I feel like I've been waiting for my life to begin for a long time.
Being overweight you tend to think life, actual real and fun life, really starts moving after you lose weight. I have compartmentalized my brain into a before and after situation except the "after" has never happened. It's like being in a constant state of almost... or like I've made myself a time capsule. Jeans in the closet 8 sizes too small... your "after" pants. Shoes in the closet that pinch and will never fit... your "after" shoes because supposedly you lose weight in your feet as well. Even friends that I will admit maybe I have a crush on, I expect them to see me (like how cool I actually am or something?!) after I "lose the weight." But currently I have a hard time keeping eye contact for fear people will ACTUALLY see me.
I realize I'm constantly moving myself forward and holding myself back at the same time creatively. The phrase "you're your biggest critic" is compounded because I'm an artist. Or I was one. Creative types are crazy hard on themselves and I've let fear of failure completely overtake the fact that I love art. Going to the MoMA in New York this past October broke me down a bit. I miss the creative side of myself - it's been replaced with cynicism and a critical nature. I see other artists explore keep their sense of wonder, that distinctive inquisitiveness artists have, and I just get LIVID. Where'd mine go?? Did I LET it go?!
This past year was probably one of the best years I've ever had, oddly enough. The world had a CRAP FILLED year but in the middle of that I traveled for the first time alone. I took a risk at work that paid off. I tried something new and went to friggin CrossFit. I like myself more than I ever have and it's led me here. At home without pants on realizing things late at night. Heh.
I am enough. Here in this space where I find myself still single and now SUPER hating it. Where I feel like my journey has barely started. I'm ENOUGH.
I'm tired of thinking I'll get married when I've lost weight. Whoever finds me and loves me needs to know me here and now as I am. You know, that's a simple thought... that I've literally NEVER had until now. I'm giving you an awkward smile. I don't do a lot, there's some stuff I honestly can't do like tie my shoes. Or bend over. And that's embarrassing to admit because that's some fundamental stuff! But me right now can't do that because I'm overweight and I hope it won't always be like that. But for now... let my future someone bend over and tie my damn shoes for me. Now this creative rut I've been in is part of a deeper issue, old hurts and shame I've put in a backpack and carried with me. I've got to let it go. There's a couple things I've got to let go. Let go of my stupid "what ifs," my "after" pants and shoes, and just... accept myself where I am right now and let me be enough for the first time in my life. And see what happens. I'm giving you a thumbs up along with the awkward smile.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Monday, August 29, 2016
This is 30
Welcome to 30! You have arrived here by not dying and generally listening to your mother's advice. Here in this detailed guide you'll find how to make your 30's the BEST years of your life! Brunch! Mimosas! More brunch! Disregard for clothing rules! You'll take your shoes off wherever you dang well please, thank you very much!
Here, I present, A LIST, mostly provisioned from my Twitter account. I also said I wouldn't put these in a blog. HAHA OH 30. SUCH A JOKESTER.
Here, I present, A LIST, mostly provisioned from my Twitter account. I also said I wouldn't put these in a blog. HAHA OH 30. SUCH A JOKESTER.
- My appetite has changed, which I've literally been waiting for it to do since I was 10. Like I can't eat as much food or I'll just keel over all slumped and sad
- My body now genuinely REJECTS certain foods. Potatoes, for example, I can no longer have a ton of potatoes or starchy foods in general
- *PAUSE AND BE SAD FOR STARCHY FOODS*
- Greasy food too...
- *PAUSE FOR FRIED CHICKEN SADNESS AND DESPAIR*
- Bread is still okay
- AND TACOS. Still bae. Always bae.
- Doctors are more a part of my life. After I came back from vacation I got super sick and saw the doc a LOT
- I finally recognize my need for exercise. It clears my head and makes me feel both sore and positive about life - WHAT?!
- Hangovers! They're so real!
- Every few weeks now I cry about being alone... dying alone... getting ice cream alone
- Then I look out across the land of hoes and dudes made of trash and I TIGHTEN THE EFF. UP
- My introversion is solidified in stone. I can only do so much before the need to recharge completely overrides all functionality and I completely break down
- Stress greatly impacts my need to recharge as well
- I still hate pants
- I have ice cream for dinner a lot
This new phase of my life is interesting and a bit of a rollercoaster. But there are more smooth sails than ups and downs. I hope you'll stay around for this journey with me. 30 needs people.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
The Single Lady's Guide to Herself
Hey girl. You're single. Some days it's the best thing and some days it's the worst. Some days it feels like you don't even understand anything at all, but that's most adults - we can be real with each other.
