I used to carry the weight of the world...

"but now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly..."

So the past few days have been interesting. Just... I don't know just interesting. My mom and I were talking about friends and how you expect so much out of them and when they don't meet them you feel like it's YOUR fault. My pastor says your closest relationships have to be with people you feel like you can share your most RANDOM thoughts with and at the same time share about God and help each other spiritually. How many people can really say they have that person in their life? And how many are still looking for it? Yeah that's totally my hand in the air.

I do have a friend like that. She is in graduate school and forever busy (she's gonna be a doctor) and I don't see her as often as I want to but when we do see each other it's like we just met up yesterday. The conversation flows easily. We talk about the most random things like why we didn't get hired at Argo Tea or our relationship with God and it's usually the highlight of my whole day.

I guess I'm looking for a friend like that that I can see more often. I mean don't get me wrong I have friends but... I'm placed into a certain type of friend. Comic reliever. Advice giver. Random... hanger outer. Consoler. Listener. I love being all those things and I love all my friends I adapt to their personalities and accept them but they don't adapt to mine.

So I knit. I knit a lot. Most people find that really antiquated and boring but I freakin LOVE it. I make cute stuff... without reindeer and snowflakes... I mean things that people want. but most people don't... really care. I just am tired of people being selfish (omg especially today don't get me started.) and self centered and while I realize that is truly the norm now I'm pretty done with it. Yeah I'm 22 just getting started with life but I've been through enough to at least know what I want out of a friendship. Is that too much to ask? Can ya stop with all the bull? It's not about you. GET OVER IT. for realz. with a z.

Anway, things are progressing well here at work but I am really starting to miss designing. I don't want to lose skills. I'm saving for a computer so I'm not just floating until I get a job in my field. I miss fonts GAH I miss fonts! I miss having direction and projects. But I'll get there soon. Every opportunity is a stepping stone for something greater, and I am really looking forward to that day.

warning sign

Since starting at Eden I've realized I enjoy working with people. You get all sorts of personality types, quirks, quips, other things that start with "qu-" It's fun dealing with the nice ones... not so much dealing with the snooty ones, but I pray over the clients that walk in beforehand and so far I have not been cursed out! (which I can't say about other g.c's) so that's great.

It's a little difficult dealing with the kooky personalities haha. There was a Jewish princess who really... enjoys... talking about... *breathes in* everything private. And an... otherwise pursuaded couple who... likes checkin out girls as they walk into the shop. I mean you kinda wanna go "oooooo....." haha that's not the way to approach things. They haven't spewed pea soup at you or anything. Their head only reaches a 90 degree angle at most. No need for comments. But I can hope that being in here helps though. Highlight that JUST happened though? Three words. Fire. Safety. Inspection. :0)

I met with a friend yesterday for lunch, hadn't seen her for a while. I can honestly say that graduating with totally change you. She is the type of person who has a concrete plan for life. After graduation is SUPER shifty changy nothing is really... set it's kinda like living in Jell-O for a good 6 months to a year. So instead of wading through the Jell-O like a pro she goes comPLETELY backwards. It's almost like her entire identity is changing because she doesn't have a set plan. It's crazy how a change thats out of your control will change who you are... who you CAN control. BAH life.

house musak

So I'm waiting for a cut to be done and just a-thinkin'. It's only cuz I HAVE time to think because all my duties are done for the night besides... turning the lights off and leaving.

I'm doing this new (for me) devotional called Sparkling Gems. It's a deep... DELVE into the Bible and how it's really meant to be broken down. I really am enjoying it so far. And! It's 365 days so I don't have to buy a new one next month! sWEET!

New news. I'm apathetic now. Have been for a little bit. Whoo! I mean in terms of... past things past and horrible hurts with certain people. There is no hate or... strong affection there is nothing. I am really enjoying that NOTHING feeling haha because there was so much of one or the other for so long. It's nice not to let myself be affected by every word and detail however minute. I haven't let myself think about what happened either so that helped a lot. But I'm apathetic now. So I think I could really... move forward here but I also could do nothing. And I'd be ok with that! YAAAY!!
*mini wave in celebration! a-wahoo!*

So lately I have made myself drink water. So much water. SO MUCH WATER I pee approximately every 4 seconds. I mean if this were happening without 2 gallons of water pumped through me a day I would say "diabetes!" but there are. 2 gallons. of water. in me. right meow. It's crazy! but I'm starting to actually... ENJOY water. *gasp!* I think someone just fainted. Oh wait it was me. But I KNOW right I NEVER liked water! So I'm very happy

Anyways. I thought I would post when I had something real but seriously it's just a bunch of random stuff strung together

that's life :0)

pyt and tlc

I wrote a whole blog but it made no sense. It started with Michael Jackson's P.Y.T and ended with me crying randomly.

