking with God's. It's when you stop relying on YOU to get things done and putting all the pressure on YOU to do it when... there's freedom when you trust in God.

The most SIMPLE thing he said but the most freeing was that God loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME. I am loved. Inside and out up and down and when I suck and when I feel ashamed God loves me. All day long. When I'm sleep and when I'm awake and when I'm not acknowledging his presence He loves me. I get to be rooted in it. It's the type of root that connects me to God and unlocks his presence and his promises for me. It also frees me from the pressure of... trying to lose weight alone. Getting ahead in my job alone. Getting a husband. Having a family. Securing a future. These are not things I have to worry about! Because of His love I am made into His righteousness and THAT'S ALL I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT!

HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS BEFORE?! Even if I lose sight of Him I can think over and over in my brain "He loves me! He loves me! My Father loves me." It's a flower with limitless petals that all say "He loves me."

and again.

dear everyone, after so many times of going thru the same thing just assume YOU'RE the stupid one. love, the stupid one. 

untitled

why do i do this to myself? I have got to be the world's greatest living expert proficiently skilled in the art of fooling oneself. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why don't I recognize the signs? I get hit full force, full on by what can only be described as a fast moving freight train every time. I give up. Honestly I do. No more...  I think I'll stick to just being closed off for the rest of my life it seems to work pretty well. You can't get hurt if you never get close. You can't have any expectations shattered when there are never any set. You'd think I'd learn after the last 80 times things ended up the EXACT same way... Ah no... I'm finished with relationships and friendships and PEOPLE.

I give. up.

my heart feels like it's going to abandon my body and find a more worthy host. i don't blame it.

What happens when your iPhone gets stolen

an ode. in bullet points.

• you cry
• you freak out
• you cry some more
• you track it with MobileMe
• you cry before, during, after tracking
• you imagine punching a 6 year old in the face when you never have before (ask me. it's within reason.) you imagine punching a highschooler turned thief in the face.
• you imagine punching an entire FAMILY in the face you apologize for thinking about punching an innocent family and their child in the face. sorry. about....that...
• you cry
• you're on the computer a LOT more aimlessly wandering between TopSites
• you forget to check your email for 3 days and when you do you have 29 in your inbox
• you sigh and stare off into space
• you pat your pants pockets often
• you get upset that you now have to redo all your achievements on Angry Birds
• you get upset because the Halloween version of Angry Birds is now gone from the app store
• you're glad you have MobileMe to contact your mother because you forgot what her work number is
• you lose communication with all of your work friends that have iPhones and don't know how to communicate any other way - it's hard to blame them because you were there but you're still sad and a little bitter about it
• you actually turn on Mail on your iMac because it'll send you the push notification of the beacon message being sent when they finally turn that dang phone on
• you cry
• you reconnect with AIM
• you post on your blog on a Friday night
• you realize what little social life you had before is now obliterated because you can't text anyone
• you fiddle with your fingers a lot
• you finish a knit hat within a day because there's nothing else to do
• you thank God for synching notes, bookmarks, contacts and calendars
• you feel disconnected from the entire world
• you cry. 

dires irae

Currently I'm grieving the loss of a good friend. That friend is a technological device that is able to be tracked and is currently in the possession of someone who doesn't deserve said friend, because they stole it. Who would have thought you could grieve the loss of an iPhone? You can. It's been a rough 24 hour period. I'm praying that God will restore property lost to me though. I'm praying that having something that doesn't belong to them makes them so restless and uncomfortable they have to find a way to get it back to where they stole it from - promptly.

My second grievance (actually it's not a grievance I'm just sad about it) involves my job. I was denied a position I interviewed... well this is the second time now and it's making me question my place in the company. Most of you know where I work. It's magical. I love talking to people and finding out about their lives and how what we make fits perfectly for them. It's interesting to find out the thing you enjoy doing is the very thing you're doing wrong. The thing you THOUGHT you had passion for someone gets to tell you, "yeah no this isn't it."and then they ALSO get to tell you, "oh but that wasn't a no!" and "don't be discouraged." and "I wanna help you find your place." How... do you expect me to not be discouraged when I'm either a) pissing off someone above me or b) just sucking THAT much. I thought I HAD found my place! Oh! Just kidding... no. Most people move on a fast track where I work. You come in you perform well and BOOM you move. I just am starting to feel like I have no value within the company and no path. I also don't want to quit (although today I thought about it about 15 times.) because I believe in what the company does. Apparently EVERYONE has a path even the people that didn't have a path totally found a path. Kinda feel like they broke the mold with me.

this all happened from 9 last night to today. so. you can sense my frustration and sadness (sadness is an understatement).