I don't really write in this space for 2 reasons. 1) Being single gets REALLY monotonous. 2) I have a Blogspot. It's like... who are you, even?? So I come back when someone mentions "Hey remember that thing you used to do and a whole 21 people liked it? You should do that again." And I casually shrug my shoulders, flex my fingers and tell my brain to be creative for like FOUR seconds and it responds in kind. Thanks brain. Have this freezie-pop. Eat it slowly.
I've spent my entire life trying to figure myself out, and isn't that most of us? You know yourself fully until you do something that completely contradicts everything and you're back at square one. Being single is fun! Except when it ISN'T and you ride the wave either way. I'm sure further down the line I'll be writing "being married/a mother/a grandmother is fun! except when it ISN'T" but we accept our stages of life in their turn. Or something. I'm sure I read that bull on a blog somewhere.
On Loneliness: it will happen and it will hit swiftly without a sound. You'll be enjoying life's little things and BAM you're crying in public because you want to share this portion of your life with someone. For example, a week before my 29th birthday I spent 2 whole days SOBBING because I was suddenly hit with the realization I have not found someone, no one has shown interest and I may NEVER find someone. I broke. Big time. And I'm fine now but at the moment I felt lower than low. You may be tempted to treat loneliness with all of the wine (pass for me) or all of the food (ding, ding, ding!!). TRY to recognize this for what it is and even cry, or write, or do yoga but for the love of God in Heaven DON'T DRINK OR EAT. IT'S NOT WORTH IT GIRL.
On Friends: being single and getting a little older means your friends are married and having kids. They will stop keeping in touch with you eventually. It also means your single friends are oddly even MORE unreliable and/or just plain crazy. Like there is no in between unfortunately. Try (try, try, try!) to hold on to the good ones, married or not, and keep a few crazy friends on reserve for when you're feeling adventurous (read: lonely). There is a constant cycle of realizing your friends are NOT a replacement for a significant other and loving them so much you can't imagine life without them. Oh! Group texts - the blessing and the curse. Keep a group text with the good ones. You've no clue what wonders a good friend group text does.
On Confidence: at this point in your singledom you understand your style pretty well and what you like and don't like. It's GREAT. You walk into a store and you don't have to buy things you don't like! You can tell your sexist coworkers where to shove it so far up without even batting an eyelash. You're a feminist and you stand for equality and you DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT. Except for a few days out of the month, every month, that really effs you up. Ugh. YOU know.
On Dating: there are 2 things that have happened if you've made it to late 20's/early 30's without a boyfriend. You've joined a few dating sites. Deleted them. Re-added them. Re-deleted them. Or! You've considered coming out as a lesbian even though you're straight just to alleviate pressure and see who won the bet in your family. Oh that's just me? HAHA KIDDING GUYS I'D NEVER DO THAT HAHAHAHAHA I HOPE THIS IS CONVINCING.
On Vacations: no? Is no an answer?? You go on Air B'n'B a lot and browse without making a commitment. You go back and forth between saying "Who CARES if I'm alone on vacation!" and "WHY WOULD I GO ON VACATION ALONE?!"
On Exercise: being single gives you access to a PLETHORA of exercise boot camps and Zumba's and so many things. You won't go to any of them. They're all filled with mom's who don't even have time! So in turn you feel guilty cuz you certainly have MORE time than a mom and then oh look! A bag of Cheetos. RINSE, REPEAT. You will go back and forth between being determined to be healthy and OH LOOK. A BAG. OF CHEETOS. For the rest of your life.
Listen, at this point I seriously don't know what the heck's gonna happen. If my 20's have taught me anything it's that ANYTHING AND NOTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN. If you're confused then I've explained your 20's PERFECTLY. I do know this - I like myself SO MUCH! I really have enjoyed getting to know who I am and being confident in that. If nothing else comes out of this but learning to really accept myself then everything's gonna be fine. ALSO, SOMEONE BUY ME THIS SWEATSHIRT THANKS.
I don't really write in this space for 2 reasons. 1) Being single gets REALLY monotonous. 2) I have a Blogspot. It's like... who are you, even?? So I come back when someone mentions "Hey remember that thing you used to do and a whole 21 people liked it? You should do that again." And I casually shrug my shoulders, flex my fingers and tell my brain to be creative for like FOUR seconds and it responds in kind. Thanks brain. Have this freezie-pop. Eat it slowly.
I've spent my entire life trying to figure myself out, and isn't that most of us? You know yourself fully until you do something that completely contradicts everything and you're back at square one. Being single is fun! Except when it ISN'T and you ride the wave either way. I'm sure further down the line I'll be writing "being married/a mother/a grandmother is fun! except when it ISN'T" but we accept our stages of life in their turn. Or something. I'm sure I read that bull on a blog somewhere.
