Judy Garland vs. Tootie

I went on an actual adventure and have been too dang tired to write about it haha but! never fear i am not so tired now with the strength of Fruit Punch Crystal Lite in me... and kettle corn haha

Thursday: "PETER! WE SLEPT IN!" I got to sleep in for the first time in a while (weekends included) and I still woke up at 7:15 on my own. crazy circus trained body haha. I finally decided just to get up and get ready and THEN veg. and so i did... watched Jim Carrey on Regis and Kelly... then it was roadtrip time! we headed onto Peoria. we took these amazing backroads because Garmin's amazing and i got to see fun towns like Dwight (I do really want to photograph there) and El PASO and Eureka! it was pretty sweet. We made it to Jon's and hung out for like 5 minutes before heading to Taco Bell (the land of cheap good indigestion causing food) and on the road. For a while we were ok just talking about random things like if we made a female counterpart to Hooters. (it would be called sausage and meatballs hahaha) and depressing things like how the economy is going to explode because of global warming or how we were going to start a vineyard. *sigh* heartfelt. the expanse of road from peoria to st. louis is DAUNTING. its just sky. farm. road. sky.farm.road. skyfarmroad and then they all blend and you're DYING from boredom. forever. I eventually got out the weepies and slept for 20 minutes i just couldn't take it! then finally after deciding that we were going to start a hair salon similar to Hair Force One we were there!

We crashed for like 12 seconds before going to steak n shake for food stuffs. then the guys headed out for Tom Waits and we got movies. Definitely, Maybe = very cute Great Debaters = REALLY good Fool's Gold = why? did you spend the time makin it? ok. and Papa John came along for the ride too haha and took Grapes and Red Velvet Cupcakes with him. It was good! haha by the end of the last movie the boys were home and EVERYONE was sufficiently DEAD.

SLEEP! haha

Friday: I was the first one awake. Wonder of wonders! I am NEVER the first one awake. I swear its my body now! its HORRID. (bad enough to say the word HORRID) I kinda putzed around ate some grapes, journaled a little bit before actually getting dressed. then we headed towards St. Louis. It was a good drive Garmin took us through fun urban parts of the city that you would never see all while listening to Bob Dylan who turned out to be the perfect soundtrack for the ride! It made me feel like I was in the middle of Elizabethtown. I got to see the Arch for the first time which was pretty freaking cool up close. We made it to the City Museum and quickly realized who was running the show inside... CHILDREN. millions of children ok not millions but 1 kid = 4 kids so 200 kids = 800 kids = A MILLION. soooo we left haha. which i was ok with... i can handle kids. 

Then we went over to Rally's (i'm so. hungry) and onto the St. Louis Art Museum which was FREE (aka even better!) it was a nice cozy museum (FREEE) and it was relaxing... the park the museum was in was HUGE and just... gorgeous. parks in the middle of cities are AMAZING. kudos to whoever thought of it. then we saw Wall-E. such a cute movie! see it. everyone. ever. seeit. 

We headed out on the road after the movie. The first part of the drive (appr. 120 miles) was not that bad! a) it was night b) there was Michael Jackson involved. i mean you can't be bored with Michael! no. you can't. oh! and we decided if his music doesn't make you want to dance you have no soul. so... check on that everyone. the drive through rural Illinois was not as exciting when it was daytime... El Paso lost its charm and Eureka lost its exclamation point. The stars however were uncommonly clear... or maybe they're always clear i can just never see them haha. I felt like a little kid staring out the window with my face pressed up against the glass. I could have ridden on the roof of the car happily. FinallyyyyHOME.

It was a good little mini vacation - friday especially. it was just what i needed to get my mind off of EVERYTHING haha... i'm definitely ready to go home TODAY. i haven't seen my family in a while and i like them haha. only two more days. meanwhile i have resorted to Crisis Lockdown Mode and for now its working but i'm sure it won't last longer than next week. *shrugs* for now! CLM. 

til then,

llueve...

today i woke up to my mom calling and telling me it was an umbrella day... i groggily replied "whaa?" three times before she told me IT'S RAINING and let me go back to sleep for... 5 minutes. it was not like TORRENTIAL DOWNPOURS of life it was just... steady. 

i am a fan of steady rain. 