I'll post substantially soon, loves :0)

intrigue and mischance

"Intrigue and Mischance" would be the title of my book if I were alive in the 1800's. Or "Felicity, Intrigue and Mischance" There would be a duel to the death, a ball and something to do with twinkling stars or foggy rolling meadows and what have you.

I've been on a Jane Austen kick lately (can ya tell much!?) I finally finished Pride & Prejudice (affectionately called P n P) and started reading Emma (between a couple other books) and last night I saw the conclusion of Sense and Sensibility on PBS Masterpiece (affectionately called MasterSpice). I might be the only 22 year old in the world that enjoys a) Jane Austen on a pretty regular basis and b) PBS Masterpiece... and I mean... I don't have dentures or anything. All my teeth are real. I don't knit afgans (sometimes a shawl). Or have a cat named Princess Pretty Poppet. Ok I took it too far - movin' on.

Anywho... I was just mullin' some stuff last night. Wouldn't it be CRAZY easier if people just fell in love? and got married? simple as pie? ya see the guy. "heyo you're cordial" "mmm yes yes hip hip indeed i am." "let us away, my love, forever in the distance on a cream colored horse named Abernathy" "yes yes... let's away" *kiss!* done! iiii mean Jane Austen clearly had a good formula. Of course there is mischief in the middle there maybe a little infidelity and seducing but it's real life so i guess that's... normal? It just seems so easy... when it's not real i guess. ah well.

The people I know make things way too complicated than they need to be. If there was a class called Love I'd pass it. If you could fit it on a standardized bubble test I'd be the star student. 99th percentile.
Do you love me? a. yes. b. no c. HECK no.
Let's get married? a. I do! b. I do not. c. Restraining order!
Ya like kids? a. yes. b. no. c. kids are baby goats right?]

Anyway. There was no point to this blog in reality. I'm not thinking about love anyway I just think it'd be easier if we lived in 19th century England near the ocean on a rocky precipice. With Jane Austen.

there's lollipop trees and a lemonade sea!!

ADVENTUUURE!

Since I could not update from sunny San Diego (or as my mom enjoys pronouncing it Saanthiego like she's Latina or something...) I figured I would tell of my adventures in the here and now.

Wednesday was pretty laid back. Our flight left at 12 which gave us plenty of time to mosey around. Of course I'm lying because my mother never moseys on the day of a flight. We left at 9 SHARP arrived at 10 SHARP and speedily walked on moving walkways. (which are so fun! you feel like you're on a runway cuz you're walking AND moving along with the walkway it's so great. Just try it.) So we got there and everything smelled so good! Why do airports make you EXTRA hungry? It's like they take out your stomach along with the rest of your belongings when going through security. 

Before security? Desolate wasteland. 

After security? Land of milk and honey. And McDonald's.

So we did not get McDonald's as it would have been my downfall. Boarded the flight finally. In all my meditation and studying of the itinerary I failed to see that the flight there was 4 hours and 30 minutes. AND we were behind schedule! A 5 hour flight!? Do you hate me Southwest Airlines? (the answer is: Southwest hates EVERYONE. You can tell by the tiny seat room.) So off we went... 5 hours later you could see glorious mountains and *eek!* the ocean! I had never seen the Pacific before! It was so beautiful. The sun glinting off the ocean making me partially blind and probably worsening my eye sight. I couldn't look away though. Even the airport was west coast. Lots and lots of windows. Japanese murals on the wall. The guy from Yan Can Cook has his own upscale aeropuerto ristorante. And the PALM TREES! Too many to count. They kind of wave to you as you get off the plane. 

We finally arrived at our hotel and collapsed on the bed. Then promptly got back up to go downstairs to eat. Then recollapsed on the bed. We fell asleep at about... 7 which is 9 in Chicago. The combination of time change, jet lag and 5 hours in one space will get ya! 

Thursday was better. I loitered around the hotel, stared out the window for a good hour just watching the immaculately clean cars go by. I understand Tony! Toni! Tone!'s song "It Never Rains In Southern California" so clearly now. Fo' serious. It. Does not. Rain! 