On Loneliness: it will happen and it will hit swiftly without a sound. You'll be enjoying life's little things and BAM you're crying in public because you want to share this portion of your life with someone. For example, a week before my 29th birthday I spent 2 whole days SOBBING because I was suddenly hit with the realization I have not found someone, no one has shown interest and I may NEVER find someone. I broke. Big time. And I'm fine now but at the moment I felt lower than low. You may be tempted to treat loneliness with all of the wine (pass for me) or all of the food (ding, ding, ding!!). TRY to recognize this for what it is and even cry, or write, or do yoga but for the love of God in Heaven DON'T DRINK OR EAT. IT'S NOT WORTH IT GIRL.
On Friends: being single and getting a little older means your friends are married and having kids. They will stop keeping in touch with you eventually. It also means your single friends are oddly even MORE unreliable and/or just plain crazy. Like there is no in between unfortunately. Try (try, try, try!) to hold on to the good ones, married or not, and keep a few crazy friends on reserve for when you're feeling adventurous (read: lonely). There is a constant cycle of realizing your friends are NOT a replacement for a significant other and loving them so much you can't imagine life without them. Oh! Group texts - the blessing and the curse. Keep a group text with the good ones. You've no clue what wonders a good friend group text does.
On Confidence: at this point in your singledom you understand your style pretty well and what you like and don't like. It's GREAT. You walk into a store and you don't have to buy things you don't like! You can tell your sexist coworkers where to shove it so far up without even batting an eyelash. You're a feminist and you stand for equality and you DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT. Except for a few days out of the month, every month, that really effs you up. Ugh. YOU know.
On Dating: there are 2 things that have happened if you've made it to late 20's/early 30's without a boyfriend. You've joined a few dating sites. Deleted them. Re-added them. Re-deleted them. Or! You've considered coming out as a lesbian even though you're straight just to alleviate pressure and see who won the bet in your family. Oh that's just me? HAHA KIDDING GUYS I'D NEVER DO THAT HAHAHAHAHA I HOPE THIS IS CONVINCING.
On Vacations: no? Is no an answer?? You go on Air B'n'B a lot and browse without making a commitment. You go back and forth between saying "Who CARES if I'm alone on vacation!" and "WHY WOULD I GO ON VACATION ALONE?!"
On Exercise: being single gives you access to a PLETHORA of exercise boot camps and Zumba's and so many things. You won't go to any of them. They're all filled with mom's who don't even have time! So in turn you feel guilty cuz you certainly have MORE time than a mom and then oh look! A bag of Cheetos. RINSE, REPEAT. You will go back and forth between being determined to be healthy and OH LOOK. A BAG. OF CHEETOS. For the rest of your life.
Listen, at this point I seriously don't know what the heck's gonna happen. If my 20's have taught me anything it's that ANYTHING AND NOTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN. If you're confused then I've explained your 20's PERFECTLY. I do know this - I like myself SO MUCH! I really have enjoyed getting to know who I am and being confident in that. If nothing else comes out of this but learning to really accept myself then everything's gonna be fine. ALSO, SOMEONE BUY ME THIS SWEATSHIRT THANKS.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Meeting Mrs. Jeni's Ice Creams (or How I Am Good at the Internet)
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| 1. The inside of the new location. Super sleek. 2. Jeni and myself... new besties. Or something. 3. Riesling Poached Pear sorbet in champagne. 4. My signed cookbook, mixing spoon and awesome mug. 4. Root beer float with vanilla bean and salty caramel ice cream (HEAVEN) 5. Goat cheese with red cherries ice cream with lemon buttermilk frozen yogurt. |
I've said it before and I'll say it now: if the Internet was a class I would get straight. A's. I'm really good at social media, which actually saddens my heart. I want to be good at SOCIAL. no media. SOCIAL. I guess it's a double edged sword because you kind of have to be proficient in social media nowadays. For me it's my forte. I tend to be the most genuine via text. But the good thing is I write exactly how I speak so there is no disconnect. I think that's the secret. Don't have an Internet alter ego. Be who you are all the time forevers.
But I digress.
If you've never heard of Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams you don't even make SENSE. Jeni's ice cream is a whole other LEVEL of ice cream. It's made not with eggs but with cream cheese and corn starch and the result is the creamiest, richest, cold confection you've ever tasted. I tried it once and never turned back. I remember it being the hot awesome thing and she would SHIP it to you packaged in dry ice. It was science made trendy. I hopped on board with her cookbook and immediately made like 4 of her ice creams and just... Fell in LOVE. I also found out how much I love science. It's in my genes. I almost made a trek to Ohio to meet her. Seriously I had a place picked out on Air B'n'B.