So. my polka dotted double golf sized double paneled wind pocketted umbrella and I set off down the road in the steady rain. I put on my rain soundtrack which is actually the Amelie soundtrack and i was right... as rain. seriously. next time you find yourself with the option of walking in the rain do it. and find a good Putumayo Presents CD and just revel in the rain. I didn't think about anything except twirling my umbrella and avoiding puddles that could swallow me whole and just... was. I'm never just there often so it's always a good feeling and its ALWAYS in the rain.

work today wasn't bad! it was actually good... i took control. haha taking control of a day is way better than getting SWALLOWED in it. the rain helped :0) i swear its God materialized sometimes especially soft steady rain. 

i'm tired of getting swallowed. its a daily struggle to lift myself out. i don't know what to do anymore so i become recluse. no eye contact no words. i draw into myself. and yet it still hurts. putting myself out there hurts not doing anything at all hurts... doing just a LITTLE hurts. can anyone find the happy medium between hurt and not cuz i'm desperately searching DAILY.

it seems the adventure i'm on is just. daily life. 

billy collins connects.

Forgetfulness

The name of the author is the first to go

followed obediently by the title, the plot

the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel

which suddenly becomes one you have never read, never even heard of

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart. 

genesis

"...to lose a friend is to grieve a death" - Ring of Endless Light 

it's harder than you think.

mmm... no new aventuras for awhile except job searching. i wasn't that motivated until the other day when i realized i can't take much more. whatever floats your boat or finds your lost remote. 

new potential aventuras:

• buying a car
  
• buying a computer/software
  
• getting a full time job
  
• saving money forever
  
• paying off loans for about that much time too
  
• going to europe for my birthday
  
• road trip!
  
• getting a pet
  
• getting fit and hating the process 
  
• finding an everyday good friend
  
• avoiding eHarmony like the plague 
  
• rooting myself in God :0)

stay tuned.

WICKED!

you know how i was pining to write out emotions just as they are but couldn't the other night? its an ongoing thing.

have you ever done something you desperately wish you could take back? i've done a lot... i wish i could do over... but theres one in particular that i would give anything to undo do anything to censor or soften the blow... but i can't take it back and though it seems sometimes you move on from it... they never really forget it. not completely. sometimes you still feel the sting even if it's 1 year... 10 years from then... you end up reliving it. 

this new adulthood i've stepped into has caused me to HAVE to deal with things because of it. i hate it. wont lie but secretly i'm hoping that dealing with issues in my life will only make things better for me... make me a stronger person... help me to trust in God... in myself and trust that all people aren't necessarily out to cause pain...

i think i want to get rid of emotions simply because i'm actually feeling them now. on a regular basis and with force behind them. i got a chance to express emotion besides happy and learn to let them go at the same time. now that is kind of gone... so it kind of... sucks. 

i'm entering adulthood with more care now and though i teeter and fall a lot i can't really stop now. already i've made some mistakes and some hurts just keep resurfacing no matter how hard i try to repress them. that could be a lesson in itself to not repress feelings but for now for this particular thing i think its best to walk away from it. the good thing is i know God will forgive me... 490 is the number He forgives. i have to let it go... and deal with the next issue... and in time... he'll heal the hurts too...... and replace them with something to be joyous about. 

new aventura en francais

i've decided to learn french... yeah. 

i got cd's from the library and right now i am learning to say 'do you speak english/french?'  'yes/no i can/can't speak/a little french/english sir/madam' hahaha i love it. i sound like a complete idiot but! my skill with imitating and language accents is coming in real handy here. 

i will give periodic updates on new phrases... and whenever i learn "I believe you are in league with the butcher" in spanish, french and portuguese (the native tongue of Holly Golightly for one scene in Breakfast at Tiffany's - all time favorite.) 

i am doing so well! so exciting! i love new languages... i think its civilized to be fluent in other languages... so cool! haha keep up with me make sure i'm still doing this in a month!

je comprends le français! vous comprenez le francais? hahaha

horrible fuzzy feelings of song titles?

let Ingrid do the talkin' and you just do the listening, Starting Now.

but Let Go,  don't listen to the silky soul-piercing voice of Ingrid and Just For Now lets listen to Deb Talan. :0)! lovelove. short entry tonight guys

Just about the time 

Your heart breaks like a wheel 

Not in a straight line 

But all in pieces 

Some you'll leave behind 

On a road you won't revise 

No you won't  

Revisit that dirty compromise  

Now you only  

Dream in peaceful blue  

The morning doesn't even scare you anymore  

You are a phoenix with your feathers still a little wet 

Baby the ashes just look pretty on  your eyes 

Dry your wings in the sun  
You have only begun to understand 
When its time to move on  
There is no one to hold your hand 
So let go 
Let go 
Let go  