I ended up reading by the pool for a bit and reading in the lobby under the pretty lights on the oh-so-comfortable chaise lounger. There was a lady with dreds there that kept mumbling to herself and had a bra that would NOT stay up. Not a good experience for everyone else around, let me tell you. Mom came back and we went to the Gaslamp District. It was pretty cool. It's like... the heart of downtown San Diego. Lots of shops lots of places to eat. But unlike Chicago everything is in a 6 block radius. EVERYTHING. All the restaurants are crammed together and you can't figure out which entrance is which. You want seafood but you end up going inside the mexican restaurant and then you're confused. 

We walked way down to the harbour and decided to stop at PinkBerry. SO glad we did cuz it was amazing. I finally got to eat at PinkBerry!!! I have a napkin and used cup for proof haha. After the longest hour of my life going into stores we ate at La Fiesta which was SO good. I had Paella for the first time - chicken, shrimp, sausage, fish, mussels and clams all mixed together with saffron rice. It's like... Heaven... if Jesus was born in Mexico not in Bethlehem - and we saw about 80 doctors that all knew my mom and said the same thing, "YOUR MOM IS AMAZING WE LOVE HER!" haha... it was kind of cool.  My mom's a doctor celebrity. For dessert i had the best mexican coffee (sans the alcohol) I've ever had. 

Friday was long. We went to Coranado Island which is not really an island more like... a jut out of the bay. Still it was pretty. I took pictures (UGH I FORGOT MY CAMERA! Next Monday) of the boats and the sky and the pretty Asian chick in front of me just cuz I enjoy people watching. My mom is a descriptive observer. When she sees something beautiful she'll go, "This is unreal! It's like a book! Like I could sit down where I'm currently standing and write a novel set RIGHT HERE!" and I am a silent observer. Unless I'm really excited I will just keep comments to myself cuz they seem hokey *see above description* It's the same thing for art. UUUUGH I don't like when my mom describes art. "Oh the movement here it's just so pretty! I want to cry! The brushstrokes there!" blaaah. Art is so objective I've learned to keep my mouth shut and when I do speak... it's pretty short. I love my mom though. It's part of who she is. We took the ferry there and back and went to dinner afterwards. Then we walked to the hotel which was SO LONG!!!! Seriously we walked for like 3 hours that day it SUCKED. But I actually lost weight on the trip so... hey. It's a victory. 

That was my San Diegan adventure. I saw and waved to Point Loma Nazarene from the plane. I'll be back to visit. Oh. I'll be back. (WOW no pun intended)

hollywood swingin!

Good mornin' all... it's 7:40... about 4 hours too early to be awake right now... but alas here i am at Eden Salon and Spa workin at this early hour... did Jesus ever sleep in late when he was on the earth? I just... i mean quick thought thats all...

I've been "Edenized" meaning they attacked my eyebrows finally and gave me a scalp treatment. I think this quote from Ever After sums it up quite nice:
"You look like a girl!"
"That's what I am half-wit!"
"Yeah but today you LOOK it!"
"Girl OR boy I can still whip you!" - that was all from memory *taps head* from me ooold noggin!

I just figured out that coffee does not agree with me at this unearthly early hour... i learned that i CAN use the make-up whilst no one is around... and that i can also post on the internet too haha

I'm dealing with SallieMae at the present (not RIGHT now just at the present)... i finally figured out how to talk to a dang PERSON on the phone.. before they reroute you to India and THEY take your call. But i have deferrment all settled I just have to fax them a letter. I took a survey after i was finished on the phone yesterday and they said *in monotonous automated phone voice* "Based on your survey we have a lot of room to improve!" yes. here's a tip. Stop being in the loan business. People will LOVE you.

I'm going to gush about Psych for a quick second (a nail tech just arrived). I freaking LOVE that show!!! For anyone who enjoys mildly attractive really funny guys that makes them even more attractive WATCH PSYCH. that's all i got haha

Alright for realios i gotta go. we have a spa party comin in today... and... we are an elite spa :0)

whatwhaat whaaat??

Hey. Happy new year! Sorry for not posting in like 80 ages. (mhmm ages.)

Mango Dum-Dums are my new favorite dum-dum flavor. Everyone EVERYONE should try them.

So i think it's time for a spiritual update. I haven't given one in a good while.

So recently or... i don't know for a WHILE my pastor has been talking about getting serious in your relationship with God. And if we're shooting for honesty here mine has been more than lacking in like... every area you can think of... Times are getting rough and there is no more time to be in between ya know? just be one thing or the other love God or don't. I was tired of being on the fence about life in general so I just decided to jump in head first.