In comes Instagram. I stan for Instagram. I am somehow able to mingle with gods and men alike through the wonder that is that app. I've made many an Internet friend through there solely by adding a funny/relatable comment on someone's post. CUE JENI. She posted a picture not even about the opening of her newest Chicago store but I asked if I should come to the new opening. I didn't go to the Southport opening and regretted it as I really wanted to meet her. She responded "YES! Please come I'll be there!" And I was like, "I guess I'm going then..." And that was that. Then a couple days later she commented again asking me to shoot her an email. I did, and allowed myself a gentle gush of fandom in the email. She responded with an invitation to the preview party the day before the grand opening. Like there was a list. With my name on it. That not everyone could get into. NOT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING BUT DANG. Woo! *fans self*
I braved the special hell that is downtown Chicago driving and made my way there. I was the first one there and I was late. Wut?? But I was greeted at the door by Jeni. Cue brain loss, lack of speech and smiling so hard my eyes look like they didn't exist. She won a James Beard Award for pete's sake! JAMES BEARD. Did I mention all the ice cream was free?? Like ALL of it? Including the floats?? Oh okay. It was free.
Side note: GET THE LEMON BUTTERMILK FROZEN YOGURT. THERE ARE SHORTBREAD COOKIES IN IT. LIFE CHANGER.
So I had a lot of ice cream, a root beer float and a champagne float (Riesling poached pear ice cream in champagne. Fancy af). She signed my (her?) cookbook, too! I also brought a spoon for her to sign. Any awesome cooking person I have them sign a kitchen spoon and I collect them. Cool right? Be my friend still? Okay. At the end of the night i mustered enough courage to ask for a picture, which really means I stood in the corner and stared at her until she came over to ME and I asked for a picture. I wanted to buy one of her cool mugs (BECAUSE MUGS) and she just... GAVE ME A MUG. And when I resisted she was like, "Who's gonna stop me?!" Ugh. CLASSIC Jeni. It was cool mingling with her Columbus crew and all the new scoopers were so sweet.
Gosh I love Internet adventures. Now if it could only lead me to meet Beyoncé I will have reached true enlightenment.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
ridiculous thoughts, love Abby
[originally written in April of 2013 and I still find it comPLETELY relevant - God bless the drafts folder]
This post. is going to be ridiculous. and I apologize.
I'm the type of girl who wonders if I'm friends with a person or not or if I've crossed over into 'best friend' status. I've been sticking the label of 'best friend' on the most undeserving people or people who don't even KNOW I think of them as my best friend.
All my life I've relished having that one friend you could tell anything to or talk to for hours on end about anything and everything. I would find someone who was cool and awesome and I'd think THEY could be my best friend right?! And I'd quest for their approval only to find out they thought I was great... but the coveted spot of 'best friend' was already taken. It's like people come pre-loaded with a best friend out of the womb. What is that??
To be honest, I'm still a sucker for the label of best friend. I'm a sucker for labels really. There's nothing I love more than defining a relationship. Defining anything really. I try it out in my head just to see how it would sound. Roll it around on my tongue for a time but never utter it to anyone. Swap out potential candidates to see how they would handle the role.
It's stupid, I know, but as a girl who has never had a friend longer than a few years it's just a thing I would like. It's stupid to be offended at someone calling me their 'good' friend and SPOUT the blessed phrase BFF in the next sentence so easily. Is this weird? Am I twelve years old? Well obviously... YES.
Being friends with married people means you're already out of the running. Their best friend is their spouse because you're supposed to marry your best friend! I like married people a lot though... being their friends will always be a thing.
Maybe best friends are over rated. I'm lying they're not - they're amazing. Look at Joy and Tracy. It's totally not over rated.
In the end it's really not about the label, it's about the person. Having a defined boyfriend doesn't make him any less of a jerk-wad. Having a best friend won't stop the person from talking about you behind your back so... maybe I just need to find people who know what they've got.
This post. is going to be ridiculous. and I apologize.
I'm the type of girl who wonders if I'm friends with a person or not or if I've crossed over into 'best friend' status. I've been sticking the label of 'best friend' on the most undeserving people or people who don't even KNOW I think of them as my best friend.
All my life I've relished having that one friend you could tell anything to or talk to for hours on end about anything and everything. I would find someone who was cool and awesome and I'd think THEY could be my best friend right?! And I'd quest for their approval only to find out they thought I was great... but the coveted spot of 'best friend' was already taken. It's like people come pre-loaded with a best friend out of the womb. What is that??
To be honest, I'm still a sucker for the label of best friend. I'm a sucker for labels really. There's nothing I love more than defining a relationship. Defining anything really. I try it out in my head just to see how it would sound. Roll it around on my tongue for a time but never utter it to anyone. Swap out potential candidates to see how they would handle the role.