Here the night is fine  
Stars are sparks of steel  
Chiseled in the minds of twilight  
You tell me something real 
Say don't try  
Don't try 
Just remember how  
Remember 

not now but soon

i wish i had the ability to express intense emotion using words. don't get me wrong i have an extensive vocabulary that doesn't include cursing so i can sufficiently tell you off using the acceptable english language. 

but i'm not mad. so don't worry haha

i'm...... thats just it. i know what i feel i know how i am i just can't WRITE IT. and i wish i could use powerful words to say what i feel. no capital letters just a mixture of letters and punctuation to make a huge impact. i think i could deal better if i didn't express in such childish terms. but sometimes the simplest of sentences can have the most impact. i think i'm going to eliminate the word "ugh" from my vocab though. 

secret? i've always dreamed of dancing. i love LOVE! ballet. it is a closet obsession... not so closet anymore but hardly anyone reads this. i'm short... my feet don't extend all the way... there is no fluidity in any of my movements. if i was blessed with the ability to dance and the privilege of having a car i'd be gone right now haha in some studio dancing life away. i think its expression in a pure unconcentrated form. 

i wish there was a surgical procedure to extract feelings... i wish emotions were poke-able and squishy so you knew how love felt... and hard and metallic so you knew what anger looked like... and i wish pride and bitterness were a hammer that hit you until you woke up and realized your constant state of self abuse and stupidity. 

but those are the kind of wishes that disappear right along with the ability to touch clouds and eat them like cotton candy. (pretty sure everyone asked that when they were little)

Casting a Care,

love is a house and you got the key!

Have you ever tried narrating your life as a book?

mmkay.

Explanation time! okay so see... I like to read... and usually it comes in bursts of reading love and then not so much (kind of like knitting) but i've been on a reading kick lately mostly cuz i don't have a tv (but i do now! WHOO) and i find myself like... narrating.. things? yeah is that slightly creepy? no. not if you're a reader haha all i do is add ", says Abby in a haughty slightly condescending tone." its not so creepy... even ever so slightly at all. at all. *shrugs* i just like books ok? haha

in other news i am officially finished with the Aurora yearbook... FOREVER. *insert giant sigh here* as much... blood sweat and tears literally went into this whole 2 year process of life and sometimes wasted time i am SO ready to be done with it! well i mean i AM done with it so... iii'm glad i was ready? I'm glad i learned from the HORRIBLENESS that was last year and i'm glad i got to produce something so gorgeous (its my child. don't take that away from me! what if i was unable to have children??? ok too far... bringin it back.) and it was worth all the crap that went down... sometimes... but... yay for closure. haha i swear its the one thing people are always looking for and when you get it... you don't actually believe you have it. 

spiritual update! (its like the weather report... no? no.) i'm still definitely working on forgiveness in all areas of my life. it stretches farther than... i could have imagined... i said before that with reading it comes and goes? thats how i feel about my spiritual life sometimes... like ohhhhhhmygoshisoooooloveGooood... and then other times its like... i don't feel like getting into the Word or my devotions tonight. OR why can't i forgive easier? God forgives us 490 times a DAY... haha i think i could lend a couple people forgiveness... Can anyone tell me why is that? 

I just heard a message about being bold the other day... handing out tracts to people on the street. It's just a piece of paper that you give to them... they can choose to read it or not read it... and it's one of the most gut wrenching things you do... the awesome thing is God made you bold... not boldness comes in time God formed you... to be bold. Boldness is instilled in us its part of our make-up as a person. So us NOT being bold... though it may seem like its not a choice us not choosing boldness makes us cowardice because thats WHAT we are! BOLD! I just find that to be really cool...

and in thinking about that why can't i get on board? why is there this burning desire to know God to want to get closer in my walk with Him and other times i feel like it's being put out or like i have ZERO will power in any aspect of my life starting with my spiritual life? does anyone else ever feel like that?

It's getting late and i should finish what i was doing... 

what am i gonna WEAR tomorrow? and i started a scarf :0)

aventuras!

can i just say that i miss my Aventura and Ven Conmigo spanish books from days of yore? Yore. was. awesome. 

I've decided to use this blog as my adventure (AVENTURA if you will) blog... running commentaries on... first days of work... lock-ins in larsen... epiphanies of life in general and spiritual life... stuff like that. This blog is public (mhmm i knew that before) but talking about things no one else needs to know... not good. the aventura begins now! maybe i'll include photos... *shrugs* i haven't decided. we will see!