The first week was alright. I read my Bible, I prayed and did devotions and I felt better but I still felt like i hadn't made a connection. So at church this past sunday he prayed again about getting your life right with God. He said a lot of people don't like Christians because they're such hypocrites, which is true. We claim to love God but we're not obedient. Our actions definitely trump our words. You can say you love God all you want but until you stop being an idiot and just listen (prime example? me) this relationship you claim to have is fake. Really really a bunch of fake.

On saturday my mom and i went to the contemporary night service we have which was all about surrender. people spoke about what they were involved in some of it was crazy serious and some of it just seemed normal. so i'm sitting there and all of a sudden music comes into my head. Like... i'm supposed to surrender music TO God. I kind of freaked out a lot. But then i realized why it was put there. I turn to music in times of trouble. I can honestly say that I don't turn to God. I like... put that off... and turn on the Weepies. I do that in a heartbeat. I know music is my escape. It IS... it's like... what I connect with and not God. I keep praying for this real relationship with God for this true desire to know him and grow and actually listen to his voice and I have this pretty tangible relationship with music standing in my way.

So... I prayed the last few nights hoping that it wasn't God that told me to give up music haha... i would gladly give up all starchy food in order to know God better... i am definitely ok with giving up processed food... drinking only water... not watching MTV anymore... to get closer to God just NOT music. I also don't know if I'm supposed to just... get rid of it ALL or just the secular stuff or just cut out the radio... i don't know. but it hasn't gone away in a few days which is kind of confirming it.

if i weren't me... and i knew me... and i was talking about this... i'd think i was crazy. but in the grand scheme of things... am i really gonna choose listening to Ingrid Michaelson over having a real relationship with God and not being a hypocrite anymore? the answer is crystal clear isn't it...

Psalm 4:8 *snores*

the title of this blog is what happens every night when I put on my confession cd and go to bed. I try to repeat them in bed and the first one is Psalm 4:8 - "I will lie down in peace and sleep for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe" and I get to Psalm 4:8 - "I will lie down......." and i'm done. haha I use them to help me sleep faster and BOY does it work. 

Things have been pretty ok lately. I committed to reading the Bible because it saves your life. It IS your life so... why would you NOT read it. And so far good things have occurred. I started interning at church designing. I'm not getting paid but that's ok. I'm designing and WOW it feels good. I rekindled my relationship with the patch, stamp and healing brush... yes. I am in a love square with 3 tools on Photoshop. a SQUARE.

I also may have a job! My aunt works at a salon and spa and they need a front desk worker soooo ya know after training i'm really hoping i don't suck at that! plus it's MONEY and having not spent a CENT since... November... it'll feel good to... buy gas and... buy a 40 cent burrito just cuz i'm crazy about cheap mexican food... haha

Moldy pennies really smell. My car flooded like 2 weeks ago and the carpets are STILL drying out and it started to... smelllll a little bit and i realized a) carpets are still wet because MATS are still wet and b) pennies that got splashed with water have now MOLDED over... and smell. LIFE. haha

Well thats me for now. And no i'm not posting at church/work/not really work. 

i am SUCKING at this comp!! bah!

heartache come again no more

Question for all you who read this...

Did 2008 just SUCK for all of you, or was it just me?

This year sucked it UP! From January to December there was a fair amount of pain, sweat, tears and blood. 

January = depression

February = Stupidity

March = 65 hours in one room CONTINUOUSLY

April = everything fell APART and some... fell together... JANKILY.

May = ok may was fine. graduation, job, birthday. LOVE.

June = finally determined everything was REALLY over. things fell further apart

July = boredom, favortism against me, distance

August = NOOOO JOOOOB. *giant stamp sound*  MORE stupidity (not from me), incessant tiredness, learned to hate the town of Elgin

September = hopeful, searching, more stupidity not from me

October = less hopeful, searching

November = not hopeful, searching

December = panicked, out of everything, searching, crying, praying, laying in bed.

No one was more happy to see 2008 go than me... I wished it well, kicked it out, shook my fist at it in anger and slammed the door in its face. 

Apparently others have the same feelings.

So I say how bout 2009 be AWESOME. Last year was SO bad... horrible transitioning... stupid STUPID people. How about this be a year of... settling down a little bit, forgiveness, remembering that the presence of fear is a lack of trust in God then working on turning that around. How about committing to God, committing to change, committing not letting this year be bad.

I'm ready. *does an I'm Ready dance*