It's stupid, I know, but as a girl who has never had a friend longer than a few years it's just a thing I would like. It's stupid to be offended at someone calling me their 'good' friend and SPOUT the blessed phrase BFF in the next sentence so easily. Is this weird? Am I twelve years old? Well obviously... YES.
Being friends with married people means you're already out of the running. Their best friend is their spouse because you're supposed to marry your best friend! I like married people a lot though... being their friends will always be a thing.
Maybe best friends are over rated. I'm lying they're not - they're amazing. Look at Joy and Tracy. It's totally not over rated.
In the end it's really not about the label, it's about the person. Having a defined boyfriend doesn't make him any less of a jerk-wad. Having a best friend won't stop the person from talking about you behind your back so... maybe I just need to find people who know what they've got.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The Reader's Nook: "It Was Me All Along"
Have you ever read a book or someone's blog and feel like you know them? Like they're talking directly to you and somehow they're unaware you're best friends? That is totally, completely, in EVERY WAY, Andie Mitchell. How did I find her blog? I'm thinking about it and I really don't remember how I stumbled upon it. I do remember being obsessed with a blog about how a girl lost a significant amount of weight and fell in love with running. I had emailed the woman to ask her how she overcame her own mind and did it anyway. She never emailed me back, but her next post read, "I've been getting a lot of emails about how I lost the weight but I'm not gonna talk about that." I felt so crushed - like I was being personally attacked. Obviously that wasn't true and I was being overly sensitive, as I tend to be. In my desperate attempt to feel connection I somehow click-holed myself to Andie's blog. I'm so glad I did.
Andie is a lady. A living, breathing lady who has struggles just like everyone else. Her past is messy just like a lot of people's and when she wakes up her hair probably doesn't look good. I say this because she also happens to have lost 135 pounds on her own and I feel like that makes her superhuman. I think a lot of people feel like it makes her superhuman so I introduced her as awkwardly as possible for balance. Heh.
It Was Me All Along: Andie Mitchell - In her book she tells the story that brought her to where she is today. A latchkey kid who used food as her babysitter, she voices a lot of the pain I think anyone goes through when they struggle with being overweight. Her past was hard, and so many others are too, but eventually she learns to accept herself at any state, large or small. Her writing is effortlessly descriptive, especially when describing the food she ate, so you really get a sense of how vividly food has impacted her life. And I totally get that. Being overweight my entire life this book basically made me want to lay down under the floor. It brought up painful memories of being ridiculed at school, by family at times, in public, and it just makes you crumble a bit. In bringing her issues to light I feel like I've stepped into the light as well. It's so easy to hide.
Being overweight makes you feel like you're the only one, though everyone knows it's actually an epidemic. Half the country is overweight but WHERE DO THEY LIVE? No one sees these people! They all live in the same community in Montana or something because I seem to be the odd woman out. Reading about the things she's gone through forced me to remember what I've gone through - so many of the stories paralleled. It's kind of like getting cold water thrown in your face. You gasp for air like a fish out of water. It's a shock to unearth a painful past you've repressed with such "skill" for so long.
When I was finished reading the book (in a record day) I wanted to email Andie and just... friggin GUSH about how I think we should be friends, and what is her vitamin regimen, and does she enjoy watching You've Got Mail as much as I do? These are things I think about when I start to see someone with hazy, glittery lights around them. I mean I've wanted to know how many cups of water Beyoncé drinks a day for YEARS. I quickly realized what I was doing. When I start obsessively finding success stories I'm not motivating myself, I'm canonizing the person. I'm bronzing them. I... want them to do the work FOR me.
I've made it quite far in my life not doing that much hard work and thinking strength was making myself small, being comic relief, and focusing on pleasing my mom. That's gotten me here, with a person's weight to lose. I have to lose an amount of weight the size of a slightly overweight person. Saying that aloud makes me feel faint.
In the moment I was all, "I'M GONNA WRITE MY STORY. I'M GONNA WRITE IT SO PEOPLE KNOW MY PAIN AND THEN THEY'LL KNOW. THEY'LL KNOOOOW THE PAAAAIN." You start to glorify the pain and the past struggles. But I want to acknowledge that they happened, look at it firmly in the eye and say, "I see you, but you are not defining," and get to work. Hey, maybe one day I will write my own book on the mind warfare that is weight loss, but that day is far off. And that is okay. Now I focus on finding a different kind of strength, a will I thought did not exist.
Even if you haven't struggled with losing weight, this book just helps you remember that whatever struggles you've gone through, who you are at any point in your life is the person you're supposed to be right in that moment. Messy or not, shit together or not, you're you. And you are amazing.
Andie is a lady. A living, breathing lady who has struggles just like everyone else. Her past is messy just like a lot of people's and when she wakes up her hair probably doesn't look good. I say this because she also happens to have lost 135 pounds on her own and I feel like that makes her superhuman. I think a lot of people feel like it makes her superhuman so I introduced her as awkwardly as possible for balance. Heh.
It Was Me All Along: Andie Mitchell - In her book she tells the story that brought her to where she is today. A latchkey kid who used food as her babysitter, she voices a lot of the pain I think anyone goes through when they struggle with being overweight. Her past was hard, and so many others are too, but eventually she learns to accept herself at any state, large or small. Her writing is effortlessly descriptive, especially when describing the food she ate, so you really get a sense of how vividly food has impacted her life. And I totally get that. Being overweight my entire life this book basically made me want to lay down under the floor. It brought up painful memories of being ridiculed at school, by family at times, in public, and it just makes you crumble a bit. In bringing her issues to light I feel like I've stepped into the light as well. It's so easy to hide.
Being overweight makes you feel like you're the only one, though everyone knows it's actually an epidemic. Half the country is overweight but WHERE DO THEY LIVE? No one sees these people! They all live in the same community in Montana or something because I seem to be the odd woman out. Reading about the things she's gone through forced me to remember what I've gone through - so many of the stories paralleled. It's kind of like getting cold water thrown in your face. You gasp for air like a fish out of water. It's a shock to unearth a painful past you've repressed with such "skill" for so long.
When I was finished reading the book (in a record day) I wanted to email Andie and just... friggin GUSH about how I think we should be friends, and what is her vitamin regimen, and does she enjoy watching You've Got Mail as much as I do? These are things I think about when I start to see someone with hazy, glittery lights around them. I mean I've wanted to know how many cups of water Beyoncé drinks a day for YEARS. I quickly realized what I was doing. When I start obsessively finding success stories I'm not motivating myself, I'm canonizing the person. I'm bronzing them. I... want them to do the work FOR me.
I've made it quite far in my life not doing that much hard work and thinking strength was making myself small, being comic relief, and focusing on pleasing my mom. That's gotten me here, with a person's weight to lose. I have to lose an amount of weight the size of a slightly overweight person. Saying that aloud makes me feel faint.
In the moment I was all, "I'M GONNA WRITE MY STORY. I'M GONNA WRITE IT SO PEOPLE KNOW MY PAIN AND THEN THEY'LL KNOW. THEY'LL KNOOOOW THE PAAAAIN." You start to glorify the pain and the past struggles. But I want to acknowledge that they happened, look at it firmly in the eye and say, "I see you, but you are not defining," and get to work. Hey, maybe one day I will write my own book on the mind warfare that is weight loss, but that day is far off. And that is okay. Now I focus on finding a different kind of strength, a will I thought did not exist.
Even if you haven't struggled with losing weight, this book just helps you remember that whatever struggles you've gone through, who you are at any point in your life is the person you're supposed to be right in that moment. Messy or not, shit together or not, you're you. And you are amazing.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Reader's Nook: Half-Read Reviews
Happy New Year!
This year I resolve to stop resolving. Resolutely. No I do enjoy New Year's resolutions - going on forever without feeling you have the chance to start fresh makes life seem monotonous to me. I will get to those later though because I want to bring you two books that I did not finish! Amazing!
I am halfway through both of them and I have some very distinct thoughts on these two ladies words.
Yes, Please: Amy Poehler - I would just like to start out by saying Amy Poehler is a human just like the rest of us. That being said, she is superior to most humans I've met. The preface of this book made me cry. She writes stories of her life and doesn't apologize for the not-so-perfect parts. Even her divorce, which can dang near kill a person, it happened and now she's in love again and you're like, "WOW. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALSO WHY AM I CRYING." She is an avid encourager of women throughout the book and truly believes that everyone has a voice that shouldn't be silenced. Ideas shouldn't be minimized. I laugh out loud a LOT - kind of like when I read Tina Fey's book. Amy also knows that her fans super endorse her and Tina's best friendship, which makes this book even BETTER. I own it so I'm taking my time through it, stopping to pick up other (young adult fiction) books along the way and coming back again. I'm so glad she wrote a book. I'm mainly glad she EXISTS to make the world better. Was that too much? Noooo.
Not That Kind of Girl: Lena Dunham - I'm so sorry guys this is about to be brutal. Actually if you don't want to read all of this just read Amy Poehler's review again just opposite. That's how much I hated this book. Here's the cool thing about Lena. She grew up with parents that let her stretch her creativity in all directions, in whatever way she liked. I am a fan of her tv show GIRLS even though it can get a privilege-y a lot, it's still relatable to girls in their 20's on some subjects. I truly enjoy how open she is with her life and her body and how she loves to advocate for women. Her book has those undertones there but it's hard to get through all the rambling to see that. There is a LOT of rambling.
The first section is about her sexual encounters and I was told that she reveals a sexual assault and tells how she copes, but I never made it that far. She talks about herself a LOT, an unnatural amount (it is a memoir but um...). It's all about her story and her experience and ultimately how everyone's story needs to be heard because everyone's story is important. I agree with this on some accounts, I also think that maybe she should have had more experiences where she... volunteered or something - or just THOUGHT about someone else before her. I dunno! Every single story comes back to her! And how she hates herself? Or something? I found myself saying "What was the point of this story again?" a lot. After I realized I didn't have to read it because it was Lena, or it was controversial, I decided to stop and I'm glad I did. It must be tiring to think about yourself that much.
What do you think? Am I being too harsh (probably)? I never want to be that person that criticizes a person and doesn't really know them but I mean... the book is written. Can't take it back, lady girl.
Obviously both are memoirs and even though Amy is talking about her life experiences I don't feel like I'm being punched in the face with them. I feel like I took the journey with her and at the end (er... the middle) we hugged and got a beer together. Lena's accosted me in an oddly aggressive way and I guess I wasn't expecting it. Props to both women for putting their stories to print and choosing to be vulnerable. Wifi high five!
Tell me your thoughts on both if you've read the whole thing! I've always wanted to start a book club that's just a cover for eating a lot. Except I would also want to read too. So I just described a normal book club didn't I. Right.
This year I resolve to stop resolving. Resolutely. No I do enjoy New Year's resolutions - going on forever without feeling you have the chance to start fresh makes life seem monotonous to me. I will get to those later though because I want to bring you two books that I did not finish! Amazing!
Yes, Please: Amy Poehler - I would just like to start out by saying Amy Poehler is a human just like the rest of us. That being said, she is superior to most humans I've met. The preface of this book made me cry. She writes stories of her life and doesn't apologize for the not-so-perfect parts. Even her divorce, which can dang near kill a person, it happened and now she's in love again and you're like, "WOW. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALSO WHY AM I CRYING." She is an avid encourager of women throughout the book and truly believes that everyone has a voice that shouldn't be silenced. Ideas shouldn't be minimized. I laugh out loud a LOT - kind of like when I read Tina Fey's book. Amy also knows that her fans super endorse her and Tina's best friendship, which makes this book even BETTER. I own it so I'm taking my time through it, stopping to pick up other (young adult fiction) books along the way and coming back again. I'm so glad she wrote a book. I'm mainly glad she EXISTS to make the world better. Was that too much? Noooo.
Not That Kind of Girl: Lena Dunham - I'm so sorry guys this is about to be brutal. Actually if you don't want to read all of this just read Amy Poehler's review again just opposite. That's how much I hated this book. Here's the cool thing about Lena. She grew up with parents that let her stretch her creativity in all directions, in whatever way she liked. I am a fan of her tv show GIRLS even though it can get a privilege-y a lot, it's still relatable to girls in their 20's on some subjects. I truly enjoy how open she is with her life and her body and how she loves to advocate for women. Her book has those undertones there but it's hard to get through all the rambling to see that. There is a LOT of rambling.
The first section is about her sexual encounters and I was told that she reveals a sexual assault and tells how she copes, but I never made it that far. She talks about herself a LOT, an unnatural amount (it is a memoir but um...). It's all about her story and her experience and ultimately how everyone's story needs to be heard because everyone's story is important. I agree with this on some accounts, I also think that maybe she should have had more experiences where she... volunteered or something - or just THOUGHT about someone else before her. I dunno! Every single story comes back to her! And how she hates herself? Or something? I found myself saying "What was the point of this story again?" a lot. After I realized I didn't have to read it because it was Lena, or it was controversial, I decided to stop and I'm glad I did. It must be tiring to think about yourself that much.
What do you think? Am I being too harsh (probably)? I never want to be that person that criticizes a person and doesn't really know them but I mean... the book is written. Can't take it back, lady girl.
Obviously both are memoirs and even though Amy is talking about her life experiences I don't feel like I'm being punched in the face with them. I feel like I took the journey with her and at the end (er... the middle) we hugged and got a beer together. Lena's accosted me in an oddly aggressive way and I guess I wasn't expecting it. Props to both women for putting their stories to print and choosing to be vulnerable. Wifi high five!
Tell me your thoughts on both if you've read the whole thing! I've always wanted to start a book club that's just a cover for eating a lot. Except I would also want to read too. So I just described a normal book club didn't I. Right.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
{about} true beauty
It doesn't make sense to call ourselves ugly,
because we don't really see ourselves.
We don't watch ourselves sleeping
in bed, curled up and silent
with chests rising and falling
with our own rhythm.
We don't see ourselves reading a book,
eyes fluttering and glowing.
You don't see yourself looking at someone
with love and care inside your heart.
There's no mirror in your way
when you're laughing and smiling
and happiness is leaking out of you.
You would know exactly how bright
and beautiful you are if you saw yourself
in the moments where you are truly
yourself.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
An Open Letter to Anthropologie
I spent last Saturday with the loveliest Katherine and we went to Jeni's ice cream, died a little bit from its amazingness, endured a lot of bumpy train rides and went to Antrho as well. Having Katherine here made it the best day ever but I couldn't shake how out of place I felt in Anthropologie. I came home and furiously typed this crazy rant that I will share with you now. Also, I totally own that bedding in the picture above. I am part of the problem, I know. Argh.
Dear Anthropologie,
After frequenting your stores for some years now I've finally figured out my feelings towards you.
Those feelings being dislike. Gentle dislike.
Here in this detailed letter I will tell you why. This letter serves no purpose but to rant, and who doesn't love a good rant.
Let's start with your clothes. Your clothes make me feel like, at any given time, I'm coming from or going to Coachella as a VIP. They're sophisticated yet inherently bohemian, young and adventurous for the workplace yet an easy transition to dinner and drinks. Who can resist casually throwing out in conversation, "Oh I got this at ANTHRO." I think your clothes are fairly expensive, overly expensive, though many a size 2 girl gets a lot of your clothes on sale and loves it.
Which leads me to my next point. Why do you only carry tiny clothes? And then ALSO have a PETITE section of your website?! I have never actually WORN an article of clothing from your store because you refuse to carry plus sized clothing on principle it seems. I think it's against company policy. It's my fault I'm overweight right? Or at least that's how every sales associate makes me feel when I walk through your doors. I get stalked by the sales girls to make sure I'm not stealing but when I actually need help I get blown off. This has happened every time I walk in and I just realized the unnecessary stress it adds.
I do like your kitchen, home and office decor (mostly cuz they don't have to fit on my body), sometimes they're exclusive and it's cool to find trinkets and things. Though, do I REALLY need measuring spoons that look like vintage spoons? (umm yes I do. ugh.) I've gotten great gifts, stationery, and books from you. Ah... your candles though. All the scents of your candles are way too overpowering, like they're trying to FORCE my nostrils into liking being punched by a heady bouquet of flowers. I don't like any of the scents. I'm sorry (EVERYONE). And your accessories - 45 dollars for a HEADBAND?! Is it made of JESUS!?
Here's the thing. I WANT to love you! I want to be your biggest fan and buy all the things and live happily ever after in my overpriced, everything was bought on credit, but that's okay it looks vintage, home! It seems like something I should WANT to want, as a 20 something who thinks herself kind of cool. But I don't.
You perpetuate an elitist attitude. You have made your brand a status - good job - but you make me feel like I'm lacking something in my life, like I'm an inadequate person, not worthy of affording your goods, and like I don't fit the demographic. That's not cool and as a company you shouldn't think it's cool either.
So... gently? Eff off Anthro. I'm kinda done with you. I AnthroPOLOGIZE.
(Hah, also watch me be in there the next time I'm downtown, because I'm dumb.)
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
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Have you ever felt like if you lose control of a part of your life, you lose control of EVERY ASPECT of your life? Things beyond control are frustrating. You see them, almost like they're a tangible thing, yet you can do nothing to change its status. All you can do is keep living your life, but it's a stunted life. Like walking with a pronounced limp, you can function it's just not at 100%. That's been life for me for the past few months.
This is not to say I'm unhappy or stuck or whatever millennial words or phrases we love to use - QUARTER LIFE CRISIS - it's just how things are at the moment. I haven't read a good book, I haven't been to the gym, all I've been doing is getting from day to day so I can get from day to day. The lovely (and surprising) thing is I've never liked myself so much as I do now. I've never felt so comfortable in my own skin, sexy even sometimes (whaaat). But I know for my health, much has to be done and I haven't done that at all.
It's been an interesting summer we'll just say that.
All of my blog hiatuses start with a 'OMG HAAAY SO I WAS GOOONE FOR A WHIIIILE' but I'm not feeling that at the moment. I don't even know what to call it - the state I'm in, this lack of control, will be an on going thing, and I'm just now getting to a point where I can even write a good sentence. So here I am. Hello.
But! How are you? How was your summer? Is blogging even really a thing anymore? Can you recommend any good books for me to read cuz this reading dry spell is real. Also is anyone going to the Chicago Open House on the 18/19th? It looks stupid cool.
Updating isn't necessarily a priority, but I'll try to sneak back over every once in a while to give you a book to read or a story about aaaabsolutely nothing, as I do.
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